Mnarmorhide - Freeblade Vortigan Of Tarnis

‘WHAT TEACHERS MAKE” A poem by Taylor Mali. Illustrated by Zen Pencils. BUY THE POSTER

F*ck you. Roll for it.

So I’m DMing and my players were searching for a powerful artifact that they knew was in the possession of a local cult. They decided to infiltrate the cult as new recruits in order to learn more and to avoid violence. The party consists of a Barbarian Goliath, a Cleric Dragonborn, and a Human paladin that managed to talk their way into the inner levels of the secret hideout. At this point, they have all decided in private the the cult was insane and too dangerous to be left intact, so they’re planning to slaughter everyone from the inside, they’re just waiting for the right moment while the leader tours them around. The cult leader stops to pick something up from a guard at a check point that has an iron door complete with a mail slot. My Goliath suddenly interrupts my narration with:

Golaith ooc: I grab him. The cult leader.

Me: What? I uh… Sure. Go ahead. Roll for a grapple.

Golaith ooc: Nat 20 plus 13 athletics. I grab him.

Me: Well goddamn. Ok, you grab the cult leader in one hand around the throat as the guard watches in horror. Now what?

Goliath ooc: I push him through the mail slot.

Me: … Fuck you. Roll for it. Raw strength. There’s no way in hell you’re gonna-

Goliath ooc: *Nat 20 again* AYY LMAO! What was I not gonna do?

Me: Wow. You uh… You push the man through the mail slot. Headfirst. The guard is now covered in his glorious leader, as well as his own shit. Good… Good job.

*Paladin & Cleric start golf clapping in approval*

Stop wasting your time with individuals who aren’t really all about you. Stop trying to force connections that aren’t all there, or telling yourself that maybe the reason love isn’t happening for you is because your expectations are too high. It’s not unrealistic to desire a partner that is attentive to your needs and wants, and who puts in the effort to not only get to know you, but keep you happy and feeling secure. Don’t compromise the things you value in a relationship for people who keep missing the mark. Your time could be much better spent. Some day someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize just why you should never settle, and they will be so bold and clear with their love that you’ll never have to think twice.