HE'S WEARING THE RANCH MERCH.

Police: you are being arrested for reckless driving and having three people tied on to the top of a car.

Klaus: god damn it

Klaus:

Klaus: wait, three?

Police:…yes, three?

Five: oh my god, oh fuck

Diego: beN FUCKING FELL OFF

Rewriting tua: Diego is there in time to get eudora's call, the two of them rescue klaus together?

Everyone actually notices Klaus is gone

At least half of them apologise for not noticing Klaus was gone/ failing to rescue him

Klaus shares what actually happened to him

Klaus gets to beat a MF up at least once

Luther and Allison are BEST FRIENDS ONLY

We get an entire fun episode from Claires pov as a chill intermission without angst

Similarly we get an entire episode from Ben’s pov and it’s revealed that in between helping Klaus he just dicks around in the afterlife

Vanya is gay/bi/pan

Five stays in his old man suit from the 1st episode the whole time

Eudora joins the team instead of dying

Dave joins the team instead of dying

At the very end of the season in the after credits scene at the very very end Delores talks out loud to everyone and what she says is “fuck”. It’s never mentioned or brought up again

Ahem McDonald’s five au pls?

goddamn it’s been forever but i can’t stop won’t stop so you’RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT MY MICKEY D’S FIVE AU LET’S GO

so. the legal age you have to be to work at mcdonalds is? 14 years old according to google, but it may vary depending on the place. aidan is 16, five passes for 16 even though he’s 13 ok

there is absolutely no way he would actually let them say he’s 13 he’d be like “ugh at least make it 14 damn” even though,,, his birthday is in like,,, less than a year,, ok i realize that isn’t how ageing works but cut me some slack

POINT IS he passes for 14 ok. DOUBLE POINT is that he would wait until he’s legally 14 anyway so idk it works alright

but!! so !! plot time! this is the part i’m bad at but bear with me i’m onto something i swear

five is pissy bc he doesn’t really have anything to do. he takes school online bc he’s way above middleschool obviously, and like?? he moves fast with those classes too bc hes a genius like he knows big brain things yk

so anyway somebody (klaus) jokingly suggests “oh well maybe if youre bored you should get a job or smth it’s not like extra money can hurt anybody ever”

five’s thought process is like

if i get a job i earn money

if i earn money i can spend money how i want and not need to drag my idiot siblings along with me constantly

i GUESS it would be good to have job experience or something whatever

lets be real folks

nobody except for fucking mcdonalds would accept this garbage racoon child celebrity looking 14 year old asshole. i know im exaggerating and there are 100% other places that would employ this walking shitshow but my point stands

klaus and ben chanting: mc donalds! mc don alds! mc donaaaaaalds

five: ffffffffffffiNE

mc donalds it is

also yeah i know its not 2 words but this is my au and besides how can you prove it isnt 2 words in the tua universe?? you cant, check and mate

anyway

five marches his 14yo ass up to mcdonalds like “hire me” and they all just,, they look at this kid,, coming in in schoolboy shorts looking like a prep straight off the school website,, and they hire him instantly.

idk ive never worked at mcdonalds but lets say that there are mainly older teenagers there so like college/highschool students and five comes in on his first day in his too big uniform with a frown and messy hair, his older brother is waving at him from outside and they just “omg little sibling”

five is a prickly asshole! you know this! but they dont!! so they try to approach him and make him feel welcome and he just straight up hisses at them

woah there five thats not how you do social interaction

better luck next time?

anyway this isn’t actually the point of the au the point is five works at mcdonalds and the others take advantage of this always

klaus walks into mcdonalds and hes barely wearing a shirt, ben is trailing after him and the two walk up to where five is manning the cash register, klaus leans over and ruffles his hair, five rolls his eyes but doesn’t maim him immediately?

all of the other workers are like o.o

klaus, in the snarkiest fucking voice, asks five what he would recommend

“this is a mcdonalds”

‘yeah i know that what should i get’

“get a fucking smoothie i know you’re not gonna drink anyway and get out”

ben from behind: actually i wanted chicken nuggets–

“shut up ben you can’t even eat”

ben voice: smh rude

anyway. diego always. always. he fucking comes in decked out in his bondage gear and he walks up to the register completely deadpan but only when it’s five’s shift, and he stares deep into five’s eyes and orders

“one kid’s meal”

five stares back completely emotionless as he rings him up and says “anything else”

“no just the kids meal”

“do you want apple slices with that”

“yeah”

and then he gets the meal and just. gives it back to five. and he gives him the biggest shit-eating grin and tells him to enjoy his lunch and powerwalks out of there before five can get charged for murder

that only works once though bc next time five is READY but so is diego so he continuously orders frappes or whatever the fuck mcdonalds sells

i havent actually been inside a mcdonalds for months i can’t remember what the sell

oh wait lmao frappes are starbucks mcdonalds has uhh mcflurries???

is that what they’re called? mc flurries? what kind of fucking name is that akjdhfksd

ANYWAY THEY ALL BULLY FIVE AT MCDONALDS

allison walking in like “one fish fillet please :)” and everybody whispering bc ohmygod samantha look its ALLISON HARGREEVES what is she doing in our mcdonalds OHMYGOD–!!! and she just keeps smiling as five hands her the sandwich and she walks out, but walks back in seconds later

‘oh by the way luther’s picking you up today’

“i can walk”

‘no you can’t you have baby legs, i’ll see you when your shift is over bye!’

*five’s teeth creaking as he grins his jaw noises* “bye”

anywho

this au pleases me immensely ok

like

you don’t even know how much joy i have from picturing dead-eyed five in a mcdonalds uniform selling a doughnut

somebody keep this gremlin away from their coffee machines though. he learns to use them immediately and gets coffee constantly. they cant even call him out on it bc he pays everytime

well almost everytime but you know its whatever they’re all soft for their adolescent coworker anyway

ok this is where my brain goes bloop but i’ve began a shitty art for this au so like if i ever finish that i’ll put a link here ripppp

YEAH THAT’S IT aren’t you glad i exist because without me you wouldn’t have a mcdonalds five au, YOU’RE WELCOME

The only reason we think Diego has common sense is because he spends most of his screen time talking to either Klaus or Luther.

The one episode he was in with competent people, he threw himself through an unlocked door.

Diego has terminal dumb-ass

TUA s2 Theories pt. 3

Now more personal headcannons that aren’t based on comic/Netflix knowledge but I want them to happen anyway

The actions the Academy make in the past will cause a change in the future timeline. Maybe we’ll see the group with cellphones. I am here for a tua group chat. And then the off-brand “evens” group chat and “sisters” group chat.

Delores will come back.

At least one character will meet their birth mother.

Dave didn’t die. But more likely, they will meet him again in Texas BEFORE he technically met Klaus. Or Klaus will use the excuse of being in the past to look for Dave. (Vietnam war 1968—>JFK 1963)

The Academy will Groundhog Day the Apocalypse day until it works.

Kenny’s mom is in the commission. Or maybe even one of the 43 children.

The handler is not dead because she is one of the 43.

We will meet someone higher up in the commission.

Hazel and Cha Cha backstory

Bens power is not just to summon an octopus creature out of his chest. It’s to make a portal in his chest. So he would be able to summon other creatures as well (not just king Cthulhu or whatever). So we can see Ben summoning fairies, jackalopes, inter-dimensional kitty cats, giant dragon wings, etc. Maybe he has alternate dimension powers, similar to Five’s time and space manipulation.

Allison will be REDEEMED. She is a fantastic character and great mediator. Despite her past mistakes, she will be a vital part to the communication and relationships between the team.

Maybe coming back to life isn’t just Klaus’ thing due to his powers. Maybe all of the Academy have trouble dying (rip ben). Allison realistically should not have survived Vanyas attack. Luther shouldn’t have survived his accident.

Grace will come back. Diego will see her and MELT. She will also FINALLY finish her convo with Diego and tell him what she was going to before time reversed the first time.

Vanya will NOT be mad at her siblings she’ll just feel bad about what she did.

The siblings will find out that Allison rumored them in the past too.

The commission will un-monkey Luther.

There will be more communication between the siblings.

Hargreeves used the Academy to commit crimes for his personal benefit without them knowing.

Five does NOT get a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Allison will become a SINGLE MOM (with an appearance from Claire and maybe Patrick). She might get a new boyfriend in the past.

Ben will stay single.

Diego will get with somebody (Eudora or not).

The girl on the bus that smiled at vanya will come back. Maybe a new love interest to make Vanya rightfully into girls???

it’s almost 2 AM but i just had to-

Comic Five is a deranged little demon and I love that for him

Js how can kids turn out perfectly functional when they were born to fight. Reggie is a psycho that ruined all of the academy’s relationships with the outside world. Just because Luther was his favorite doesn’t mean that he was treated how a normal child should be treated. In the comics Luther is obviously depressed and unhappy with himself. Which is no reason to treat other people like shit but to be fair he didn’t kill a bunch of people either. Luther is just a dumdum who is trying to do the right thing but ends up doing the wrong thing. Come on Netflix, we want Luther redemption. Everyone likes to like a character.

not to be controversial but luther was also a victim of hargreeves abuse even if you dont like his character

Klaus versus

Ben

Jim from the office and Ben from the umbrella academy are the same person