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Hotwife Lifestyle - Being A Hotwife Does Not Mean You’re a Slut (Unless You Want it To)

Recently we received this message from one of our followers who wishes to remain anonymous.  Honestly this question, and variations of it, probably make up over 50% of what we receive in terms of people reaching out for advice.  The question is as follows:   As another guy with kinky sexual tastes I love your page! I haven’t found that special lady who will be my personal Hotwife pornstar, my girlfriend is pretty conservative and classy, looks down on “lifestylers”. Wondering what other fantasies you have and if you’ve brought them all up to S? Hotwife is definitely my #1, but I love the idea of swinging, threesomes (some guy on guy play), etc. If you have, is S receptive to these other things? Advice on getting a classy lady to be a slut for me?

This is actually a fairly common notion among those who are not familiar with the “lifestyle” or any “alternative sexual lifestyle”; the notion that participants are deviants, aren’t “classy”, aren’t “conservative”, and on the flip side, that they need to become “sluts” in order to be Hotwives.  Sadly, all of these things are exactly what perpetuates the culture of misinformation and, to be honest, gives any alternative sexual lifestyle a bad name.  

I’m the first to admit that this lifestyle isn’t for everyone – it’s not mainstream yet, most people are still riding that line between wanting to be in a committed relationship, but also wanting the freedom to be with multiple partners (or see their significant other with multiple partners).  As a society, research shows that we are moving in the direction of a “change” in the way that relationships are defined and treated, and many well known psychologists postulate that in a given number of years, we will see a move away from the traditional “two person relationship” to something that far more closely resembles an “open relationship”. More people are “living together” without getting married, more people are not having children, more people are exploring the ideas of the human’s capability to become physically and emotionally attached to more than one person at a time.   Is this a good thing?  Hard to say, but we’re certainly seeing the roots of that change right here.  

That being said, the point of the question is “how can a classy woman possibly be okay with doing something so taboo and against the social construct?  How can a classy woman possibly be a ‘deviant’”?  This is the first thing that needs to be addressed.  I know many extremely classy AND conservative women who are Hotwives, mostly for the sake of their husband’s fantasy.  You probably, actually, walk passed them in the streets every day, see them in the supermarket, even at your child’s PTA meeting, and you have no idea that they also have this secret “extra life” where they enjoy something that is outside of the norm.  I consider myself a fairly “classy” woman…I don’t typically dress in an overt fashion, even though I always make sure to have nice lingerie on underneath my clothing.  I don’t advertise myself in public as being highly flirtatious or sexually promiscuous.  In fact, if you asked most of my “friends”, they would probably tell you that I’m on the conservative side.  None of them would ever suspect what I do with certain evenings of my life – and I want to keep it that way! Haha

On the flip side, many Hotwives actually prefer to “play the slut”.  They enjoy the power and attention they get from playing this part.  This is okay too!  Whatever floats your boat!  

So, we’ve established that just because a woman is classy doesn’t mean that she can’t also be a Hotwife, and we’ve also established that being a Hotwife doesn’t somehow turn a classy woman into a slut.  In the case of the question posed, the only real answer is to have a frank discussion about exactly what turns this lovely woman off about “lifestylers” – is it personal experience, upbringing, religious views, moral niggles, etc.?  Once you get to the root of the issues, it’s far easier to discuss the situation.  

Take me, for example…in my previous life, I felt the same way about “lifestylers”.  I have a couple in my family who are quintessential stereotypes of exactly what gives “swingers” or “alternative sexual practitioners” a bad name.  I have an uncle who is on his fifth marriage – he’s met his last three wives with married and swinging and left one wife for someone he “fell for” at swingers gatherings.  I also have someone in my family who had an open relationship that was working beautifully for a while, until she fell in love with someone she started dating…she got divorced and ended up marrying the man she was seeing on the side with her partner’s full knowledge.  These cases always made me think that anyone who was in the lifestyle couldn’t be trusted.  When I met D, he slowly started to break down these notions and ideas, and eventually I started to see things a little bit differently.  I can’t say I’m 100% trusting of situations like these – obviously, because I couldn’t handle D being with another woman – but I have gotten better and have been able to, at least, fulfil one of D’s fantasies of becoming a Hotwife.  

Sometimes it just takes sitting down and talking things through with the person that you love and trying to see things from a different perspective – it might not always work, but it’s the best place to start.  Maybe the woman above will never be able to fully commit to being a Hotwife, but with good communication, she may be willing to meet her partner half way and do some flirting, try some new things, etc.

As for the second part of the question…D has pretty much told me all of his deepest and most closely held fantasies, including swinging, being with other women, threesomes, etc.  We spent a good majority of the beginning of our relationship hashing all of this stuff out.  Some of the things he would like or thinks are “sexy” are just not things that I would be willing to do, but the fact that he told me rather than keeping them a secret is probably the healthiest route.  No one wants to “find out” about any type of secret down the road in a relationship – it’s best to up all the cards on the table up front and be honest.  Just make sure to let your partner know that just because you have these “fantasies” doesn’t mean that you need to act upon them to be sexually satisfied or “happy”.

My advice…plan a romantic evening.  Cook your wife a great meal.  Have a couple glasses of wine or a couple of drinks.  Give her some romantic love and attention, and then start a fun discussion about things that turn each of you on.  Don’t suggest wanting to do things “for real”, in the beginning, just throw out the “fantasies” and see how that plays out.  Once you know how she feels about certain things, you can have more frank and directed conversations on the topic.  Remember, pressure is your enemy, and for every wild and crazy “new desire” you bring up, you need to give back to her doubly in terms of romance or sexual attention.  Thank her for being open enough to at least listen to you, and reward her for that by doing something special for her.  This will start a good precedent…if she is open to your desires, then you’ll be more open and willing to fulfill her desires.

Lastly, am I receptive to all of D’s desires?  No.  But we have talked enough about everything to realize that if one person isn’t on board with something, pushing for that thing is only going to lead down a path of discontent and heartache.  D pretty much knows that I’m never going to be comfortable with him being with another woman, and that’s OKAY.  If we’re BOTH not getting something out of what is happening in our lives sexually, then it’s not a healthy thing to do.  A lot of people chastise the “Hotwife” for being okay with her being with other men, but against her significant other doing the same thing.  Well, being a Hotwife is a TURN ON for D, while D being with another woman is a TURN OFF for me, so in the simplest form, that’s why many Hotwives can indulge in one particular fantasy, but can’t indulge (and should not be pressured to) in another.  

I do hope that this little article helps those of you who are attempting to cross the threshold of telling your partners about your desires, and I hope that it also helps you to understand why some things can be “okay” and other things are simply “no-go’s”, and that’s perfectly okay as well.  

- S

A commission of a very hunky demon for Eldrikke over @ FA! This is his demon character, Mora.