Nikolai Doing Some Circus Tricks!!

Hes just out of his mind in love with you!

𝑴𝑨𝑵𝑰𝑨 — obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive

RECEIVERS。stalker!nikolai gogol x fem!reader

WISHCARD。He remembered that night was an absolute hell. He was always so close to you, and yet you were still too far to reach. He did not want to spook you. He hated this. He hated this desire towards you—but goodness, how blissful was it. 

BOUQUET。n.sfw 18+ dark content, stalker!au, stalking, murder and corpse, male masturbation, light angst, obsessive and possessive behaviour, voice fetish(?), cheating, nikolai's pov, the fic is set way before the events in all stalker!au, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT

PRICE。approx. 4,3k

FREEGIFT。scary love (the neighbourhood), i wanna feel you coise (AIYLOM)

MAIN MENU。FOUR SHADES OF PINK

February is almost ending. 

Nikolai is anxious. He still hasn't thought of giving you a gift. Sure, you do not know him and never see him for who he truly is outside his ringmaster persona—but he already knows you. He knows you too fucking well. 

Ever since he started to stalk you, he wishes Valentine's Day was never a thing. One of his biggest fears is seeing you being happy and all romantic with another person who is not him. Nikolai hates that just seeing you smile towards your friend makes him all jealous inside. His feelings are eating him up and he cannot just look away even if that's the most merciful thing he could do to himself. 

February 14, hidden in one of the many rooms in your house, Nikolai had to endure witnessing you and your girlfriend kissing and making out on the couch. He saw her hands touching every crook of your skin, spots he had yet to touch. 

He could have just left the house and pretended nothing was happening between you and her. But God—your voice—even if those sweet noises were for somebody else, Nikolai was content enough to imagine that you were purposely being loud enough for him to hear. 

Perhaps that was it! Perhaps you knew he was hidden in the storage room with the door slightly ajar and you moaned and whined loudly for his ears. You were probably climaxing because you were thinking of him, because you knew he was watching. 

Oh, sweetheart! You truly are one!

But drown himself all he wanted in his fantasy, deep down, Nikolai knew you were too in love with that girl. Hell, you still did not know about Nikolai's existence other than his career as a ringmaster. You still have not noticed him around the house, watching you from outside. 

I’m fucking jealous now. 

His cock grew harder when your voice was getting higher. You were panting your girlfriend's name as she rammed her fingers into your cunt, teasing your sweet spot. The squelching noises of kissing and your pussy is luring his own hand to touch himself. Without realizing it, he is already palming himself while his eyes are focused on you and your body through the small gap between the door.

Nikolai thought hours passed but it was just ten minutes before you were cuddling with your girlfriend. His heart burnt and he was overwhelmed with the need to barge out from his hiding and take you away. But he can't do that now. You were enjoying your moment and he did not want to ruin your smile. 

Nikolai made his way out of your house just as quiet as he sneaked in. In his car, driving away, the image of you under someone else's touches was attacking him nonstop. He wanted to pry his head with a knife, hoping he could gut out that image forever. 

But you are already carved inside him. 

His apartment had never felt as empty as ever. Usually on February 14, he can get some people to come and stay the night, hooking up with them. However, ever since he laid his eyes on you, the thought of getting intimate was just towards no one but you. 

Nikolai tried to sleep off his desires but your voices, moans, gasps, gestures, faces—they were all fucking swarming his head. And he stared at the ceiling for hours till the clock struck twelve, indicating the end of Valentine's Day, he still saw you. 

He remembered that night was an absolute hell. He was always so close to you, and yet you were still too far to reach. He did not want to spook you. He hated this. He hated this desire towards you—but goodness, how blissful was it. 

His Valentine's night was just filled with staring and scrolling through the pictures he had taken of you while finishing almost a big bottle of whiskey by himself. Nikolai does have a strong tolerance towards alcohol, but he does have his limits. He collapsed onto his lonely bed with a picture of you on his phone screen. And his room had never felt so cold. 

February 17, was the day he decided to drive your current girlfriend away. No, he cannot let anyone touch you again. He was done suffering. Thus, after he ended his performance that night, he spent the rest of the day trying to find out about your girlfriend. It was easy—Nikolai does have a lot of experience doing this kind of cybercrime after all.

He tracked her down, like any maniac would. He forged his identity to get closer to her, pretending to be a guy who was interested in a relationship. She was a very friendly one. He found out a lot of things—she was a regular in a nightclub that is just so close to your house. 

But her reactions towards his advances made him just a little suspicious—was she really your girlfriend or just another person you hooked up with? 

If she was a cheater, then that's more horrible. 

See, darling? You can't trust these people. I'm the one you need. 

Ten days of talking and luring a woman into his trap, on February 27, he finally meets the very lady who had touched you a little too much. Nikolai introduces himself as Akaky, a name he had used for countless schemes. 

“So, you're really single?” Nikolai asks her as he pays for her drink. She nods as she sips her margarita. Nikolai tilts his head, noticing a red and yellow ring on her finger. He knows that ring. It is one of the affordable merchandise from his circus. 

You gave her that ring, darling? How sweet. I wish you would give me the same ring once we are together. 

“I like your ring,” Nikolai says again and she smiles. 

“Yeah? My girl— uhh, friend— My friend bought it.” She replies, twirling it. “It's cute but… Well, I'm being honest with you here. It looks… cheap, isn't it?” She says with a snort before she takes the ring off. 

“Well, it looks like it's made from metal, it seems. Plated with some colours.” Nikolai says. She looks at him in awe and nods slowly. She smirks, nudging his leg with her foot—a flirty gesture. 

“You know a thing or two about jewellery?” 

The ring merchandise is Erika’s idea…

“I am a collector, remember?” Nikolai says confidently. “I have collected a lot of things for ten years now, so… it’s pretty easy to figure out which is what.” He continues, receiving a small ‘Wow’ from her. She then looks at the ring before she offers it to him. 

“You can take it as a… collection.” She grins. Nikolai smiles back but he felt bittersweet about it somewhat. He knows you gave this to her—probably as a romantic gesture—because he knows you love his circus and its elements enough to collect merchandise. But seeing how easy your gift is being given away like this makes him feel a little sympathetic.

“You sure? Your friend doesn't mind?” Nikolai asks as he takes the ring. It is smaller and certainly he could not fit it in his ring finger. So he tries to slip it onto his pinky finger. A little tight, but it can still be taken off. 

Ah, this ring used to be yours. 

His heart jumps when he realizes how close you are to him now. This ring used to be in your possession… and now he is wearing it. Your touch, your fingertips, your trace—they were on this ring. And they are now on his skin.

You’re so close to me. You're too close to me, love.

His lips threatened to curl up. 

“You like it?” 

Nikolai almost forgets the lady beside him. He turns to her and then he feels a poke on his cheek. She is smiling—almost seductively. “You’re blushing,” She chuckles. “You’re really a cute guy. Do you like me that much?” 

This ring was yours. This ring was yours. This ring was yours. This ring was yours. This ring was yours. This ring was yours.

“Perhaps.” He smirks back. “You’re a tease, aren't you?” Nikolai's voice comes out just as lustrous. He props his head on his hand as he scans her up and down. The lady’s hand touches more of his face, caressing and tugging his cheek. 

“You wanna touch more of me?” He asks and her eyes glimmer in excitement. Nikolai leans closer, bringing his hand to her thigh as he gently caresses her skin. “I know a place.” He whispers. She chuckles before she clung her arms around his neck. Nikolai placed his hand on her waist, pulling her close. 

“You wanna go?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good. I’ll make sure you're screaming tonight.” 

— ♤

Guilt is slowly planting its seed. 

Nikolai glances at the bed. She is lying down on it, only in her underwear. Her mouth is covered with a napkin but her body is lifeless. A knife is plunged into her chest and blood is painting the whole sheet flamboyant red. 

He sighs before he sits on the bed, just beside the corpse. He does not mind the mess. This is his campervan anyway. He drove the van out from his circus, as he did not want to bring his newest victim to his place of work. 

Lighting up a cigarette, Nikolai takes a long inhale of it. His body is covered with a sheen layer of sweat and splatters of blood. He is still in his briefs, as they were just making out until he unleashed a knife and stabbed her in the chest. 

She screamed out loud before he muffled her mouth with her top, subduing the noise. Her fingers clawed at him as he twisted the knife deeper and wilder in her flesh until she slowly stopped moving. 

Nikolai stares at the dead body, already desensitised to this kind of sight. But still, a sense of guilt is already growing in his heart— because he murdered again. 

Nikolai reaches for her handbag, seeking any things that could be useful for him. He opens her purse, takes her cash and throws it onto his working desk. He then takes her phone only to find it locked with a fingerprint ID. So Nikolai holds her thumb on the sensor, unlocking the device. 

He immediately sees several messages from you from the notification board. His heart beats fast, just seeing your name. He clicks on the app, and immediately, he sees you are already online and typing. 

mine xxx [11:23 p.m.] : [7 missed calls] 

mine xxx [11:24 p.m.] : Mia, please answer my call

mine xxx [2:12 a.m.] : I don't know why you're ghosting me like this. Please, let's just talk. 

mine xxx [2:13 a.m.] : Did I do something wrong? 

mine xxx [2:13 a.m.] : I’m sorry if I do anything hurtful to you. I still love you. I promise.

Nikolai frowns. He does not want to come to a conclusion early. But this seems not right. So he looks to other contacts, seeing Mia’s—this woman he killed—interactions with others. 

Me [8:17 p.m.] : I already did the dare, didnt i? Gimme a break now

Jake [8:18 p.m.] : Nooo you need to keep it until the end of February!! 

olivia <3 [8:18 p.m.] : thats what u get loser bitch xx

Me [8:19 p.m.] : Stfu 

olivia <3 [8:19 p.m.] : aww don't be mad bae. are u comin' tonight? i can pick u up

Jake [8:20 p.m.] : Please bring your girlfriend too :p

Me [8:20 p.m.] : Not coming! I have a new date tonight xx

olivia <3 [8:20 p.m.] : u cheatin on ur girl???

Me [8:21 p.m.] : Sorta. Its not really cheating if I dont fuck him right?

olivia <3 [8:21 p.m.] : what if ur gf knows? 

Me [8:22 p.m.] : She wont. Besides, shes not really my girlfriend, isnt she?

Me [8:22 p.m.] : Its fine, i’ll break up with her later

Jake [8:22 p.m.] : You should send her to us or something 

olivia <3 [8:23 p.m.] : are we passing girls rn? 

Jake [8:23 p.m.] : Nah. I just need to get my dick wet sometimes

olivia <3 [8:23 p.m.] : 3some?

Jake [8:23 p.m.] : Only if Mia’s girl want

Me [8:24 p.m.] : Stfu horny sickos. She will be yours after i break up with her alright

Me [8:24 p.m.] : I need to get ready. Bye <3

Nikolai sighs. As he expected, this relationship of yours was just another one-sided game. He deletes the messages and leaves the group chat out of spite. It kind of hurts him to see your name is being brought up for bad reasons. He wonders if these failed relationships you are having would have a longer effect on you. 

What if you start to expect the worst whenever you catch feelings? What if you would rather be alone, yearning for a good relationship, instead of trying to pursue one? What if you feel more insecure? 

Nikolai feels bad for you. 

Bad relationships surely would force your brain to work differently. An emotion is not being satisfied. As much as he is aware of how bad of a person he is, he wants to create a healthy relationship with you.

He already planned for it—Nikolai would approach you as a ringmaster and indulge your interests in the circus. After all, he loves it when you are flaunting over something that makes you happy and cheerful. The fact that his circus is one of the reasons for that just makes his affection towards you grow deeper. 

And then, after you and him get to know each other normally, maybe he could take you out for dinner and spoil you rotten. You deserve to be treated like a princess after all. 

Nikolai does not plan to tell you about his stalking activity. He does not think he will. Besides, it is not like you are noticing him or anything! You just know him as Gogol and he has all the chance in the world to go through that peaceful route. It is fine if he stays silent about his not-so-good side—you don't have to know!

Nikolai clicks on your contact again, seeing that you are still online. The call button right beside your profile picture is alluring. His thumb hovers over the icon. His heart is beating faster and his chest is heaving up and down. His cock is hardening as he stares at your profile. 

He presses it. 

His hand is shaky as he brings the phone to his ear. His other hand is palming his boner as he hears the dial. He hears a click and finally—fucking finally—he hears your voice. 

“M-Mia! Oh thank God..” 

Nikolai throws his head back as his hand is slipping inside his briefs, taking out his hard cock. Precum is leaking on his tip as he strokes his girth slowly upon hearing your voice. 

You’re talking to me. You're talking to me.. You're talking to me..! 

“Mia, listen..! I’m really sorry if I hurt you or anything, okay? I really am. I don't know why you're ghosting me—” 

A sniffle. 

Nikolai realizes you are probably crying. Ahh, how glad he is to have killed the very person who made your tears drop. He bites his lips, trying to not make a sound as his hand is fisting his cock faster. 

“Sorry.. It's just… Sorry, I’m just… confused… Why do you i-ignore me like that? I am worried. I love you so much—” 

“Haa— F-Fuck…” 

“Who's that?”

Nikolai scrunches his face, biting his lips harder as he realizes he fucked up. That short love confession makes his arousal heighten so much. He is leaking onto his palm, the squelching noise becoming louder as he jerks himself faster. 

“W-What’s that noise? Are you with someone else now? W-Who's this..?”

Nikolai accidentally lets out a small whimper upon hearing your voice again. His hand is gripping the phone tightly, just as tight as how he is jerking his cock right now. His mind wanders—imagining a near future where you are the one lying on this bed, with you between his thighs and your lips around his girth. 

His brain replays that scene where you were fucked by Mia in your house. The way your voice gets louder when she put four fingers inside—Nikolai could not quite see it but he swears he did see a glimpse of your pussy. 

He could only imagine what face would you make when you squirm under him as he tries to fit his big cock into your pussy—you must feel so so so fucking warm and tight. He could see the way your nails are buried on his back and his arms as his hand fondles your pretty tits. Do you have sensitive nipples? Would you whine louder if he sucked on them? Would you caress his head as he marks your mounds? Do you allow him to sleep on them? 

Nikolai moans again as his hips buckle slightly. He says your name in a broken groan as he spills onto his stomach and hand. He looks at his stomach and then the phone, seeing that you have ended the call about two minutes ago. Your picture and basic profile on the chat are also gone, indicating just one thing. 

You blocked her. 

He hastily grabs the tissue from his desk and wipes his cum off his body and hand. Nikolai grumbles to himself as his high is slowly decreasing. 

“Shit.” 

Nikolai realizes he just jerks off beside a fresh corpse. He does not feel creeped out about it but he wishes the ghost of Mia the cheating cheater would not hunt him tonight. 

Nikolai knows he needs to dispose of her and the bed as soon as possible. The blood is already seeping into the mattress and he does not want the trouble to clean them up. He already has a spot in mind to go to hide the evidence—this is not the first time he committed atrocities and truth be told, he does like this challenging side of cleaning up after a murder. 

As he fixes his briefs, he looks at Mia again. Her eyes are still wide. Her body has gone cold and her face is getting paler. He scoots closer and reaches to her eyelids to close them. Nikolai looks at the dead body again and his eyes are fixated on her hand. 

He touches her hand, letting his fingertips trace her cold fingers. He holds it up, staring at her fingers. 

These fingers were once inside you. 

These fingers once touched you. 

His breathing is rapid again as the memory lingers in the back of his mind. Jealousy is burning, igniting a strange desire. Slowly, Nikolai pries open his lips and engulfs her fingers in his mouth, sucking them. 

These were inside you. 

I am touching you. 

—  ♤

Guilt is growing bigger in his heart. 

Nikolai does not know what he expects when he finds you in such a miserable position. 

You are curled up on your bed and your face has traces of dried tears. He is careful enough to tiptoe around your bed while holding a gift box in his arm. Nikolai notices a bottle of pills right on the small table beside your bed. He examines it, only to find out that they are melatonin pills. 

Oh, my dear… 

He puts the bottle back and then he notices the small trash can beside the table. It is full of tissues, but he notices one tiny thing that sparkles out due to its colour. 

It's the ring. 

He purses his lips. You must have thrown it away after whatever assumption you made. He feels slightly hurt as he is wearing the same ring on his pinky right now. How he wishes you would keep it, so he can keep deluding himself into the idea of you two wearing the same ring because you two are connected by fate. 

Nikolai takes the ring from the trash can and with slow steps, he makes his way to the kitchen. The layout of your house is engraved in his head already. You are a worker during the day while he is a worker at night. He can easily get into your house during the day while you are away. 

He washes the ring at the sink and uses the hand soap to make sure it is cleaner. He walks back to the room and Nikolai gets down on one knee right beside you by the bed. 

Will I really do this? 

Nikolai does not want to spook you or scare you. He really doesn't. He wishes to develop his relationship with you healthily and in a good way. Truth is, he does not want you to notice him stalking you around the house. 

If he makes his existence as your stalker evident, you will be scared and you might not trust him and you might be paranoid about being in a relationship with him and you might hate him. 

But she loves getting scared, doesn't she? That's why she comes to the circus so often. —his heart entices. 

No. She already had a bad relationship. I want a normal relationship with her… —his head reasons. 

Nikolai is stumped. 

Normal? Normality? Is this really what he wants to achieve? He does not want that. He does not want to be humane—he has lived all these years to be insane. He wants to lose sight of himself and he never plans to stray away from that big goal. 

And besides, besides! Why do I have to listen to you, dear head? You are trying to restrict me to a set of morality. Why, oh why, should I listen to you when you are the very thing that has been brainwashed since the day I was aware of this world? I don't need to hear you. I don't need you to reason with me. Just and unjust can scram to Hell. I will drag you to my chaos as well. 

Nikolai gently holds your hand. He is shivering—excitement, lust, devotion, passion—he feels everything at once. Your skin feels so much better. You are so soft, so fragile, such a darling. 

He slips the circus ring on your ring finger. It fits perfectly. And this mere gesture only sends Nikolai into a frenzied state for a few seconds. 

It feels like a marriage! Like we are connected and entangled with each other so closely..! I can already see us! I see us, my little dove..! 

Nikolai is in Heaven—a complete mania. This is the greatest Valentine's Day ever! He even forgets what day it is—but all he knows is that this is truly a fateful day for you two. 

He reaches your face, slowly touching your strands of hair. You are sleeping too deeply and he thanked the pills for that. Now he does not feel that guilty for what happened yesterday. All those events lead to this historical moment. You will smile again—he will make sure of it. Besides, he can tell Erika to make a ticket giveaway for his circus. He will make sure you get it. And then you can come to his circus and watch him perform. Perhaps your smile will emerge again from his acts. Then he can finally approach you and coax you into a relationship! 

Right, right, this is all in his favour! Oh, how he loves this life, now that you exist as his ethos. 

Nikolai smiles to himself as he pulls the gift box closer to his legs. He is supposed to leave this gift in your mailbox, but he decides not to. Oh, nothing much. It is just some cut-off Mia’s fingers. But he decides that he will take his spooky act slowly. Not now, not now. He will give you more luxury when the time is right. 

“Perhaps I should leave…” He mumbles, realizing that he might have been in your house for quite a while now. He stands up but he stops when he hears you stirring in your sleep, making a small noise. As he smiles, expecting a cute face from you, all he sees is just a painful expression. 

An arrow shoots straight into his heart. 

Nikolai just remembers that you most likely cried yourself to sleep, based on the dried tears on your face. You must have dealt with insomnia for the past few nights because of Mia ghosting you. And he knows you won't get a proper closure for this relationship, as Mia is no longer here in this world. 

He feels bad.

Nikolai contemplates his decision. He wants to stay longer. He doesn't mind sitting on the floor, in the dark, starved or thirsty, as long as he can watch you sleep. But, Erika has already warned him to come to the meeting at nine in the morning. 

He does not even sleep yet. 

Pursing his lips, Nikolai looks at you again. After ten complete seconds of thinking, he sits back on the floor right beside your bed. He sees your body is jerking a few times and your forehead is frowning—nightmares? He hopes not. 

Nikolai bravely moves his hand up, finally holding your hand just loosely nice. This is the closest he has ever gotten to you. He sees how your hand and his are both showing the same rings. He already loves this day—this moment. He feels at peace, somewhat, despite the cacophony of love in his heart. And if this is how the rest of his Valentine's Day is going to be, he will gladly stay.

He promises your next Valentine's Day will be the greatest ever. After all, you are already his.

©cherikolya 2024 — do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, reblogs are very appreciated

if you like my works, consider buy me a ko-fi!

hiii can i request a drabble with nikolai, good night and rain kisses (mix) please 🕊️‼️

Nikolai + Rain and Goodnight Kisses ♡⁠˖

Warnings; cursing

Event/m.list

The droplets of water pattered down onto every surface facing the sky, including yours and your boyfriends heads. You could feel the rain dampening your hair and shoulders while Nikolai wore a smile, very pleased by the scene the two of you were painting. Two lovers in the rain, should they kiss? Nikolai thinks yes, it would be just too perfect of an opportunity to pass up. He turned to look at you, his smile faltering upon seeing your frown. "You don't seem to happy, dove." Nikolai comments, speedwalking along the darkened pavement with you. "Not really, I just got over a cold, I don't wanna get another one." You explain with a huff. Nikolai shrugs. "Oh come on, you won't get a cold, it's rather warm out." He teases. "As a matter of fact, I think it's nice, a perfect setting for a scene where two people have a disagreement and fix their issues with a kiss." He grins, trying to lead you to his idea. You roll your eyes. "That's only in movies, I'm trying to haul ass home right now, not stop for a kiss. I'm all cold and wet." You shiver, grabbing his hand to pull him along as you pick up your speed walking. "If you fall into a puddle because you're so determined to arrive home I'm going to laugh at you." He states. "It's dark out and the streetlights don't illuminate everything, sweetheart." "I'm not gonna fall, trust me." You say, your street coming into view. "Just one kiss?" He asks, squeezing your wet hand in his own. "Maybe when we get home." You say, starting to consider it just to appease him, but your cheeks heat up at the thought of the romantic gesture. You can hear his quiet "tee-hee" from his position behind you and you quickly turn the corner onto the boulevard in which you two reside. You can see your house and you let out a large sigh of relief and exhaustion. You finally walk through your driveway and to the front porch, but stop and place a hand on Nikolais chest. A chesire-cat like grin spreads acrossed his face and he lets you pull him in and kiss him, the rain drops still falling on top of you. His soaked thumbs delicately trace hearts on your face as your lips move together before parting for a breath of air, laced with the taste of the rain.

The only indication of the downpour was the visible droplets directly in front of the street lamps as the two of you walked inside.You took off your shoes and immediately went to grab towels for you both. "Stay there for a second, I'll be right back." You commanded your boyfriend, who was practically dripping. When you returned, you tossed him the cloth and he started to dry his hair, you patting down your body. The two of you silently walked to the bedroom, Nikolai already started to shed his wet clothing with his hair wrapped up and was completely topless by the time you stepped through the doorframe. While you were rummaging through the dresser drawers for pajamas, his voice broke the silence. "Could you grab me some pajamas too?" He asks, ruffling his hair to dry it. "Like pajamas pajamas or your pajamas?" Nikolai had pajama pants and old tee shirts he'd sleep in, but he often preferred to sleep in just underwear. "My pajamas." You tossed him a pair and started to strip out of your own wet clothing, hating the feeling of it sticking to your skin and making it more difficult to change. Once you finally got into clean, warm clothes, you flopped down in bed with your boyfriend who had finished changing first due to the simplicity of his sleepwear. His arm draped over your waist and he pulled you closer, kissing your forehead, nose, and finally your lips. "Y'look sleepy, all that running tire you out?" You let out an affirmative groan. "Alright then, I'll let you go to sleep, sweetheart." He kisses you one final time before allowing you to slip into a field of dreams and comfort.

A/n; I hope this was okay!! I've gotten more reqs for Nikolai than I thought I would and 3 separate requests for kissing Nikolais thighs lol 😭

Adami Adashino 🎀

final part of random bsd roblox arts!! i’ve finally run out of these to post lol

these ones are kinda unfinished but oh well they are never being fully complete

nikolai got turned into a hamster and fyodor holding the urge to just squish him.

Today's Sigma is: praising(?) nikolai

y/n and shadow milk cookie but they're ✨️ married ✨️

Yes.

his dove 🩸🕊️

vampire au fyolai for an art trade with @definetelynotavampire

TRASH SUGAR MAGIC

➛ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 9: ʏᴏᴜ, ꜱᴀɴᴄᴛᴜᴀʀʏ

➛ nikolai gogol x fem!reader

➛ mature content, fluff, angst, death, slice... of life | words: 7.8k

➛ ao3 | spotify | main menu | discord (18+)

Three days without talking to Viktor feels like a crime.

No news, no updates. 

Nikolai is slumped on the couch with the Eyes of God laptop at his side. The notebook on his lap is filled with scribbles of words and numbers. The hot mocha you made an hour ago has gone cold and the ashtray at his feet is filled with cigarettes. 

“Is he angry at me?” Nikolai mumbles to himself, lips pouting. His thumb has been hovering over the call button on Viktor’s contact page on the screen of his phone for five minutes now. He wants to talk to Viktor about your father but he does not have the courage to start the conversation. 

That night, he told Viktor that your father was near the border between Russia and Belarus. A clear attempt to flee the country alone, obviously. Viktor also told the middleman to the loan sharks about it and Nikolai wondered if anything had happened to your father yet. 

What if they caught the man? Will you still be used as a hostage, despite the many times you have said that you are useless to be used against your father? What if he does pay his debt? What will happen to you? Will you return to your home? Will you leave him? 

Nikolai is already uneasy. He has been uneasy for a while. He needs answers. He needs the events to happen right now. He does not think he has the patience to play the waiting game any longer. 

“Kolya…” 

Nikolai turns to the side and sees you holding a broom and leaning against the wall with a solemn expression. He frowns. He sees the broom you are holding. You are practically the unpaid maid of this house. Nikolai does not even know what the hell are you cleaning because he does not think his apartment is a big mess. But he just lets you do your own thing. Maybe sweeping bacteria is one of your favourite hobbies. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks. “What’s with that face, hm?” He says, surprisingly, a tint of gentleness is apparent in his voice that it even shocks him. 

You grumble something and put the broomstick against the wall before you approach him. Right at the other spot beside him, you plop down onto the couch. You tilt your head, resting it on his shoulder. 

“I’m bored…”

Nikolai blinks confusedly. For one reason, he is quite baffled by the sudden closeness but this is the girl who happily hugged his arm on the first day of her kidnapping. His bafflement does not last long. He is used to this. He is so used to this. 

“Well, what do you want me to do then?” Nikolai sighs. He watches your naughty hand trying to take the notebook off his lap in curiosity. Quickly, he slaps your hand away. “Hands off, dolly.”

“What are you scribbling? Mantra?”

“Mm-hm.” He just approves your wonder. You glance at him and then huff. Nikolai snorts, teasingly tugging your hair. “Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“I’m just curious.” You sulk before pointing your finger at the page of the notebook. “Besides, I can’t even understand any of these! Anyone from afar will think you were trying to draw spaghetti.” You whine, poking your finger on the page. 

“Thanks for calling my handwriting ugly as fuck, darling. Appreciate that.” Nikolai grumbles before he seizes your hand and tosses it aside. “Even if I explain it to you, you won’t understand.”

“Does it have something to do with your Peters plan?” You ask and Nikolai silently nods. He closes the notebook before putting it aside. 

“How will you go there? By car?” You ask again as you lift your head from his shoulder. Nikolai sighs before he finishes the cold mocha he has abandoned for a while now. 

“Train. I’ll sell the car before leaving this city.” He replies. 

“And what about this house?”

“Sell it.”

“Your clothes?”

“Bring it along.”

“Viktor?”

“Mm, he doesn’t wanna go anywhere.”

“Me?”

Nikolai halts. He turns his head at you, staring with an unreadable gaze. And your eyes are returning that gaze with glimmering hope. His heart tickles and Nikolai quickly breaks contact with you, even placing his palm right on your eyes. “Hm?” You mumble adorably. 

“I’m thinking about it.” He replies shortly. Taking his hand off, he takes a glance at you. You are smiling now, soft lips curving up special just for him. He is silent for a moment. “You’re bored, dolly?”

You nod.

“Wanna go out to Olga’s?”

Your eyes beam sunshine immediately. Like bunny ears perked up in excitement, you jump slightly. “Out? We go out? Is that okay?”

Nikolai shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know. Police are doing police things. Aren’t you supposed to be excited that efforts are being made to save your ass?” He says.

“I like it here. I told you.”

“I know. You’ve been saying that for over a month now.” He mumbles. “I don’t even fathom what is actually happening. After I get you in here, everything goes to—” He swallows his word. No, that is not right. He does not think that way. It is just that his lips are quicker than his brain, sometimes. 

“You… You don’t actually hate me, right…?” You ask carefully. Hands clasped together, Nikolai notices that you are fiddling with your fingers—nervous, insecure, perhaps unsure. “I don’t think I can live with ease knowing that  you hate me.”

He purses his lips. “I don’t have a reason to hate you.” He says softly. His own fingers are now itching to be fiddled too as he can feel the nerves are touring every inch of his system. “I don’t…”

I don’t hate you. 

Nikolai takes a deep breath. “I don’t have a reason to.” He repeats again, despite knowing you surely heard his answer. Nothing to worry about, little bird. He is just trying to convince himself of something unknown. Something hidden. 

“Really?” You say before you chuckle lightly. “I appreciate that… You make me happy. You always do.”

“Mm-hm, I do, huh?” Nikolai replies, returning your smile as well. “Go get ready. I was planning to go to Olga’s diner anyway to get some dinner. We are already out of canned soup this noon.” He says. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Don’t call me that.”

“What? ‘Sir’?”

“Yeah. I don’t like it.”

You tilt your head. “Why?”

He clicks his tongue, pushing you by the shoulder lightly. “Reasons, okay? Go. And don’t wear that blue dress and get your makeup and stuff. I don’t want attention.” He orders. You huff—seeming to have planned to wear your beloved dress. But you know you have to obey anyway, so you dress yourself up in casual attire. 

Snatching one of his jackets, you leave the room, already seeing Nikolai waiting by the door. His outfit is simple. A black fitted turtleneck is perfectly copying the shape of his body. The high-waisted pants he wears only make him look like he is eighty-percent legs. Over his top, he wears a white leather jacket. 

You notice the extra sparkles on the jacket. Silver zippers, silver decorative chains, silver buttons. As he bends to wear his boots, you tug one of the chains curiously. 

“This looks very expensive for a jacket.” You remark. Nikolai stands straight and your hand slides down his back before it drops to your side. He looks at you with a smug smile.

“Stole it.”

“Huh?”

“I can do magic, remember?” He grins proudly before he steps out of the house, followed by you. After he locks the door, he slips his hand into his jacket and—magically—takes out a quite big ushanka hat. Wordlessly, he puts it on your head. 

“Just enough to hide your face.” He says, ignoring the confusion on your face as you see what he just did. Perhaps you are too puzzled by it that you start feeling the insides of the jacket you wore. 

“Don’t bother, dolly. It is only I who can do that.” He brags with a smirk before he grabs your arm and pulls you along. Your feet just follow his steps, despite you having to match his pace a little faster. Sometimes Nikolai likes to make big steps when walking and although you do not mind following him everywhere, you do prefer a relaxed walk. 

The journey to Olga’s diner only takes about ten minutes. As it is already dinnertime and the sun has drowned in the twilight horizon, night owls also come out. It is not rare for you to see the liveliness of the nightlife. Men and women mingle with each other as the television above the bar is broadcasting some sports event. Trailing Nikolai closely from behind, you two step inside, taking the table at the corner. The dark ambience of the diner manages to let your face slip—those who may recognize a missing girl might recognize someone else.

“Oh, hello, darling. Been a while.” Olga approaches your table, tickling your chin with an affectionate smile before she glances at Nikolai. “Hey, Kolya.”

Nikolai grunts. “What’s with that tone…” He murmurs. Olga huffs, placing her hand on her waist before tapping Nikolai’s head with the notepad she is holding. The thick part of the notepad hits Nikolai’s head hard, causing the man to even flinch. 

“You know what you did.”

“W-What I do?” He says, pouty. 

“Tell me why Viktor came here the other day, all sad and depressed because you’re angry at him.” Olga crosses her arms, glaring sternly at Nikolai. You look at each of them, enjoying the unprompted entertainment. 

“I’m not angry at him,” Nikolai mumbles. “He was just being stupid.”

“He was trying to be helpful, as your friend,” Olga replies. “You shouldn’t just shove people away like that. You two have been friends since forever. You don’t even have a lot of friends and colleagues and you are getting angry and grumpy over some drunk conversations.” She nags, shaking her head exasperatedly. 

Nikolai sighs. “Fine. I’m sorry, okay?”

“Don’t apologize to me. Go make up with Vitya himself.” She says. “Now, order.”

“As usual…” He mumbles, still sulky. 

“Uhm, I’ll take the mushroom and chicken pie. Ooh, and iced chocolate.” You grin at her. Olga nods before she stares at you.

“This boy doesn’t do anything weird to you, right?” Olga asks. “Vitya told me about your… situation. No wonder the police have been around the town lately.” She says as she peeks to the window. 

“Hm? Police are still searching in this town?” Nikolai’s head jerks up. Olga shrugs her shoulders. 

“Yesterday, none of them appeared. Probably have moved to other spots. Or they gave up. I mean, the police are corrupt anyway…” She explains. “Regardless, I don’t think this little lady right here wants to leave you, right, Kolya?” She cackles, glancing at you teasingly. You smile sheepishly, feeling heat travelling all over your face. 

“I really like it here…” You say. 

“This is a very strange turn of events for someone like him and someone like you.” Olga nods to herself. “But if you are really going to stick around, my restaurant happened to be in need of one more staff, you see. Not to mention, tonight is pretty busy and I don’t have enough hands!” She grins as she bends a little to be near your eye level. 

“Huh? O-Oh! Oh, are you…” You look at Nikolai who is just staring before you turn to Olga. “Are you offering me a job? Now?”

“No,” Nikolai sighs. “No, Olga… Olga, you crazy woman. I have important things to do with her! She’s not going to help you for this diner.” He protests as he glares at the lady with a sulky face. Olga only chuckles before she playfully messes with Nikolai’s hair. 

“I know, I know. But, if there is another strange turn of events, I don’t mind having an addition for my restaurant.” Olga says before she walks away to go to the kitchen. Your eyes trail her before you turn quickly to Nikolai. As soon as you open your lips, he covers your mouth with his hand. 

“No.”

Your nose scrunches before you grip his wrist and pull his hand away from your lips. “Why? It’s not like I do anything in the house? I don’t even know what I’m cleaning anymore.” You say, hand still gripping his. “Even the bacteria are getting cleaner. They don’t even need to shower but I showered them regardless…”

“You think I’ll allow you to walk around in this premise with chances of other bad people seeing your face? No way. You need to know, my love. This diner is not as innocent as it seems.” He says before he pulls his hand away from you and rests his elbow on the table. He props his chin on his palm. You cross your arms on the table, leaning forward. 

“What do you mean by that?”

“People exchange information here. Illegal information. By ‘people’, I really mean criminals. Olga often gets bribes or ‘hush money’ to keep her mouth shut. How do you think this diner is still maintained even with few customers?” Nikolai explains before he shuts his lips as a waiter comes to the table with your ordered drinks.

He waits for the waiter to leave before he looks at you again. “Look around you, little bird. There are too many people here. So… no, you’re not going to work here. Lowly criminals may get caught but a lot of experienced ones have broad networks, you see. Your face is most likely known for those who tune in to the news. What’s easier than kidnapping an already missing person and using them for other benefits, right?” He tells you. You purse your lips as you sadly stir your iced chocolate. It is just a simple drink with whipped cream and cherry on top. 

“Besides, I don’t want anyone to take you away. You still have a debt to pay, figuratively speaking.” Nikolai says before he steals the cherry from your drink. You whine, trying to stop his naughty hand but he already eats the whole fruit and puts back the small stem on your drink. 

You wince. “Nikolai! Why are you being mean?” You quickly pick out the stem, dropping it on the table. Nikolai only cackles playfully as he chews the cherry. His smile is smug, scoffing at your sulky face. 

“Relax, dolly. I’m the one paying so technically what’s yours is mine.” Nikolai grins as he picks up his hot tea, sipping it. He frowns slightly at the bitterness. His hand reaches out to the small bowl of sugar packets at the edge of the table but you quickly grab the bowl, pulling it away from him. 

“Hey, give that back.”

“Nope!”

You laugh, almost so proud at your little revenge. You put the bowl at the spot right next to you. Pointing at his hot tea, you say, “Why don’t you drink it, hm? Hmm?” You giggle. 

“Oh, I’m about to, sweetheart. Hold on.”

“What the—”

At that moment, Nikolai slips his hand inside his jacket and he takes out the exact same bowl of sugar packets from it. Deliberately and calmly, he tears open a few packets of sugar for his tea, as you watch, stunned. 

“What did I say to you, sweetheart? Tricks don’t work with me.” He snorts before he pushes the bowl of sugar packets towards you. “Now you can put it away as far as you want. I’ll just enjoy my sweet tea right here.” He chuckles before he sips the drink. 

“Hmph.”

You rest your chin on your palm, gazing at him. Irises trail all over his figure—scanning from his hair, white as snow, to his hands, big and rough. Your other hand creeps over to his hand, tracing your fingertips on his skin. As if it has a mind on its own, you glide your finger over the little pattern of tattoos that peeked out from his sleeve. 

“What, are you interested in getting a tattoo?” Nikolai suddenly asks. You halt, right when your finger is over his wrist. You look up at him before you shrug. 

“Seems scary.”

“The needles?”

You nod. “It pokes pokes pokes your skin, no? It bleeds you. But, I think it won’t hurt so much if it’s like… on certain parts of the body.”

Nikolai smirks. “Definitely. I guess if you are used to getting hurt on certain parts of your body, it doesn’t hurt much when tattooing the skin. For me, my arms only feel ticklish.” He says before he tilts his face, slyly grinning. “Maybe you should try one. On your face. It doesn’t hurt.”

“I guess it won’t hurt because my dad always hit me on it.”

“Fucking hell.”

— ♡

Mismatched eyes reflect the light from the screen of the television. People are in high spirits as the team they are cheering for is attempting another goal. Football is not something Nikolai tunes in. But there are times when his spirit also flows together with the people around him. People cheer and he will cheer too—even if he does not know who wins or loses. 

However, that is perhaps only applicable to the twenty-four-year-old him.

“Do you play sports?” 

He turns his head towards you. But your eyes are also fixated on the television, like everybody else. He wonders if you will even hear his answer because your question does sound like it is just a thought passing through like a breeze from the night air. “I supposed I don’t.” He says, his tone is just as careless as yours.

“Really? Then, how are you so strong?”

“Many reasons…” Nikolai mumbles, twirling his glass of vodka. His hot tea was already finished an hour ago. He finished eating way before you. “My tendency to get into fights in prison is probably one of the reasons too.”

“You fought in prison?” You finally pry your eyes away from the television, fixing your attention on him.

“I got bullied for the first few days…” Nikolai mumbles before he lets out a broken cackle. “But any man would tremble at the sight of a gun in front of their face. Unless they have the fangs of a tiger, then that is a different story. Well… a tiger can still be fought against with a falling telephone pole, so that’s that.” He says.

You tilt your head, confused. “You fought a tiger?”

“Not a literal tiger,” Nikolai snickers. “I think pure strength is not enough even for the strongest being in mankind. Creativity and versatility are important too. Strategies, plans, schemes… What’s scarier and stronger than a man who manipulates humanity to do his bidding while he sits back and enjoys the show from the crook of his library?” His eyes trail back to the television. “Even a sport requires strategies and manipulation, not pure stamina. Do you think the managers and those behind the players are not pulling the strings too?”

That’s why I must kill him.

“I mean, sport does have a long history of having bribe issues.” You murmur.

“That’s what I don’t understand either,” Nikolai nods to himself. “What’s fun with watching something that is most likely predetermined?”

“Not all sports are predetermined.”

“And not all are fair.”

You look away, staring at the table. Nikolai is also silent. He returns to watch the sport. Two players have fallen, and now one of them is going to protest at the yellow card. Next, arms open, provocation erupts to the stoic referee. The camera will pan to the spectators in the stadium. Some with hands on their head, some shout words and words that will only drown along with the cheers from the opposing team. Expectable, this show is too expectable—Nikolai sighs.

“Hey…”

Olga approaches your table again. This time, she looks visibly tired and worried. “I’m sorry for bringing this up again, but we really need a hand for tonight. One of my staff needs to go home because he has exams tomorrow. There are only three people in the kitchen, one at the bar and me.”

Nikolai frowns. Seriously? He does understand the circumstances but he could not find it in his heart to allow you to go and assist Olga for the restaurant, mainly because he does not want you to go roam around as a waitress, flaunting your pulchritude to the customers as you suggest them the most expensive food and drinks to order.

But your pleading eyes at him are certainly gleaming with hope right now.

Pinching his temple, Nikolai nods hesitantly. “Keep her in the kitchen only.”

Olga gasps and nods quickly. “Thanks a lot, Kolya.” She pecks his cheek appreciatively. “Her work is gonna be washing the dishes. You don’t mind that at all, right?” She asks you.

“No, I don’t! I’m a professional dishwasher.” You reply with a cheeky grin. As you stand up to follow Olga to the kitchen, you give Nikolai’s hand a squeeze and mouth ‘Thanks,’ to him. He just nudges his chin, shooing you. You giggle before you happily jog your way to the kitchen.

“Dummy.” Nikolai snickers, shaking his head as he checks his phone. It is past 10:30 PM and the diner will not close until twelve, he thinks. Or perhaps it will close when the sport has concluded. Because of the busy and crowded nights, your dinner time took two hours because you two also just lounging around in the diner watching the sport as well as he keeps ordering more vodka. He learns something new too—you eat later than usual when you are watching something, compared to when you only have him to stare and look at.

Bzzz!

As if the sender knows that  Nikolai is holding his phone right now, he receives a message—from someone he expects will not talk to him for another five business days.

Viktor: Hey, man. You busy?

Me: no. why

Viktor: Our marriage argument can wait. But I want you to come to Nastya’s studio now.

Me: now?

Viktor: Bitch, fucking read.

Me: can i go to the mart first? i need to get groceries

Viktor: Fine. But just come, alright? You must come. Tonight. Now.

Viktor: But go get your grocery first, fucker.

Nikolai gets up from his seat and gathers his belongings. He walks to the kitchen and wordlessly barges inside without caring for the strange look given by the bartender who is busy making drinks. He slips between the chefs and gets to you who is already washing cups and beer mugs.

He gently calls your name, poking your shoulder. You turn your head. “Oh! Hey, Kolya. Are you going to join me in this adventure of washing dishes?”

“Keep your talent in words, dolly. I need to leave for a moment. Viktor wants me to go to see him. But I might be late because I’ll stop by the mart to buy some groceries. You want anything?” He asks. You hum, thinking, as your hand is brushing the cup with a soapy sponge.

“Coco pops cereal, please.” You grin. Nikolai snickers as his hand cannot help staying still. He reaches to your cheek, playfully pinching it and shaking your face as he grits his teeth.

“Alright, you cheeky gold-digging girl.”

You whine and he lets go with a chuckle. “If the diner is closed, wait inside. I’m sure Olga won’t go home until I fetch you. And don’t run away— Gah, you know what, nevermind. You won’t leave me alone anyway.” He rambles as he turns around and leaves. You watch him disappear out of the kitchen and finally turn your focus to the dishes.

The lingering touch on your cheek still burns. You smile to yourself.

Your work increases tenfold when the clock strikes midnight. The sport that was broadcasted has concluded and the customers are leaving. You and two other staff are left along with Olga to clean the restaurant for closing. It seems that there are never-ending dirty dishes to wash.

“You okay?” Olga asks after you have not seen her for a while. “Come, you can stop washing the dishes. We have no need to rush to close the restaurant.” She says as she gestures to you to come to her. You leave the sink and wince at the sight of your strained arms. Your fingers are extremely wrinkled after being in the water for so long.

Once you are by Olga’s side, she takes out a clean napkin from her apron pocket and starts to gently wipe your wet arms. “You know, compared to Vasya and Alyosha, you don’t even complain about the amount of dishes you have to clean.” She says.

“I’m kinda used to it…” You smile before peeking out from the small window that allows the chefs and the staff outside to interact. You do not know which is which but one guy is sweeping the floor while the other is wiping the table. They do not even talk to you when you enter the kitchen other than changing a quick greeting upon seeing an addition to the team.

Olga smiles. “That one, who’s sweeping the floor is Vasily. His friend—or boyfriend, considering that they always spend time in Vasya’s bedroom like boyfriends would—is Aleksy.” She says as she continues to dry your fingertips and massage your arms gently.

“How do you know that?” You ask.

“Vasya rented a room in my house. He’s a university student near here. Worked here too for extra allowances and rent discount.”

Your eyes sparkle at the new information. Interested, you ask, “Oh, you are also a tenant?”

Olga chuckles and shakes her head. “No, not at all. I just have a vacant bedroom in my house. It belonged to my son.” She replies, Strangely, her tone lowers and her eyes droop darker at the last bits of her words. You notice the tone, certainly and you do not think talking about it is right at the moment. Vacant bedroom, belonged, son. There are only a few conclusions that can be drawn as long as the answer is not definitive.

“They are not trying to be cold towards you, you know? Both of them are introverts, compared to your… man. The younger version of him, that is.” Olga smiles before she reaches to your cheek, nudging your skin with her knuckle. “You’re flustered.”

“Uhm… He’s not my man.”

“Not yet.”

“Olga…!” You pout before she laughs. 

“I’m just joking,” She smiles, patting your head. “I love the guy, you know? He was a cheerful one and to be honest? Don’t tell this to Vitya, but Kolya is definitely more fun to tolerate.” She says. “But I love them both equally. Though, my life was much safer before I knew them.”

“Oh?” You look at her. “I am aware that your restaurant also does… not-so-good things… But did both of them cause you to involve yourself in such matters?” You ask carefully. Olga huffs and nods.

“They used to smuggle stuff. And my storage room was proven to be the best place to hide stuff, according to Kolya anyway. I don’t even get his logic. But, I guess words travel faster than light itself because one by one, suspicious people start to come here and pay me to keep quiet about their bad behaviour.” She explains. “I accept the money, of course. I cannot afford to let this diner be sold or discontinued.” 

You take a look around and you can see the traces of the past on the flakes, the rusts and the dirt. Old. Historic.

“This is my family’s restaurant. I’ve been working here since I was eleven. I cannot just simply leave this place. It holds nostalgia.” Olga says. Her eyes are vacant, staring ahead and yet towards nowhere. “If this restaurant is gone, I’m gone. And if I’m gone, nobody could take care of Vasya. That boy is not from this country and he travelled this far just to pursue his studies.”

She whispers, “My boy would do the same too, if he had the chance…”

“You’ve worked here for a long while…” You remark before looking down at your hands, fingertips grazing against each other, feeling the wrinkles from your yet-to-be-paid hard work. “I started working around your age too.” You tell her. “When I was… twelve? Thirteen? My first job was in a very small store in the neighbourhood. I was not really good at being a cashier, so my boss lady assigned me to arrange stock.”

“Oh? Was the job worth it?” Olga asks back, still smiling warmly at you.

“I wouldn’t say that but it was fun. I got to do things and meet many people from the neighbourhood and I… got to live my life out of my house…” You mumble. “I learnt a lot of things too.”

“I heard about what happened with your father. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through.” Olga says, taking your hand and holding it tightly. “No kids should ever live a life like that. You deserve so much more, darling. You really do. Never stop being kind, alright? Kindness is so needed in this kind of place.”

“Thank you, Olga…” You smile at her.

Olga grins before she taps your shoulder. “Kolya does not seem to be coming back any sooner but I’ll wait until you’re safe and home with him. Vasya and Alyosha do not mind waiting too. I know they don’t have any schedule tomorrow.” She says before she bends a little to look at the two boys. You also take a peek. They are laughing at each other, seeming to have delight in the small world they created.

“They’re going to come back to the kitchen for other chores. Can you go and mop the floor?” Olga asks. You nod and ask for the mop and the bucket, which Olga shows you before she calls for the boys to come into the kitchen to help her. 

As you bring the mop and the bucket of soapy water to the dining area, you pass by both Vasily and Aleksy. They give you a smile and a nod before getting into the kitchen. Once again, you are left alone. You dip the mop in the water and start mopping. The channel on the television has changed to a midnight news channel, presumably by the bartender who left as soon as the cleaning started. You do not understand why the bartender and one of the kitchen staff left early but you want to try to assume the best—they probably have important work tomorrow.

Accompanied by the sound of the compiled news from the previous day coming from the television, you keep mopping under the table and the chairs. You keep stealing occasional glances at the outside world, trying to see if Nikolai is coming to get you or not. The snow is falling lightly, coating the earth with a layer of solitude.

You have been mopping for five minutes now and you finally stand straight, stretching yourself. You take a seat at one of the tables to rest. Your knees feel a little strained, probably because you have been standing for a while. Your eyes roam around the diner before they stop at the television screen. 

And then the world stops.

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“A dead body was discovered in Mckinlay Motel at the Russian-Belarusian border…”

“Fuck.”

Hand on his face, Nikolai’s eyes are fixated on the news shown on Viktor’s laptop. His heart is beating fast as he digests every word uttered by the newsreader. Dead body, motel, a gun, Russian-Belarusian border, your last name, his blurred identity card, his blurred face, the zoomed-in footage on his hand showing his wedding ring—

“Suicide,” Viktor finally speaks and Nikolai deliberately turns to him. Viktor looks grim and agitated. His right leg cannot stop shaking as he stares at his lap. “He shot himself.”

“Are we entirely sure this is not pseudo-suicide? The loan sharks did not orchestrate this?” Nikolai asks before he swallows nervously. He does not realize how heavy his tongue feels when he tries to talk more about this. 

“No. No, I don’t think the loan sharks were aware of his… suicide. When this was first reported, the middleman even called me to confirm it. Which means… They did not participate in his suicide either. They want money, not a dead body.” Viktor explains before he sighs. “Fuck, fuck, everything is going to shit. It's all complicated now. Bloody hell…”

Nikolai purses his lips before he leans back. He is at a loss for words. Your father is dead. He shot himself. He was already at the border and he could leave anytime. He wonders why your father killed himself when the chance for freedom is right in front of him. 

An issue with the passport? Official document? Money? Was he blacklisted? Was he denied by the authorities? 

Hell, does any reason even matter now? Your father is dead and there is no way he is coming back to live to tell the tale of his suicide unless he can magically metamorphose himself into another body. He left you alone in this city and he left you alone in this world, forsaking you with his abundance of debt and problems. 

“Kolya… I’ve… I’ve been thinking for a while about this.” Viktor suddenly speaks. He buries his face into his palms, groaning foully into them. “How do I say this… You know, you’re not the only one who’s drunk that night. That night, after I fetched Nastya from your place, I felt jealous because she basically just got out of your place and it’s like—how dare you have my girl in your place but I know it was because of our agreement to have her look after your girl too.”

Nikolai frowns at his ramble. His eyes travel around the table and finally catch the sight of half-emptied vodka on it. Viktor—or Nastasya, considering they are in her office—has been drinking, perhaps. He is probably tipsy. 

“Anyway, anyway. When I saw Nastya, I noticed she had three nails polished with a light blue colour. Yeah, that’s your girl’s nail polish, maybe. Most likely. Defi-fucking-nitely. I told her to get rid of the colour because I know Nastya doesn’t like pastels. But she didn’t want to because that girl was too sweet to her. Nastya also said she would like to make hot chocolate just as how the girl taught her for me. And and and— fuck, Kolya… I know you’re smart and all, so can you tell me why I feel like this?” Viktor finally lifts his head, turning to Nikolai with his lips curled as if he is trying to pout—or was it even an attempt? 

Nikolai sighs. “Vik, we are talking about… her dad right now. Can we not talk about Nastasya or her?” He says. “Right now, her dad just killed himself and I’m pretty sure the loan sharks were on their way to pursue that man before the suicide too.”

“No, that’s exactly what I wanna say, Kolyushka!” Viktor exclaims. “I wasn’t thinking straight when I immediately reported her daddy’s coordinates to the middleman. As soon as you told me his whereabouts, my mind went zoom— Ah, I should tell them loan whales.”

“The fuck are you talking about—”

“I feel guilty, Kolya.”

Nikolai halts. 

Viktor inhales a sharp breath. “I feel guilty because I felt like I took away Nastya’s new friend. Zoya met her once and already wanted to fuck the girl. I think she’s cute too but not as cute as Nastya. And I took your happiness— Ahh! Why do I feel like this? I feel so… so fucking bad. She is just like any other victim we kidnapped and traded and sometimes killed. The only difference is that we did not spend over a month with them!”

Nikolai stares at his tipsy friend for a moment before he turns away. His eyes are fixed on the news again. This time, it is showing some interviews with witnesses from Mckinlay Motel. 

“We detected a very strange smell from the room.”

“We tried to knock but no one’s answering. Even the calls from the reception are not answered.”

“Yeah, no one around here has seen him. But he occasionally visited the convenience store. No, he did not buy a lot of things. Only a lot of cigarettes.”

“Viktor… What do you think of the loan sharks’ next move since their debtor is dead now?” Nikolai asks, voice slow and sullen, thundering deeply from his throat. Viktor sniffles before he sits straight. 

“He had a lot of debt with them. Ain’t no way they will simply let the money burn, especially with how much they have spent on trying to catch that bastard.” Viktor says. “They can probably sell his assets to make a profit but can it be enough to cover all the debt? All the expenses? Nobody even wants to rent that ugly house.”

“Certainly not,” Nikolai grumbles. “The debt may default but I don’t doubt the loan sharks will—for the lack of a better word—get revenge for all the expenditures he caused them.”

“Yeah. And one of his assets is his daughter. The girl. You know the mind of horrible criminals, Kolyushka. Money lenders or not, by law or not, this group is ultimately a crime syndicate. They’re going to get her for sure.” Viktor adds, sighing loudly as he throws his head back.

“Are you two going to let the loan sharks take her?”

Both Viktor and Nikolai look up to the door, seeing Nastasya leaning against the frame. Her eyes darken as she steps further into the room. 

“Hm?” She addresses the men again. “Let her be taken? Let her take responsibility for something she did not do? What do you think will happen to a young girl with no one left and nothing left?”

Nikolai’s eyes scan her, finding her knuckles turning white as she grips the edge of the table. 

“That’s why I feel guilty… At first, I wouldn’t be much, knowing she was going to be just a hostage or a bait. But now… It’s like something shifts.” Viktor mumbles. His brown irises trail up to his lover before the latter also share the same look—a sentiment that is unspoken but understood. 

“No…”

Nikolai finally gets up. He takes a quick look at his watch. 12:27 AM. The diner must be closed by now. You are probably waiting for him. 

“No, what?” Nastasya asks. 

“You guys want to keep her, then keep her. I’m going to Peters. I have more important things to do than babysit a child.” Nikolai says, firmly. His tone is hard and rough as he fixes his jacket. Viktor bolts up from his seat, grabbing his friend’s arm. 

“Are you serious? You’re gonna give her if the loan sharks ask for her? She’s gonna get trafficked!” 

“Let me go.”

“Answer me, fucking coward.”

Nikolai yanks his arm away from Viktor’s grip. “I’m not gonna dwell in guilt like you, Pavlovsky.”

With that, Nikolai walks out of the studio, making haste of his steps towards his car. He enters it and starts the engine. The radio is not even on, he does not bother to do it as he drives to Olga’s diner—fast. The car runs through the falling snow that illuminates the night sky and the street lights. The world has gone quiet and will only go quieter as the hours pass. 

But his mind is never quiet. Each thought produces a monster, standing by to devour his head. Words from the news are buzzing in his ears like flies, and Nikolai worries that all of those monstrous thoughts and buzzing words are leading to one person. 

Oh, you… 

Nikolai is not sure whether you saw the news or not. He hopes you did not. The television in Olga’s place was dominated by a sports channel, no? It was on with sports and shall be off with sports. If you are aware of what happened to your father, he will be quiet. If you are not, he will be quiet too. He will keep his mouth shut about it, silence just like the winter night. 

Any mention of this will rigorously affect his plan to leave this town. 

Although, deep down, Nikolai knows, his plan to leave is already plagued with doubts and worries. 

He arrives at the diner in less than the expected time. Usually, it takes about fifteen minutes from VIY Studio to Olga’s place but due to the lack of people and cars on the street, especially at the hour, he manages to arrive in just ten. 

The diner is already dark. The light on the signboard is off, as well as the inviting ‘OPEN’ neon at the window. From the outside, the dining area is totally sombre. There is only the white light from the kitchen area, which is visible through the small window connecting the bar and the kitchen. 

Nikolai steps to the door—unlocked. He pushes it open and it rings. Two boys who are slumped at a table woke up from their sleep upon hearing the ring. Nikolai recognises them, but he doubts that they recognise him. 

“Where’s Olga?” He asks one of them. One of the boys, shy and timid, points at the door leading to the kitchen. Nikolai nods, mumbling half-hearted thanks as he steps towards the kitchen. He enters it, finding Olga is cleaning the stove. 

“Olga,” Nikolai calls and she turns. Her eyes widen and a tint of panic waves over her face. 

“Kolya, oh my God, you’re here.” She says as she rushes to him. Nikolai frowns, ignoring the old lady as he scans the whole kitchen area, trying to find you. The panic in her voice raises concern over his heart—once again, reacting to bad thoughts flooding his mind by hastening its beating. 

“She’s been in the toilet for a moment now. Told me she got a stomach ache and she needed time. Can you go and check her?”

His sixth sense tells him that there is no stomach ache. 

Reluctant yet feeling compelled to go, Nikolai nods. He makes his way to the toilet area. Two wooden doors—one for female and one for male. He approaches the one with the female symbol, knocking it a few times. 

He calls your name. 

No answer. 

Sniffles, yes. He does hear sniffles. 

He calls for you again, this time a little firmer. Knocks again. 

“S-Sorry, I need time…” Your muffled voice responds back. “Kolya…? C-Can you wait outside? I-I’ll see y-you outside…”

Nikolai stays still in front of the door, staring at the fake carving on the wood. He hangs his head low as his eyes stare blankly at his knuckles. “… I am outside. Not going anywhere.” He says. 

“… I’m not going anywhere.” He says again. 

Silence. Just as he wishes. Yes, you know about your father, that is crystal clear and obvious. And he prays that this silence will be forever—your father’s death shall never be mentioned, never be thought about. 

The fiddling noise of the lock breaks Nikolai’s focus on his hand. The door is pulled from the inside, open. 

“N-Nikolai…” Your glassy eyes gape at him, surprised. Your lips tremble as they try to crook for a smile. One attempt, two attempts and you finally manage to force one—unnatural and uncanny. “You’re b-back from Viktor.”

The air is tightening, choking his words from leaving his mouth. Hesitation—he can feel the heaviness in his heart to even reply to you. But for the sake of clearing the awkwardness, he nods. “Y-Yeah, I did. Come on.”

He turns around and walks off. He does not even know whether you are following him or not, for his gaze is only on his car in front of the premise. He leaves the diner first and once his boots step on the pavement, he realizes he is alone. He does not hear yours behind him. 

Nikolai takes a deep breath and faces up. He huffs slowly and the cold air trails out of his orifices. Heaviness is still lingering in his heart, despite he is alone out in the world. When he hears slow footsteps approaching him, the heaviness grows more, taking over his insides. With such a burden, he turns his head around, only to see you walking towards him with a gloomy gaze on the ground. 

One of your arms is hugging the ushanka you have taken off earlier. Without any word, Nikolai offers his hand and you—sensibly—put the ushanka on his hand. He then opens his jacket, slipping the big hat into the unknown. 

The baby blue girl who would often cheer at the tiniest sight of his ability is only carrying a deeper shade of blue right now. 

You are just standing there, so lost in thoughts that the glimmers in your eyes are lost too. The smile you once forced back at the toilet is not even trying to attempt anymore. Delight has flipped itself over, overcasting you with misery. 

“Hey.”

“Nikolai…” You finally speak. Your fingers clutch at your sides, fiddling with the fabric of your clothes. Then, accompanied by a quivering breath and hoarse voice, you ask;

“Can I have a hug?” 

Nikolai is silent. Oh, he really does wish to be silent. But wishes rarely ever come true. 

“Uhm…” He knows it—you want to be touched, to be held. You wish for solace and comfort. But Nikolai does not want it. If his wish to be silent cannot come true, yours cannot either. 

His eyes are everywhere but you. However, his body does turn towards you. His hand does reach out to you and with the most awkward voice he can muster, he offers, “How about we just shake hands?”

You stare at his hand. You nod. “Okay.”

You grab a hold of his hand before you slowly pull him and push yourself to the centre—closer. Nikolai’s body too moves on its own, subjecting itself to your whims. Your arms around his body as you bury yourself deeper into his warmth. 

And he embraces. 

His arms around yours, warmer and tighter. Your face against his chest and his face against your head, lips touch your skin briefly. One of his hands trails up, cupping the back of your neck as he caresses gently. And you let go. The cries and the sobs—you pour out to him and as he wishes, he stays silent and accepts it. 

“My dad’s dead, Kolya…”

Sniffles.

“I don’t know what to do…”

Hiccups. 

“I don’t have anyone left…”

You hug him tighter, and you press your cries harder against his chest. 

“Please don’t leave me too…”

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