ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (2019)

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My wife's favorite sleep noise app is the kind that lets you mix different noises, one of which is a snoring shih tzu, and she loves to create soundscapes that imply the dog is in imminent danger

a recent comm for @chronologically-challenged !

finally a little respite after everything

(the box shakes mysteriously, in, like, a cool and masculine way...)

(something in this box loves it when things go ding ding...)

(but nearby ramen is beckoning you, so you leave the box alone.)

character misses their shot and the villain goes "ha! you missed." and the main character goes "did i?" and then shoots the villain again while they're frantically looking around the room for what the hero could possibly have aiming for instead

Work vacuum died. This is the fifth one since I started working here five years ago.

The first one died because my coworker vacuumed up rocks.

The second one died because my coworker vacuumed up rocks.

The third one died because my coworker vacuumed up rocks.

The fourth one died for unknown reasons that involved my coworker vacuuming up rocks.

The fifth one died a few minutes ago and it was a big mystery and my coworker was like “oh I don’t know what happened it just overtaxed for some reason” so I looked inside the hose and—get this—it was jammed with rocks.

He keeps buying bigger and more expensive vacuums and complaining about how shitty and faulty the last ones were and every time I suggest something like “what if you didn’t vacuum up rocks” he’s like oh no it is the vacuums who are wrong.

You aren't cool enough to summon a sexy demon

Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. TUMBLR RULE. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

For no reason here is a library story