Paradoxf0x - Here Lies My Brain Vomit

My family is the weirdest combination of rich white people and crazy-ass redneck

Like,

Our fridge has a designated beer drawer filled exclusively with cans of Bud light, but our silverware is organized by use, with the soup spoons separate from the regular spoons, the dinner forks separated from the desert forks, and the butter knives separated from the cheese knives, and each is used as such

Our welcome mat says “trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again” and then you walk into the house and immediately see an ornate china cabinet filled with polished silver china, directly to the left of which you will see a machete hanging from a rope on the wall

Upstairs you will find a TV sitting on top of a broken TV, using it as a stand, and if you walk farther down the hallway you will come across a full liquor bar, filled with respectable alcoholic beverages such as cognac, surrounded by pictures of women in the traditional “skimpy German Bar Wench” outfits, then directly opposite this is a random weight bench and various scattered exercise equipment on the floor, because there was space for it I guess

Stalling for time be like

This. This is the level of sarcastic arrogance I strive to achieve; where even my weapons are snarky, contemptuous bitches

A well playing job, countless new friends, *and* I can legally threaten bitchy customers with an iron rod? Where do I sign?

I’ll keep them graves so spotless you’ll be able to see the reflection of your dead loved ones standing hauntingly behind you.

Yesssssss the puns

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

Edgar Allen Poe: There’s a body under the floorboards, it’s heart beats to the sound of your guilt.

Everyone else: umm...

Edgar Allen Poe: The raven knows your name, it knocks on your window, quoting forevermore.

Everyone else: You okay, bro?

i need to stop picking at my face but the problem is theres Textures On There and i would prefer if there Werent

The thing about this is that it’s not just other people. I used to get compliments all the time on my hair before I transitioned; it was long and wavy and people loved it. But I hated it. To me, my hair was plain and ordinary and burdensome. It was always in the way, an absolute sensory nightmare, never did what I wanted, so I never styled it, never put any effort into making it look nice, besides washing it every so often. I didn’t understand why everyone loved my hair so much, but I liked that they liked it, so much so that it became part of my personality. So then when I transitioned and cut it all off, I was deeply upset, thinking no one would like my hair anymore and therefore that I had lost a piece of myself.

But after a few very very bad haircuts (as is the right of passage for every trans man) I found a hair cut I absolutely loved. I loved the way it felt, the way it looked, the way it wasn’t in my eyes all the time, the way it wasn’t touching the back of my neck, absolutely everything about my hair I loved. So I learned how to style it, how to use all kinds of different products so that I could make it do whatever I wanted, and I started putting effort into my hair. I styled it every morning, dyed it a different blue every six weeks. My hair has never looked better. And I still get compliments all the time from strangers about how much they love it. Probably more than I ever did pre transition. But it wouldn’t matter to me even if I didn’t, because for the first time in my life, I love my hair, because for the first time in my life, it’s mine.

There is something so so very absolutely, incredibly, incomprehensibly amazing about looking in the mirror and finally seeing yourself. And I hope every person gets to experience that in their lifetime at least once.

btw the biggest lie you will ever be told about being trans is that transitioning will make you ugly. that could not be further from the truth: i never got compliments on my appearance ever, but after i transitioned, began dressing like myself, wore my hair the way i wanted to, and especially started T, i have gotten more compliments than i ever have before in my life. people can tell when you look like yourself, like who you're meant to be. it's beautiful, attractive, and sexy. transition will not make you "ugly". it will make you yourself, and that's inherently beautiful