Latest Posts by emptyspaxes - Page 6

it's okay if you get confused easily. it's okay if you forget things easily. it's okay if you lose track during conversation easily. it's okay if you have to ask for clarification often. it's okay if you struggle to parse information or sensory unit. you're not "playing dumb" or "doing it on purpose". it's okay to be disabled, some people just refuse to be accommodating.

Wait wait wait hold up.

Do neurotypicals not automatically look for patterns?? How?? It's so automatic what

Like for example, there's a item of clothing with flowers printed on it. Do neurotypicals not immediately try and find where the pattern repeats?

I spent years trying to figure out what the pattern was in the tiles in my bathroom.

I stared at someone's leopard print blanket for a good 5 minutes to find duplicate spots.

I genuinely cannot imagine a world where your brain doesn't do that.

Ok yeah bye 👍

Confessions of a burnt out disabled human:

I’ve been disabled since one random day when I was two years old. That’s when the fates decided, El would have paralysis and brain issues.

I didn’t know I was different until I was 5 years old and figured out that I looked different compared to everyone else. I had two friends throughout elementary school who didn’t give a shit that I was different. But everyone else cared. From fellow classmates that bullied me, to teachers that compared me to my older brother… and not in a good way.

I got my IEP revoked because my kindergarten grades were good, only to get it reinstated in second grade because the admins started to realize their vital mistake when my math grade started slipping.

In middle school, my math teacher convinced my tutor I was faking my math processing issues. The tutor stopped meeting with me, even after my parents’ protest. I got a C in math at the end of that year, when I was getting high Bs and low As while I was meeting with my tutor. My middle school admins gave me the wrong English standardized test and they decided to rectify it on the math standardized test day. They made up for it with a measly Starbucks Frappuccino.

I was purposefully put in a dance class meant for 8-11 year olds when I was a sophomore. I was the oldest one there. I came home crying every night, but I was too loyal to quit. A year later I auditioned for my city’s little production of the Cinderella ballet. At the time, I had 10 years of experience. They gave me, a 16 year old, a role with 35-50 year olds. I signed up to audition for my church’s youth band when I was a junior in high school. The band managers swore up and down to me that they’d reach out to me to set up an audition. They never did (hindsight, I’m glad they never did. But my point still stands). No one takes me seriously.

I graduated from high school with a 4.29 gpa (dual credit). My high school didn’t acknowledge this as legitimate and wouldn’t consider me an honor grad because my unweighted GPA was 3.29. I needed a 3.3 unweighted. My high school purposefully kept my ACT scores in a vault for two weeks before sending them off, getting me and my family in hot water with ACT because they thought we were cheating. I got a 14 on the math… so… hah, no cheating. I got into college on a technicality because of COVID restrictions. I feel like a fraud. I constantly have to tell myself I deserve to be there. I constantly panic when professors ask me, “Kayla, what do you want to do with your life? When are you graduating?” Finding work as a disabled person is incredibly difficult. Do they really think I know? I’m just hoping I’ll figure out how to get by.

I started trying to date in the summer of 2021. And do you know what I have to show for it? Abandonment trauma and a fuckton of content for depressing disabled gay poetry. I’m losing hope. I shouldn’t have to disclose my disability. I shouldn’t have to worry what people might think. I want that picture perfect happy ending. I deserve it as much as my able bodied counterparts. I don’t want to be a bitter spinster. But, yet, so many people see being disabled as an immediate no. So hell only knows if love is in the cards for me.

It’s hard having disability pride. Its hard to be proud of what makes you stand out in ways you didn’t choose. I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted.

Early Diagnosed Autistic peeps and Loss of Autonomy

I honestly get depressed reading my reports when I got diagnosed with autism when I was 5. Development delay, underachiever in language skills, reasoning skills, fine motor impairment, lack of speech fluency and lack of self esteem (no really I was terribly anxious).

I had interventions to improve my skills I can’t deny that. but at the cost of pathologizing me and making my mom dreadful of my prognosis. My childhood was me being aware of my pathological nature and that is traumatizing enough.

Bc I have this constant need to prove I’m able enough and I’m not too disabled that is costing too much of my mental health. I’m concerned about many today early diagnosed autistic kids. They come from a age where there is a lot of misinformation that their parents follow either to “treat their symptoms” or just to reinforce their ableist bias.

Besides that early diagnosed kids tend to have way less autonomy than their NT peers. We lose our position to speak so that our parents and institutions can speak over us in their own limited lenses. That is traumatizing. That is why you don’t hear a lot of early diagnosed kids’ perspectives. Not because they tend to be the ones with more limitations to speak as people want us to believe and there is AAC for a reason. Not just because it’s more difficult to have a ealy diagnosis. it’s ableism.

A chronic loss of autonomy and infantilization. Always being spoke over because they just keep assume that you can’t. You can’t speak for yourself. Well here is a thing. WE CAN SPEAK FOR OURSELVES.

I can. I always could given the proper accommodations. I knew what I needed to say. But after spending too much time unable to speak for myself took me a toll and now I become angry when I feel like people know better about my needs than me. Therefore, I’m perpetually mad.

For anyone that needs a reminder

Just because you’ve been struggling for so long, longer than people think you should be, that doesn’t mean you are faking it

Just because people don’t understand that there are good days and bad days, that doesn’t mean you are faking it.

Just because even you are doubting yourself and your body, that doesn’t mean you are faking it.

Just because you’ve been in pain for so long you don’t remember what life was like before pain, that doesn’t mean you are faking it

Just because there are days you feel like you don’t even need the cocktail of medicine you take every day and night, that doesn’t mean you are faking it.

Just because people with the same condition have worse symptoms than you, that doesn’t mean you are faking it.

Just because your symptoms are unpredictable, that doesn’t mean you are faking it.

YOU. ARE. NOT. FAKING. IT

YOU. ARE. NOT. AN. IMPOSTER 

My headaches have lasted since November 29th and it’s currently January 26th😞. It feels as if it has never stopped once and I honestly don’t remember what it’s like to not be in pain because of my head. I’ve had blood work and a ct scan done and everything comes back fine. Sometimes I feel like the doctors might think I’m faking my pain, but honestly why would someone do that for so long. I feel like my life is crumbling apart around me and no one in my family or friend group understands the pain I’m going through. Everyone tells me to get better soon but it hasn’t ever felt better and I’m getting annoyed at that sometimes. I know people just care and want to put in some motivation or what not but it just reminds me that I feel like I’ll never be the same again. I’m just praying for a diagnosis and to finally understand how to live my life again... but if anyone ever needs anyone to talk to about chronic pain or anything I’m always here for everyone. It’s hard and sometimes you just want a shoulder to cry on and I’ll be that shoulder if you ever need anyone 🥰💕

I like how the diagnosis thing for chronic migraines is like “15 headache days a month, each lasting more than 4 hours” like.

I don’t even have separate headaches it just. Doesn’t stop. It’s unending. Constant headache.

I’m up and active today? Doesn’t matter I’ve still got a headache. I’m talking and laughing and participating in my life? Still got a headache. It doesn’t stop. Sometimes it’s not as bad but it’s always there.

Lots of people (my mom included) don’t seem to understand that it literally never ends.

I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t in pain.

Genuinely.

I can’t remember.

When I have a migraine...

I will irrationally hate anyone and anything that makes noise. 

I don’t make the rules, I just gotta hate.

Something that a lot of people don’t realize is that once you get even the most shy, introverted history major talking about their favorite area of history they will talk for hours if you let them. 

Most of the history majors that I know have one or two periods/families/people that they are intensely interested in. If you attempt to tell them that it’s boring or doesn’t matter they will fight you and proceed to inform you of how it provides context for such and such historical event, power dynamic, movement, or invention. Even just imagining someone telling me that history is irrelevant makes me want to argue about why it’s useful, relevant, and important and what skills you can learn from studying it.

I think that this is also  true for most people that are interested in a history related field. 

hey i don’t know who needs to hear this but your pain is bad enough. when you are used to pain, it’s easy to think that only a 7/10 or higher is reason to rest or be kind to yourself or even just to count as bad. your pain does not need to be the worst you’ve had to deserve treatment. your pain does not have to be as bad as someone else’s to deserve treatment and compassion. if you are in pain enough to be thinking about it, you are in pain, and that pain deserves compassion.

Me, right after I get a new diagnosis: HA, I knew it! All those crappy doctors who told me I was faking it were WRONG! This is great news!

Me, several hours later when the news actually hits me: *sobs alone in my room*

A lady asked me how much it cost to make her a purse of a well known style in cotton fabric of a particular design and colour. £35 - I said. She said she thought that was a bit dear for a purse. I asked her how much she thought it would cost her to make one then. She thought about £10 as you can get similar in Primarni for £8 OK, so for £10 do it yourself I said Her reply was - I don’t know how to. I said for £10 I’ll teach you how to. So besides saving you £25 you’ll get the knowledge if you ever want to make another. She seemed pleased and agreed. OK I said, you’ll need a machine, cutting mat, rotary cutter, rivet press and the pattern. Oh well….. I don’t have many of things and I can’t justify buying all that just to make one purse. Well then for another £10 more I’ll lend you my stuff to you so you can do it at my house. Okay, she says. Great, I replied, come round on Tuesday afternoon and we’ll make a start Oh, I can’t come on Tuesday I’m having my hair done! Sorry, but I’m only available Tuesday to teach you and lend you my stuff. Other days are busy with other bags and purses. Bugger, that means I’ll have to miss my haircut. Oh, I forgot, I said, to make one yourself you also have to pay for the sundry costs. Now she’s confused – what on earth are they?? Fabric search time, electric, wear and tear on the machine, blades for the cutter etc She looks at me and says – but that’s ridiculous you can absorb all that cost as you are charging me to borrow your stuff. I could, I said, but I’m not spending time looking for the fabric you need you can do that yourself – you need 3 fat quarters of fabric, buckram, woven interfacing, non woven interfacing, a lock, rivets and matching thread. So she then says - I’ve been thinking, I think I’d rather pay you the £35. It’s too complicated to make one for myself, it wouldn’t be as well made and it would cost me a hell of a lot more than £35. When you pay for a hand crafted item, you pay not only for the material used, but also: - knowledge - experience - tools - services - time - enthusiasm Only by knowing all the elements necessary for the production of a certain item can you estimate the actual cost.

i do not own this video, but i feel like it’s something you guys would find useful! all credit goes to tik tok user @/csellyyy!

Ohana means Family

Your family loves you

They take care of you

They teach you new things

They love to spend time with you

You play and joke around together

You would do anything for each other

They’re the ones you look up to

And they respect and learn from you as well

Together you can get through anything

No matter how long you’re apart

They’ll never truly be gone

In the one you were born into, not everyone may be family

But somewhere, you will find your family

They will love you

And they will be there for you

They will stand by your side

And you will find them

Because everyone has a family somewhere

September 26th is National Family Day!

p e r r y hkkgfdshk

What no one tells you about being “pre-med” until you’re doing it

I realized I wanted to be a doctor when I was a junior in high school, many events happened to bring me to this realization; however I told myself that when I got to college, I was going to be a chemistry/biochemistry major and be “pre-med”–so when the time arrived, that’s what I did.

 “How do I maximize my chances of getting into medical school?” I thought. Make all A’s, get involved in lots of extracurricular activities, research and clinical volunteering. So, that’s what I did—for 4 years of undergrad, I was a machine. I figured if I kept working hard, I would eventually reach my goal of becoming a doctor. This is all true, however, no one tells you what isolating yourself and studying for extensive hours at a time can do to you. No one tells you about the hardships you will face along the way, the friends you will lose who “don’t understand why you study so much,” all the family events, functions, parties and birthday parties you miss out on because you’re “at the library.” The difficulties of dating while “pre-med” are real. I dated a couple of wonderful people, who each decided to break things off with me because I would be “leaving for medical school.” Being “pre-med” (and I am sure these same struggles continue on into medical school) can leave you feeling drained, depressed, stressed, lonely and feeling as though you are not really “being yourself” (due to the fact you are working so hard all the time and trying to balance everything).

There have been only a few times during my undergraduate career when the words, “I am done with studying” have been said. Those times are when the semester actually ended. I never believed I was truly ever done with studying, because there was always more I could review or more I could learn. Considering the “weed-out” classes you have to take can have up to a 70% fail rate (depending on your university), you can imagine the pressure of always wanting to ‘do more.’

Every test, is a weed out. I will never forget after taking many science tests, upon receiving our test grades, I would always over hear someone in the room break down and cry, saying that now they have to change their major or now they can’t be a doctor. It’s heartbreaking.

 The struggle, is REAL. It is HARD. And it requires an extensive amount of work. However, it can be done. The best way to get through it all without losing your sanity, is to have an amazing support group; whether that group is your family and/or best friends. Have people who you can go to about anything. I wouldn’t have made it through and gotten into medical school without my family and friends always being there for me and being understanding.

Also, make time to have fun! It sounds impossible, but it is absolutely necessary. Go out and do something fun with your friends at least once a week!

Don’t put more on your plate than you can handle, if you are involved in a lot of extracurricular activities and you realize you’re unhappy lately and feel like you never get any “me” time, drop some activities and MAKE “me” time, that’s important for your happiness and your mental health. Also, make time to exercise, even if it is going on a walk. Exercise is the best way to reduce stress, boost your mood, clear your mind and take care of your mental health.

Find a mentor, someone who has been through it before. Ask them any questions you have about classes or medical school. Relieve your stresses and anxiety and get yourself a mentor.

I wouldn’t change anything I did, except for making more time to workout and relieve some of that stress. If you want to be a doctor, go for it–the reward will be absolutely worth it in the end.

 My goal of this post was not to deter anyone who seeks to be a doctor away from medicine, but rather to fill you in on the struggles that no one tells you about and to provide some helpful solutions for getting through it.

Hopefully it helped provide some insight!

Night of the Living Dead (1990) dir. Tom Savini

Things I Wish I Knew Going into College

Listen up mother fuckers. Here’s the truth about college. No sugar coating, none of that cutesy shit. Here’s what I wish I knew before I stepped foot on campus.

When people say communal bathrooms aren’t that bad what they actually mean is people will leave their dirty underwear in the showers, used tampons, clean their dishes in the bathroom sink, and leave their explosive diarrhea everywhere. If you really don’t think you need shower shoes, think again.

If you know you are not strong in a particular subject, PLEAAASE seek help. Find a tutor or really good friends that are willing to help you because when you get a D in math because you didn’t seek help even though you knew you fucking sucked at math you’ll regret it because that stupid ass shit tanked your GPA.

You will have professors and TAs (teaching assistants) that give absolutely no fucks about actually teaching. If this ends up being the case, use your resources, learn to teach yourself, Quizlet is your friend.

People might seem so nice in the first week, but I promise you, when welcome week is over and there’s no more free food, they won’t ever look your way again. The ones who stick with you after that, cherish them.

The grind is real. Don’t expect to do the minimum and pass my friend. Because you will fail. I promise you. Sometimes you gotta stay up until 3AM because you’ve got two papers due, a speech to write, and math homework that you didn’t realize was actually due at 11:59pm the previous night. So if you’re going to college just to say you went to college, leave immediately.

With that said, you might realize that college isn’t even for you. And that’s okay. Just remember the thousands of dollars you’ve spent and make your decisions accordingly. But know that college is not the only way to be successful or make money.  There are lots of sugar daddies out there.

You might change your major 2392897 times. It’s honestly whatever. You’ll figure it out and it will be fine.

I know you’ve already heard this one but I swear it’s fucking true. You will not want to drag your dead body out of bed to go to a fucking 8am class. I don’t care if you’re a morning person. Just don’t do it. Trust me. Trust anybody who says this. 

Free stuff is the best stuff.

Sometimes you just need to sit down and have a glass of wine. Or see a therapist. Whichever works for you.

You don’t have to drink or do drugs, but you might feel pressured to. Do whatever you want but make sure you are always safe, smart, and with people you can trust and know will take care of you after you’ve had that 12th drink and can’t even stand up straight.

No one really cares what you wear, how you look or what you do because we’re all too busy trying to figure out how to do 20 hours of homework, 6 hours of studying AND fit in 8 hours of sleep. 

Sometimes lectures are so pointless that you could teach yourself in 30 mins rather than sit for 2 hrs in a lecture. I’m not saying skip lectures, but I am saying that the more time you have, the more sleep you can get.

You’re funny af if you actually think you’re gonna get a full 8hrs of sleep. Try again.

College is your chance to reinvent yourself. Be very careful who you choose to become. Just don’t be that person who corrects the professor or types really fucking loud on their macbook during every fucking lecture.

Listen, you can really do whatever you want to do. You wanna be hoe? Do it. You wanna party Thursday through Saturday? Do it. Weed Wednesday? Go for it. But you sure as hell better show your ass to class and watch that GPA.

Nobody likes a snitch. Mind ya business.

Don’t let anybody make you feel like you do not deserve to be there. Because they will try you and you can still get a ticket for fighting. Except this time you’ll be charged for assault. 

Don’t wear your favorite shoes to a party. Don’t wear open toes shoes to a party. The floors of a frat house or a house party are filthy. Don’t bring a purse, always use the buddy system, watch out for creeps cause they be out there.

Nobody cares who you were in high school, no one wants to know your ACT score or whether you were valedictorian. Shut up. Y’all got into the same damn college. No one cares.

If you’re going to bullshit something, do it well.

Do the readings because when your ass gets called on during discussion because your TA wants to know what you think about Mondrian’s take on contemporary art and you don’t know, you gonna look stupid as hell.

You might have a really cool roommate, or you might have a roommate that has sex with her boyfriend on your bed. There’s no in-between.

Bring A LOT of storage for your dorm.

If you see students napping in weird places, crying in the bathroom, or smoking weed on their dorm roof-top, it be like that sometimes.

Find a really good place to study. DO NOT study in your room because you associate your room with sleep so that’s what you’ll want to do instead of study If you study in your room.

Freshman 15 ain’t real.

SAFE SEX. THESE HOES DIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

College sucks sometimes, but put your mental health first. Sometimes you gotta skip class to take care of yourself and that is perfectly okay. You do not have to justify yourself or your decisions to anyone.

Good luck. I hope you survive. But if you don’t, like I said, there are always sugar daddies out there. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk y’all. 

Things I have learned by joining the local Methodist Church’s coffee & knitting circle (where I am the only person under 60 years old):

How to double knit very, very quickly

Mrs. Jonson on the third pew won’t mind her own business, bless her heart. And she buys her pies pre-made for all the church functions.

Ways that women cheated the system in 1950s Texas to get into college and start careers. Including a memorable “He told me I wouldn’t last a week, but then 6 years later, I had to let him go because his production was way down.” *drinks sip of coffee*

We Might Be Conservative But Gosh Darn That Trump Bless His Heart He Doesn’t Know Anything About God Or Texas

And On That Note, God And Texas Are The Only Good Things Left In The World. Erin Write That Down.

How to rescue a dropped stitch and make it look like it never happened

Public schools and inclusive, desegregated education will single-handedly save the world

Sharing recipes is a sacred bonding and community-building tradition that rivals the greatest political negotiations and land deals in history

“It’s better that you prefer girls honey, the Boyfriend Curse doesn’t apply to your girlfriend and a lovin’ god’ll keep on a-lovin. You better make that girl a sweater.’” 

(Boyfriend Curse = knit a sweater for a boy and he’ll leave you when you finish it)

Mrs. Barbara’s husband cheated in ‘76, resulting in a divorce. She thought it was the end of the world because her youth had already passed, but now she’s an engineer and married to a kind, good man who she met when she went back to college in ‘79.

“The only things you can trust in are God, your good sense, and the wisdom of those older women you grew up admiring. The rest is crap.”

Me: *knitting casually* LOUD THUNDER CLAP Me: 😱😬😳 *KNITS FASTER*

@ everyone who went through a period of having no friends, who ate alone, who had a point in their life where they were too embarrassed to tell their parents they had no one to play with after school: I love you. I know it hurts and I know it’s hard but it’s not your fault. Things will grow and change. You will find people who you click with and they will love you too. You deserve positive friendship relationships just like anyone else. And if you’re still going through this phase, you’re strong, and things will change for you too. You are not alone, there are people experiencing the same thing you are, find them, you deserve positivity and companionship. Keep your head up.

It’s never too late to learn the right way to do things: button sewing technique via imgur → more…

I refuse to make things that are “too pretty to be used.” If I make you something, it’s because I want you to use it! The worst thing you could do to me is say “oh this blanket/scarf/hat you made me is too pretty to use, I’m gonna fold it up and look at it and never ever touch it again.” No!!! I made that to be be used and touched and cuddled and snuggled and, yes, worn out!! I want you to use it so much it falls apart!! It’s like I went to give you a hug and you were like “Ooh, thanks! Go sit on that shelf so I can look at your outstretched arms forever!” No!!! Hug the thing I made for you to hug!!!

How Long Your Stories Should Be (And What Publishers Want)

First of all, thank you so much for over 8,000 followers!!

Short Story

-Under 500 Words is described as flash fiction. It’s one scene

-Between 1,000 and 8,000 Words is a short story

-Between 5,000 and 10,000 Words is as long as a short story should ever be

Novella

-A story between 10,000 and 40,000 Words

Novel

-Anything over 40,000 Words is considered a novel, but 50,000 should be the minimum amount of words you should have (If you’re trying to get published)

-Most novels are between 60,000 and 100,000 Words

-Publishers generally don’t like more than 110,000 words, unless you’re already established

Adult fiction

-Between 80,000 and 100,000 Words

Science and Fantasy

-Generally Between 90,000 and 120,000. Not abnormal to reach the 150,000 range. (It takes time to build a whole new world)

Romance Novels

-Between 50,000 and 100,000

Crime, Mysteries and Thrillers

-Between 70,000 and 90,000

Young Adult

-Between 50,000 and 80,000

Children’s Novel

-Between 25,000 to 50,000

Remember to Change Paragraphs When….

•A new character comes along

•A new event happens

•A new idea is introduced

•The setting changes

•A new person is speaking

•Time moves forward or backwards a lot

•The “camera” moves

A reminder that you are only human. Stop bottling everything when it’s too much.

I don’t mean to be promoting this but I want this...

“i just had a realization. the first time i had anorexia– the worst time– i lost 15 pounds monthly, just by eating 800 calories and doing weight lifting daily. 15 pounds a month. i went from 143lbs to 93lbs in just a week over 3 months. i didnt even do all the crazy things i do now, and the weight still melted off. and thinking back, i realized, starvation is not the answer.

it’s consistency.”

—my late night thoughts🌿

I truely adore this...❤ he deserved so much better when he was alive. He is a true legend in my eyes.

I was thinking the other day and this thought came to me. When I finally decide to do tattoos , at least one of them is going to be Vincent van Gogh related, as my ode to him ( one of my favourite painters ) , cuz he only thought that he is the only person in the whole world that will forever love paintings that he made and no one else will do that … well I will carry one until my last day on this Earth so think again Vincent . I truly hope that he is in better place now and that he actually became one of his oh so adored stars that made him happy so lovingly much.