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Halt: You ever just look back and cry-
Will: Halt, it's okay to miss your childhood-
Halt: -tears of relief that you don't have to deal with that anymore?
Will: ...Halt, are you okay?
Halt: I'm fine, why?
Whatever you do, don't think about how the song "Remember Everything" by Five Finger Death Punch fits Halt and his childhood trauma to a T.
I'm not going to go into a full analysis. I'm not going to go into a full analysis. I'm not going to go into a full-
FULL ANALYSIS AHEAD (disclaimer: "Remember Everything" does not belong to me)
"Dear mother, I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. Dear father, forgive me. Cause in your eyes, I just never added up. In my heart I know I failed you, but you left me here alone."
Halt talks about how Ferris was the favorite child, and how his parents fought all the time. We all know by now about Halt's tendency to blame himself for things (as seen in "The Battle for Skandia" and "Erak's Ransom"). He probably blamed himself for his parents arguing all the time - hell, he literally said that he refused to tell his parents that Ferris was actively trying to kill him because he thought that Ferris was the only thing they cared about and he didn't want to take that away from them. Even though it was his choice, Halt was a kid. He probably felt at least a little bit abandoned and betrayed that his parents didn't seem to even notice anything amiss before Halt ran away.
"If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain? Cause I remember everything."
Something else that is touched on in the fourth book is Halt's tendency to deflect conversations that confront him on his fears and such. It's a fairly offhand note, but it has some pretty big implications. Halt has this need to make sure that everyone else is okay, while simultaneously ensuring that no one ever sees his suffering. He is constantly shielding other people, and feels guilty when he requires that same protection.
"Dear brother, just don't hate me for never standing by you, or being by your side."
I refuse to believe that Ferris was the murderous evil twin from the start. There was probably a very large portion of heir childhood where Halt and Ferris were close, before Ferris became obsessed with the crown. That would be a good reason why Halt only suspected Ferris later on. I feel like Halt would spend a lot of time telling himself that it was something he did that sent Ferris over the edge, and he would blame himself for the betrayal.
"Dear sister, please don't blame me. I only did what I thought was truly right."
I can't be the only one who thinks that Halt always regretted leaving Caitlyn behind, but he knew it was either that or kill Ferris, which is something I don't think he would ever be capable of doing. He loved his twin too much.
"It's a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone."
I know that Halt wasn't technically alone, and he became part of a massive found family, but not being able to tell anyone about the things he went though, and the people he left behind as well as his reasoning would have been isolating - if not crushing - for anyone. Hell, no one knew his real last name or anything about his past for just about 24 years. Not even mentioning the fact that when he finally admits it, he is 41 years old, so he has hidden this for well over half his life, not counting the 17 years he actually lived in Clonmel. That is a long time to carry around huge amounts of trauma without telling anyone who cares about you.
"I feel like running away, I'm still so far from home."
This one is fairly obvious. However, it is not talked about nearly enough that Halt is a runaway. Let that sink in for a second. What do you think of when you hear the term 'runaway' in reference to a child? For most, it's the thought of a kid escaping an abusive household and living on the streets with nothing but a backpack filled with belongings. That was what Halt did at 17. Except he had to go all the way to a foreign country to escape his situation. And the only person he ever saw from home again was the person who had made him leave in the first place.
"I'll burn it all to the ground before I let you in."
This is pretty much Halt's whole philosophy on showing any sort of emotion to people. He didn't smile around Will until months into his apprenticeship, and it took years until he was able to summon the courage to tell Will the truth about his mother. And again, the whole 24 years of absolute secrecy about his childhood doesn't exactly show someone that is willing to open themselves up to others.
"Please forgive me, I can't forgive you now."
Halt still blames himself for the rift between himself and Ferris, but he is also consumed by hurt and betrayal over the fact that Ferris cared more for the crown then he did his own brother, and I can't blame him even a little bit for feeling that way. Especially considering that when they do finally meet up again, Ferris shows no real sign of regret for his actions.
All-in-all, this just feels like a violently Halt-esque song. The pain and regret is something I think his character suffers a lot of, and this captures that really well.
If you made it to the end of that ungodly ramble, kudos to you because holy hell, I think I was temporarily possessed by the god of angst.
Can we just take a moment to realize just how screwed up Halt's apprenticeship was?
First things first, the fact that it was probably only about 2.5 years at most. According to timelines that I have seen worked out by others, and have worked out myself, Halt probably would have been a few months after his 15th birthday when he met Pritchard, and it's pretty bold to assume that they started training together the day they met. When Halt left Clonmel, he said he was around 17 and a half, so that's maybe 2 years of training. Not to mention the fact that he wasn't even living with Pritchard at the time and was also learning how to rule a country. He probably didn't receive much one-on-one training from the renegade rangers, but I could believe that Pritchard picked up the slack again once they met up. But then Pritchard dies. And then Halt gets his silver oak leaf.
what.
But wait, there's more! Not only did Halt receive absolute minimal training time, but he didn't have the proper equipment either. TEY talks about how the only proper equipment he had was a bow, and that everything else was pretty much jury rigged (like his double scabbard). He didn't even get to start training with a proper ranger horse until months after the very end of his official training. He most likely had to practice with either the closest equivalents to ranger tools or Pritchard's sets.
When you really think about it, Halt probably had to learn most of his skills on the job without backup in Redmont.
But, it gets worse.
You may say, "But Void, how can it get any worse?" and I'll tell you.
There are a few events whose timelines have to be adjusted due to Flagagank's inability to remember his own character's ages (*cough cough* Halt's time with the Temujai *cough cough*), and this means that a lot of the really important missions that Halt was sent on early in his career that are mentioned throughout the books - such as stealing the Temujai horses and taking down whoever that one guy with the mace was - all took place as Halt was still trying to make up for the gap in his training.
Let's put a little perspective on it.
Imagine Will for a minute. Now imagine that he didn't start his training for a good 6 months after Choosing Day, and that he didn't live with Halt, but rather with Baron Arald. At the same time he's training with Halt, he's learning how to do Arald's job, while also fending off assassination attempts. Now, a little under halfway through Will's training, make him leave the country and shove him into an active war situation. He and Halt don't get to meet up until about a year later. Then a few months after that, Halt gets McFucking Murdered. Then, make Will a full-fledged ranger and assign him to a fief.
That's exactly what happened to Halt.
Bro.
It's no wonder he's always so hard on his apprentices. Man has no idea what a normal apprenticeship looks like, he was making shit up as he went
Edit: I think Tumblr ate my posts, so we're trying again to see how it goes
Alright, let's go
Marvel - Tony Stark + Peter Parker + Rocket Raccoon
DC - (The Batman with Robert Pattinson is the only DCEU movie I support) Bruce Wayne + Raven
Transformers - (Not Bayverse) Bumblebee + Soundwave + Ratchet + Optimus Prime
Ranger's Apprentice - Halt O'Carrick
Tangled the Series - Eugene Fitzherbert
TMNT 2012/ROTTMNT - Both iterations of Raphael, and 2k12 Donnie
Criminal Minds - Spencer Reid
9-1-1 - Evan Buckley
Leverage - Eliot Spencer
The Walking Dead - Daryl Dixon
Stranger Things - Steve Harrington
Harry Potter - Harry Potter + Severus Snape
Ducktales - Donald Duck + Scrooge McDuck
Race to the Edge - Snotlout Jorgenson
We Bare Bears - Ice Bear
Trolls - Branch
The Mandalorian - Din Djarin
Lego Ninjago - Zane Julien
Rick and Morty - Rick Sanchez
Puss in Boots - Puss
The Owl House - Hunter
Warrior Cats - Firestar + Jayfeather + Gray Wing
Helluva Boss - Moxxie
Hazbin Hotel - Alastor
Yes I am aware that they are all men. No, I do not experience a sexual attraction to them. Rather it's like they are all simultaneously my fathers, my children, and my emotional support babygirls. I want to hurt them purely to see them comforted. I want to watch them struggle mainly to see how they overcome their pains, and I want to see fluff because there is a reason I call them my trauma buddies and I want them to have good things. (I have gay ships for most of them on top of straight ships, on top of no ships, on top of ot3s). I'm sure I'll end up adding to and subtracting from this list as time passes, but this is the most current one.
Also, I will not read or write reader insert or OC-centric fics. I don't know why but they make me irrationally angry so I avoid them