ceramic-feelings

Latest Posts by ceramic-feelings

Norah Jones and Tracy Chapman

Echo the walls of a house I once lived.

Pizza in the oven,

Silverware laid out,

Mama singing out of tune.

Memories used to be comforting

Now there’s nobody home..

being a parent,

it is imperative to

shape your child’s mind

And so it comes around full circle,

I’m having another baby

and my mom must’ve come

to send me a sign that she’s here

because my due date,

is the day she died.

this is a rant, but i feel like i need it.

all of high school i submersed myself

with band

and it was quite competitive, really.

so much self hate,

surrounded by both the kindest people and

the most self-absorbed losers.

i really beat myself up trying to climb the hierarchy.

i even tried to quit when it became

too much to handle.

gaslit into staying, i still felt unwelcome.

i wasn’t necessarily on the bottom, i was

a section leader and was loved by my

section.

i still craved a sense of belonging.

marching didn’t come easily to me,

not like it did for most everyone else.

i couldn’t physically do it and i just figured

maybe i’m not pushing myself like everybody

else?

maybe i’m just lazy and don’t want to put the work in?

but that’s not how i truly felt.

i was going to physical therapy but nothing

was improving.

maybe everybody else is in pain too,

and i’m the only one not pushing through it.

constantly beating myself over the head

and then sitting out for reps.

i really did feel terribly embarrassed.

turns out all along i’ve had a rare genetic

connective tissue disorder.

And what the hell is Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome anyways?

I often wonder what I could’ve done differently

for my friends to have liked me.

I understand why many peeled off when

i had a kid,

but i felt the falling out way before that.

perhaps i get too excited that i drive people away.

it just feels terrible that i don’t have friends

that i can look back on the memories and laugh.

all i feel is hurt.

i’m getting married next year.

i won’t have any bridesmaids

or a maid of honor.

just the strange faces of my siblings

that have also outgrown me,

and the parents i worked so hard to leave.

travis’s family beside mine,

in a broken room

listening to broken music

with our broken families.

i almost would rather not have a wedding.

i have close to nobody

and my only happiness is within travis and niamh.

Small baby girl

still sees the world in color,

how can I teach her to handle the world?

My small, sweet girl,

how come she has to grow up too?

I hold her close to me every moment I can,

but she’s now big enough to play on her own,

little independent.

Sometimes I miss the smaller baby she once was,

still cherishing the baby she is today.

Raising a daughter is scary,

I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing.

Perhaps one day she may be a mom like me, wondering too, how she can raise one of her own.

Painfully drifting

from people I called my best friends.

I reach out my arms

but they don’t see me.

My ship is sinking

and they float on

the way they always did,

just without me.

Looking through old photo albums, feels like reading the life’s story of a familiar stranger.

Someone who once was my person of comfort— memories lost and disconnected in the back of my mind.

If she stood here before me I don’t know if tears would flood my eyes, if I would run for a hug, or if I would feel anything at all.

I don’t remember much about her character— I don’t remember her mannerisms, her fears, or really anything personal about her. All that I have left of her is her favorite flower and her favorite songs.

And I’m sure we would’ve been best friends, but I lost her too soon.

I miss my mom.

What is missed is the lifetime of growing old with her that was taken from me. And I will never have that back.

I will never have my mom.

squirm the herm worm

with no little toes

and no little eyes, and no little nose

a small long body

a body that’s round

that rises occasionally

up out of the ground.

i hid in the shower

with the lights off

holding my hands to my ears

the sound of water becomes muffled

and the tears of the shower are one with my own.

what had once filled me with

a feeling of happiness and satisfaction

has left me with ugly horizontal scars,

many that are still healing.

what once was beautiful red blood

has become pink and white scars,

they now fill my body...

and i feel so ugly.

a grain of sand on the beach

sifted by undulations,

where the ocean can reach—

sinking deeper in the tidal invasion.

the child is homeless

searching for life,

on land that is loamless

and cuts like a knife.

a boy with no friends

living skin and bone

has to make amends;

society’s steppingstone.

Tree hugger☺️

I snuck out last night and made frog bread

The tears trickle down my cheek

And slither down my neck,

Pooling in the crevice of my collarbone

Until they begin the overflow.

~ceramic-feelings

My sweater unravels,

A thread locked around a knob.

As I walk away, my sweater becomes undone,

Back to the single-stringed rope it once was.

~ceramic-feelings

Another plant update, they love the new window spots

We are, indeed, out here creating media.

we are out here, creating media

Dried dandelion flowers 🌻 I will be using them to make dandelion infused oil and a salve, useful for aching muscles/joints and dry skin.

This is so cool

is it possible that plants have consciousness?

this is actually a small sub branch of botany thats been growing and gaining some recognition in the past 5 years or so called plant cognition! we’ve been thinking about if plants can possibly be intelligent to any degree for centuries, but the main paper that started up this huge discussion in the modern era was one called Experience Teaches Plants to Learn Faster and Forget Slower in Environments Where It Matters by Monica Gagliano, a plant researcher in Australia who specializes in it. because the results indicated that plants were possible of learning and retaining information in a kind of memory in response to environmental changes, it received a lot of backlash and denial- generally in science, that kind of intelligent reaction to an organism’s environment is a good indicator of cognitive behavior in the organism. it got rejected by 10 different journals before being published in 2014. 

the experiment worked like this. i’ve talked before about mimosa pudica, a tropical plant that curls its leaves back when touched (they go back to normal in a few minutes):

this is to help deter predators among other things. but in this experiment, Gagliano used it as an indicator of stimulus and to test cognitive function. It’s well known that pudica has a rudimentary nervous system that can even be temporarily inhibited using anesthetics (just like ours can!). she hooked up a ton of these plants in pots to identical rail systems that allowed them to be lightly dropped in an identical way, juuuuust heavy enough to trigger the stimulus so all the leaves drop down when they hit the bottom (a piece of foam so they wouldn’t actually hurt the plants). every time the plants would be dropped, they would close up. 

but after the plants were dropped about 60 times each, they stopped responding to the drop. 

they remembered that no harm was coming from this action and decided that it was against their best interests to keep expending energy closing their leaves. they 200% learned to stop. 

she decided to test it further. she put some of the plants in a shaker and let them receive a more jarring response; the plants closed up as usual. then, she put them back in the droppers and dropped them again. they didn’t close up. they had remembered that response. this dispels the obvious rebuttal to this experiment of the plants just being tired; they still closed up when stimulated differently.

they just chose not to close up when they hit a stimulus they remembered. 

it turns out that not only could they remember to keep their leaves open when dropped on the apparatus, but they remembered after 28 days when she kept testing it!! apparently by the end of the experiment, all the plants had decided to keep their leaves open when dropped!!!!

how do they do this?? we literally dont know. they have no central brain, only a basic nervous system. can other plants do this??? 

well, adding onto that, venus fly traps can count! like. they have three hairs inside their traps, and all three must be touched within 20 seconds for the trap to close. once closed, those three trigger hairs must continue to be stimulated by thrashing prey, or the trap will reopen. 

so yeah like. basically ‘are they sentient’: apparently to an extent???? we dont know exactly why or how but they are??? maybe???? sort of????? at least some of them are?? but they dont have a brain so everyones like????????????????????? maybe its through a signaling network????????????????? but like how would that even work?????????

plant consciousness is still new enough to be dismissed as crazy by a lot of biologists but like. the evidence is there. we don’t know a whole lot and its clearly a radically different kind of intelligence than we know in animals, but it’s there and we 200% dont know how it works yet or even the full extent of how plants use this intelligence (for example: does a redwood have the same intelligence as a venus fly trap?? how does it learn things and use that knowledge???) 

national geographic wrote an awesome article visualizing the experiment here if you want to read more!

You have a nice chest. You should show it off more in your photo posts here.

My chest?

You mean like this?

I guess this was kind of cute, but it would be too narcissistic of me to post on my Instagram lmao

You DO have some amazing hips...

Wow thanks! I totally use them when I walk

me n rob

Crush.

your heart a flower,

encapsulated by my

shielded garden walls.

~ceramic-feelings

<3

War

Relentless thick walls

Divide our society in half,

Blue skies are enveloped

By melancholy clouds.

We're deeply enmeshed in this war,

That can only be demolished

When we can

Coexist in consonance.

~ceramic-feelings

:')

You don't notice

The everlasting sorrow

That's drowning out

The life in my eyes.

I'm weeping inside,

But you're only seeing

Soft flesh

Carrying a fabric

That lays loosely over my body.

I am but merely an item,

That had been claimed

The moment you rest your body

Against mine.

All my self worth plummeted

In a matter of seconds,

And I have never felt so ashamed.

~ceramic-feelings

Reflection

The water from the reservoir

Is entirely stagnant.

As I hover the water,

The eyes of my reflection rendezvous.

In that moment I began to apprehend

That I truly looked demoralized.

The tears from my cheeks cascade,

And the still of the water is interrupted.

The soft undulations ripple away

Along with the depiction of my reflection

That had scarred the human psyche.

~ceramic-feelings

Road Haiku?

The street gets narrow.

As I skim the horizon,

Cars disseminate.

~ceramic-feelings