living-healing

Latest Posts by living-healing

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

when hayao miyazaki said that true love was two people inspiring each other to live…recognizing just how hard living is, putting one foot in front of the other every day, how easy it is to lose our passion for it…… that’s the real shit

Cults? In my life? It’s more likely than you think.

In my last post, I talked about how the Law of Attraction and Christian prosperity gospel both use the same thought control techniques as cults. I’ve received several public and private replies to that post: some expressing contempt for “sheeple” who can be lead astray by cults, and others who say my post made them scared that they might be part of a cult without knowing it.

I want to address both of those types of replies in this post. I want to talk about what a cult really looks like, and how you can know if you’re dealing with one.

If you type the word “cult” into Google Images, it will bring up lots of photos of people with long hair, wearing all white, with their hands raised in an expression of ecstasy.

Most modern cults do not look anything like this.

Modern cultists look a lot like everyone else. One of the primary goals of most cults is recruitment, and it’s hard to get people to join your cause if they think you and your group are all Kool-Aid-drinking weirdos. The cults that last are the ones that manage to convince people that they’re just like everyone else — a little weird maybe, but certainly not dangerous.

In the book The Road to Jonestown: Jim Jones and Peoples Temple, author Jeff Guinn says, “In years to come, Jim Jones would frequently be compared to murderous demagogues such as Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson. These comparisons completely misinterpret, and historically misrepresent, the initial appeal of Jim Jones to members of Peoples Temple. Jones attracted followers by appealing to their better instincts.”

You might not know Jim Jones and the Peoples Temple by name, but you’ve probably heard their story. They’re the Kool-Aid drinkers I mentioned earlier. Jones and over 900 of his followers, including children, committed mass suicide by drinking Flavor Aid mixed with cyanide.

In a way, the cartoonish image of cults in popular media has helped real-life cults to stay under the radar and slip through people’s defenses.

In her book Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control, Luna Lindsey says: “These groups use a legion of persuasive techniques in unison, techniques that strip away the personality to build up a new group pseudopersonality. New members know very little about the group’s purpose, and most expectations remain unrevealed. People become deeply involved, sacrificing vast amounts of time and money, and investing emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and socially.”

Let’s address some more common myths about cults:

Myth #1: All cults are Satanic or occult in nature. This mostly comes from conservative Christians, who may believe that all non-Christian religions are inherently cultish in nature and are in league with the Devil. This is not the case — most non-Christians don’t even believe in the Devil, much less want to sign away their souls to him. Many cults use Christian theology to recruit members, and some of these groups (Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, etc.) have become popular enough to be recognized as legitimate religions. Most cults have nothing to do with magic or the occult.

Myth #2: All cults are religious. This is also false. While some cults do use religion to recruit members or push an agenda, many cults have no religious or spiritual element. Political cults are those founded around a specific political ideology. Author and cult researcher Janja Lalich is a former member of an American political cult founded on the principles of Marxism. There are also “cults of personality” built around political figures and celebrities, such as Adolf Hitler, Chairman Mao, and Donald Trump. In these cases, the cult is built around hero worship of the leader — it doesn’t really matter what the leader believes or does.

Myth #3: All cults are small fringe groups. Cults can be any size. Some cults have only a handful of members — it’s even possible for parents to use thought control techniques on their children, essentially creating a cult that consists of a single family.  There are some cults that have millions of members (see previous note about Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses).

Myth #4: All cults live on isolated compounds away from mainstream society. While it is true that all cults isolate their members from the outside world, very few modern cults use physical isolation. Many cults employ social isolation, which makes members feel separate from mainstream society. Some cults do this by encouraging their followers to be “In the world but not of the world,” or encouraging them to keep themselves “pure.”

Myth #5: Only stupid, gullible, and/or mentally ill people join cults. Actually, according to Luna Lindsey, the average cult member is of above-average intelligence. As cult expert Steven Hassan points out, “Cults intentionally recruit ‘valuable’ people—they go after those who are intelligent, caring, and motivated. Most cults do not want to be burdened by unintelligent people with serious emotional or physical problems.” The idea that only stupid or gullible people fall for thought control is very dangerous, because it reinforces the idea that “it could never happen to me.” This actually prevents intelligent people from thinking critically about the information they’re consuming and the groups they’re associating with, which makes them easier targets for cult recruitment.

So, now that we have a better idea of what a cult actually looks like, how do you know if you or someone you know is in one?

A good rule of thumb is to compare the group’s actions and teachings to Steven Hassan’s BITE Model. Steven Hassan is an expert on cult psychology, and most cult researchers stand by this model. From Hassan’s website, freedomofmind.com: “Based on research and theory by Robert Jay Lifton, Margaret Singer, Edgar Schein, Louis Jolyon West, and others who studied brainwashing in Maoist China as well as cognitive dissonance theory by Leon Festinger, Steven Hassan developed the BITE Model to describe the specific methods that cults use to recruit and maintain control over people. ‘BITE’ stands for Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control.”

Behavior Control may include…

Telling you how to behave, and enforcing behavior with rewards and punishments. (Rewards may be nonphysical concepts like “salvation” or “enlightenment,” or social rewards like group acceptance or an elevated status within the group. Punishments may also be nonphysical, like “damnation,” or may be social punishments like judgement from peers or removal from the group.)

Dictating where and with whom you live. (This includes pressure to move closer to other group members, even if you will be living separately.)

Controlling or restricting your sexuality. (Includes enforcing chastity or abstinence and/or coercion into non-consensual sex acts.)

Controlling your clothing or hairstyle. (Even if no one explicitly tells you, you may feel subtle pressure to look like the rest of the group.)

Restricting leisure time and activities. (This includes both demanding participation in frequent group activities and telling you how you should spend your free time.)

Requiring you to seek permission for major decisions. (Again, even if you don’t “need” permission, you may feel pressure to make decisions that will be accepted by the group.)

And more.

Information Control may include…

Withholding or distorting information. (This may manifest as levels of initiation, with only the “inner circle” or upper initiates being taught certain information.)

Forbidding members from speaking with ex-members or other critics.

Discouraging members from trusting any source of information that isn’t approved by the group’s leadership.

Forbidding members from sharing certain details of the group’s beliefs or practice with outsiders.

Using propaganda. (This includes “feel good” media that exists only to enforce the group’s message.)

Using information gained in confession or private conversation against you.

Gaslighting to make members doubt their own memory. (“I never said that,” “You’re remembering that wrong,” “You’re confused,” etc.)

Requiring you to report your thoughts, feelings, and activities to group leaders or superiors.

Encouraging you to spy on other group members and report their “misconduct.”

And more.

Thought Control may include…

Black and White, Us vs. Them, or Good vs. Evil thinking.

Requiring you to change part of your identity or take on a new name. (This includes only using last names, as well as titles like “Brother,” “Sister,” and “Elder.”)

Using loaded languages and cliches to stop complex thought. (This is the difference between calling someone a “former member” and calling the same person an “apostate” or “covenant breaker.”)

Inducing hypnotic or trance states including prayer, meditation, singing hymns, etc.

Using thought-stopping techniques to prevent critical thinking. (“If you ever find yourself doubting, say a prayer to distract yourself!”)

Allowing only positive thoughts or speech.

Rejecting rational analysis and criticism both from members and from those outside the group.

And more.

Emotional Control may include…

Inducing irrational fears and phobias, especially in connection with leaving the group. (This includes fear of damnation, fear of losing personal value, fear of persecution, etc.)

Labeling some emotions as evil, worldly, sinful, low-vibrational, or wrong.

Teaching techniques to keep yourself from feeling certain emotions like anger or sadness.

Promoting feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness. (This is often done by holding group members to impossible standards, such as being spiritually “pure” or being 100% happy all the time.)

Showering members and new recruits with positive attention — this is called “love bombing.” (This can be anything from expensive gifts to sexual favors to simply being really nice to newcomers.)

Shunning members who disobey orders or disbelieve the group’s teachings.

Teaching members that there is no happiness, peace, comfort, etc. outside of the group.

And more.

If a group ticks most or all of the boxes in any one of these categories, you need to do some serious thinking about whether or not that group is good for your mental health. If a group is doing all four of these, you’re definitely dealing with a cult and need to get out as soon as possible.

These techniques can also be used by individual people in one-on-one relationships. A relationship or friendship where someone tries to control your behavior, thoughts, or emotions is not healthy and, again, you need to get out as soon as possible.

Obviously, not all of these things are inherently bad. Meditation and prayer can be helpful on their own, and being nice to new people is common courtesy. The problem is when these acts become part of a bigger pattern, which enforces someone else’s control over your life.

A group that tries to tell you how to think or who to be is bad for your mental health, your personal relationships, and your sense of self. When in doubt, do what you think is best for you — and always be suspicious of people or groups who refuse to be criticized.

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)

Physical abuse

they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically

they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again

they make it clear that they want to hit me

they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me

they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)

they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)

they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with

they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say

they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed

they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me

I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me

they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger

Social abuse

they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life

they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life

they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with

they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy

they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone

their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company

they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them

they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public

they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends

they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings

they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine

they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful

they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through

they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others

they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes

they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it

they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy

Emotional abuse

they yell at me even when I’m already crying

they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough

they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”

when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me

they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them

they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller

they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them

they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing

they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing

they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs

when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work

they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past

they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again

they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work

it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs

they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return

they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all

if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead

they’ve cheated on me before

they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them

they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness

they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared

they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies

they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted

they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it

they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved

they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them

they lied to me about having other relationships or being married

they make me feel like I’m hard to love

they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me

they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me

they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it

I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do

I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important

I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty

I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me

I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did

I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me

I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it

I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time

I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.

I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.

I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.

I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.

I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.

I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.

I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.

I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.

I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.

they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave

Psychological abuse

they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards

they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt

they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life

they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic

they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation

they question my choices until I start doubting them myself

they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices

they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love

they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)

they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me

they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)

they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)

they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)

I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset

they make me comfort them when they hurt me

they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation

they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant

they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts

they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful

they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)

they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)

Body control

they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence

they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself

they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body

they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions

they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices

they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse

they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw

they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)

Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)

they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances

they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things

they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)

they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me

they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income

they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do

they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)

they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it

they lie to me about finances and our current standing

they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)

I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings

I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble

I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose

they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances

Sexual abuse (tw rape)

they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”

they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act

they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me

they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me

I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex

they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing

if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards

I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do

they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them

they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to

they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before

they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so

they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze

they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me

they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing

they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me

they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex

they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex

they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex

they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with

they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act

they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey

they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex

they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually

they demand a lot of  sexual attention but refuse to give any to me

they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way

they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually

they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)

they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others

*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being

If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.

I hate the “get out of your comfort zone” sentiment because firstly fuck you for assuming everyone has a comfort zone, it’s an idea created in comfortable and privileged environment and cannot apply to survival type lives, I am trying to keep myself in the zone of “discomfort I can survive” and only other zone I can go to is “discomfort that will make me suicidal in 10 seconds or less” and i’m not risking my life for that shit, secondly it’s implying that already overwhelmed people don’t have the right to feel comfortable, and if they work towards feeling comfortable they’re doing the wrong thing, and it’s been enough of that, all of you, every person on this planet has the right to feel comfortable, and should work towards that first, and god knows if i ever find a place i feel comfortable in i will never ever leave

“Trauma is a wound. Complex trauma is thousands of wounds inflicted on already existing ones. You’re not weak. You’re made out of wounds. You deserve to retreat. You deserve to rest. Just existing with so many wounds is exhausting and a torture.”

— you don’t have to explain to anyone why you can’t get out of bed today. (via furiousgoldfish)

“When you are attracted to people, it’s because of the details. Their kindness. Their eyes. The fact that they can get you to laugh when you need it the most.”

— Jodi Picoult

Every time I see you

I think

"This is it

I could never love a person more"

And then you show me these new things

These new ways to love

New things to fall for

New ways to feel.

I don't know how you do it

But you out do yourself

Every damn time.

“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”

— Lemony Snicket

Abusive parents make sure their children always act like everything’s okay. That’s one of the first things you learn there: don’t let the neighbours hear you scream, don’t cry in public, don’t show your marks from being beaten to anyone, don’t talk about things that go on at home, show that you’re okay, don’t be a weakling, don’t let people get the ‘wrong’ idea. You learn that 'acting’ okay and making sure nothing is suspicious about your appearance comes way before your needs or your well being; keeping the family’s secrets is imposed on you before you even know what’s being asked of you.

There’s almost unspoken rule to not ask for help; in fact if you do, you’ll be punished, so asking for help will feel as the same thing as asking for pain and humiliation, something highly inadvisable to do. So on top like feeling that most of the abuse is your fault just because you never said anything or showed symptoms, you learn not to ask for help, ever. The mere thought is humiliating and like you’re making yourself weak and a target for bullying, even when it would be okay, even preferable for anyone else to ask for help in the same situation.

It’s not your fault if you can’t ask for help. If pretense of normalcy was ingrained into your mind since you were a kid, that’s not something you can fight. Trauma conditioning is powerful and it created a real barrier between you and anyone who could possibly help, just to keep you abused in secrecy, to make sure you’re keeping it secret, isolated and alone in it. This is not something you could have done to yourself, or chosen, it’s inflicted, and none of your responsibility.

When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

Did anyone else experience abusive parents telling you how ‘lucky’ you are that you’re still a kid because you have it easy now, and things are about to get much harder for you once you grow up, because people still 'coddled’ you because you’re small but once you’re adult you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone, and will have to work much harder to get by? And it would instill complete terror in you because you were barely surviving as it is, things were already so impossibly hard and painful you wanted to end your existence, and by telling you things are about to get harder, you were actually told “you aren’t going to live for much longer“ and it was a big part of why you never expected to live to grow up

‘They’re your parents, of course they love you!’ sentiment needs to die, my parents have been giving me the murder vibe since the start and yall are being like 'that’s what love is like!’ no it isn’t?? Stop saying nonsense! Convincing children abuse is love is making it worse! You all expect us to be tolerant of hatred and abuse on daily basis and to call it love to make you feel more comfortable with it? I’m sorry but none of us owe you that.

Neglect is abuse. It has the same effect on you. Being last on the priority list of people “have other things to worry about” is not how you grow up into an emotionally healthy person. You will accept being ignored and neglected because it’s whats expected of you. You will be grateful for crumbs of attention and seek for no more, no matter what. You will grow up dealing with every problem alone and learning to not reach out, not ask for help, not take away a second of someone’s precious time for your problems that surely couldn’t matter.

You learn to be quiet and invisible and to not show signs of pain. You learn to blame yourself for not speaking out, for suffering alone, as if you’re doing it on purpose. You learn to cope with being insignificant, because when you’re neglected, that’s a given. Surely, if you were of any importance, someone would care enough to notice, to talk to you, to see if anything’s wrong. To see if you’re drowning in depression and dissociating from the amount of pain you’re in. Surely, what you’re going thru would matter to someone.  

People who don’t care to give you attention are not people who love you and care for you. They don’t raise you, they don’t even learn who you are. And it’s only a matter of time before you fall into resignation and learn that being ignored and sent to the gates of hell to deal with demons all by yourself, is how your life will be. And the more dangerous part – if someone gives you predatory attention, if someone finds something they can use within you, something they can tear away for their own purposes – it will feel welcome, it will make you feel like finally, you’re good for something. Finally, someone is looking at you. You’ll welcome people who use and hurt you, because even that is better than to be completely and utterly abandoned and ignored by the world. Neglect will make you welcome abusers in your life, not only without caution, but with gratitude that even for a moment, you’re not feeling neglected anymore.

You might be suffering the consequences of long term abuse if:

you feel uncomfortable taking credit for things you did

you feel uncomfortable being praised or complimented, and you feel like sudden expectation or blackmail are coming up afterwards, you need to find intentions behind praise

someone getting mad at you is absolutely terrifying and you’ll do anything to avoid it

you don’t ever feel it’s safe to stand up for yourself, you can predict that even if you did that, ultimately you’d only be punished and hurt even worse, and you can’t risk it

you always analyze every situation with „am I bothering these people? Is my presence a burden to everyone?“ even when you’re with friends or at a place where you were invited

you don’t feel like a part of anything, not your family or your peer group, you worry everyone is going to figure out that you’re out of line trying to pretend to be a part of their group and reject you

you worry that you have no value to anyone and you feel like you need to deserve to be a part of society

you feel inexplicably ashamed of yourself, there are so many situations you can’t talk about, or even think about without feeling overwhelming shame

you keep feeling everything bad that happens is your fault, even for things that aren’t related to you directly, you feel responsible and like you should have done something to prevent it

you feel like everything would be better if only you didn’t exist

you struggled with suicidal thoughts before (or still struggle with them)

you feel like anyone who hurts you is justified in doing so and you deserve to be hurt

you’re terrified of being punished for anything you do, and don’t do, to the point where you paralyze and can’t do things you’re supposed to do at times, because you can’t tell if it’s going to end up in you suffering punishment

you don’t feel comfortable being touched or cuddled, you feel like it makes you weak if you desire it

you don’t feel okay showing big emotions in front of anyone, you feel your feelings in secret, or not at all

nobody knows just in how much pain you are. You don’t show it.

you can tell that even if you did talk to someone about your problems, you’d be accused of exaggerating, asking for attention, faking it, or being weak for not controlling your emotions better

you feel like the dream of a good life, where you’re loved and happy and cherished, is something completely unrealistic and it feels silly to even imagine it, it’s out of reach for you

If it’s only a few you can relate to, they can be caused by outside factors, but if you relate to almost all of these, it’s likely you’ve been living in a situation that is unbearable for human being without severely affecting their personality and mental health. Abuse can cause all of this, and these are not little things, this is lowered quality of life.

Can we please stop associating being a good person with how much you're willing to suffer in silence for other people? You can be a kind person and still say "no, I don't have the time/energy to help you with that." You can be a kind person and still say "this makes me uncomfortable, please stop." You can be a kind person and still say "I disagree and here's why." You can be kind and still say "I'm not okay with this." Being kind is about treating people with kindness and respect, not about being the human equivalent of a doormat!

Trauma didn't make me nice, I consciously made me nice because I don't want anyone else to suffer like I did. Trauma didn't make me strong, I made me strong. Don't you dare ever tell me my trauma made me anything but scared, broken, and confused. Don't give credit to the abusers for me being a good person. They didn't make me good, I made myself good.

Abusive parents will sometimes straight up accuse you of abusing them. Suddenly, you not being ‘nice enough’ is abuse, or you yelling back at them, or calling them out, or refusing to see and talk to them, or being angry and upset at the shit they do to you.  Your every reaction or feeling that they don’t like can be called abuse, they will shamelessly play at your guilt and convince you that you, in fact, have the power to abuse them, and are doing so every second you’re not doing and feeling exactly as you’re told.

This is nonsense, because between parent and a child, parent holds all the power. Parent decided weather the kid eats and sleeps that night, they decide what the child can own and what resources they can have, parent decides where the child lives and in what conditions, weather the child is loved or exposed to pain and abuse constantly, they can take away anything from the kid and often give themselves rights to order the kid around, just what power does the kid have? To mildly annoy the parent. While risking being abused and yelled at. Some kids might risk publicly embarrassing parents but even that only in situations where they wouldn’t be tortured for it back at home. Children don’t have absolutely anything except their ability to react, to feel pain, to be angry at injustice, to listen to instincts when they suggest that the parent is harmful and not to be trusted.

Refusing to talk to your parent is not abuse. Wanting to keep distance, yelling at them for disrespecting and hurting you, is not abuse. Calling them out, not liking or loving them, refusing to do as you’re told, having your own feelings and reactions that parents don’t like, is not abuse. It’s being a human being, and naturally struggling with the fact that your family member, who is responsible for you, who can decide everything in your life, doesn’t love or care for you. It’s devastating and if you deal with that by yelling and wanting them out of your sight, you have the right to that much. You have the right to more.

You’d only be able to abuse your parent in a situation where you own their place, all of their stuff, have control over their finances, can kick them out on the street or control their living situation, and you’re physically stronger than them and don’t care how much you hurt them. The exact opposite of that is true, for the vast majority of children, and even adults. Only abusive parents ever accuse their children of abusing them. Any normal, decent parent would never try to pass such utter nonsense to make you feel as if you’re doing to them what they’re doing to you, to make you feel guilty and confused and more easily controlled by them. You’re guilty of nothing.

“You’re the one I want to go on late night drives with while holding hands and singing along to the radio, to drive to the middle of no where and look up at the stars while in each other’s arms, the one to kiss at red lights, the one to hold tightly in my arms, the one to go to coffeehouses with while having tired eyes, the one to be mine while I am yours.”

—

“You will always be fond of me.

I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”

- Oscar Wilde

If you’re living in an abusive environment, and you often doubt your own memories and wonder if it’s really that bad or if you’re overreacting, here’s a few things you can do:

Write down what your abusers are telling you in the time of abuse. It can be easy to disregard it at the time it’s happening, but once you write it down, you can read it later and only then see how actually horrid and disgusting these words are. Whenever you doubt yourself, read these words. No loving parent or partner would say words like that, no matter what kind of angry they are. If you write in the dates too, these writings will also serve as a proof, if at any time you decide to take legal action against them.

Check the double standards – would you be able to get away with acting toward the abuser the same way they’re acting towards you? Would you be safe doing any of the things abusers are doing to you? For instance, if they threaten you, or pick apart your appearance, insult and humiliate you, destroy your confidence, ruin your plans and goals constantly, invade your boundaries, act like you don’t have feelings or imply you’re worthless and a burden – could you ever do any of that back, safely? If the answer is no, then all of their aggressions, even ones they mask as ‘jokes’ and 'well intentioned’ are based on a power imbalance. They’re punching you down because they know you can’t defend yourself. That’s abuse.

Ask yourself, would I ever do that to someone. For every and each of their abusive actions, imagine yourself, with your own future kids, or a partner if it’s the abusive relationship, and ask yourself if you would ever do any of that to a loved one, anyone. How would that person feel. Once you put yourself in their own shoes, and imagine someone else suffering at your hand, it becomes clear their excuses are worthless, a decent human being would never do what they did, no matter the circumstances.

Only abusive people will ever try to tell you that you’re lucky it isn’t worse. Only abusive people will demand you to be grateful, or compare themselves to someone worse to prove how bad it could have been. What you can do is keep having healthy references to what a non-abusive environment looks like. If it’s your home, you should feel safe and loved in there. If it’s a relationship, you should be completely equal, never diminished or told you’re less than. If these people are nowhere near making you feel safe and loved, and insist on you being less competent, stupid, unworthy, deserving of pain – ask yourself what the heck is wrong with them. Even if by some insanity you could possibly be stupider or less competent, a loving person would never ever feel a need to say that to you to your face, they would see what is good in you, and point that out, over and over.

If your doubt in yourself is based on this person treating you badly, while they treat everyone else good, know that normal people treat their loved ones, their family, with more warmth, more allowances, more softness and forgiveness than their collegues, neighbours, outsiders, bosses or strangers. If this abuser chose the most vulnerable person, the one who relies on them the most, to abuse, something is wrong with them. They’re obviously capable of being polite and respectful – as they let on by treating others better, so why don’t they utilize their skill with someone who truly cares about them? Because at heart, they’re just an abuser. Playing nice with others is only to build a reputation that helps them discredit victims. Problem is not within you, but a monster who treats the people they supposedly love, worst than enemies. They’re incapable of love. You were lovable all along.

there’s something about you that makes me want to be better. i look at you working so hard and achieving all of your goals and it makes me want to do the same. i want to be the best version of myself for you because you look at me and i know i can be.

4am

“It’s like when you read a novel and you’re so captivated by it that you don’t even realize you’re approaching the end of it until there are no more pages to turn. You’re left with this dreadful emptiness and aren’t quite sure what to do with yourself because while the book is finished, the story is living on inside of you.”

— This is what breaking up feels like - Jess Amelia 

i.

The light in your eyes is not the street lamp that will guide me home. All of my friends tell me I make decisions too quickly for my own good, leave people too soon, but I’ve always believed love isn’t a sensation you can think through. You only feel it or you don’t. It’s either there or it’s not, it either exists like a fire in the darkest night your eyes have ever seen or never alighted at all. I’ve tried to run from that truth, I’ve tried to bury myself in arms that felt more like coffins than they did bedsheets. I tried to suffocate so you can breathe, I tried to drown myself because the you wanted me to become a part of your ocean so badly and I could never tell you “no”. I tried. And I tried. And I tried. But everything inside of me yearns for something more. Maybe there is so much darkness inside of me that I crave for the brightest of fires, something that will tear the fabric of my soul apart, but deep down I know you never managed as more than a flicker within me— not because you weren’t enough, but because you believed loving me was a habit instead of a revolution.

ii.

I am so much more than a “good morning” text or compliments I could find on Instagram posts. I am so much more than what you thought I needed to remain comfortable. Fuck, love is so much more than remaining comfortable. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what love is supposed to feel like, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like being trapped. Deep down, I know I am meant for something greater than affection that reeks of routine and the fear that I’ll never find anything better. Love isn’t supposed to be a chore. Love isn’t supposed to feel like passing the time. Love isn’t supposed to be mediocre. Life is too short, too full, too beautiful to be populated by regular love and lovers who cannot understand that affection is more of a revolution than an emotion. I am sorry if I am asking for too much, but I would kill myself before I allow the fires that reside within me to slowly dim in light of an affection that never burned bright enough. I’m sorry women like me don’t come with warning signs, but I pray someday someone will fall in love with me due to the flames alone.

— ap (12.18) loving me was a revolution but you never learned how to handle fire

We look at people who leave relationships like they’re monsters like how could you just decide you don’t want someone anymore when they treat you well and maybe they gave up a job for you or moved, whatever. But really we’re allowed at any time to decide ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’ no matter what someone has done for us. Why should I have to stay unhappy just because you treat me well? And okay, maybe I have no reason to be unhappy in the first place if you treat me so well, but that’s a separate issue. Because what it comes down to is it doesn’t matter why I feel this way, just that I do. And that’s allowed. And it doesn’t matter how great you are or what you’re willing to do for me because sometimes it’s just not going to be the right path for me no matter how smooth you pave it.

Dear PTSD

You were not who I thought you were.

You did not look the way I thought you looked.

Nor did you smell the same or act the way I expected you to act. PTSD, I thought that you were only your soldiers problem.

I thought that it could only be contracted when in the battlefield.

I thought that you could only come in the night, or only in small movie like flashbacks.

PTSD I did not expect you to look like me when I first saw you.

PTSD I did not expect you to come in the shape of me. PTSD I did not expect you to act like panic attacks, over the smallest littlest things; or strong aversion to people and things,

I did not expect you to look like this.

PTSD looks like sobbing on the floor of my kitchen

Because my father’s voice is so loud in my head

And I can’t move or breath.

Ptsd, you are the most artful shapeshifter

Sometimes you are anger

Or deep deprivatety

Or panic

Or long stretches of insomnia

Sometimes you dress up like sadness

And other days you are nothing

Disappeared

Into thin air like you were never here.

But like darkness growing as the sun goes down

You are always there .

Ptsd, you are not who I thought you are.

I didn’t know I could be hunted by things I can’t remember.

But this is a talent only you can master.

Repressed memories you plant in my head like

Hidden bear traps,

Covered like normal life

Until one wrong step and I’m falling

Falling deeper

Deeper into the darkness

Where you sit,

A reflection of me I do not recall.

Ptsd- when the fuck did you become me?

I suppose I shouldn’t be addressing this poem to you

It’s trauma who is the cause to it all.

But you are the continuous abuser

Even though I am no longer in the battlefield

You keep me on edge.

Even though I am not there you make me feel like I am.

You are salt in the wounds,

You are lemon juice in paper cuts.

Dear ptsd,

When I was diagnosed with you

I cried with relief.

I was just so damn ecstatic have a face and name

To my now constant companion.

I know you’re here for the long haul,

At every corner

Waiting to jump out

Remind me that

Just because you should be safe

Doesn’t mean you are

And that just because you think you can

Trust

Doesn’t mean you should.

What it feels like to fall out of love with someone

I have seen so many posts about relationships ending, but none of them are ever from the point of view of the people who do the ending. So many posts about not being loved anymore, but I’ve never seen one about what it’s like to fall out of love with someone.

It’s when you see them and you don’t feel that same rush you once did. It’s not caring whether you can call them or not. It’s everything about them that annoys you, things you previously ignored, starting to slip in.

It’s denial. It’s horror at your own thoughts, because what are you even thinking? You love this person. You want to be with them, always. It’s telling yourself, ‘Of course I want to be with them, why wouldn’t I?’

And it’s pushing every single thought away, refusing to acknowledge it, until it eventually gets too much and you have to ask yourself, is this really what I want?

And it goes from not being happier when you see them, to not wanting to see them at all, and finding excuses, because you can’t look them in the eye, this person who loves you and who cares for you, a person who thinks you feel the same, but it’s fading and you’re doing all you can to hold on, but you just can’t.

It’s feeling sick as they tell you they love you because you know you have to say it back, because of course you love them, you have to, but as the words leave your mouth, you can taste bile at the lie.

It’s hating yourself, because this person, who cares about you, who wants to be with you, who is willing to put up with whatever you can throw at them, and you can’t do the same.

It’s the chemistry and the intimacy fading because you’re trying to force yourself because you’re still in denial, and it just makes you miserable.

It’s the eventual realisation that despite your best efforts, it just isn’t there for you. It’s telling your friends, breaking down and asking what the hell do I do, because if they can’t help you, no one can. It’s months and months all building up, and it’s more denial, more hating yourself, because this person, this person who loves you and cares for you, and you’re about to throw it back in their face.

It’s saying it to yourself at two in the morning, not being able to sleep because it’s all you can think about, and for one pure instant, all you feel is relief at finally having admitted it after lying to yourself for so long.

It’s the realisation that you have to tell them, because while you don’t love them, you care about them and the last thing you want to do is hurt them. It’s realising their parents will hate you for something you can’t properly explain, something their friends will never forgive you for, the feeling of letting down all those people.

It’s that awful, awful conversation, and while their world is shattering, all you can feel is relief. It’s more self hatred after, because you have completely and utterly destroyed someone, and you’re relieved about it.

It’s seeing them around a few months later, and they still look like they’re not completely okay, and it’s a sick feeling in your stomach when you make eye contact, and they walk away as quickly as possible.

It is the worst thing you can do to someone, but you just feel relieved you don’t have to lie to them anymore, lie to their parents, their friends.

It’s hating yourself for months, and doubting yourself and everything you do. It screws with your head, and it is one of the worst feelings imaginable.

“It was the way you held my hand; how you could make such a simple gesture so intimate, so special.It were the times you looked into my eyes and let my heart sway in the lingering, low hum of your breath finding the familiar comfort in mine. It was the way your words soothed any hurricane or storm brewing within me; I never could figure how the gentle tone of your voice could comfort me any more than your fingers caressing my skin in the darkest of nights. And then, slowly, holding hands became just… holding hands. The complete element of intimacy was former, as it had wandered away from even the slightest touch, and then I realized I was only sharing mere, physical contact with a stranger once again. You looked into my eyes only to see the reflection of your own, claiming that ‘There aren’t any more fireworks.“ You decided gazing into the same eyes every day was simple and you longed for something new; but on the other hand, I had learned something new every time I even glanced into yours. Someday I hope you realize that the fireworks only cease until you light some more. … And then came the day when your voice sounded like any other voice; the day I heard ‘Hello, beautiful’ and my heart sank as each letter stayed sitting on the edge of your tongue, unwilling to fully leave your lips because it no longer felt, in its entirety, at home with me. At the end of it all, I still wonder how you managed to make every intimate thing we had feel simple again.”

— E.G. Falling out of love

“First time I knew that I was in love was when I realized nothing made me happier than seeing you happy. It was the little moments added up that mattered. It was the way you picked me up from class and the way you walked me home, the way you made me feel better when I was down, and the way you talked me to sleep every night. It was when I found that watching u nap on FaceTime more entertaining than kdramas, when my fingers knew how to call you and how to message you without me having to look at my phone, when you teased me because I liked watching you laugh, and when I knew I was the most comfortable sharing everything with you. I knew I loved you when I put you before my friends and myself. I knew I loved you when everything felt easier with you there. I knew i loved you when I was able to tell you that you were my forever. The small moments that made me love you were easy. Falling out of love with you was the opposite. Falling out of love with you was having to untangle memories from reality. It was wondering what went wrong, wondering what we could’ve done to make it work, wondering why I didn’t do more when in reality I did, and regretting the times I took you for granted. Falling out of love was trying to protect the good memories from being tainted as hurtful things were said to one another. Falling out of love was slowly letting go, learning to forgive, and still loving you for what you meant to me in those 2 years. You fall in and out of love one step at a time. I loved you the way a child would put a jigsaw puzzle together and I stopped the way a child would slowly take the puzzle apart. You were the best thing that happened to me for 2 years. But now the best thing that happened to me was us not working out. We changed and we wanted different things and that is ok. You’ll still always be my friend that I no longer talk to as much. And I know you still always have my back when I need you. im thankful our love story ended because i know myself more now and these past few months reminded me that I’m more than enough and that I’m worthy of being treated better and that there are other people who love me for me. That it was never just you.”

— Ivy X, instagram.com/poisonivayy