Latest Posts by eos-lies-to-you - Page 8

"Qui-gon traumatised Obi-wan!!"

Bold of you to assume that Obi-wan Kenobi did not immediately turn around and traumatise him back. Obi-wan does not have daddymaster issues his master has padawan issues.

He returns from MelidaDaan with the power of being 14 (derogatory) and excessive weaponry on his side. Qui-gon's being called by the teachers cause his padawan is teaching the other kids how to make shivs and also unionise. He's sneaking off to the lower levels to hustle sabbac games in order to buy tiny blasters he can keep in his tunics and boots.

When Xantos breaks in to the temple Obi-wan tells him that it's frankly embarassing for him to have had Qui-gon Jinn of all people living rent free in his head for so many years.

A happier galaxy where the disaster lineage is somewhat less on fire constantly and senior padawan Obi-wan has developed a fixation on Mandalorians:

Sometimes Feemor regretted just how much he had given away when he had spent 5 expensive months bribing a traumatised Obi-wan to call him brother when he was 14. His dignity, for one, his access codes and shadow cloaking techniques, another. So he had a very dignified reaction when he was awoken to the shine of his younger brother's eyes in the dark at the foot of his bed. "I wou-stop screaming it's just me-I would like a Mandalorian. How do I procure one?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

Obi-wan scowled as if Feemor was being difficult, he wasn't, he wasn't quite awake enough for that yet. "You're a shadow, you're supposed to know things."

Ah, if being a shadow granted you the secrets of the universe instead of just a great many planetary governments, Feemor wouldn't spend so much time wondering what dark rituals Dooku had committed to result in Qui-gon Jinn. (He already knew what regular rituals Qui-gon had committed to result in Obi-wan)

"I know that I'm about to punt you out of my room right now."

"...My birthday is coming up, I believe I deserve compensation for all the traumas."

Obi-wan's eyes were very big now. Feemor sighed. He flopped back down into bed. He resisted the urge to pull his blankets back up and roll over. 'Oh sure when it's time to see mind healers everything's fine but now-'

"Shouldn't you be asking Master then?"

"Master would not approve of how I plan to use the Mandalorian."

He squinted at Obi-wan for a long moment. Obi-wan stared back. He did some quick mental maths and tried not to feel old. Eh. Fine. Feemor swung his legs out of bed. "You had me at 'Master wouldn't approve'."

"Do you think I could get one by walking into little Keldabe and asking very nicely?"

As it turns out, yes he could. A few too many in fact, apparently Jedi, their ancestral enemy, in the Mando district attracted attention, who knew? Feemor knew, Feemor would have known if only he had been properly awake when this semblence of a plan was proposed. He stalked through the cantina towards Obi-wan who was leaning slightly forwards against a pillar, ah...speaking, to a Mandalorian with painted orange armour while surrounded by a larger crowd of Mandos. At least they seem mostly amused. He ignored the youngers squawk as he yanked the back of his robes so that he moved away from the Mandalorian and spun him around.

"You cannot solve centuries of animosity by batting your eyelashes."

"I'm not batting my eyelashes " Obi-wan sniffed," I'm shaking my ass, there's decidedly more effort involved."

"I miss when I was an only child." Feemor sighed deeply. He used the force to scruff the neck of Obi-wan's robes and dangle him slightly in the air. He ignored the shouting from beside him and bowed politely to the staring Mandos. "My apologies for the disturbance, this will not happ-" He considered his brother who was now yelling out his personal comm code with a wink. " Please excuse us, this very probably will happen again, we shall workshop it. May the force be with you all."

I don't have a fully planned AU but it is Codywan!!! cause I love those bitches but have some more dialogue I came up with for this AU. I'm imagining them both as like 20-23, Obi's close to knighthood. He's still a padawan for this because I think him causing Qui-gon headaches is funny. Feemor fully thinks this complicated courtship dance Obi's created is funny, he likes studying his little brother like a bug, he just wasn't prepared for him to just waltz into little kelbade and start hitting on people, though he really should have been.

Hand wavy timeline with Jaster alive but the clones are still clones, Jango was kidnapped and held in stasis or something, Jaster claimed them as Mandos. This is really just about Obi's first and biggest diplomatic achivement being friendly Jedi-Mando relations purely cause he was in his thot era. This also somehow saves the galaxy from the sith.

I like to imagine that Cody's brothers recorded that little exchange between Fee and Obi on their helmets and uploaded it online where it went viral on MandoNet before going viral galaxywide because wait holy shit is that a Jedi saying that????. Qui-gon gets called in for a very weird meeting where the council's like ok so the entire holonet has seen your padawan being horny on main but also this is like the biggest jump in our diplomatic relationship with the Mandos in centuries so like can we keep this up somehow? This results in Obi-wan being holonet famous, first through vode recordings but then he starts a space tumblr and twitter account and he's famous now. Then his friends and other jedi start accounts because wait we're allowed to do that? and those become big as well and this is literally the best PR the jedi have had in hundreds of years. the holonet loves them. the sith are fuming.

Obi-wan, scoffing: What were they gonna do? Shoot me? Feemor: Yes. Obi-wan: I don't believe in blasters. Bly: ...like as a concept...? Obi-wan: No, spiritually.

Obi-wan: I'm sure there's a nice Mandalorian we can find for you Feemor: I'm not sure those 2 words belong together Obi-wan: No of course not, we can't find a nice one, then they'd be all alone, we need to find an absolute bastard of one so that you two match :)

Obi-wan: Oh so Master gets to take in pathetic life forms but I don't? This one's already domesticated! Wolffe: Debatable. Feemor: Cody's a person! Not a stray tooka! Obi-wan: Master takes in stray people all the time! That's how he got me!

Qui-gon: How do you explain this behaviour Padawan ? Obi-wan: The force pushed me towards the Mandalorians Master, it was quite insistent on me developing better relations with them given our difficult history. Feemor: Fascinating, please do elaborate, I'd love to hear the theological implications of a force-assigned kink.

Through out your posts you indicate that you head-canon Rex as gay, but who’s he got a crush on and or how’d he figure it out?

he likes anakin. hes not happy about it either lmao

Gorgonocephalidae

When the entire sequel trilogy could’ve been avoided by canon DinLuke

Ben: Wow cool helmet Uncle Din, can I try it on?

Din: Sure kid

Ben: *puts on the force resistant beskar helmet* Wow! I can’t hear the evil voice in my head telling me “I should do murder” anymore!

Luke, Han, and Leia: …the what?

Fox: Quin annoyed me today so I told him I can't wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow.

Cody: But there's nothing special about tomorrow and you hate pompous displays of affection

Fox: No, but there is something special about watching the color leave his face as panic sets in

Cody: Kriff

Perfectly Comfy

god. hades saying, "ask me for sanctuary" after percy talks about kronos hits like a truck when you remember that he tried to do the same for maria, bianca, and nico.

I think overall we are not fully utilizing Tim Drake's origin as a weird super hero fanboy/stalker for it's full comedic potential.

Jason talking about his Robin days: The look on that guy's face when he was beaten by child. I wish I had a picture.

Tim: I do.

Jason: You what?

Tim: have a picture.

Jason: ....

Tim: Would you like to see?

Jason:.... yes.

Dick over the phone: can you pick something up from Titans tower for me? I'm really busy. It's in the vault the password is ********.

Tim: You haven't changed it in 5 years? That's terrible security!

Dick: ...I didn't know you 5 years ago??

Tim: You also put the code in in plain view of the window. You should really pull the blinds down.

Dick: After you get that can you please get therapy?

"Strange," Hux said. "Millie hates other people. She's afraid of them, but that's understandable," he stammered. "You're the first one she came to."

Kylo gently lifted the cat and felt his heart skip a beat. He looked into the cat's eyes - the left one was green and the right gray and that part of his witch essence wich usually just knew things gave him the answer.

"That's because she's... mine. Like..." He looked at Hux differently. "You are both mine."

Reverstober

male witch!Hux and his little bit dead boyfriend

Sometimes it's difficult to understand if the Force is testing him or if IT really wants something. Most often it is just a hum of voices in his head, day and night, morning and evening. Mumbling about the ship, noise about the stars, some nervous laughter. 

This officer thinks your hair looks funny! 

killhimkillhimkillhimkillhimkillhimkillhimkillhim 

no one gonna laught again!

no one

should

Snoke said he would be needed on this ship. From here, it will be easier to look for the remnants of the Jedi Order when a new vision comes to him. He's probably right.

Hux rushes through the corridors like a black wave. He takes his place in the assembly hall - it may have been someone else's place, but now it is his. To the right and left of him are people in uniform. They grumble about something of their own.

The noise in his ears grows. Hux folds his hands in prayer. Oh, the Force, he sleeps so little because of your trials, he should forget himself for a few hours...

The officers don't stops their talks.

"Shut up!" a voice booms over them.

And silence reigns.

Hux freezes, surprised. He is shocked by this silence. For the first time in years, all voices... all imaginary mouths closed. On someone else's orders.

He lifts his head to look at the general. A tall - big - man in black looks at the audience with displeasure.

Hux's heart takes one beat less.

They’re both complete messes.

commission art for @drinkysketch

Time to dance all evening and all night!

🔄

KYLO (muttering): I bet Grandfather never had to deal with this kind of short-sighted bureaucracy... HUX: Mmhm. Keep going, I'm sure you'll be very comfortable on the couch tonight.

This funny little tidbit was inspired by @wisekrakenwise putting together Lego 'Darth Vader's Meditation Chamber' this afternoon. And we went 'of course Kylo would want one of those!'

Initiate Clone AU

Council: *confusedly ranting at Qui-Gon about how he has the nerve to go and change time of all the things, completely ignoring the worst case scenario he just laid out in front of them*

Qui-Gon: *ignoring them entirely while somehow feeding both Anakin and Obi-Wan at the same time, probably helped out because Rex and Cody are trying to hold the babies for him anyways*

Obi-Wan: *absolutely blissfully peaceful because Master is smiling at him and giving him attention*

Council member: -and to top it off, you’re not even going to be here to deal with the consequences-

Qui-Gon: *looks up finally, annoyed* Well maybe I would actually BE in the temple for one if none of you felt the need to constantly send me and my YOUNG, FRAGILE padawan to parts unknown!

Other council member: *rolls her eyes* Not only do you LIKE that, but you thrive off being able to bully government officials.

Qui-Gon: *delicate sniff like that’s completely below him* Well, stop it. I’m retiring. I’m tired of solving the galaxy’s problems. Time to fix the mess that is our order.

Council: *feels great fear*

Rex: *snuggling up to Qui-Gon’s side cause he’s starting to like this man*

Cody: *fully in his lap because Cody has come to love this man through a form of Stockholm Syndrome that was hell the first time, he doesn’t feel like going through it again*

Qui-Gon: *the smuggest Master in the whole order, because baby cuddles*

Plo: *probably the second smuggest Master in the order, because baby Wolffe cuddles*

Qui-Gon: Anyways, it would be best if you could restrict me and the little ones to the temple for now. I’ll take charge of their schooling, enroll them in the classes they need. Won’t that be fun, you’ll finally be able to tell me what to do for once.

Yoda: Do what you will, you will no doubt.

Qui-Gon: *perking up a little* You’re right. Absolutely right. A restriction won’t stop me, so best to just play along while I’m fairly harmless.

Council member: Play along? With you becoming an in-temple busybody?

Qui-Gon: Exactly. Play along, or I’ll be an even bigger thorn in your side, yes I will *cooing now while looking down at Obi-Wan’s little face*

Council: *more fear*

Now that I have experience with doing extensive research, the headcanon that Jaster desperately wants to get into the Jedi Archives for research purposes for Mandalorian history becomes more hilarious and more understandable.

I bet you that everyone close to him is sick of hearing him bemoan about not being allowed in just to study the writings of Terre Vizsla for a personal project of his (maybe even studying how Terre would combine old Mandalorian with whatever is old basic bc he’s a linguistic geek) and just find him a Jedi who will marry him to make him stop complaining 😂

Jon Antilles fica are my favorite lol

Short Jango doodles I made about a year ago but forgot about

The two speaking are Jaster and Jon Antilles (fuelled by wonderful rarepair authors on ao3)

Jaster Mereel, holorecording: Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Jaster Mereel, Mand'alor and humble student of history. I know that you are powerful, mighty Master Nu, and that your anger with my people must be equally powerful. I seek an audience with Your Greatness to bargain for entrance into your Jedi Archives. With your wisdom, I'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant confrontation. As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift: these two historical jetii'kade from my own Keldabe Archives, along with their provenances. Both are in working condition and will serve you well. Jocasta Nu: oh neat, free grad student!

So many jangobi fics involve Obi-Wan bonding fast with Boba or saving Boba or other mandalorian children and endearing himself to Jango but like where's the reverse. Wheres the fic where Jango saves preteen Padawan Anakin, and goes "well this is a baby Jedi but he's kinda funny and wicked smart even tho he's a mouthy lil shit, okay I vibe with him I'll help him get home i guess".

Anakin is wary of him bc bounty hunters were often employed by the hutts but also Jango used to be a slave he knows how to connect with him and speak with him. Absolute chaos is had.

Obi-Wan is in full panic mode bc his Padawan is gone, and he's probably not /quite/ stable yet, ready to tear the galaxy apart to find his kid. He has mixed feelings about this smirky Mandalorian but... Well he did save Anakin, and Anakin doesn't like people that much that fast that often.

fic idea I'll probably?? write someday

I know the general consensus when it comes to mandalorians/jedi ships are that the mandos would be the pushy borderline partners that kindap their jedi darlings. But I like the idea of a fic where the jedis kidnap the mandos. Like, Obi-Wan is out on a mission and he ends up getting separated from Anakin. Cue panicking but he still works the mission hoping to save his padawan.

Meanwhile Jango is working a job and comes across free ad! He's pretty excited about it until he realizes that this ad he's found is in face a jedi!! He promptly tracks down the wayward padawan's master and returns Anakin, all the while, taking down enough bad guys to make Obi-Wan's mission a rousing success. Obviously very happy, Obi-Wan invites Jango back to the temple so that the other Jedi can show their appreciation. He's invited to spar with a few of the older masters. And Jocasta is especially happy to gain some insight into Mandalorian culture. The room Jango is staying in stops being a guest room and instead becomes Mister Fett's quarters.

It gets to the point that Jaster has to send a unit of mandalorians to go and retrieve his son. But much to their confusion, they were greeted with open arms by the Jedi. Each guest finds something to do. And the Jedi are all too excited to provide hot tea and home baked pastries for their cool new warrior friends. Especially when they find out that every mando warrior comes pre-equipped with light saber sparring skills. When Jaster has finally had enough he heads on over ready to make a big fuss. Only to be greeted with open arms. The Jedi certainly aren't forcing anyone but you try saying no to Master Windu's handmade sweet breads. Jaster has to return to Mandalore, of course. Reluctantly the rest of the Mando agree to go. And for a while, that's the way that it is. Until Obi-Wan shows up on Mandalore claiming to be there on a research mission. More Jedi show up. They don't leave. There are padawans toddling around keldabe. Yoda and Mace have begun an intense rivalry with Mando elders over who can make the best tea. Half-way through planning a new Jedi temple Jaster realizes that he's been kidnapped by a culture filled with crazy reckless anti-christs.

So Jaskier, completely shitfaced, is sitting somewhere on the dirty floor near a tavern in Oxenfurt, when he meets Vesemir for the first time.

He instantly recognizes the old witcher and loudly calls him over, something along the lines of "Hey! Hey you- you, wolf! Papa wolf! Yeah, come on, I need to have a word with you about your son. The- the stupid one-"

Vesemir is obviously not amused, but he comes over nonetheless because for some reason that drunk kid knows him.

Then, Jaskier proceeds to ramble on about Geralt and it gets very close to trash talk, but Vesemir keeps his cool and reads in between the lines. What he finds out is this: Geralt - who up to this point had been his favorite - had somehow managed to break this poor kid's heart, not once, not twice but "at least five times". Said kid had apparently "spent more than half of his life" following his son like a lost puppy. He mumbles something about elves and djinns and then tells this elaborate tale of a golden dragon. "And then he left me on a fucking mountain!" Vesemir for his part would have not believed any of this, if the name Yennefer hadn't fallen. Many of the unreasonable things Geralt does are related to Yennefer.

The old witcher then takes a closer look at the sod on the floor and oh yes, didn't Geralt say something about a bard?

Then suddenly the kid stops mid sentence as if remembering something important. He waves at one of the other young men and loudly asks "Oi Mikael, is there- is there class tomorrow!?" Vesemir doesn't show it but he's kind of shocked. The drunk kid is clearly a student at the Academy, way too young to be traveling with a witcher. What ln earth is Geralt thinking?!

When the other man, for some reason looking as shocked as Vesemir feels, answers the kid's question with "yes", the bardling seems to sober up by a lot. He staggers up, wishes Vesemir a good night and starts to stumble towards Oxenfurt Academy, quickly followed by the other student.

The last thing Vesemir hears before they walk out of side is how the student asks the bard "Does that mean we won't have to write that test tomorrow, professor?"

Professor. Vesemir needs a break.

Geralt, pushing Jaskier behind him: The Bard meant no disrespect.

Jaskier, looking directly into a local lord’s eyes: No, I absolutely did.

Fic Prompts: Star Wars Wednesday

Most of the bunker was still standing when the storm finally passed. Rogue Squadron picked themselves up, groaning and cursing and generally despairing of finding their ships, and took stock of the situation. They still had the stolen list of Black Sun’s contacts, and they still had the informant, so that was alright.

Wedge pried open the door and took a deep breath of rain-cleansed air. The clouds had passed, the sun was shining, and….there was a super star destroyer hovering over the city. Wedge grimaced and turned back to the Squadron.

“Luke, your dad’s here,” he sighed.

Everyone groaned.

“Is it too late to feign death until he goes away?” Wes asked.

Luke squinted, then nodded. “Yep. Sorry, guys. I’ll meet you at the rendezvous point.”

Cal may have started off shy, but Obi-wan was pretty sure that was purely based on walking in to find his thesis advisor face down on his desk.

short panel strip for @shortcuts-make-long-delays's cwrb fic 'sourdough: flour, water, and starting over' which, as well as being a hilariously clever and super adorable codywan piece, has this mentorship scene between Cal & Obi-Wan that made me positively melt.

Prompt:

Instead of Dick or Tim, Red Hood straight up goes for kidnapping Bruce Wayne and keeping him hostage just to see how desperate the birds get in trying to find him.

It’s a foolproof plan. Batman won’t blow his cover unless absolutely necessary, and “Brucie” would never know how to slip away from a crime lord of Red Hood’s caliber. It’s foolproof. It’s perfect. Jason can keep dropping hints and make threats towards the birds and watch Bruce squirm without consequences if he plays this right.

But then “Brucie” keeps begging him not to hurt his kids…

Another day with the 501st

[Anakin underneath his ship doing some maintenance as he hears the distant sounds of chaos]

Anakin: Huh. Maybe I should help with that… nah, Rex usually has it handled. They fear him more than me anyway.

[Rex charges into the hangar, spots Anakin, and wrenches him out from under his ship]

Rex: Help me wrangle our kids or so help me I will get a transfer.

Anakin: … yes, sir.