xsuspencexkillsx

Latest Posts by xsuspencexkillsx

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The worst part is I don't even have her face, I have his. I wish I had the kindness of her eyes. Instead, every day I wake up and the mirror is just another reminder of him. His brown eyes, his sharp angled face, and his spirit. His hands, his feet. His anger. His rage. It's all mine. All of it. Sometimes it makes me hate myself. Everyone thinks I'm his carbon copy. "Just like his father," they say. Well they don't know how much it hurts me. They don't know what he really was. They don't know the pain and bruises I carry around because of him to this day. Nobody lived the life me and my mom did. They saw the best side of him. We suffered through the worst. I can honestly say I'm glad he's gone now. And all I want is to erase his face. It was all him. And he was the sum of it all—he was the only mistake my mother made.

I’m 17?? What the fuck.

A fuck-you to RFK;

An autistic person will never write a poem, so everything I’ve ever written doesn’t exist. It’s just shit. 

They will never play baseball, so my memories of playing a game with my friends don’t mean anything. I never played a game I loved, a game I was damn good at. It was all a figment of my wild imagination. 

They’ll never hold a job, so there are thousands of doctors and scientists and engineers who aren’t real to him. 

Autism destroys families, so no matter what mine says, they’re lying. They don’t love me. Rather than death or illness, my mind is what will ruin it all. Even though we’ve been happy for 17 years so far. 

It’s an individual tragedy as well, which must mean that me and my bestfriends’ lives are meaningless. A waste of space. Of oxygen. 

Fucking hell.

If RFK (a man stuck in ‘55) gets his way, this police state that we’re living in will just get worse. He wants to use his research to make eugenics America’s policy. That’s what “curing” autism is. There is no cure. There’s only death. Death that should never even be a possibility. A thought. 

No one should be persecuted, or have their genes “eliminated” from the gene pool because of some uneducated twat. He doesn’t get to decide who will be born. He doesn’t get to manufacture the next generation like this is some kind of fascist, Nazi regime. Even in the most clinically “severe” cases, an autistic person is far from stupid or helpless. They are We are people, like everyone else. And it’s not our fault he doesn’t know that. 

favorite color: black

last song: space bound - eminem 

currently reading: John Winchester’s journal

currently watching: The punisher

currently craving: that sonic burger I keep getting fuckin adds for 

coffee or tea: it depends 🤷‍♂️

tags:

@cool-lesbian-is-here, @stitchedribs, @soapiezzzz, @deadendgoal, @multimusiclover, @bloodynrves <33

Thanks @youreyesaremyfavoritecolor <3

get to know your moots tag game ! ✶ answer the questions, then tag six people

favorite color ꕀ green and brown last song ꕀ tú by maye currently reading ꕀ the luminaries by susan dennard currently watching ꕀ the great british baking show currently craving ꕀ massaman curry. like always. and like. alcohol and a couple cigs HAHA. a break too :P coffee or tea ꕀ always tea! i don't like coffee

ty for the tag @saltcxrcle ! tagging: @lelapine @toadspondofwhimsy @outof-spite @h0neyst4rz @hhoneylemon @our-lady-of-venom

will people PLEASE stop arguing with me (in real life) and trying to convince me I am gay?? I pulled a Misha Collins. I walked it back. I officially became the only man in Texas ever to come out as straight. So fucking believe me and leave me alone about it. I’m so repressed even if I was into men, I wouldn’t tell you!

also I realize ppl are gonna see this and argue with me about it, but uh, I’m just irritated rn…

Reddit just gave me a THREE DAY ban. I hate my life

I told you my deathbed secrets. Cause nobody else’s ever made me feel so alive. I love you.

–s.s.

Courtney Love is actually super hot, you’re all just wrong btw

hope this helps!! 🩷🩷🩷

So maybe I’m not actually gay lmao. there’s this pretty blonde girl and yeah.. 🤷‍♂️ idk, wild shit

home - pencey prep

10.6.24

Going to my little cousin’s basketball game. Driving by an old, painfully Southern Baptist church with tall grass. Eating burgers and drinking milkshakes with the family (something all American.) (Same place, different name.) I don’t remember the town I was born in. Did I grow up in bumfuck nowhere or suburbia? It’s all dizzy. Like a sick kind of merry go round. It’ll never end, I think. Some days. Is it true? Was anything? I have memories that aren’t mine and nightmares that are. 

buried so deep even god won’t find me

For J.

One day you won’t be little anymore. I can see it happening already. You’re almost as tall as I am. Your voice is getting deeper. It’s still cracking at this point and now we can’t sing the songs we used to sing together. You’ve always been my brother, but one day you’ll grow up. It feels like you’ll outgrow me eventually. I think I’d die. You’ll move somewhere far away. I won’t see you every night at dinner and I won’t be the uncle to those three kids you’ll have. I won’t have any kids of my own, but if I did, I’d like to think they’d know you. 

I hope you never leave. I hope we still talk in person and exchange funny stories thirty years from now. I’ll always take your side. Fuck wrong and right—you’re family. And one day if all the shit you’ve gone through catches up to you, I’ll swear on the Bible in a courtroom in front of the law and god, and I’ll tell them that you’re innocent—I’ll be your alibi—even if I know you’re guilty by my own eyes (even if we haven’t talked in years, even if your fingerprints are on the knife). Cause the day you called me brother was the day I decided not to take my own life. 

pinterest called my ass out fr. (I am not still fucked up over [read: in love with] a blonde from 9th grade) Sick asf photos though

thanks 4 tagging me @youreyesaremyfavoritecolor <33

no pressure tags— @cool-lesbian-is-here @stitchedribs @woods3115

tysm for the tag <3 @yumclaire

search “my vibe aesthetic” on pinterest & post the top results

tags: @bleachbambi @daisyrandoneisme @cellophane-rat-2 @cigarettesincalifornia @jeante13 + anyone else who wants to do it!!

tree of grackles

Shout out to everyone who’s ever perpetuated the “gay men are predatory” stereotype!! <3 You’re the reason I’m terrified to even make eye contact with another man and why I feel ashamed anytime I even think a guy is slightly good-looking. Congratulations on finally reaching peak Shit Person Status! Motherfucker. :D :D :D

I miss my Coke Zero so much 😩.. why don’t I have any 😿‼️what the fucj !!!

I found peace on his words, does that make sense?

I am a boy written by pete wentz

I’m the type of guy to gaslight myself into being straight . I know this because unfortunately I’ve done it 7301965 times and it hasn’t worked any of them..

The body of Christ as a symbol of self-punishment. (or, stigmata)

I’m a seven year old boy’s little green toy soldier, crushed and broken under the weight of his father’s work boots. I’ve fought in a thousand wars. I flinch at the sound of rough hands. God has forsaken me, even in my dying breath. Maybe my prayers never work, not because he can’t hear me, but because he chooses not to. Because he hates what I am. He despises me, yet I amuse him. I am The Divine’s favorite plaything. I’m made of duct tape and scars. It’s a vicious cycle of patching myself up, and falling apart. Nobody hears me beg. Nobody listens to my pleas. I cry out once for every punishing lash of the belt.

I’m gonna be honest, chief, that was the most punk thing I’ve seen from an artist in a long time

Vivienne Westwood

about ~yours truly~

Spencer. Sleep-deprived—slightly unstable—writer and ‘boy loser,’ (as the homie calls me.) I’m the world’s number one, professional oversharer.

This is basically just poetry and ramblings about my life and feelings. (Mostly ramblings, let’s be honest.) I AM an ally to communities im not a part of, so keep bigot shit off my blog.

I’m obsessed with a lot of bands and tv shows. Saw My Chem on October 19th & 20th, 2024. If you don’t like hello kitty, gtfo. I have a side blog, @number-one-castiel-apologist, where I talk about supernatural. A lot. Like a fuckton. So yeah. stay fuckin freaky man ;)

xo <3

when about Judas/love through a biblical lense. 

I didn’t mean for it to end this way. Sometimes  love is... betrayal. The coins. A priceless kiss. I’ll hang myself tonight after I see the blue in  your lips. He’s compelled by a higher power. Everything will be alright in the end. His master  has gotten out of scrapes a thousand times  before. His love cheats death. Did I tell you anything? Did I confess all my sins? I am so  dirty. Filthy. Unwashed. Unclean. Guilt washes  over me. Belief or distance. Ultimatums made of secrets and crucifix kisses. I mourned for you, but you did not take the time to notice me. My Christ has been stolen. I wish for a different life.  My mind. Broken and tired. It burns when he’s asleep. The rope will never break. Prophecy. 

summer or winter // coffee or tea // straight hair or curly hair //fiction or nonfiction // necklaces or bracelets // marshmallows or whipped cream // night in or night out // sunset or sunrise // pizza or pasta // cold drink or hot drink // vampire or werewolf // crop top or oversized hoodie // be able to fly or run at super speed // speak many languages or able to speak to animals // be invisible or read minds// phone call or text// laundry or dishes // pool or beach //flats or heels //stay home or go out // coke or pepsi // cook dinner or do dishes // books or movies // dogs or cats // chocolate or vanilla // facebook or instagram// over-dressed or under-dressed // morning or late nights // always late or always early // dancer or singer // always eat only dessert or always eat only savoury // shopping or museum // art gallery or zoo //parties or picnics // white lights or multicolored lights

Thanks for the tag @youreyesaremyfavoritecolor no pressure:

@empty-pools-vacant-alleyways, @ghostopossumlives

thank you for the tag @lirenthenonlyrist <3

summer or winter // coffee or tea // straight hair or curly hair //fiction or nonfiction // necklaces or bracelets // marshmallows or whipped cream // night in or night out // sunset or sunrise // pizza or pasta // cold drink or hot drink // vampire or werewolf // crop top or oversized hoodie // be able to fly or run at super speed // speak many languages or able to speak to animals // be invisible or read minds// phone call or text// laundry or dishes // pool or beach //flats or heels //stay home or go out // cook dinner or do dishes // books or movies // dogs or cats // chocolate or vanilla // facebook or instagram// over-dressed or under-dressed // morning or late nights // always late or always early // dancer or singer // always eat only dessert or always eat only savoury // shopping or museum // art gallery or zoo //parties or picnics // white lights or multi-coloured lights

no pressure tags: @pretentiouswreckingball @ablique @doofranch @callmesel @friendofthefrogswastaken :)

saw the post in the screenshot (inside of the screenshot) and it’s the time of year where family is all you have, so…

Light a candle, don't say a prayer for me/Feel alone cause i’m gone

I’m sitting in first period– Algebra. (That’s) when I get the news. Junkie face down in an alleyway. I’ll never see her again. How could you do this to us?

She leaves and leaves. Time and time again. She then wants to come back. But this time there is no seat at the table. For we've all bandaged our hearts, Preemptively prepared for the bleeding. We gave all the time we had. And she took it. Took it and sold it for a cheap blow.

I'm sitting at home. Wondering about all my greatest fears when you tell me again. That fated phone call of the cops, to my uncle, To my grandparents, to my mom, who tells me. She's gone. (Again.) I've had to prepare for it a hundred times, Re-rehearsing my eulogy lines. I don't want her to die. But I know it's coming. The day you'll drop like a fly. And I don't want to be there when you make yourself die.

You've died a thousand deaths. All in my head I'm imagining the worst and sometimes I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn in my sweat stained bed. I don't want to wake up to the news that someone I love is gone. (It's twisted and impersonal- And it all feels wrong) I'm sitting in a pew. I've never liked church. But I'm praying for you. Just. Don't. Die. Please come back home. Don't spend the numbered days away from us. You don't deserve to die alone.

(Okay so, this is all fucked up. And I think I'm almost angry. Like I love her, and I don't wanna judge her, but this just feels like the end, and I'm not ready to lose someone else again. I just wanna see my cousin again. She doesn't deserve this shit. Nobody does. I'm just scared, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll start praying again.)

I’m more of an album guy to be honest, so this is just the stuff I put on repeat—

The Taste Of Ink - The Used

Pete Wentz Is The Only Reason We’re Famous - Cobra Starship

Empty Like The Ocean - Midtown

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part to Save the Scene and Stop Going to Shows) - Fall Out Boy

Alligator Skin Boots  - McCafferty

Thanks for tagging me @youreyesaremyfavoritecolor

no press tags:

@ghostopossumlives, @empty-pools-vacant-alleyways

List five songs you like!

Thx for the tag @bohnerrific69

Talk too much - COIN

Sailor song - Gigi Perez

Sticky - Tyler the Creator

LABOUR - the cacophony - Paris Paloma

Chapstick - COIN

No pressure tags: @jgabriel1920 @theswanqu33nsblog @decafboyfriend @decaf-mother @therealkyspence + anyone else who wants to join