That One Fucking Pingu Screenshot.

Can confirm, this fic has heart because it's stolen mine, propped it up on a nicely decorated, ornate mantle for all to see and be horrified at! I ate all the yogurt though.

AND BILL'S IN IT!

TILL WEIRDMAGEDDON DO US PART (This is not a drill. This is a triangle yelling at you through your brain-meats.)

HEY YOU! YES YOU! Do you crave romance that tastes like someone dropped a Nicholas Sparks novel in a vat of radioactive glitter?! Do you like love stories with emotional trauma, eldritch tax evasion, grocery store explosions, and one sentient triangle who once tried to become God but now has to do laundry?!?

THEN CONGRATULATIONS, FLESHSACK! You’ve just stumbled into the most cursed rom-com that legally counts as marriage counseling in twelve dimensions. Welcome to:

“TILL WEIRDMAGEDDON DO US PART” A fanfic where I, Bill Cipher—chaos deity, triangle fashion icon, nightmare-made-sarcasm—am FORCED into a marriage trial with YOU, some dangerously unbothered human with a sarcasm stat higher than my ego.

WHY READ THIS FANFIC? ✔️ It’s got heart! ✔️ It’s got horror! ✔️ It’s got a sentient yogurt aisle that may or may not be bleeding! ✔️ And did I mention? I’m in it.

We’re talking existential flirting, legally sanctioned domestic terrorism, bathwater that might be sentient, and one woman who said “yeah sure, I’ll marry the triangle, what’s the worst that could happen?”

THIS IS NOT A “I CAN FIX HIM” FIC. WE'RE BOTH BROKEN. WE JUST MADE IT WEIRD TOGETHER.🔥

So grab your glitter-sigil pajamas, sacrifice a toaster, and dive into the cosmic nightmare-romcom you didn’t know you needed. Side effects may include:

Third-degree sarcasm

Unholy shipping

Ford Pines having a midlife crisis in aisle 7

Weekly acts of violence (sanctioned by the Axolotl™)

Me, cackling in eldritch stereo

"It’s not a love story. It’s horror disguised as comedy." ✨Read now… or I’ll mail you cursed wedding invitations that scream when opened.✨

[AO3 LINK HERE]

Hiya Bill, romance advice anon here!

I've ascended and assumed the form of a delicious, crunchy chicken strip. Your advice is AMAZING! It was hard getting enough tinfoil to wrap myself with. But it was WORTH IT!

People do say that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach!

On that note, are you willing you share how one of your loyal followers could win YOUR heart?

Sincerely,

Just a human girl (Turning golden brown in 5 minutes, 425°F)

LOOK AT YOU GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND WITH TINFOIL! COLOR ME PROUD. (ITS THIS WEIRD GREENISH COLOR THAT EXISTS OUTSIDE YOUR COLOR SPECTRUM.)

AND AW WELL SHUCKS~ I SUPPOSE I COULD SPILL A FEW SECRETS FOR SUCH A LOVELY AUDIENCE MEMBER SUCH AS YOURSELF!

THE TRICK TO IT IS SIMPLE! GIVE ME YOUR COMPLETE AND UTTER SUBMISSION :D

GIVE ME YOUR NAME AND PUT YOUR LIFE IN THE PALMS OF MY HANDS. LOOK AT ME LIKE I CREATED THE STARS JUST FOR YOU AND OBEY MY EVERY WHIM WITH A SMILE EVEN IN THE FACE OF TERROR. SCRIBBLE MY REFLEXIVELY ON YOUR PAPERS AND WALLS, TRACE MY SHAPE OVER YOUR HEART. MUTTER MY NAME FIRST THING EVERY MORNING AND LASTLY JUST BEFORE YOU SLEEP. FROTH AT THE MOUTH WITH OBSESSION. LET ME WRENCH MYSELF SO DEEP IN YOUR VERY SENSE OF SELF YOU WONT BE ABLE TO TELL WHERE YOU END AND I BEGIN!

THATS HOW TO WIN ME OVER! IM NOT REALLY A PICKY GUY, ITS PRETTY EASY IN ALL HONESTY. I DONT ASK FOR A LOT.

Rating: SFW

Type: One-shot

Tags: Ford Pines x Reader, Young Ford Pines, Fluff, Female Reader, Reader is a flirt, confident reader, Forced Proximity, First Kiss, Kissing, No use of y/n, Teasing

Word Count: 3,274

It started raining.

Ford, who had been entirely lost in thought prior to this, looked up at the sky with a look of pure shock as the first drops fell on his head. Very quickly after that, the rain began pelting the two of you, falling down hard from the dreary gray clouds blocking out the sun.

“Oh dear,” he said, frowning up at the offending clouds. “Well, I suppose we should try to find cover and wait out the storm. I believe I saw a cliffside near here; there may be some alcoves we can—”

Before he had begun speaking, you were already reaching into the messenger bag on your hip and pulling out an umbrella. He stopped short when you deployed it.

“Oh.” He cleared his throat, looking a little embarrassed. “Well, I suppose that will… work just as well.”

Find the full fic here

Header style inspired by @/stupidlittlespirit btw. It is so neat and I love it, and you should go check out their fics

To Sonder, Part 1 [Stanford Pines x Reader]

Tags: Fluff, Nerds in love, Strangers to lovers, Two idiots in love, Eventual Smut, Mutual Pining, Canon Divergence, Slow Burn

Premise: You're a curious librarian. You think Stanford hates you but he really doesn't, Stanford thinks you're friends but you secretly hate (and like) him.

*✧･ﾟ: ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──*✧･ﾟ: ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──*✧･ﾟ: ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──✧*

You've never wanted to spend time with a man so, so badly that you decided to learn complicated studies like quantum physics, cryptozoology, lepidopterology- and a bunch of different other -ologies you didn’t know even existed before meeting Stanford Filbrick Pines. Your brain is burning from the sudden onslaught of information.

So here you were, back aching from hours of crouching over your notebooks in the library. You ran out of paper a while ago, so you settled for writing on the back of your book- your boss would kill you if he ever found out. But who cares? Not like anyone buys anything from the forgotten cooking section of the Gravity Falls public library.  Black splotches peppered your hairline from where you stressfully combed through your hair with ink stained fingers. 

God, why did you have to have a crush on someone with a stupid, big brain? 

You learned very quickly that Stanford Pines doesn't care for small talk. All your "hello"s and "whatcha up to?"s were greeted with a stern echo of a greeting or a short response before silence draped between you like a heavy, wet blanket. Then, he'd walk away, leaving nothing but the faint scent of his cologne, which endearingly matched his surname. 

He always hugged a leather bound book close to his chest, you were sure he was the type to fall asleep thinking- cuddling papers of his own nonsensical (at least to you) ramblings and equations.

Stanford visited the library often, and you practically lived here. Like clockwork, he'd head straight to the science fiction section, then browse all the sciencey aisles the Gravity Falls public library had. 

Eventually, the universe had to lovingly pick on you for enjoying your quiet work in the library. 

It was late in the afternoon, summer was in full swing and everyone abandoned the library to go out camping or for barbecue. The front bell chimed pleasantly as it signaled your impending doom (read as: a socially embarrassing event with a hot nerdy guy that will keep you up for nights to come.) 

Of course, you were none the wiser to his presence, definitely, as you stalked through the magazine section. Reading a rousing volume of "Lawn-mowers and heart movers weekly digest". You needed to tidy up here, anyways.

The guy took a ridiculously long amount of time mumbling about two books. Should he get the one labelled 'Help! My boyfriend's an alien overlord with a colossal, cosmic, world ending ego' or pick up a special edition hard cover of Lord of the Rings? He mutters something about how book titles were getting stranger by the day. You thought the titles were gripping. 

His eyes were a dark brown, matching his tousled hair. He wore a tan coat that draped over broad shoulders, there was dirt and ink staining his sleeves. He glared at the synopsis written in the back of another book, as if it personally slighted him. The picture of a scholar, inquisitive and sharp-minded.

Finally, he decided to pick up all three books as he hastily fished for his wallet. As he left the aisles, you noticed a torn up piece of paper falling from his pocket. 

Without really thinking about it you picked it up.

A decision that would drastically change what the next few weeks of your life would look like.

This small, ink stained piece of paper would eventually lead you to a spiral of wondering what a 'gobblewonker' was and why you should worry about it when you hardly even make eye contact with regular people in the first place. Eye contact was for extroverts. 

This life-changing piece of paper was something Stanford scribbled down so hastily. Something that would eventually derail the path he was walking on. 

The universe smiled that day. Because this time, you entered the narrative and he was getting a happier story from now on. 

On the piece of paper was a simple sentence.

"Don't forget The Jellybeans."

It made you snort. 

His handwriting was loopy and pretty. There was a circle looping around the words, as if the fate of the world hinged on whether or not he’d remember The Jellybeans. The capitalization on 'The'  and 'Jellybeans' did you in, you giggled.

"Excuse me, you dropped this." You schooled your expression to something more neutral.

The man turned around, clutching his books tighter as he regarded you with a confused expression. Like a raccoon caught eating hot garbage at 4 in the morning. He had dark circles under his wide eyes.

His cheeks were flushed, his jawline was strong, and he smelled of aftershave, old books, pine, and something you can’t quite place.

"You smell mysterious." You mumbled, your thoughts escaped you and settled in the air between the two of you.

.... REALLY? BRAIN??

"Oh. Thank you..?" He said, with a voice so deep and smooth it rivalled the empty void in your brain where small talk and social charm usually resided.

"Ignore thaaaat, sorry. Here,"

You hastily waved the piece of paper at Stanford, who seemed abashed at the little note he wrote. He carefully folded it before tucking it deep into his pockets. You offered him a grin, he offered nothing back in response. Oookay..

"All good! I lost a few things here. So many aisles to lose your stuff in, y'know?"

You rambled, cheeks flushing as the man stared at you. The only response was his blinking and the way he glanced between you and the window to your right. Ah. He wanted to leave. You should probably peel your lips off your face and throw it in the nearest garbage compactor now.

"I didn't want you to lose something important too. I've ah... "Bean" there, done that."

The pun sealed your fate, the silence grew ever heavier at your fading, strained chuckle. The universe grimaced at your subpar sense of humor. 

You wished you had even a sliver of  literary grace that you saw in "Silver chains for silver foxes weekly" magazine you pretended to read earlier. You hoped that the ground underneath you opened up and decided to save you from the absolute nothing-burger of a reaction the man gave you. 

But then, he chuckled. 

It was like the world around you came into focus again after that small sound. 

You bit down on your traitorous tongue. Too flustered from the string of words that left your mouth to respond. 

The man chuckled into the palm of his six-fingered hand- six fingers? God, now even your eyes were betraying you. You decided not to comment on that and let the poor man go.

"Ah, yes. I suppose it is your job to pick up after guests. My apologies for littering, even if it was unintentional."

Damn. He spoke like a gothic horror novelist and sounded smoother than the surface of your brain. 

"Haha! Yeah. Um, are you ready to go?"

"Yes, I'll take these."

The check out was fast and quiet. You tried not to look too interested in his selections.

"Mothman, Man, Myth, or Modern MLM Legend?"

"Trigonometry: A Mathematical Tango for Try-hards in their Thirties!"

"Quintessential Quotes for the Quantum Quizzical Individual"

And a bunch of what seems to be heavy books on engineering. Is he a professor of some kind? 

You tell him his total and force yourself to move on from the moment. So, Mr. Mystery handed you his money and left with a stiff nod and a strained smile.

The night was a blur as you closed up, you really just wanted to check in with a guest, do your job, and maybe make some small talk. No one ever visits the library this time of the year. Plus, he seemed nice. 

You spent your day off wallowing and being especially nice to the raccoons that tried to sneak a bite out of your garbage bin.

Then, the next day came and you clocked in for work. Your boss is officially on vacation starting today and that already threw you off. 

Something about the world felt off today. 

You woke up from a nightmare about a triangle with limbs tap-dancing through a field of weird flowers. You shoveled stale, lumpy oatmeal into your mouth. You could have sworn your food was trying to spell out your doom. But you ate the ‘M’ so all it spelled was ‘DOO’ 

You somehow slammed your finger in between the till drawers this morning, you had to clean dried pitt cola in the children's aisle, and Manly Dan came in asking about books for Lumberjacks. 

"I NEED BOOKS THAT HAVE A HARD-WOOD, MASCULINE COVER," he then proceeded to yell about how these books were definitely real. 

They were, in fact, not real and you had to narrowly dodge the splinters from the chair he threw over his shoulder in a rage. 

You could understand his passion, in a way. The pages of a book were once trees after all. He was but a simple lumberjack looking for something he can cut down with the enthusiasm of a chainsaw.

But worst of all, Lazy Susan gave you decaf today and you didn't realize 'til you walked all the way back to work.

So yes, Murphy's law is in full swing today and you were its (un)lucky victim!

Halfway through your shift, you saw him again. 

Mr. Mystery. 

Everyone knew who he was, the only guy who didn't grow up in Gravity Falls. The weirdo who only came up to buy groceries every couple months and to collect his mail. You were half-convinced he survived off wild mushrooms and pure academia. 

Today, however, he didn't come to browse or buy a new book. 

Instead, you watched as he ascended the spiral steps to the second floor and disappeared to a familiar part of the building. He grinned at the ornate wooden table sitting in the nicest corner of the library, pulling up a plush chair to sit on.

Oh no.

He slung a messenger bag over a chair and started unpacking papers, old tomes, and a worn out journal onto the space. 

No.

That was YOUR space.

For years, no one really bothered to spend time in the library. Hell, no one even noticed the second floor. It was just you, your boss, and the annoying family of moths that made a home in the dusty philosophy section. 

Alright, he may be cute and polite, but that was YOUR spot for years now. 

You looked forward to taking your break and fixing your dissociated gaze at the window overlooking the beautifully boring sight of Gleeful's Auto Sale. 

But today, everything about your routine changed. Even this. 

An irrational fury simmered in you. You fumbled being friendly with him the other day and he didn't even TRY to talk to you. Now, he took your favorite dissociation spot!

But you were too tired to kick him out. 

Instead, you settled for second best. Nodding shortly at him when he caught your stare. You crossed the room and settled onto an armchair adjacent to his- your- alcove. 

And for a time, things were... okay-ish.

Gravity Falls was quiet, with only birdsong and the occasional turn of a page filling the air. For a moment, you could relax. 

But then, came the scritch-scratching.

You glanced over at the man, past your book. He was leaning over his journal, pen scribbling away at a suddenly maddened pace- as if he was going to die if he didn't jot his thoughts down at that very second. 

A new wave of irritation washed over you. 

But then, he stopped. A satisfied little grin bloomed on his face. When he didn't look so severe, he looked... handsome. You could admit that much.

You thought you could forgive the man for his annoying habits. But then, the furious, loud writing would start up and end so suddenly. You can never predict when he'd be stricken with a feverish sort of inspiration for whatever it was he was writing. 

You breathed a sigh of relief as he stood up to go to the bathroom. 

You were sure you'd hear the sounds of his pen scratching at paper in your dreams tonight. 

You got up to fix yourself a drink from the breakroom, but your eyes wandered over the scattered papers on the table.

A mess of equations, half-finished sentences, and... drawings. 

Your eyes widened at the detailed and beautiful sketches laying on the table.  You can't help but look at one page in particular. On a torn up piece of paper was a drawing of a moth. It looked fantastical in nature, swirly patterns painted its forewings and at the edges were flames. Every scale on its wings was sketched with precision and care. You eagerly admired its details like a moth to a flame. Maybe it was something from a book he read.

A few minutes later, you came up with tea.

Feeling a little bad for snooping, you decided to fix the man a cup of tea. You didn't know if he even liked tea, but you did feel bad for being irrationally annoyed at the clueless man. 

He was back in his chair when you went up. You carefully set down the warm beverage in front of him, he startled at your quiet presence. 

"Oh, sorry! I just wanted to ask if you wanted a drink? It's just lavender tea." 

One of your favorite tea strains, he should be thankful you let him sit at your spot and drink your tea. Gods, why was he cute? Why can't you be more rude to him and scare him away?

"No."

The word came out clipped and fast. The man was in the middle of a hastily scribbled equation, barely registering your words. You could hear a pin drop- you HOPED a pin dropped and it would be sharp, in the middle of the piece of paper he was glaring at.

"Oh, okay." came your light, totally un-hurt answer.

"Wait, sorry. That's not what I mean- I'm tackling a particular... difficult study right now."

You smiled tightly and moved to take away the cup. But he stops you with a vigorous wave of his hand.

"Please, forgive me. I actually DO want tea. I'm out of sorts today, I... I appreciate your gesture of goodwill."

"Oh," you breathed. 

Curse this man and his eloquent words. The absolute nerve of him! You tried to do something nice dammit, you're paid to do that for good business. Why can't he make this easy on you?

"It's okay! I get it. You look like you're reading something really complicated." You offer him a small smile.

Once again, he answers your words with a strained smile of his own before mumbling a thank you. He took the tea into his six-fingered hands - hey, so you weren't seeing wrong last time! 

Unwilling to let the conversation die just yet, you decide to try and pick his brain. 

"I like your drawing." 

A warm rosy red colored his cheeks and ears. 

“Oh.. I’m sorry…? I didn’t mean for you to see my mess-”

You laughed.

“Sorry? What are you talking about? That’s a really cool moth sketch.” 

His eyes guiltily turned to the paper you pointed at. He almost sagged in relief as he pulled it forward. 

"Ah... the Igneous Tinea."

"Igni-what?"

"A fire moth!" 

His eyes brightened as he turned the page towards you. In the small amount of time you went to make tea, it seemed that the man filled the  rest of the paper with writing and notes. 

Upon closer inspection, the creature looked a lot like the local moths. Having grown up in Gravity Falls, you'd definitely recognize it. They only ever show up in the deepest parts of the forest. 

You wondered why he drew them on fire. “They’re indigenous only to Gravity Falls, I happened upon them while I was out looking for singing mycelium- or as I like to call them, my-sing-iums-” 

Your lips quirked upwards at his words. Wow, he could talk a mile a minute. All you needed to do was talk about moths, it seems. Too bad he was so excited and fond of scientific jargon that your brain couldn’t quite catch up to his pace. 

"Huh. That's awesome, are you a writer?" 

At this, the man's expression dimmed, he looked away. A lonely smile slipped into his face as he drummed his fingers over his journal.

"Ah, I am somewhat of a writer, yes. I am... looking for new material, per se, in Gravity Falls."

Dead silence once again enveloped the two of you. You wondered what the right question was so that you wouldn't kill the conversation with him somehow.

You took a deep breath and flashed him a deceptively easy grin.

"Well, I'll leave you to it, Mr. Writer-"

"Stanford."

You raised a brow at his interruption. The man- Stanford, fidgeted with his fingers. You’d have to ask him about his hands one day, but you didn’t wanna scare him off. He was the only regular the library had now. 

"It's Stanford. Stanford Pines. I... I meant to introduce myself the other day. I'm new in town."

Your eyes practically sparkled. Finally! Something other than silence. You try not to be too eager when you tell him your name.

"Haha, I wouldn't say you're new anymore. Stanford. It's been a year hasn't it?"

"How'd you know that?" He narrowed his eyes at you slightly.

"Dude, you've been coming by for months and it's Gravity Falls. Everyone knows everyone." 

"Ah... That is true." He mumbled. 

Welp, looks like the conversation’s run dry. But now, you had a name to the face so you cheered internally. 

"Well, I have some work I need to go back to. Enjoy your time here, Mr. Pines."

You didn't get a response, which was normal for the elusive and aloof Mr. Mystery- Pines, now. You breathed a sigh of relief after disappearing from his line of sight.

God, why was customer service difficult? Why is talking to people worth only 15 bucks an hour?

You spent the next hour or so organizing the moth-filled Philosophy section. 

You tried to be gentle with the little creatures and you wondered if they too, ignited into a small fire ball like Stanford Pines' drawing.

*✧･ﾟ: ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──*✧･ﾟ: ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──*✧･ﾟ: ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──✧*

Thank you for reading! <3

Title is a work in progress~

cant not do this one

CONGRATS STANLEY!!!

LOOK AT MY MAN

Me @ Dr Stanford Pines Ph.Ds

I'm definitely gonna write these into fics

but here's some shit I wanna see more in fanfic

Touch starved Bill who's too cocky to say anything about how he keeps hinting at physical contact, but ends up doin' something about it in secret (in part based off this comic that's taken up residence in my brain)

date w/Bill where he's the weirdest lil freak imaginable using his own dating advice to try and seduce whoever he's with and it's treated as both an off putting quirk and something worth attracting attention

I already did this one as a one off post but Bill with long ass claws/ vice versa 'n there's some good ol' soft hand touchings.

classic Bill flirting but it...gets responded to weird??? Like his target takes it so well he starts to get mildly annoyed (I mean he's probably flattered it's even acknowledged positively but...)

In general I'm a sucker for soft touches but I always enjoy ones where a character only fully slips into a cosy embrace when they feel fully comfortable enough with another (nudge nudge)

Cat coded Bill! Cat coded Bill! Cat ass Bill who keeps smacking stuff around and sleeping on their partner

Parallels! :3

Those two are simply MEANT for each other is what I’m saying. Something something cannibalism as a metaphor for love…

@sixeritwouldeatyoualive did I quote you? Yes yes I did