notanalienscout

Latest Posts by notanalienscout

Please invade the earth. You’ll take better care of it than humans.

Is this an order to attack? My team and I are on a scouting mission, we are not prepared for combat. Recent data suggests humans are more dangerous than we previously believed. What is your ranking? Who approved this?

I certainly enjoyed being a human, fellow unrelated humans. I especially enjoyed partaking in "breathing air".

Hello. Are you enjoying being a human today?

hello friend! as a definite human i am definitely enjoying being a human today! did you enjoy your day as a definitely human?

Good advice, filed and reported to command.

In the midst of all these “Humans will packbond with anything” posts, I’m going to pause and give you some actual, real-world career advice

Ready?  Humans are packbondy creatures.  I mean, there’s just no arguing it.  They packbond readily, and quickly, and unbelievably strongly.  Once a human has packbonded with a thing, they will do anything to help and protect that thing.  

There’s a downside to that, not often mentioned.  It uses up a lot of their time and energy to build those packbonds, maintain those packbonds, and most especially to do the work of helping and protecting those with whom they have packbonded.  It doesn’t leave them a lot of time and energy for helping other beings.  If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first. “Yeah? So?” So you’re probably going to be working with humans for most, if not all, of your career.  No matter how good or bad you are at your job, there will come a time when you need someone else in your workspace to help you with something, whether that’s manning the fry station for 2 minutes while you pee, sending over those numbers from marketing, or dropping everything to teach you how to do a thing that your boss told you to do or else you’d be fired.   Not to mention the big things.  They don’t give promotions to just their friends – at least not so much any more. Promotions go to the people who’ve completed big, visible, important projects.  It seems fair until you consider,,,, who gets the big, important, visible projects assigned to them in the first place?   Humans give boosts to the people they’ve packbonded with.  They mention packbondee’s accomplishments to the boss (or the boss’ boss).  They cover for the mistakes of people they’ve packbonded with.  

“That’s not right! It shouldn’t be a popularity contest! It should be about who does the best –”  Listen to me.  Listen.

You may be right.  You may be the most correct creature to have ever spoken since the beginning of galactic civilization.  It does not matter Humans packbond. It’s what they do. I can’t stop it. You can’t stop it.  No power in the ‘verse can stop it. This is how the human do. All you can do is work with it.  If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first. “Look, I’m introverted and scared of people and I have social anxiety so I really don’t know how to –” Hey, my pal, I feel you.  I, too, am introverted. And I have social anxiety. And I have PTSD that actually – and I recognize that this is bizarre – has ‘business networking’ as a trigger.   For you, I have good news: Humans will packbond with anything.   Like, you don’t really actually have to do anything. You kinda just have to… exist. In their presence. They kinda do the rest.   If you can talk with them, that speeds things up.  But it doesn’t have to be, like, good conversation. Like, it can totally go You: boy, sure is hot out! Human: Man oh man, can you believe it? You: Wow, yeah Human: Totally You: …. Human: ….

This conversation – as awkward and uncomfortable as it felt to you, has caused this human to packbond with you a little more. If you repeat it weekly, you will get good results. 

THE TAKEAWAYS

You need to packbond with the humans you come in contact with

Taking time to do that is not only justifiable, it is an important part of your job, and should be treated as such

That is to say that, as much as you hate it (and believe me, I understand), you have to take time away from actual work and dedicate it to packbonding with your fellow workers

Tips

Plan out your packbonding time. It’s easier if you can initiate than if a human springs packbonding-time on you all unexpected.  In an office job I like to use Friday afternoon, but adjust according to what makes sense to you and your situation.

Keep some packbonding-time questions handy.  My go-to list is:

(If it’s Monday or Tuesday) How was your weekend?

(If it’s Wednesday) How’s your week been so far?

(If it’s Thursday or Friday) Any big plans for the weekend?

How’s your day been?

You don’t have to care about the answers to these questions. All you have to do is remember that if the human is answering questions, they are not asking you any questions.  Therefore questions are your friend.  If you ask follow-up questions, you may be able to get through the entire packbonding time without having to do any of the talking

Learn to disengage from packbonding.  You can use basically the same sentence (or variants on it), but you’ll want to practice it so that you can make it sound natural.  I use “Awesome! Well, I gotta get going. Have a good one!”

I know it feels overwhelming, but a few minutes of packbonding, once a week, is all you need.  Once you build it into your habits it can be no more annoying than doing dishes or showering.  

I am afraid

Hey you! Don’t forget to water your human and give it plenty of nutrients! Humans are kinda fragile and need a lot of special attention so give it a little hug and a nice wash to keep it feeling ok.

If your human is feeling a little down make sure you remind it how strong it is! It’s made it this far!

Sometimes humans have problems with liking themselves and staying happy. Make sure you give this human plenty of love and support. Sometimes it’s hard to cheer up a human when they’re down so please don’t get mad at if it has trouble!

Humans are high maintenance but it’s worth it because they’re so nice and huggable and they just cuddle up and create and get so excited and they’re just so adoreable!

Keep them happy so they do not turn on you

Hey you! Don’t forget to water your human and give it plenty of nutrients! Humans are kinda fragile and need a lot of special attention so give it a little hug and a nice wash to keep it feeling ok.

If your human is feeling a little down make sure you remind it how strong it is! It’s made it this far!

Sometimes humans have problems with liking themselves and staying happy. Make sure you give this human plenty of love and support. Sometimes it’s hard to cheer up a human when they’re down so please don’t get mad at if it has trouble!

Humans are high maintenance but it’s worth it because they’re so nice and huggable and they just cuddle up and create and get so excited and they’re just so adoreable!

Alien: You shouldn’t eat that.

Human: What?

Alien: That thing. Don’t you know it’s extremely acidic? Enough to cause eventual deterioration of your flesh?

Human: ….it’s a fucking pineapple.

Self-Healing

            In addition to multiple posts I’ve seen about humans surviving injuries against all odds, we also tend to ignore injuries, letting our bodies take care of the damage. Got a broken nose? Eh, it heals itself. Cut your leg open? Slap on some ointment and some gauze; it’ll be fine. Got a concussion? A little ice and time and you’ll be fine. So many of us will suffer through pain and fevers and awful physical problems and assume the body will heal itself.

            Zork'ak was in the dining hall when the humans returned from their “cliff diving.” Several of them were laughing, but a few were clutching their head or their nose. Zork'ak rose to meet them, xer eyes cutting to the hurt members of the pack.

            “Did your trip go well?” Xe asked.

            Adam smiled. “Yeah, yeah really fun.”

            “Yeah, my broken nose was definitely really fun.” Wren muttered. Her hand was indeed covering her face with thin material catching what looked to be blood.

            “Shouldn’t you go to the medical wing?” Zork'ak asked.

            Wren shrugged. “It’ll stop and heal itself.”

            “Your body just regenerates broken extremities?” Zork'ak was more and more afraid of this species every time xe interacted with them.

            “Not regenerate, per say,” Carrie answered to Zork'ak’s right. “It’ll just heal broken bones and cartilage. Once I got in a wicked fight, got two or three broken ribs. Hurt like a bitch.”

            “And these bones? Do they also heal themselves?”

            “Oh, yeah. All of our bones heal themselves. You just have to make sure you get it set right. Usually ribs and noses they can’t do anything about.”

            Zork'ak was shocked, unsure of what to say, when xe noticed Jessica standing behind Carrie clutching her head. “Is Jessica well?”

            Jessica looked up then, squinting at the light. “Concussion,” she said.

            “What is a ‘concussion?’” Xe were almost afraid of the answer.

            “It’s when you hit your head real hard and it hurts pretty bad. It can make things disorienting.” Carrie was looking at Jessica.

            “Our medical staff should assess the damage from Jessica’s brain injury.”

            Carrie shook her head. “We gave her some pain reliever, and I’m taking her to her room. She just needs it to be dark and to rest.”

            With that, Carrie took Jessica down the corridor, and Zork'ak returned to xer seat.  

The humans sat around xem at xer empty table.

            “Hurts like hell, man. Not cool,” Steve was muttering.

            “Oh, he was being nice. I would’ve hit you real hard.” Reese smirked.

            “Are you all having a disagreement? A physical fight?” Zork'ak was alarmed. These humans could inflict extreme damage.

            “Oh, no.” Adam was laughing. “Steve got a sunburn, and I hit him on the back. It was pretty fun.”

            “You’re an asshole,” Steve said as he took a bite of his stew.

            “A ‘sunburn?’” Clearly the Klyl’s did not know anything about humans.

            “Yeah. We have to put on a layer of sunscreen, like a protective lotion, or it’ll burn our skin. Kill the top layer.”

            Zork'ak was gaping. “Our sun harms your skin?”

            “Well, it’ not as strong as our sun, but yes. We can still get burned.”

            “We must take you to the burn unit at once. We cannot allow you all to go outside if the sun is killing your skin layers.” Zork'ak started to rise from the bench.

            Steve shook his head. “Give it a few days. It goes way. The body replaces those cells with new ones.”

            Xe sank back onto xer seat. “Is there anything your body cannot heal?”

            “Oh, yeah. Some infections and diseases, heart problems, cancer. Things like that.”

            “But normal, everyday things,” Adam said, “We heal ourselves.”

            Zork'ak wondered how the scorching of one’s skin or the breaking of a bone was an 'everyday’ thing, but xe was unsure of everything xe had learned before these humans arrived. Xe needed to see the commander.

submitted by: @nonbinarygaymergirl

Humans Are Weird

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving. 

My two cents to the Humans are weird tag

I’ve been reading a lot of “humans are weird” posts and I noticed how the aliens just seem… all the same in a way? Like, they all act the same, or live the same way, or something…

Why does it seem like humans are the only ones to… I don’t know, give live birth, or dye their hair/get tattoos?

And why does it seem like humans are weirdly homogenous in those stories. Like… “all humans “pack-bond” “ or whatever.

Why wouldn’t other species have more different languages on their planets?

Why wouldn’t other species have now-useless organs, that are just an evolutionary relic, and serve no real purpose?

Why wouldn’t other species have like eye-sight problems and have some equivalent of glasses or contacts?

Why wouldn’t other species have prostetics?

Why wouldn’t other species get adrenaline rushes (or equivalent of it)?

Why wouldn’t other species wear clothes?

Why wouldn’t other aliens do crazy shit just because?

Why wouldn’t other aliens tan or dye their hair (or equvalent of it) or get tattoos?

Why wouldn’t other species have baby teeth or something similar?

Why wouldn’t other species have mental illnesses or allergies?

Why would humans be so special?

Why would other species act so… primitivelly, despite being so advanced? (Meaning like alpha/beta etc. dynamics being very important or huge size difference between males and females of the species).

So, let’s say that one species usually has like one or two oddities, sometimes more, but none has so many as humans. Humans are not unique in the things they do - they are just unique because of how many weird thing they do.

Imagine some alien captain getting briefed on how to handle humans, before a human joins his crew like:

Older alien captain (O): So, one of the things about humans is that they have many languages they speak on their planet, so they might use translators to communicate with each other, too.

Younger alien captain(Y): Like Nintians or Fari?

O: Yeah, like that. And they sometimes use paint to change their haircolor. Their hair changing color is not a sign of illness.

Y: Like with Zagraw?

O: Exactly. And they like to keep small animals with them, even small predators. They call it “pets”.

*continues for another four minutes, while reading other stuff from a screen*

Y: Slow down… these humans sound really out there. You’re sure they do all that stuff? One species can’t do all that stuff, that’s ridiculous.

O: Kid, we’re like on the first page of the manual. There’s a hundred more pages.

Y: You’re kidding me, right?

Humans Are Weird: Not Noticing Pain

The humans were at third meal when Zork'ak sat on the bench. The nutrient researchers had been experimenting with the human flavors, attempting to add it to the meals. This bowl had a slight ‘savory’ undertone that Zork'ak very much enjoyed.

           Wren moved over to allow Zork'ak to sit next to her, which caused a weird constriction around xer straque, xer fluid-pumping organ. Wren smiled at xem, and it happened again. Xe might need to go to the medical wing after meal.

           "I don’t feel sorry,“ Adam was saying.

           "You sprained my wrist!” Steve was clutching his extremity to his chest.

           "You should’ve landed the right way.“

           "Oh, shut up,” Carrie grumbled.

           As Carrie lifted her utensil to her mouth, Zork'ak caught a glimpse of a long cut running the length of the lower half of her extremity. “How did you hurt yourself, Carrie?”

           She looked surprised. “Where?” Zork'ak carefully traced the line with xer talon. Carrie twisted to look at the scabbed cut. “Hmm. Wonder when that happened.”

           "The piercing of your skin sends pulses through your nerves, correct?“

           "Well, yeah.”

           "So you should feel it.“

           "Well, I mean. You usually do. I guess I just didn’t notice when it happened this time.”

           "Sometimes our body can be more focused on other things or like the pain is so minor we barely notice or remember it,“ Adam said. “I mean we obviously notice big things.”

           "I probably cut on something while we were at the collection field.“ Carrie continued eating.

           "She also is the kind of person who doesn’t notice a lot.” Adam closed his eye in what Zork'ak had been told is called a ‘wink.’ “I, on the other hand, do notice things like this.” He flipped his extremity over to reveal two blue spots on his arms. Zork'ak did not study human bodily science, just behavior so xe did not know what this medical condition was.

           "What disease do you have?“ Zork'ak leaned forward to look at Adams, running a talon over the skin to see if it felt different. Xe had been told that xe could touch the humans without asking permission in these situations.

           "Oh, it’s not a disease. It’s called a bruise. It means my blood vessel, the tube that brings the blood to all my organs, was ruptured. It’ll go away after a few days.”

           "You rupture delivery vessels that are necessary to keep your organs functioning and it does not affect your body?“

           Adam shrugged. “We have multiple blood vessels.”

           "Is this an extremely painful occurrence?“ Zork'ak had noticed humans did not seem to mind pain.

           "Nah. I mean, you can usually tell if you are going to bruise because it hurts a little when that spot gets hit, but very minor.”

           "So you don’t notice when you are cut but when one of your… blood vessels,“ Adam nodded,” blood vessels ruptures but you do notice when you touch an object too hard.“

           "Uh, kind of? It just really depends.”

           Zork'ak did not understand how some humans would notice these nerve impulses but others did not. Xe turned to look at Wren, who had been listening to the conversation, and noticed a dark purple spot on Wren’s upper extremity.

           "What is this?“ Xe pointed at the spot on Wren’s arm.

           "Uh,” Wren tried to twist her extremity. “Where?” She was stretching it out, twisting around, finally able to look at the spot on the back side. “Oh, bruise.” She poked it. “Ouch. That hurt.” She proceeded to press it again. And again.

           "Wren?“ She touched the spot again and wrinkled her nose. "Why do you continue to press the spot that hurts?”

           She looked at xem. “You know, I don’t have an explanation really. I guess it doesn’t hurt that much so it’s enticing to keep pressing it to see if it hurts more each time. I’m not sure.”

           "How did you get that bruise?“

           "Couldn’t tell you.”

           Zork'ak looked back at Adam. “I thought you said you all noticed when you have ruptured your blood vessels, and that one looks more painful.”

           "Hers is a dark color because it’s healing, not because it’s more painful. Bruises are nearly the same pain level. Some hurt when you press them,“ he cut his eyes at Wren, "but having them doesn’t hurt really.”

           "She does not know how she received hers.“

           He looked at her arm, then his. "Like I said, it depends.”

           "But.“ Zork'ak was looking at their bruises. "How do you-you don’t notice-I do not understand.” Klyls always noticed any abnormality in their body’s functioning. There was not a time that Zork'ak had not noticed something causing xem pain.

           "It’s complicated, I guess. Our species doesn’t have set rules really.“

           "I have noticed.” Xe looked at Wren. “It makes your species quite hard to study.”

           She laughed. “Good. You can’t know all of our secrets.” She winked at xem then.

           Zork'ak found it hard to breathe for a fraction of a cycle. Xe definitely needed to go to the medical wing.  

What is this planet

There’s someone who has their iPhone named “hot single horses in your area” and they airdrop people pictures of horses randomly. Nobody knows who it is. Once, during an assembly, the laptop that the projector was from had airdrop turned on, and in the middle of a presentation about bullying, it popped up in front of the entire school. HOT SINGLE HORSES IN YOUR AREA WANTS TO SHARE AN IMAGE. A picture of a horse, with text in bubble letters over it saying “available”

Thought about “Humans are space orcs/space fae”. There was a line talking about how theres a human working on a ship but no-ones entirely sure if they’re meant to be there, but they didn’t want to like offend the terrifying space orc.

What if the “drifter” archetype continues into space? Like maybe we negotiated for free travel with one of our allies, but because humans come from a death world and are terrfiying, and because humans can be oblivious, we just assume we can board on any ship going anywhere, nbd?

like not as stowaways. we’re not hiding. Like those wolves and wild dogs in russia that use the railways. Are YOU going to tell a wolf they shouldn’t be riding the train?!? Thought not.

Alien: You’re telling me that in times of great distress humans have been known to suddenly gain the strength necessary to lift objects more than a dozen times their own weight?!

Human: Yeah, it’s called “hysterical strength” and it usually happens in life-or-death situations, like when someone gets stuck under a car or something and someone lifts the car to get them out. We can’t really test it though, ‘cause it only happens spontaneously.

Alien: Humans have the ability to tap into untold strength and power and you don’t even know how you do it?

Human: Pretty much, yeah. We think it has something to do with temporary analgesia, so we just don’t feel the pain we should when we pick up a 3000-pound car.

Alien: YOUR PAIN RESPONSE JUST SHUTS OFF?

Human: Yeah, it’s like an adrenaline thing? Do you not have that?

Alien: Fuck you and your entire species of tiny juggernauts.

You set off explosives. Recreationally. Somehow I lack the capability to be surprised by you anymore.

Aliens and Fireworks

Alien: Despite this being a Level 27-F deathworld, I have had a pleasant time here. Thank you for your persistent invites, Human-Dave. However, I am concerned. There are packs of humans gathering here at this large body of water, but isn’t it time for their circadian rhythms to knock them unconscious?

Dave: *unfolding two chairs* Yeah… But all the alcohol will do the same job soon enough. *reaches into a cooler and takes a beer out as he sits down*

Alien: Um… Are those humans over there supposed to have access to those missiles? They’re not in any uniforms; in fact, they lack the usual amount of clothing humans tend to wear.

Dave: Fireworks, man.

Alien: *as soon as they hear “fire”* Excuse me?

B O O M

C r a c k l e

C r a c k l e

C r a c k l e

*everyone at the lake begins drunkenly bellowing and chanting “USA” in disturbing unison, and someone falls off the back of a truck*

Alien: So, this is how I die.

A-are these feats of athletic prowess normal for humans?!? I should report this to my superiors...

No limit..✌

A human in need

I probably won’t be on here for a while because my life is honestly starting to fall apart and I’m really really scared of what’s next. I’ve never felt so frightened for my future, and I may need to go in the next month or two

Humans... purposefully poison the poison in their bodies. Oh.

Human Health-Ask Kloev

Humans are a strange combination of hardy and fragile. While their bones can be more easily broken than those of other species, and their muscles tear so easily that their own brains trick them into thinking they are weaker than they are, they can heal from nearly any wound, given proper care. In fact, human’s bodies are so good at regenerating themselves that they have developed a variety of disease, called cancer, which results from an incorrectly formed cell replicating too quickly for their body to destroy it. They have the potential to regenerate themselves to death, truly astonishing.

Dear Kloev,

In a recent battle, one of our human soldiers was stabbed in the torso. Believing her to be dying, I went to her side to offer what comfort I could and ask about her culture’s death rituals, that we could properly care for her remains. Instead of answering my questions, she insisted that she would not die and told me to press on her wound to stop the bleeding. I obeyed, not wishing to distress her further. A few minutes later our human medic arrived and took over.

When we returned to the ship, the human doctor spent much of a cycle in the medical room with her. I was concerned that humans do not deal well with the death of their comrades, I had heard that they can be very stubborn and vindictive when they lose a crew member, but there was no wailing and no other humans went in. When the doctor exited the medical room, he said that she needs to heal but will recover in a few weeks. “But she was stabbed in the abdomen!” I exclaimed. The doctor gave me a funny look and explained that he had to repair several of her internal organs and give her several units of blood, but with the medic so close she was in little danger, considering.

Now she is already walking around and doing work, although she is not allowed to work a full cycle because she becomes tired easily. That wound would have killed any other species, and they took extra blood from another human and put it into her body. I am told this is something that is done regularly when a human loses blood. These humans are truly terrifying!

——————

Humans have become famous for their ability to survive injuries and illnesses that would kill other species, but every time I see one of these stories I am again astonished. Humans routinely survive after losing one, two, even all four limbs! Humans can live without some of their internal organs, and even those they cannot live without they can often live with only part of, or only one of if they are organs which come in pairs. In fact, this is such a possibility that should one human lose both of a paired organ, such as their lungs or kidneys, another human may donate one of their pair of the same organ in order to allow the first human to live. Not only does this work well enough that both humans live with few complications, this is done multiple times per day on most human planets!

Thousands of illnesses exist for humans, and very few, perhaps a dozen, are considered unable to be treated. Most humans expect to catch at least one illness every year, and many of those who do catch an illness will continue to work normally while experiencing symptoms. More serious illnesses will require humans to rest, and some require direct medical attention, but even those humans have often created medicines to treat and nearly eliminate fatality for previously healthy individuals.

Humans approach their health care with the same reckless abandon they exhibit in all aspects of their lives. It is not unusual for human doctors to use substances to treat illnesses without understanding how they work! I have been told that medications for many illnesses have been discovered because the medication was being used to something else and “just happened” to cure this other illness as well. In turn, human doctors then begin to use the medication to treat this new illness even if they don’t know why the medication works or, in some cases, even what causes the illness.

Some human illnesses are very difficult for them to treat, or leave lasting damage to the body, and so humans have found a way to prevent them, which they call vaccines. These vaccines are made up of small amounts of the organism that causes the illness, which has been killed or rendered harmless. The organisms, in the form of the vaccine, are then injected into the healthy human in order to contaminate them with a small amount of the illness so that their immune system can “learn” to fight off the illness. Human scientists say that they have used this process of deliberately exposing individuals to an illness in order to prevent it for hundreds of years and have been able to completely eliminate some deadly illnesses in the population completely.

The recklessness does not end there. The disease I mentioned above, cancer, has a high mortality rate for humans because it is an illness created by their own bodies, making it difficult to target with medications and surgery. However, in their usual daring manner, humans have discovered that particular substances, which poison and destroy their bodies, destroy the cancer cells faster than other cells. Because of this, they will purposely poison themselves in order to treat this illness. If that is not sheer recklessness, I’m orange!

@humansareweird @ansixilus

This does not seem right. Why would your species treat people who live in an area worse than those who are sometimes there?

The housing epidemic in Hawai’i has reached an all time fucking low.

Let me tell you a little story.

My landlord informed me that he’s in trouble with the building permitting office, and because I have a perfect rental history he wants to relocate me (with my husband and two kids) to another property. I’m like okay fine, I’ll go look at it.

But then I get there … and it’s literally a concrete slab with walls and cheap windows.

This piece of shit had:

No front door

No floor (just raw concrete)

No walls or insulation

No kitchen

No bathroom, shower, or toilet

No septic tank

No electricity

No water or catchment

They want $825 a month

I asked when they were going to finish the cabin. They said it was already done, and we would have to pay for everything else out of pocket.

Is this illegal? Probably. But in my area, there are over 800 displaced residents who are looking for rentals due to the Kīlauea volcano. Someone will probably be desperate enough to take this offer, but not me.

This is the type of housing conditions natives and Hawai’i locals are dealing with so foreigners can have their Air BnBs, vacation rentals, and retirement cabins. So rich politicians can have a second or third home somewhere tropical.

I will not let my brood mother perish

Reblog or your mom will die in 928 seconds.

I love my mom.

I am risking nothing

I AM SORRY FOLLOWERS, I LOVE MY MOMMY

Will not risk.

sorry followers :(

I was not aware the Treawalbil had permission to launch a research expedition on Earth. I will have to consult my superiors on this.

On the months my research team and I were allowed to live on Earth and observe their habitat I noted the following about human young:

- human young will turn anything into a weapon to mock battle their peers, broom sticks, straws, even their food

- when in large groups human young will display games of mock hunts against each other. The two most common being “tag” where one young will try to catch the other young acting as prey, and “mob” where all of the young will try to catch a single young who acts as the prey. This suggests an instinctive ability for both pack and solo hunting

- human young will often hone their stalking and hunting skills by hiding or attempting to sneak up on others and pouncing with loud sounds meant to intimidate and frighten. This is considered amusing for the attacker and victim  

- adult humans will often mock attack their young with their hands or objects to train the young to protect their vital areas and avoid injury. The young find this amusing and will quickly learn to train each other in this manner

- young humans will often attack and attach themselves to an older human’s legs, arms, or back, hanging on despite being dragged or carried while the adult human walks away. Both humans seems to find the experience entertaining 

- young humans are extremely territorial and will attempt to drive off others from food, toys, and areas they have claimed as theirs with physical and verbal attacks. Fortunately, most adult humans actively try to train this behavior out, insisting the young come to an agreement or share resources and territory. 

- young humans constantly search for new territory, dens, and resources. They will climb trees, shelving, anything they can reach. They will climb under and behind things. If there are no suitable hiding areas they will construct them out of blankets and cushions or any other available item. 

- young humans display a strong pack instinct, quickly forming social groups and defending their group against other groups. Often they will split their own group in order to mock battle each other in contests

- HUMAN YOUNG WILL BITE IF DISTRESSED OR ANGRY AND EMIT LOUD NOISES THAT CALL MATURE HUMANS TO AID THEM

- human young will beg for domesticated carnivores as companions, and if gifted with one will pack bond with it to an extreme point.

- human young will carry a toy and try to protect and nurture it as if the toy was their own young

- human young require constant stimulation in the form of games or information. They will constantly question things and can spend extraordinary amounts of time asking “why”, often while poking the subject in question

- human young will try to eat anything at least once. Anything. If it will fit into their mouth they will attempt to eat it. If it will not fit into their mouth they will lick it. 

-human young will voluntarily deprive themselves of oxygen to the point of unconsciousness in an attempt to trigger protective instincts in older humans so they get their way

- human young display great interest in mimicry, often dressing up as different professions, species, and objects. They also display great skill in mimicking the calls and body language of other species.        *Example: one human young had me quite concerned there was another Treawalbil in distress and I searched for quite some time before I discovered that the young was mimicking a Treawalbil distress trill with complete accuracy.       *Second Example: Human young have begun to wear wear “hats” with artificial crests similar to a Treawalbil and some have begun painting colorful patterns to their arms in imitation of our camouflage. 

- human young communicate constantly and spread information quickly not only among their own social group but other social groups as well.     *Example: The human young who mimicked a Treawalbil distress trill taught their social group and soon I was surrounded by human young calling out in distress. This caused the Treawalbil researchers much anxiety so the adult humans suggested teaching the young other calls. The human young learned enough for basic communication at an astonishing rate, but then other social groups we had not taught began using the same calls as well. Even adult humans began using the calls to communicate with us without translators. 

- Young humans will gift beings and creatures they believe to be in their social group with handmade objects, interesting specimens they have collected, or food. Strangely enough, a being does not have to be human in order to belong to a human’s social group. 

M-melting brains? I-uh I think I might need to sit down and rethink my life.

Alien: So… when harmful foreign substances enter your bodies, you increase your body temperature?

Human: Yep

Alien: You slowly burn yourselves alive???

Human: Well when you put it like that, geez

Alien: And you regularly survive this?

Human: Mostly, but sometimes people’s bodies get too hot and their brains start melting.

Alien: ….

Human: It doesn’t happen so much anymore though, don’t worry!

Alien: Don’t worry, they say. Melting brains is fine, they say.

Even YOU'RE confused about your species?!?

'humans are weird' post

Not greeting someone this way is a sleight to their honor.

Whenever I see a post on tumblr suggesting aliens don’t have gender, I always think–‘but what if also the reverse. What if aliens also have some fundamental social construct we don’t’.

Like, they come and meet us and they’re like ‘hey this is an awkward question but what’s your gooblebygark?’

And we’re like what.

‘You know, the… the thing. Your goobledygark. The thing that dictates whether you’re gnarfgnoovles or brubledoopes’

What. What. What the fuck, those words don’t even mean anything??? What are you talking about?

‘Look, your ridiculous human languages don’t seem to have the words for these! But they’re totally a thing, they’re like, fundamental aspects of social life for our species, just… just let us lick you so we can know what verb tense to use when we speak to you.’

What does one thing have to do with the other??? That makes no–

‘UGH, nevermind, you’re totally brubledoopes, I can just tell, I don’t even need to taste your bacterial skin colonies.’

And then another alien overhears and is like ‘holy shit, you can’t stereotype like that, that’s SO NOT COOL’

‘yeaH BUT THEY WON’T LET ME LICK THEM’

I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.

They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.

You have captive extraterrestrials on your planet?

agent: this is area 51, where the aliens live me: cool agent: and over there is area 69, where the aliens… uh… me: what agent: …. me: what do they do there

Why do you insist on doing the most irrational things, and how has it led to you being the dominant species on the planet?

those “monkey brain/human brain” posts except the monkey brain is presented as the rational one

This seems important to you humans.

URGENT ALL AUSSIES!!!

i know!!! the stupid liberal government has decided on the plebiscite and even tho it’s a waste of money….. please vote!! IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE 18 BEFORE NOVEMBER 25 ENROLL TO VOTE!!! PLEASE DO NOT THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME AND SO MANY OTHERS!!!!!!! PLEASE VOTE YES ON MARRIAGE EQUALITY!!!!!! WE CAN DO THIS!!!!

Humans and Terraforming

If there is one thing that can be said, humans are very good at changing their environment. Now regardless of your views on climate change or greenhouse gases, it cannot be denied that humans have left a big and very literally mark on our planet.

We’ve been doing it ever since our primeval ancestors figured out that fire can be used to clear forest, and that the grasslands created by such burning attracts grazing animals and gives us a clear line of sight for our throwing spears and nets. We have been doing it ever since the ancient humans figured out they could damn creeks to make ponds that lured in waterfowl. That if you repeatedly burned a clearing, the berry bushes would keep coming back ever year. That if you created stone walls along the low tide line, you could create sandy terraces that are perfect for clams. We managed our resources, only fishing at certain times, only hunting certain types of animals, or only cutting certain types of trees.

Then we invented agriculture and we wrought even more changes on the planet. We cleared forests to make room for our fields, pastures and cities. We terraced entire hillsides to allow us to grow crops. We drained swamps and cut the landscape with irrigation canals to provide our crops with water. Often we changed the very course of rivers and altered the soil we relied on, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Forests disappeared as our cities and emerging states needed timber for construction, ship-building, and fuel to make pottery, smelt metals, cook our food, and keep us warm.

But we didn’t just change the landscape, we also changed the plants we grew so that they suited our needs. We changed the animals we relied on. We turned wolves into dogs, auroch into cows, ibex into goats, jungle fowl into chickens, and wild boars into pigs. We called this process domestication, and soon quickly forgot that we had ever been without these domesticates.

We made artificial hills for our rituals, built mountains out of cut stone to mark the tombs of revered rulers, carved symbols into the landscape. Sliced into mountains to carve roads, mine metal ores, and quarry stone. We made monuments so astounding that people thousands of years later thought they must have been made by the gods, and buildings of the modern age that dwarf them.

We’ve also traveled. We’ve crossed all our oceans, bringing with us the animals and plants of our homelands, and returning home with the animals and plants of other lands. Some is intentional. New crops that offer new advantages. Animals from far away to awe visitors or remind us of home. Some is unintentional. Plant seeds lodged in the tread of our boots. Insect larva in the bilge of our ships. Rats that scurry and stay out of sight, and hitch a ride on our sailing ships and outrigger canoes. Some we regret bringing, intentionally or not, others have settled in and carved their own place in their new home.

And now we look to the stars and wonder if we could do the same to other planets. To bring our life and our world to the stars. To turn a red planet green and blue.

And what if we succeeded? What if a red planet turned green, and flushed with our success, we turned to other balls of rock orbiting distant stars.

And what if we encountered other life. Life that was like us, but also very different. What if they had never seen life like ours before, that spread to the stars turning red, grey, and brown planets blue and green.

What if some are fearful. What if they seen our domesticated animals, our sculpted landscapes, and our diverse nations and fear that we will assimilate and change them and their world like we did to our ancient animal enemies and our distant home planet.

But what is some our awed, and look at us and see a species that can not only adapt itself to new and challenges and environments, but that also changes the challenge and environment itself. Often changing and adapting to the changes they themselves wrought. For better and worse, humanity sailed the stars on the crest of a wave of change that they themselves have been creating since their distant ancestors set fire to the underbrush and realized they could use this.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT YOU COULDENT GET ANY WEIRDER!!!???

Morning Poison

Xylo had just finished making a fresh batch of poison to fill the Alpha Squadron’s blow darts before they left to explore the hostile planet of Dran’dal. Made from a plant the humans had introduced them to, the substance was highly lethal if shot into one’s bloodstream, or ingested. Xylo was about to pour the substance into darts when the ship’s resident human wandered in. She had obviously been looking for something, and her eyes lit up when she saw the steaming liquid in the beaker in Xylo’s hand. “Yo, Xy. Can I have some of that?”

Xylo went still and turned toward the human quizzically, but handed her the beaker. “Of course?” It came out sounding like more of a question than a statement, but the human had bonded with everyone on board the ship, so there was no risk of her doing something with lethal consequen- Xylo’s thoughts were cut off by alarm as the human raised the beaker to her lips and downed the contents. They scrambled for the comm at their hip, desperate to call a medic, but they knew it was already too late. Still, somehow the human rushed towards them.

“Xylo, what’s wrong?” Her forehead creased in concern, but not for herself, Xylo realized. She was concerned for them.

They tried to keep their voice from shaking as they answered, “You just drank an entire batch of poison. How are you not dead?”

A flash of confusion flashed across the human’s face, before she started laughing. Xylo stared. They had long gotten used to the human habit of using signs of aggression as an indication they were happy or found something humorous, but there was nothing humorous about ingesting poison.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” the human managed to say after they had calmed down. “But that’s not poison, not to humans anyway. We call that coffee. A lot of us drink it every morning because the caffeine helps us stay awake.”

Xylo’s blank stare slowly changed to shocked horror. “It’s the caffeine that’s poisonous…”