Disappointed But Not Surprised

And i pray that you would stay

You thought but this isn’t what you really want

I thought this was the life I wanted, but here I am, waking up to the same old walls, and phone calls from unknown numbers.

I thought this was the life I wanted, going to a city that seemed like home, but it’s hard to call these people a friend of my own. it’s hard to fall for those whose intentions brings shivers down my spine, and a trigger in my mind.

I thought this was the life I wanted, that freedom I once craved, to live wild and free without the fears of my childhood. I believed this was the place I was meant to be, but along the way, I blended in with the crowd and became who they wanted me to be. This isn’t the life I wanted. The life I wanted was you and me, hearing the sound of your laugh, and waking up to your head rested on my chest, with my fingers running through your hair. The life I wanted was to be with you, the only one who made this mess feel alright, whose heart beat became my home.

—- Topaz Pantoja

July 22nd, 2018

You’ll miss her on days where it feels like if you breathe too deeply, if you let yourself relax, everything will come crashing down around you. You’ll miss her presence, her lavender scent that makes wherever you are feel safe and like home. You’ll miss her when you’re in the grocery aisle trying to remember the exact combination of ingredients she uses in her famous chocolate cake. You’ll feel vulnerable, impatient and irritable. Missing her will hit you on days where nothing in particular went wrong and everything seems to be normal. But the only thing you want is to be enveloped in her arms, shutting out the world around you. You’ll miss her the second you hear about someone else losing a mother. Your chest tightens and imagining, if only for a moment, your life without yours freezes everything around you. You’ll feel her absence when you’re sick and leaving your bed to pick up soup and Gatorade seems impossible. She’s not there to place the back of her palm, cool and always soft from the lotion she’s used for years, against your clammy forehead. You’ll miss her when you go out of your way to be there for a friend because it reminds you of each and every soccer game she sat through, just to see you play for a few minutes at a time. It pains you to recall how ungrateful you were, how you took her presence for granted for so many years. You’ll miss her when you’re paying your rent and electricity bill, remembering how she’s been doing it for years. How she sacrificed almost everything just so you could grow up happy and comfortable. You’ll feel a pang of annoyance and the sting of loneliness when she doesn’t pick up her phone when you call. You call again and again, knowing she’s the only person you want to talk to after a long day at work. You’ll miss her when you move into a new apartment and the rooms feel empty and foreign. You try to imitate the way she makes a bed and the way she organizes the kitchen, but nothing works. You’ll miss her when you see older couples walking hand in hand, and you become panicked, scared of what would happen if she ever lost your dad. At some point, your view of her changed and you began to understand what it’s like to feel protective and worry about someone. When even the most insignificant holidays roll around, you’ll need her. You’ll need her traditions, her recipes and the way she makes everything feel like a special occasion. You’ll miss her the moment you leave after a trip home, when you hear her favorite song and when you’re tired. You’ll miss her even though she’s always there – in the way you laugh, in the way you walk and in the way you wear your emotions on your sleeve. This is when you’ll miss your mom.

Elite Daily (via iwaschangedforgood)

“Imbis na mag reklamo ka diyan kasi mamaya o bukas magta-trabaho ka na naman, isipin mo yung mga taong gustung-gustong magtrabaho kaso walang mapasukan o walang tumatanggap. Blessed ka pa rin.”

— Clearly Silly Salad 2020

Hahahha funny

Adorbs 😊

“I may not always understand your ways, your thoughts, your actions or even your words. But believe me, I love you wholeheartedly and completely.”

— Thoughts of Dessa

“Can I help you to feel better in this strange world? Can I, stay by your side, and go through every moment the universe has to offer?”

— Lukas W. // Coffee thoughts #172 (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)