The Conditions Of Change

The Conditions of Change

When adults seek change, they often focus on the intended result while hurrying through the practice. However, growth requires a bit more than 'just trying something out'. Here are some tips to help bring change upon your life, good luck!

Consistency

Real change, especially as an adult, requires many, many repetitions of a behavior or movement or position. 'Trying hard' is usually counterproductive as it tenses the muscles and the emotions. It is necessary to let the exercise or method work without undue ego participation over time. The practice has to become, for a time, 'just what one does.'

Willingness

The practices that change long standing blocks will usually seem, when presented to an adult learner, to be too subtle, too corny, not relevant, and mostly downright wrong. One must be willing to really try something different if one is at the point where one's own ideas have failed. Of course, discernment cannot be completely disposed of, but if a learner wants what another person has, they must be willing to do what that person did, however unnecessary or stupid it seems.

Sustainability

So often adult learners hurl themselves into an activity, and neglect other aspects of their lives. Soon they end up dropping the practice and rarely get back to it. A good practice must be one that can be 'what one does' for a good while. Immersion approaches exist, for example a 30 day retreat, but then carryover to one's regular life becomes the issue.

First Things First (Urgent Things Second)

In our over-busy, over-booked lives, if we wait for a 'free moment' to practice something, it invariably never arrives. To have consistency with a new practice it is necessary to make it a priority and see that it gets done first, leaving less important things, even if more urgent, to 'scroll off the screen'

The Plateau is Where the Work Starts

All people have latent abilities that come online easily and quickly when they start a practice (often called newbie or 'noob' gains). But once the latent abilities are developed and the participant is working to develop brand new capacities, the going is much much slower. This is where the large majority quit, discouraged, but this is where the work really is beginning.

Anticipate Anxiety

Real change even in small amounts will cause anxiety, which can be insidious and hard to attribute to the new practice. In an uncanny way, impulses to start something incompatible with the new practice, or new worries, confusion, or minor injuries will threaten to derail the change process. Barring gross demonstrable harm, the need is to 'stay the course!'

Don't Look to Validation or Approval

If another person is the reason to do something, in a moment they can become the reason not to. When a practice is undertaken to please someone (and yes this can be unconscious or semi-conscious) there are two big barriers: 1) effort gets substituted for the fruits of the practice, and the practice gets or stays sloppy because even sloppy practice shows effort, and 2) the instinct for autonomy (buried itself in some measure in the unconscious) will cause resistance

Frequent self-measurement is unhelpful

When one has undergone real change others will point it out, don't worry. Trying to get one's inner judge to validate oneself takes attention off the practice, apart from any concern that self-measurement will not be accurate.

The Placebo Effect is Not the Effect

Whenever one takes on a new promising practice there is going to be an immediate sense of elation. There is nothing wrong with enjoying this, but know that 1) it wears out in two to six weeks, 2) the real beneficial effect of the practice will be much more subtle at first then this elation, and take months or years to manifest. Many believe that when the elation stops, it means the practice has stopped working.

Understand the Difference Between Almost Nothing Happening and Actually Nothing Happening

When a ten-year-old wakes up in the morning no one notices a change in size from the night before, but actually there is, and over the course of years, that becomes very apparent. Real growth is like that, in that, almost nothing is happening. But with any practice, participants may worry that they are following a dead end. While some discernment and critical thinking may be needed in selecting a practice, once started attention should be focused on the actually practice, with some faith that results will come.

Work With Others

When working alone, long-standing defensive patterns can undermine the intended practice or even turn it into its opposite. Not that any growth practice is like an Olympic sport calling for perfect performance--one is simply seeking to stay in the 'stretch zone' or 'edge'. Other people, either peers or coaches can help with that by supplying explicit or implicit feedback. Not because they are know everything, but because they have gone or are going down the same path, and are more objective about you ('a different set of eyes').

Find Where You Are and Work From There

Don't try to work from where you want to be, that will be slower not quicker. This is about acceptance, a prerequisite for change

The Tightrope is an Illusion

When in new experiential territory, it can seem that the practice being encouraged will either quickly fall into a pitfall at one end, or into the opposite pitfall. There is no happy middle envisionable. This is just a lack of experience. For an experienced aerialist, the rope has come to appear like a sidewalk.

Don't Get Stuck in Inspiration

Inspiration, such as from most self-improvement materials and forums provides temporary elation by itself and therefore can become a habit. But nothing changes from inspiration. Slightly more important is turning inspiration into intention, definitely more important is turning intention into action, and absolutely more important is turning action into consistency.

There is No Such Thing as 'Ready'

Change is made by starting to work where you are with the tools at hand. In time, other tools will come to hand. The feeling of 'ready' does happen in life, but it has to do with situations already mastered. Also where aggression, anger, or desire is mobilized, the feeling of ready is not relevant.

Change is More About Unlearning than Learning

Here is what often happens: a man or woman wants to change a pattern so they focus directly on it and have initial success doing something different. Then they focus on other things, thinking the change is in the bag. The unwanted pattern comes back! The learner despairs that they cannot learn. Actually, the unwanted pattern was never gone (yet) it was just suppressed. It takes a longish trail of resuppression and practicing new habits until new practices become dominant.

Don't Make Effort the Focus

Many adolescent and adult learners have grown up in invalidating, emotionally treacherous environments where they could never be sure that their choices and criticisms wouldn't be attacked. This can lead to a over-emphasis of effort as a universally defensible good--remember the saying "You can't blame a guy for trying." But effort, increases arousal and tightens muscles, and strongly undermines some areas of change like breathing, relaxation, meditation, flexibility, and social skills. Of course with 'zero effort' nothing will change but effort should not be the focus.

Make Distractions and Irritants Part of the Practice

Everyone has had an experience of finding a quiet place, preparing to meditate or stretch, and BAM!, a loud sound like a leaf lower erupts. Or for nice guys they might have guilt at doing something 'selfish'. There is a temptation to wait to a better time, which often becomes never. Our ego fears we will do something badly! But the truth is, anything that cultivates growth will be done, at best, badly (really just imperfectly). Doing something even less perfectly is just as good, or greater an opportunity for self awareness as doing something just imperfectly. Awareness, attention, and mindfulness is increased.

The Rubber Band Effect

When we push against a homeostatic system, even one with a unhappy 'set-point', the system pushes back. To succeed, of course consistency and perseverance is necessary, but on occasion, several interventions need to be brought to bear simultaneously to reach a threshhold where the homeostatic set point is 'flipped', or reset.

How to ask a provider for money and gifts: feminine tips

this advice is only applicable for provider men and provider men only

your 25 year old boyfriend who’s fresh out of college with a student debt on his back will probably not do these for you

your crush earning 10$ per hour working as a cashier will also not be the correct target for these

this advice works on

1. men who really, really, REAALLLY like you and want to impress you because they view you as the prize

2. men who have the means to spend on you

first tip on asking men for money is this:

men are your mirror,

they will mirror back the energy you give off

so if you come to a man all nervous with shifty eyes, hands clasped tightly together saying “oh i don’t know if this is asking too much but i would really like it if you got me xyz” 👉🏽👈🏽

this is a huge ick for a provider man

and he will mirror that energy right back, if you’re not confident asking for money he doesn’t feel good giving it to you

imagine you’re at a job and want to ask for a raise, will you say

“hey guys, not sure if we have the budget for this but it would be really great if i can get a 10% increase” 👉🏽👈🏽

that’s not the energy that you bring when asking for money,

you have to be confident, straightforward, and ask for money as if it’s the most natural thing, as if you’re asking a waiter for water at a restaurant

here’s a few examples

“babe i’td make me so happy if you bought me these shoes”==> straightforward, you are talking bout your feelings and how HIS action would directly impact your happiness

“i’d love to wear this dress for you, do you think you can get it for me” ==> you’re making this about him, you want to wear the dress FOR him, you want to represent him well and show off how good he treats you, this is an immediate ego boost for the man,

+ asking “do you think you can get it for me” is only appropriate if you are in the early dating stage, this is being polite and not entitled but also slightly condescending because you’re questioning if he can do it/afford it, masculine men will want to prove it to you, but as you get comfortable in the relationship you should ask using the method in the first example

remember, provider men WANT to spend money on you, it makes them feel good, masculine and capable, the only thing they expect back from you is a smile and feminine gratitude,

“your receiving is your giving!”, aka men get a kick from taking care of their object of affection

so if you act all shy and victim-y or like you’re apologetic that he has to spend money on you, it’s a turn off for him and makes the spending not fun !

gratitude should look like this:

“thank you baby, i love how much you spoil me and take care of me”

“i love how you show me you love me”

this makes the man equate spending on you to an act and display of love!

“ you know me so well, you always pick exactly the thing that i want” = praising his attention to details and his dedication to pleasing you

“you’re the only man/ the only one who can do xyz”

men looove when you place them above other men, telling him he’s the only one who can do certain things for you really gets into their head, use this one carefully you don’t want him thinking that he’s the first man that spent money on you or treats you right, you strategically use this one for exceptional occasions. finally,

how to act when a man doesn’t want to spend on you

never get mad, angry or entitled,

that man just showed you his true colors and his intentions with you, in true “Elle Woods” fashion, tell him with the sweetest most innocent voice you can muster

“oh i’m sorry i didn’t know you were in a financial difficulty”

this line works like a charm to repel broke men, and to offend stingy men with money,

if you have the means and you’re not spending then that equals to broke 😉

my ask is open if you have questions on this specific topic ✨

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sayobeth

2 years ago

How do you plan events that you host?

Shila’s Guide to Hosting

I firmly believe that skills in hostessing and event planning are some of the most useful one could possibly gain; when you are trying to make and maintain connections, the best way to do so, unquestionably, is through hospitality. The most popular people at your high school likely threw the very best parties, and that sentiment, although somewhat changed in superficial presentation, does carry on throughout life. Almost all of my knowledge in this regard comes from my grandmother, a legendary hostess and very patient teacher, and I’ve been hosting my own little events right from my very first childhood tea party. When I was at boarding school, I loved hosting little gatherings with all my friends and I fully expect to do exactly the same all over again at university; presently, a very sizeable portion of my role in running the house is organising and hosting a great deal of the events that we’re constantly holding here, and so by now I’d consider myself a dab hand at the job. I have folders upon folders of resources and plans for such events but I’ll do you all a favour and offer up a few basic tips rather than the whole megilah; in any case, you only really need to learn the fundamentals before you’re already off to a flying start!

Written invitations, always

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of sending out last minute invitations by telephone rather than post, but for all but the most spontaneous gatherings, a hand-written invitation is the way. It sets everything off in the right direction, it’s appreciated by all, and it’s just such a personal touch and one that can be as formal or as casual as you like, from embossed cream cardstock send by post, to a quick, scrappy little note popped into your friend’s pigeon hole. I love receiving invitations, I put them out on my chimneypiece so that I can’t possibly forget to go, and I always hear from friends and relatives alike that it’s such a delight to receive a hand-written invite, it just makes the whole affair seem so much more special and sparkling. Do make sure to write the time and date clearly on the invitation, even for the most casual get-togethers, and for anything more than a supper between friends, then the dress code, too. For large, open-house events such as a summer fayre, it’s not necessary to send out invitations, but it can be a lovely touch to post little notes through the doors of the local neighbourhood inviting them to attend if they so wish; this is what I did for our Coronation garden party, and I’ve already received too many compliments to count from my neighbours around the village!

Understand your event & your guests, plan accordingly

Not every single event can, should, or need be a Great Gatsby-style extravaganza. Before you even begin planning your event, you must know exactly what it is you have in mind, and (even more importantly) what it is others will be expecting. Planning for a bar mitzvah, for example, is entirely different from a hen night, just as a shooting weekend requires entirely different preparations from a book launch party—the only common denominator being the certainty that mixing up the vibes will not result in many thank-you notes or returning guests. The most successful parties are those which have a veneer of fun and spontaneity atop a firm foundation of utmost military precision, so do ensure that you’ve planned out all the logistics, from giving your guests directions to the event’s location and having someone on hand to answer calls from the lost, to choosing exactly the right rooms to host the function and blocking off any unnecessary doors and verandas. It’s also crucial to know exactly who is invited, who is likely to cause trouble (hopefully nobody, but you can never be too sure!) and whether there are any present rifts between guests, any specific needs or accomodations people may have, and preparing for it all in advance. I learnt this lesson extremely early on in childhood, when I was often obligated to play with children who were rather boisterous and would break my toys—I learnt very quickly to lock away my most precious things, keep the door to my bedroom firmly closed, and subtly direct all the fun and games out into the gardens. Your decidedly more adult guests might not be at risk of beheading your Barbie dolls, but it pays to be prepared and hand the sturdier glasses to the more butter-fingered attendants, or prepare a bed in advance for the guest who you just know will inevitably end up staying over.

Enlist help if needed

Planning events is exhausting enough, but hosting them unaided is a labour too great for even Hercules himself. There is, in the eyes of most guests, nothing worse than a party wherein the host is frazzled, bedraggled, and constantly running to and from the kitchen with half-cold dishes; these people have attended your event not for the sake of dressing up and making small talk, but rather to see you, to catch up with you, and if you spend the entire time harangued and hardly visible then no matter how good the food or excellent the entertainment, the evening will ultimately never end up a success. If you already have staff to take that burden from your shoulders, then all the better, but if you do not, then it can be extremely worthwhile to enlist a trusted teenager or younger sibling to take guests’ coats and do the washing-up, it makes such an enormous difference and allows you as the hostess to enjoy the party, too. I’ve helped out many a friend and relative with all kinds of tasks at their events, it comes down to all the little things and even the very best host would find it quite impossible to stay on top of everything without help.

Play matchmaker

Perhaps the most crucial aspect of event planning is deciding on the guest list. People-lover that I am, this is one of my very favourite things to do and I just adore battling it out as to who ought come, who will mix well with whom, and finally drawing up the perfect list. A deep understanding of your friends and acquaintances, as well as of human psychology, is utterly necessary for this and you must be quite ruthless in cases. Keep religion and politics in mind as well as character when it comes to picking your guests, especially for more intimate gatherings; there’s nothing worse than ending up with a huge argument over topical matters at a dinner which was intended to be calm and subdued. Equally, though, it’s rather fine to keep things interesting, and, so long as you’re quite certain of the graciousness of your guests, to invite those with somewhat opposing tastes and views can result in marvellous and good-natured debate. People attend all but the most close-knit get-togethers with the intention of meeting new and interesting individuals, and it’s your responsibility, as hostess, to provide such opportunity. It can be helpful to keep an old-fashioned ‘hostess book’; a little notebook with spaces for menu planning, drafting up seating arrangements and table decorations, and keeping notes about guests’ professions, interests, and dietary requirements. I have a lovely little book from Cabana Magazine which was, somewhat ironically, gifted to me by a wonderful guest—but there are many different options available, although perhaps not as wide a choice as there once was.

Menu planning

Ah, menu planning! It can be such a minefield, especially when it comes to pairings and taking preferences into account. When preparing for an event, I consider menu planning to encompass three separate parts: the food itself, the drinks, and the table setting and decoration. Long gone are the days of seven full courses, and so your task as hostess is made a little easier, but it can still be a little tricky to figure out whether to serve two or three courses at a luncheon, say, or both cheese and pudding for dinner. I have a whole lifetime’s worth of tricks up my sleeve when it comes to feeding guests (that’s what having a Jewish mother does to you, I suppose!) but a basic rule of thumb is to keep the number of courses as minimal as possible, but for the courses themselves to be substantial. Little tiny Michelin-style portions rarely go down well at a private function unless they are canapés; equally, whilst introducing guests to new cultural dishes may be fun for all, I would advise against serving anything potentially objectionable in your home culture (in England, for example, many guests are likely to object to the serving of foie gras, or meat/fish dishes with head still intact) as well as very hot and spicy dishes, especially if young or elderly guests are present. Drinks are a little easier; for evening events, I tend to select one or two pre-dinner drinks—usually a shot of a good liquor, and then a cocktail that’s possible to make up as a batch and serve from a punch bowl—and then all there is to do is pair the food and the wine. It’s quite crucial that you don’t forget to include non-alcoholic options, for even if you are quite sure that none of your guests are tee-total, they may well be intent on driving themselves back home, presently taking antibiotics or other medicines which don’t play well with alcohol, or simply wishing to cut back a little on their drinking, and it’s entirely unfair to expect them to put up with a half-flat bottle of Coca-Cola, or, worse, tap water, when you’ve bought a lovely selection of alcoholic drinks for the rest of the guests to enjoy. Table setting is perhaps the simplest part of all, I would suggest doing as I do and keeping a little album of table settings and decorations that you like, so that you always have something in mind.

Don’t be embarrassed by the little things

So many people, young women especially, say to me that they’re quite afraid of hosting any kind of gathering out of embarrassment; and not embarrassment in their lack of experience, but rather in their lack of proper dinnerware. I say to you now that you really, really oughtn’t worry! I think that a lot of people gain the impression that having the right sort of cutlery and napkins is of paramount importance when it comes to hostessing properly, as etiquette manuals are positively overflowing with rules and regulations about which fork to use when and how to set a table correctly, but in practice, it really doesn’t make the slightest difference to a good party. I once held a lovely little get-together in my room when I was at school, it was a scorching hot day and one of the girls had brought a tub of ice-cream, but I hadn’t any bowls to serve it from—and so we simply ate scoops of ice-cream out of teacups, and it wasn’t a problem in the slightest; in fact, it was such a hoot to do so, and some of the girls still laugh about that day. All you really need is enough things to drink from and enough things to eat from for all of your guests, and that’s quite enough for all but the most stiff and formal events; I personally find mismatched crockery very charming indeed, and it’s become quite fashionable as of late to have an assortment of bits and pieces rather than a full matching set. In the same vein, I really shouldn’t be embarrassed by other such trivial matters as an outdated kitchen (heaven knows our kitchen at home is about 300 years out of date!), your guests have come to see you and they wish to see you happy, confident, and relaxed—not fretting!

Rest up well beforehand

I don’t know about you, but I do know that I suffer terribly from fatigue and that planning events can really knock the wind out of my sails if I’m not careful! The perfect hostess must be sparkling throughout the course of the party, and I know that I certainly can’t sparkle if I’m not well-rested. I’m extremely lucky in that I have many people behind me to help prepare everything on the day, but I still like to try and ready as much as I possibly can in advance, so that on the day of the event, I can rest easy and take a good long nap before it’s time to throw on my party dress. Even if you’re not quite so pathetic as I am, I’d still suggest taking it easy on the day of the event itself, so that you can conserve all your strength for energetically directing proceedings later; you don’t want to look tired in any way, or find yourself unable to keep on top of things as the evening drags on.

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sayobeth

2 years ago

self care princess 🎀🧁