I Like Violent Men…

the BEST ideas always come through when i'm brain rotting and half asleep

tysm for ur thoughts ily <3

dazai and akutagawa make me sick too (though i discovered today that i had food poisoning and did not, in fact, actually throw up from bsd angst)

dazai was only a couple of years older than akutagawa and simply perpetuated that cycle of violence that the world around them followed, one lost and deeply disturbed kid trying to lead another and idk that just makes it all the more sadder because the intention behind dazai's actions weren't even malicious. who is to say dazai did not wholeheartedly believe, like he did for himself, that akutagawa could find meaning in the port mafia?

dazai, who had assimilated in the darkness, who lived around blood and violence each day, how would he have taught akutagawa something other than all he's ever known in his life?

i don't know i just feel like we need more nuance in this discussion when it comes to dazai's abuse of akutagawa, which isn't to defend him at all but to realize that it was a horrible position for either of them to be in; where the blind lead the blind.

I need him in a manner that would make the gods turn away in shame at what they created

this is the type of greed they talk about in the bible

biting the bullet (literally)

dazai's big sad wet cat boba eyes (chuuya is utterly captivated!!)

chuuya who is weak to dazai's big dark sad doe eyes

watching a tutorial on how to ride a bike just to write this fic on god the brainrot is real

i agree that it is not entirely unintentional on his part! i loved ur analysis, it gave me some new thoughts and yes im ok now lmao thank uu

also i agree that a lot of it definitely went into shaping akutagawa as a proper weapon. it was a crude way, but idt dazai at the time would've felt remorse over the fact. hell, he might've seen it as a necessary for the goal he wanted, i think. incredibly fucked but they both make me so sad i'm crine

i don't think it is entirely altruism, either. he did know what he was doing, but i feel like it is important to keep in mind while analyzing both dazai and akutagawa that the port mafia is just. a horrible place for a kid to be in, even though dazai's actions there were largely voluntary. that type of thing deeply colours someone's world view, and even with being as smart as dazai, i don't think it is something that won't warp someone's worldview a lot. i don't think he believed what he was doing was right or okay in any form, but definitely was a lot more callous to him because it was a means to an end.

dazai and akutagawa make me sick too (though i discovered today that i had food poisoning and did not, in fact, actually throw up from bsd angst)

dazai was only a couple of years older than akutagawa and simply perpetuated that cycle of violence that the world around them followed, one lost and deeply disturbed kid trying to lead another and idk that just makes it all the more sadder because the intention behind dazai's actions weren't even malicious. who is to say dazai did not wholeheartedly believe, like he did for himself, that akutagawa could find meaning in the port mafia?

dazai, who had assimilated in the darkness, who lived around blood and violence each day, how would he have taught akutagawa something other than all he's ever known in his life?

i don't know i just feel like we need more nuance in this discussion when it comes to dazai's abuse of akutagawa, which isn't to defend him at all but to realize that it was a horrible position for either of them to be in; where the blind lead the blind.

WHY do i have the spine of a middle aged man. hunchback of notre dame lookin ass. sitting? hurts. standing? hurts. lying down? ALSO HURTS BECAUSE MY MATTRESS IS FUCKING BROKEN. god why i'm just a teenage girl why am i suffering like this

wanna write a deftones based fic so bad but idk what character would go with it ughhhh

yall should i do a 'let the light in' inspired fic for chuuya

i'm too obsessed with this damn album

everything about shin soukoku makes me sick

atsushi seeing akutagawa in a position so deeply relatable to him and seeing that glimmer of humanity behind the exterior of a fighter and actively sacrificing himself for that small hope. he who constantly believes in akutagawa's humanity despite the world that burns around them, he who gives him the chance while taking away his own-

atsushi seeing dazai through akutagawa's lens for the first time and the knowledge that akutagawa does not merely choose to be like this but that it's the only option ever left for it is so ... (sounds of crying)

their similar situations giving them an understanding such as that, in typical circumstances, only they could have for themselves, by witnessing akutagawa's past for himself

how does it feel to know someone like you do yourself? how does it feel to watch that suffering, understand it, see through it and yet still have hope for more? what kind of faith does it take to not only see that hope but throw yourself in the jaws of death for it?

nothing about them is casual and i love it but they have ripped my heart from its chest and im gonna cry need them to be alright and happy and together in a better timeline where everything is alright so bad im crying

ao3 is such a surreal experience

just read the tags of a fic and scrolled past it like it didn't give me 30 psychic damage and made me lose my faith in humanity