Latest Posts by cosmiccowboystuddies - Page 6

So turns out…..you guys are not gonna believe this…….but it turns out. Reading real books. Is good for you actually.

i have no assigments and no tests to study for. wtf? im free? 100% free? i will wake up tomorrow and think "what do i have schedule to do today?" and there will be absolute nothing? insane

[5.06]

Recently I've been shockingly productive. My last final exam is tomorrow and I am cautiously optimistic about it. For all my other exams I was kind of nervous, but for this exam I am cautiously confident. This morning I even got dressed and put on a cute outfit and styled my hair. I am going to make a personal end of year wrap up tomorrow, as well as college tips. I worked on a few writing projects and finished my crochet skirt, and am very proud of the person that I've become, even though it was a little late in the semester to change, but better late than never.

today I: studied 2 hours washed sheets write 1000 words organized my writers notebook read my book

also still looking for mutuals if anyone wants to reach out, i love talking to people!

I’ve recently discovered that doing self care/maintenance tasks is way easier when you personify the rambunctious/unproductive thought patterns in your brain, especially when you make them fictional characters.

example: if anyone asks, I’m not going to clean my room, I’m helping Ink clean his room because he’s having a bit of a time right now.

works wonders.

"It was like sitting at the edge of the world."

The Outsiders, S.E Hinton

musings on may

Franz Kafka Diaries, 1914-1923 | Felix Vallotton, The Dordogne with Carrenac (1925) | Vera Brittain, “Because You Died: Poetry and Prose of the First World War and After” | Jin Xingye | Haruki Murakami, "Norwegian Wood" | Jin Xingye

support my blog

the end of the semester is here!

its nearing the end of my first year of college, and i take my final exam in 2 days, so today was a day of productivity

took out trash started a new book cleaned the bathroom studied finished the final paper took an exam organized my playlist registered for summer classes

I feel so called out

the great gatsby / kentucky route zero / koe no katachi / disco elysium / omori / night in the woods / homestuck / koe no katachi / l'étranger / disco elysium / firewatch / john dies at the end / everything everywhere all at once / the subtle art of not giving a f*ck

i love the secret history so much. francis and henry are out there admitting they’ve murdered someone and i’m here giggling at how bitchy and mean girl-like they sound when talking about bunny

henry’s LITERALLY like: well richard the thing is we murdered some farmer or whatever while having a sex ritual and bunny found out about it so he got into my apartment to wait until we got back. which is fine because who cares right i mean we were pretty busy since we had so much cleaning up to do but that BITCH also ate my ice cream and let it melt all over my oriental rug and now it is ruined forever UGH can you believe him

"Some things are too terrible to grasp at once. Other things - naked, sputtering, indelible in their horror - are too terrible to really grasp ever at all."

A Secret History, Donna Tart

A Secret History, otherwise known as what the fuck Richard

(the last few bullet points will be talking about CSA so if that triggers you or makes you uncomfortable, don't read this)

Hi pookies, sorry for being awol, I've been prepping for finals, as well as annotating a secret history, and I had some thoughts I felt like sharing.

first of all fuck Henry

Bunny being the one to say " to live forever" is the definition of being doomed by the narritive

there is no version of the story where bunny lives, and by him being the one who says that, is in a way a challenge to Henrey

Richard opens the book by claiming to be a good liar, and in every situation where he lies he does it horribly is the funniest thing ever

Henry was a budding serial killer, and I think that by the simple fact of giving poor Charles those pills

I also don't think Bunny was as bad as the group made him out to be. Richard is obviously a self-admitted unreliable narrator, but I really don't think Bunny was as bad as they were making him out to be

sure he was probably really annoying, but the week before his death I don't think he was being purposely antagonistic but acting afraid

and in a sense when Richard found out about the murder, that was bunny signing his death certificate.

i think Henry was always going to kill Bunny, he was just waiting for a good enough excuse

when Jullian left Henry started decompensating like a serial killer, and that's why he lost control when talking to Charles

and while it is clearly the best choice to send Fransis to the police, Henry tells Charles to go because Charles is easy to manipulate

i think Fransis is obviously disalutioned by Henry from the beginning of the book, while Charles and Richard were still drinking the Kool-aid

Camilla is obviously romantisized by Richard, and I think that in all reality he probably viewed women in a simmular way Bunny did

in Camilla's descriptions she is often barefoot, and he makes note to mention that during the act of the murder she wasn't present

he also compares most women to Marion a person he thinks is too stupid and girly

people forget how physically imposing henry is, by Richard describing him it almost infantilizes him, in a way.

he is physically imposing which made him look odd, but he lifted camila with great ease, and lifts weight despite is limp

i think he hurt camilla by pulling out her hair, and hurting her wrist

i feel bad for bunny because while he was teetering over the edge he must have been so afraid

richard and henry could have been the same under slightly different circumsances

camilla is not as oblivious to things as people belive she is, obviously she is a victim, but the narrative implies that she is for lack of a better term, not completely innocent

she is a victim of her circumstances, but not completely innocent

richard clings to the group because they are every thing he wanted to

henry killed himself to achieve some fucked up version of godhood.

fransis is the most complex character because by the end of the book we feel bad for him despite taking advantage of 2 of the other characters in the book

he is also clearly in love with Charles but yk

CSA TW BELOW

okay so i think its pretty clear that Charles is a CSA victim

he very clearly has an eating disorder, and a alcohol problem which Fransis exacerbates by getting him drunk and hooking up with him frequently

not only that but he is really dependent on his friendships and is constantly paranoid that they are talking about him, but needs constant reassurance like a child

but also when bunny is making digs at the group, he starts talking about the preversions of the catholic church, i don't think that group cared, nor do i belive that any of them are particularly religious, but I do belive that Bunny was making a dig about Charles being molested by a preist

and if that's the case than his ultimate outcome makes the most sense,

that also makes sense why he would frequently sleep with camilla and fransis

feel free to message me so we can chat about it... this book has recently become my greatest obsession, or we can chat in the comments.

so i just read a secret history, and Richard what the fuck?

I cannot stress this enough- Build a routine. Build Habits. Wake up every day and get used to being productive, one day at a time. Do this for long enough and eventually you’ll be at your goal without even realising it. 

[04.29]

hey pookie bears. i'm actually very proud of myself despite the fact that i didn't do much. I did a lot in my mind though. Little life update, I started talking to a man (Ik its gross), and I thought we made a connection but then he invited me over to 'watch a movie' so I guess not. I started lifting weights, and my thighs are sore but in a good way. I kind of want more internet friends so dm and tell me about your day if you want :)

what i did today: annotated a secret history oiled my hair finished taking notes ate lunch went to the gym played badminton drink 3 bottles of water from my nalgene wrote 1000 words

i want more friends, so if you like horses or books or anime dm or just need someone to talk to hmu

[4.25]

sorry I went kind of awol... been having some trouble finding the time for this, dove headfirst into a knew writing project and exam season is kicking my ass. i also fucked up my neck pretty bad, litterly getting out of bed or some reason.

what i did today did laundry filmed speech wrote took notes studied

hard work? at least put in the work!

as my mom once said to me:

"forget hard work! at least do work"

please, for some of us, talking about "hard work" is far away for us. so forget about working hard. what about just working? not working hard, just doing at least something for your future, yourself, your family. or are you okay with being a huge disappointment to others and yourself?

just doing the bare minimum at least for yourself! you don't have to go over the top or make it so hard for you. at least put in the bare minimum so you don't have to live the worst life. okay?

doing at least 5 pushups + 5 squats a day

studying a bit for exams

saying one affirmation of self-love a day

if someone talks to you, don't try to run away from the convo.

all this isn't hard. its just what every human being should be able to you (not talking about anyone with disabilities, thats a different case). okay?

the first step to this would be to reduce the amount of screentime everyday. i don't care if its "educational" or "self improvement", thats all bs. whats actually gonna make a difference is that instead of tricking your brain into thinking you're doing something or telling yourself "i'll work my hardest tomorrow", you don't work your hardest today but you work.

putting in little effort is still putting in effort.

i know that a lot of you are gonna be like "no but i believe in myself that i can put hard work into something i care about!" so okay. good job for believing in yourself, love that. but... are you actually gonna do it? or are you going to continue to sit and watch "educational" "self improvement" videos because it distracts and tricks you into thinking that this is hard work?*

*don't get me wrong, of course if you used to be a person who scrolled a bunch of nonsense, the first step would of course be to change what you consume into something better. but there comes a limit where you have to actually get up and put in the work. simply changing what you consume isn't all you need to do. theres more steps to improving your life. just like when you start with a new skill; in the beginning you may start with something very simple and easy for you to do. but once that becomes your "comfort zone" (as in very/ much easy to do), you need to move to something that challenges you more. otherwise, you never grow.

sure, believing that you are capable of doing it is certainly the first step of almost anything, but believing isn't just enough. you gotta actually do it. you don't earn my respect by "believing you can do it" (what are you, a toddler?) but by actually executing your plan. and for most of us, it turns out that our definition of "hard work" is actually just watching "self improvement" all day.

so what am i implying here? :

if you believe you can actually do the hard work, then do it. do not waste another second on self improvement videos (remember; those are just meant as a guide, a starter. a place for advice). if however, you find that you finally realise that hard work isnt just watching self improvement videos and having to actually do something, then shut up with the hard work. at least do work.

xoxo, vanilla.

'Cause if I just vanished, do you think you'd manage? Or would you disappear right beside me? Do you think you're ready when I go unsteady? Lover, please prepare for my absence

“Though I remembered now. What was in them was promise. They dealt in transformations; they suggested an endless series of possibilities, extending like the reflections in two mirrors set facing one another"

"Sometimes the hardest part of leaving is not the journey ahead but the goodbye we leave behind."

Absence Song by Rio Romeo, Geto and Gojo from JJK, Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale, All the Young Dudes" by Mott the Hoople

sleeping my problems away in a richard papen way

books, books, and more books

THE NIGHTSTAND PILE

The Foxhole Court

5 Survive

All Your Twisted Lies

If We Were Villains

CURRENT TBR

Everything I Never Told You

Hench

The Hunger Games Trilogy

Song Of Achillies

A Good Girls Guide To Murder

No Longer Human

Good Girl Bad Blood

Of Mice and Men

The Girls I've Been

Freak The Mighty

Dune

A Song of Ice and Fire

The Raven Boys Trilogy

NEED TO ANNOTATE

A Secret History- Donna Tart

Taming the Star Runner- S.E Hinton

Rumblefish- S.E Hinton

NEED TO REREAD

The Outsiders- S.E Hinton ( Writing Style, Diction, and narrations, and Structure)

If We Were Villians- ML Rio (Genre Analysis, Structure and Literary Devices)

WANT TO READ NEXT

The Sunshine Court

All The Young Dudes

Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke

A Little Life

Anne of Green Gables

The Idealist

Dark Rise

Six of Crows

Little Fires Everywhere

Neon Gods

Red Queen

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

normalize reading a book without caring if the spine breaks, folded cover, misspelled annotations and just ruining the book completely as a form of art

How many times do I have to tell society that I'm most productive at 2am

Isn't it odd how much fatter a book gets when you've read it several times? As if something were left between the pages every time you read it. Feelings, thoughts, sounds, smells... and then, when you look at the book again many years later, you find yourself there too.. a slightly younger self, slightly different, as if the book had preserved you like a pressed flower... both strange and familiar.

- Cornelia Funke, The Inkheart

sorry for romanticising the mundane. i have little else

[4.17]

today I: went to the barn took notes finished speech outline sewed sleeves went to a meeting wash and folded clothes wrote 800 words registered for classes

for my daily allotted complaining time, I had to wake up at 4AM to register for classes, and then at around 11, I went to the barn for practice, which went well, until it was time to turn the horses out and one escaped, so me and the coach spent the better part of an hour attempting to catch a runaway horse, and while I wanted nothing more than to shower and spend the rest of the day in bed, I didn't let myself wallow in the embarrassment of what happened, I showered, and made myself tick things off a now manageable to-do list

[4.16]

today I: drunk 3 bottles of water ate 3 meals got advised sewed a dress studied organized writing projects journaled

It's only Tueday, and I end the day with a horrible uncomfortable feeling. It's like someone is gently tugging at my heart, and it only makes me feel all wrong, like something bad is about to happen. I can't do anything about it but sleep it off I guess, but at least I end the day knowing that I managed to be somewhat productive. I have a lower grade in one of my classes then I thought, and though I'm passing, I'm not doing as well as I hoped. That's to be expected considering how I procrastinated on every assignment at the beginning of the semester, though there is no use in dwelling on what I could have done better, just doing better. So I am doing better now by working on my assignment even though it is due next week. I go to bed early because Tomorrow I have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to register for classes and sign up for summer classes.