Latest Posts by myheartisoutatsea - Page 2

Man human imprinting is crazy. My friend’s roomba zoomed by me and I got this intense urge to reach down and pat it. Like it’s just a machine? But it’s a good boy? It spends all day cleaning and sleeping and exploring the house and never complains and it’s just so good little robot? Pet robot?? Pet the robot????? Why am I like this???

My roomba is scared of thunderstorms

I was sitting at my desk just a few minutes ago, drawing, and a really loud crack of thunder went off–no power surges or anything, just thunder–and my roomba fled from its dock and started spinning in circles

I currently now have an active roomba sitting quietly on my lap

This is the best thing i’ve ever heard, (This had 200,000 notes and then tumblr deleted it.

if you c*nsor anything in a post you are l*gally required to put all of the omitted v*wels at the end as a footn*te

*eeoo

These swimming pools with black tiles are my aesthetic. 

One of the baristas at a nearby Starbucks makes me lose my mind every time I’m working there by saying things that are not outside the spectrum of normal human words but are just slightly off-the-wall.

Barista: Welcome to Starbucks, home of delicious, what deliciousness can I put in motion for you today?

Customer: … Can I get a trenta pink drink please?

Barista: Go big or go home, we here at Starbucks appreciate your commitment, what else can I get started for you?

***

Customer: Nitro cold brew with shots of espresso please.

Barista: Brave of you to commit to staying awake for three days, anything else today?

***

Barista: *slams open drive-thru window* HI HOW ARE YOU?

Customer: …I’m pretty good.

Barista: Are you ready to be even better? Because you’re about to be. *hands them their coffee* 

***

Barista, realizing that a drink was made wrong: *slams open window* SO how do you feel about surprises?

Customer: ….they’re okay.

Barista: Great because I’m about to give you one.

***

Barista: You have two drinks so I am going to hand you two straws which means, FANTASTIC news, these straws double as drumsticks. / You have one drink so I am going to hand you one straw and, promise not to tell anyone, this straw doubles as a magic wand.

***

Barista: Here are those cake pops, I plucked them fresh from the tree myself.

***

Barista: *slams open window, holding drink* Amazing, fantastic, delicious, you are a very lucky man/woman!

***

Barista, realizing drink is being delayed or remade: Looks like it’s gonna be just one minute so they have time to put the extra love in.

***

Barista: I’ll be with you in one hot second. *beat* WOW that second sure was hot!

Anyway she has a few dozen catchphrases she rotates appropriately and it’s both distracting and fantastic to listen.

A text I never expected to receive from my mother

russia coming 15 minutes late to the 1917 revolution holding a tsarbucks

so I was listening to music and got this message… at first I assumed that my boyfriend sent the wrong person a message asking for toilet paper, but when i got up to bring him some i saw his phone on the bed and realized 

he left his phone in the room and only took his switch with him, so all he could do was desperately tweet an SOS

david tennants so funny to me cuz  hes like. a very private and quiet person. and all characters they call him to do are like mr slutty mcthot

Happy Pan Day!

(Image description: a background with a pink and yellow gradient in the colors from the pansexual pride flag, at the bottom of the image is blue clouds and across the top are yellow and white stars, text in the center of the image says "Pansexual and Panromantic Visibility Day" with smaller text above that that reads "Acceptance. Inclusion. Respect." and the date "May 24th" below.)

gothic door II

Blanchett on black and white 🤍🖤

The Gondola

Have you ever misinterpreted something and really just questioned how that your version was the misinterpretation? 

It all started when school decided, many decades ago, that children were clearly going to pay attention at 7:30 am to a lecture on the French Revolution. Luckily for my class our teacher recognized that we would not be listening unless he woke us up first. So he preceded with his tried and true method, second only to giving us donuts, and third to jumping-jacks, was by gossiping about school and just life with us. 

So we did our usual morning conversations of a few of the more extroverted kids telling us what they did on the weekend, my only friend in the class ignoring everything to draw for a mother competing she entered, and then proceeding to us pestering the teacher with personal questions. This led to the very American question- 

“Hey, you're a public school teacher with three kids, how do you mange to live in the ‘rich kids neighborhood?’”

And that is where he began the Gondola story. And in actuality his story was shorter than my introduction. He simply answered-

“My wife fell off a Gondola before we met, and she sued the ranch.” 

Now, there are many things I misinterpreted from that sentence alone, but no, it got much worse because the second he said that, the entire class(Except my lone friend who was still nose deep in her iPad) gasped and asked if she(his wife) was alright, okay, doing well, etc. Well, those are okay-ish reactions, I guess. I mean, was the water dirty? 

If you haven’t guessed by this point, when I heard the word “Gondola” I assumed we were talking about the small Italian boat. I wasn’t even hung up on how the wife was doing, I assumed a small 1 foot drop in some water was not life threatening, I mean she clearly lived, this is before she married our history teacher. I was hung up on that he said “sued” and “Ranch.” I was not aware that Gondola’s were like Ubers, or taxi’s, I thought they sort of individually did that sort fo thing. And why would there be a Gondola on a ranch? 

But those questions were immediately shunted to the bottom of the list after what came next. The most prominent follow up question was-

“How far did she fall?”

What? It is a Gondola. How far could she have possibly fallen?

“85 feet.” 

Now most of my class reacted as one would suspect, with loud gases and “oh-no’s.” But I’m not most of my class. My only thought was ‘what?’ I had moved on from her safety by this point because my only reference for how far a human has to fall to die is 630 feet because that’s the height of the St. Louis arch- and never mind I was more baffled by falling 85 feet out of a Gondola. 

I didn’t even begin to think that maybe I had misinterpreted something by that point because I was more troubled with trying to visualize a Gondola, with 85 stools on it and- no, how would that work? It’s too tall and the base is too small, it would topple over. Not to mention that the Gondola would never fit under any bridge, at all. 

How was this all cleared up, you might ask? Well another one of my classmates asked which ski ranch it was at- 

Yes, as I figured out my asking my only friend, in my neck of the woods we call Ski Lifts, specifically the fully enclosed ones, Gondolas. The wife is fine, she’s doing well with little-to no adverse health effects(She actually bounced off something during her fall, but it’s not my story to tell.) and my history teacher is still teaching. And that is how I misinterpreted Gondolas. 

being popular on tumblr is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital

Recycled tumblr humor

when I was in high school my AP english teacher told us we weren’t allowed to eat in class so I took that as a personal challenge to see what the most ridiculous thing I could eat in class without getting caught was so I started bringing soup to class and as soon as I’d crack the lid of my thermos the tiniest bit this football player that sat like 3 rows in front of me would going “I SMELL MEAT SOMEONE HAS SOUP” and no one ever believed him

The orbit of Jupiter protects the Earth from asteroids.

there are guys in my dorm who decided to play cards in the elevator

me holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit

mushroom: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters

me cocking the gun, tears streaming down my face: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

ok but if bruce wayne somehow came upon zuko fresh out of banishment he would lose his mind.

black hair? check. bad parent(s)? check. trauma? double check.

bruce: how’d you get your scar?

zuko: my dad got mad at me for saying that killing people is wrong so he lit my face on fire and banished me.

bruce, vibrating with excitement, already pulling adoption papers from his utilility: that’s terrible. how do you feel about capes.

I just want to point out that this is actually a pretty awesome part in the comic and a move pulled straight out from one of Mark Twain’s novels. In this scene Tintin and Captain Haddock have been catered by people who are unaware that  a solar eclipse does not mean the sun is being eaten, destroyed, stole, etc. It just so happens that tomorrow, the date of their fated exception by said people, there will  be a solar eclipse. So during the execution Tintin pretends to be a god and steal the sun so the people will release him, and it works! 

This was taken straight from Mark Twain, in is book “Yankee in the King’s Court.” It’s a comedy(at least by interpretation) of a New Yorker traveling back in time and ending up in a medical kingdom. When condemned to death by the King, because how was a Yankee supposed to know proper knightly etiquette, he uses his knowledge of a solar eclipse to escape his death sentence. 

So yeah!

Tintin remembers what comes after 15.

what is the coolest rock you have?

probably one of these but i dont know what kind they are

still don’t really understand how some people have trouble just being nice

make this cool lemon the new meme