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Fear is not the same as power.
Okay. You made someone scared of you. Cool. Now what?
Do you think that makes you powerful? Do you think it put you above them in some way?
Do you think that you can harm them with fear alone?
Fear can't harm you.
And once you know that, it's a lot easier not to be afraid.
I have decided to kin for fun so i am now a character that I share a name with because he has good taste in hobbies and a massive cock
🧟‍♂️ for the ask game!
It's me. Even when I mask, I've been told a couple times that I come off as too intimidating but especially if I'm not masking or if I'm triggered in a certain way. Assuming I'm not triggered, I see it more as assertiveness than aggression, but if I don't tone it down a lot, it can be jarring for people who are used to a different vibe.
I'm definitely not viewed that way within my system. None of my systemmates are scared of me anymore. They know I'm not going to do anything that would harm us. For a while now, I've also been functioning as a caretaker for our body and for anyone in my system who needs emotional support. So I think most of them see me as a source of safety, not fear. Took time to get there though.
Trying to stop motherfuckers from fronting when they shouldn't is like herding cats I swear to god I'm so fucking done
My system is traumagenic. I'm pretty fucking sure. But I hesitate to say that I have a dissociative disorder. Even though I have been seeing a trauma specialist for almost five years now, my system is open with him about our experiences as far as we are comfortable, he acknowledges us individually, he has helped us work together, and he's told us that if we ever do want to see someone who specializes in dissociative disorders (which he is not, he "just" specializes in PTSD) that he would be happy to refer us.
Our decision with regards to my system is that "it is what it is." I don't have a formal diagnosis and I don't want one. The PTSD diagnosis has been enough to get treated. There's a lot of medicolegal bullshit that can happen from having something so severe in your medical record. Unless my system gets to a point where we feel that even more specialized care is something we need, we don't see any medical reason to pursue that. Frankly this is the first therapist that my system has had overall good rapport with and I don't want to switch. Neither does my host.
I also don't see the existence of my system as something that is disordered by necessity. Our collective trauma is the injury that we need to heal from, not our multiplicity. When I think about what I want for my system, I don't see a future where we disappear or become someone else. I see a future where we are all safe and happy.
Fuck it. I went for it. It's mine now.
I've never had an entire account that's just mine before and that's what we're trying to do with this one now. Going back and forth on if I want to stick to the plan (main blog inactive except for long articles & maybe shit we both like if my host is cofronting/coconscious) or if I want to have different shit on each one.
Like my other one could be art and shitposting & this could be system shit and whatever I don't want to put there. I've been putting system shit on the other one with everything else but I keep going real tag-heavy when I post about that and my theme makes that hard to read. I don't want to change themes because my shit is ~aesthetic~ and I like how it looks.
But I don't know, I feel like it should be ~cohesive~ and if this blog went from my host's Vi thirst traps and whatever else to what I'd be posting then it wouldn't be cohesive at all. Have to decide what to do there. Looking at the posts here up until yesterday and it all feels so "not mine" that I feel weird taking it over. But I don't want to delete it all either. We don't delete each other's shit. So I don't know.
I've never had an entire account that's just mine before and that's what we're trying to do with this one now. Going back and forth on if I want to stick to the plan (main blog inactive except for long articles & maybe shit we both like if my host is cofronting/coconscious) or if I want to have different shit on each one.
Like my other one could be art and shitposting & this could be system shit and whatever I don't want to put there. I've been putting system shit on the other one with everything else but I keep going real tag-heavy when I post about that and my theme makes that hard to read. I don't want to change themes because my shit is ~aesthetic~ and I like how it looks.
But I don't know, I feel like it should be ~cohesive~ and if this blog went from my host's Vi thirst traps and whatever else to what I'd be posting then it wouldn't be cohesive at all. Have to decide what to do there. Looking at the posts here up until yesterday and it all feels so "not mine" that I feel weird taking it over. But I don't want to delete it all either. We don't delete each other's shit. So I don't know.