Mnarmorhide - Freeblade Vortigan Of Tarnis

F*ck you. Roll for it.

So I’m DMing and my players were searching for a powerful artifact that they knew was in the possession of a local cult. They decided to infiltrate the cult as new recruits in order to learn more and to avoid violence. The party consists of a Barbarian Goliath, a Cleric Dragonborn, and a Human paladin that managed to talk their way into the inner levels of the secret hideout. At this point, they have all decided in private the the cult was insane and too dangerous to be left intact, so they’re planning to slaughter everyone from the inside, they’re just waiting for the right moment while the leader tours them around. The cult leader stops to pick something up from a guard at a check point that has an iron door complete with a mail slot. My Goliath suddenly interrupts my narration with:

Golaith ooc: I grab him. The cult leader.

Me: What? I uh… Sure. Go ahead. Roll for a grapple.

Golaith ooc: Nat 20 plus 13 athletics. I grab him.

Me: Well goddamn. Ok, you grab the cult leader in one hand around the throat as the guard watches in horror. Now what?

Goliath ooc: I push him through the mail slot.

Me: … Fuck you. Roll for it. Raw strength. There’s no way in hell you’re gonna-

Goliath ooc: *Nat 20 again* AYY LMAO! What was I not gonna do?

Me: Wow. You uh… You push the man through the mail slot. Headfirst. The guard is now covered in his glorious leader, as well as his own shit. Good… Good job.

*Paladin & Cleric start golf clapping in approval*

… I had another thought relating to Sigmar playing dad to Lorgar. As in like, proper crossover.

Gelt: My lord, about the boy– Sigmar: Yes! A remarkable child. And already in fighting shape, too! They grow up so fast, don’t they? Gelt: Not like that they don’t. Sigmar: No? Are growth spurts not common in this age? Gelt: Yes, they are. But the boy is nearly as tall as we are, my lord. Sigmar:  And? Gelt:  He is eight. Sigmar: … Yes? 

He’s forgotten many things. 

“Those poor boys”

“She deserves to be punished too.”

“I’m not saying I support rape, but-”

“Sorry to say - she deserved it.”

“She put herself in harm’s way”

“But if she was fingered, then that’s not rape.”

“She ruined their lives.”