gyaruguy111

Latest Posts by gyaruguy111

Friendly reminder that the living things around you deserve respect just as much as you do.

The spider doesn't know that your house is your house or that any land is off limits at all.

The deer doesn't know that there are roads stripped out daring it to die. It only knows that it needs to cross the earth to get to another part of the earth.

The mouse doesn't know that a kitchen isn't where it's supposed to be. It doesn't know that it isn't supposed to eat the food on the ground it scurried across.

The fly doesn't know that touching your food is wrong. It knows feeding and staying fed. The same as we all do.

Lving things besides humans don't owe humans getting out of the way. Be mindful of the dead rabbit in the road. It ate crop and lived as you did. The only thing it lacked was a human body.

(We won't get into bacteria and organisms smaller than the eye can see for today but they're worth talking about).

Sometimes growing up is being given a large left boot all polished and pretty but nothing else and being told that "You'll grow into it someday." they've given you nothin' but a boot and expect you to hobble around barefoot until it fits.

So you stuff it in your drawer for that someday while walking around barefoot waiting for the day the shoe fits. It'll fit you someday. And you'll fit it back someday. Someday.

You open the drawer over and over again thinking "Maybe today is the day." but it isn't. You sit there wanting to cry because your feet are sore and tired with your skin begging to finally fall off the bone and you've been waiting for the damn shoe to fit all this time. To just fucking fit you. Fucking fit you because you were told it would and you've only those words to trust.

Years go by, and the shoe still don't fit. Either it's too big or too small for your foot. You've torn holes into it trying to force it to fit your foot and it's holding on by string and leather. It's far from the perfect boot it was when you first got it. And a whole lot closer to a single torn sole of a boot left in some small town backyard.

All you know is that it'll fit you. And you've had nothing but the focused pain in your scabbed feet to carry you around. It has to fit you. It has to. It has to or you've spent all this time waiting for it to fit and it never will. Then you focus on the never will part. Really, what if it never does? If it never does and you've spent all the time in pain waiting and waiting and waiting for nothing? Dese God you hope that's not it.

It's been decades and there's all kinds of shoe stores in your area with good boots looking real pretty in the windows. You hold out. You refuse to buy them because your boot WILL fit. It WILL. You go home and look in that drawer one last time. Dig the left boot out and put it on your begging left foot. There are two ways this can go although those two ways can lead to different things in the future. Way one, it doesn't fit. Again, it's too small or too big. You sit there frustrated because its been decades and you're not sure if the boot has decades more to go based on how worn it is. You're not sure if your feet have decades based on how worn they are. You're not sure if you have decades. Now what? Way two, it does fit. It finally fits. But, you only have a single left boot. You've waited all this time and there's no right boot to fit your worn and torn right foot. Now what?

Those two ways can lead to plenty of now whats. You waited decades for a single boot to fit you and for a single foot to fit it back. And it was all in vain. You have no shoe you can depend on now because it's all frilled leather and frayed lace that's one try on away from turning into dust. And it was all in vain. You wonder for the rest of your life about that boot. There'll be plenty of other boots and but they'll never be that boot. Solace is both found and not found.

That's it. Sometimes your childhood is a boot that you're waiting to fit so bad it becomes a religion and that's all you have to go off of. This is a 10:38 rant so yeah. Yeah that's it.

Growing up neurodivergent coupled with abuse (mainly emotional) definitely shaped the way I see myself gender wise and existing in general.

I felt like a frankenweenie of a person. A stitched up creature in the shape of a dog that wore a shirt and pants.

It felt like my main abuser, my creator, didn't want me to be a human. That for some reason other children were stitched up with love and fresh flesh in the shape of a human while I was stitched up and patched together with wooden screws and dead flesh in the shape of a dog. And when people asked what the smell was she always pointed to me as if I'd chosen to wear a rotten suit.

I sat stuffed with organs that didn't belong at the table with my creator and others like her and tried to pretend I was made up of the same stuff. Everyone tried to pretend too. But there's a difference between a human's company and a dog. My tail always hit the table in loud thumps until it fell off and I would crank my head to chew while everyone else ate normally. Something always ruined the already horrible disguise. And then the whole table would point out how truly horrible the disguise was. I would retreat to the ground with my ears folded in.

My creator wasn't afraid of telling me how the green mold and cracking of bones were becoming too much of a problem. Most days it felt like she had given up on even looking at me. She had a dog for a child and I knew myself that I was in no way better than a real child. I was a dog. No dog made up for a human. And no human wanted a dog for a child.

I see myself in the mirror and try to imagine a version of myself that's human. A womanly me, a manly me. But I still end up poking and shoving that dead flesh back into its stitch before I get dressed. I know I'm human. I know I'm human, but here's a disconnect between the words me and human.

(Most of my posts have been me talking about my experience with being neurodivergent and having cptsd since Tumblr for me is a place where a bunch of skrunkly humans join and be skrunkly humans for however long this site stands up so here's another post about that.)

Anyways, that's it for tonight I got to scroll all the way back through my last searched tag since my Tumble crashed.

This was forever ago but I watched a version of Beauty and the Beast on Amazon and they really amped up the character playing the beasts' disfigurement and I was pretty disappointed when they didn't really portray it better and gave him barely a quarter of his face's worth of a scar.

They had him wear a mask and everything and I feel it might really be because of the budget that it wasn't done better and the fact that disabilities for disabled people might seem worse to them than others since they're entitled to the way they feel towards it but they even had the cast act as if he was some horrid beast when he had barely any difference from before he was injured (like Nicholas Cage in Birdie, he couldn't even look at his face and it was suspected that it might not have been a major injury but it was amped up for him personally to the point he couldn't even show it).

I'm not good at wording this stuff but I wish people gave characters more than a single scar to signify a serious injury or even a small one like a piercing not healing well and causing keloids. That's all, that's the post.

I think people who add scars to character designs just to 'make them more interesting' need to stop being absolute cowards when it comes to keloids or actually realistic burns

Sometimes I look back at my memories and think "Yeah no, my childhood wasn't that much it was pretty normal."

Cue someone asking me what it was like and the complete dread that passes through me as my brain intentionally tries to sift through the river for normal memories because you don't share some messed up shit with most strangers unless ya' want to and everytime it comes up really blurred or practically nonexistent. And that makes me realize that yeah, my childhood wasn't actually normal. Does someone with a normal childhood need to search every nook and cranny of their memories for a single memory that they can comfortably share with someone and come up short each time? Probably not.

Alone I can convince myself of having a normal enough childhood but that's because my brain accepts a single moment out of hundreds that was relatively normal enough to count and then immediately takes it as a "Yeah that works, it was a good childhood."

Hell my brain can barely remember most of my childhood not because of a lack of memory but because it just won't show up. I search and search and it's all a blurry mass of "Yeah I was alive at that point." But like, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for what I did when I was alive. But yeah, brains are flippin' weird.

I will never understand the narrative that people have to stay the same throughout their life when it comes to orientations and identities.

Hey, it's almost like people change constantly and things don't have to be set in stone?

Isn't the expectation that we change and stay changing since we have plenty of life lived and unlived?

People can be queer and not have their identities be forever, cishet people always question about whether queer people are sure about it or if they'll change their mind and it's like, maybe, so what? How is that the worst thing? When it comes to genderqueer people most understand surgery and what it means in the long run but so what? What's it to you, the person that isn't in their skin? Dear gods give it a rest.

My favorite dynamics firstly include lovers to friends except the relationship is stronger and or friendly and does not come in the way of any relationships they have after (points if they're aspec).

Secondly, people who decide to raise children together platonically biological, adopted, or so and so (points again if they have separate lives that do not interfere with each other, spend literally every waking moment together, or live the world's best and ideal romantic and sexual relationship would seem but aren't romantically involved).

Thirdly, "I have a car." "Cool, I've been wanting to leave this place since the moment I breathed the air here want to hop in and ditch?" "Yeah that works." (It's leaving home for bigger and better things, that's it).

This potato better bring me a golden potato.

Beau is Afraid to me is a perfect representation of the abusive relationship between a parent and child.

The panic attacks and disassociation are no new story to the people watching it and at times it feels like it's happening exactly to you the way the movie draws you into the shoes of Beau himself.

The phone call between Beau and Mona is perfectly drawn out. The nerve in Beau's voice and the immediate disconnect between them emotionally are perfectly done. The silence tells you what you need to know, Beau is terrified of Mona and Mona has a hate for Beau that she can't even grasp herself. Disappointment not at the situation but at Beau. At Beau simply because he's her son and she's his mother.

When Beau hears Mona finally admit to hating Beau we see Beau snap. He loves his mother, he believes that she loves him even when he confesses his frustration and concerns in their relationship. He hears the person that practically controls his throughts, his emotions, his living situation, what stree he's on, the money he spends, and even the color shirt he wears hates him. He believes that Mona was protecting him from the outside world in some way he's finally understood that his mother wasn't protecting him. Mona wasn't helping him and she didn't even love him. He trusted her with his life and she hated him. He goes from kissing her legs begging to be forgiven to do anything to be forgiven to choking her.

When Beau is screaming for help from anyone, literally anyone. We see his eyes perfectly reflect the moment he knows no one will help him. He's trapped dying the death his mother planned for him with his feet stuck in the boards and not a single person believes that he's worthy of help or willing to help him. He's completely and utterly alone. Like the version of himself that was curled up crying on the forest ground because he searched for a home and comfort (interpreted family being comfort for him in general) in every corner of the world that the okay in his head could think of and it left him cold and hungry with just the hat on his head. Take this moment as a parallel to him sinking in the boat. He's searched in all the places his mother allowed him to search for some form of comfort from her and he's left without her love or her help in the end. Deprived of love, blamed by his mother for every emotion she felt raising him and accused of not caring at all. The masked woman telling him about his sins and guilts could be the voice in his head that agrees with his mother or the voice of his mother in general. Finally, we see him drowning and struggling under the pressure he's been convinced he created for himself and the story ends. And it's the perfect ending. It's so fucking horrible and perfect at the same time. My fucking God this movie was amazing.

Shoutout to all the children of parents that are abusive one way or another that sat their parents down and watched a movie that was a clear plea for those parents to realize that you needed them to be more of a parent and not an abuser. Sorry if it failed and congrats if it changed something if anything. Y'all did a good job speaking out even if it wasn't your voice speaking!

My second post about Beau is Afraid tonight an I have to say. It does an amazing job reminding you of all the things you went through with an emotionally abusive and or abusive in general parent and especially mother.

You sit in your seat thinking and thinking and then, the thinking stops. You'll go about your life forgetting it all again to protect yourself when you aren't protecting yourself at all. Because those habits are as rooted in you as the stains from the pumpkin smashed on gravel and left for weeks. You'll go back to a version of your mind before remembering and when someone asks about your childhood and your parents in particular you'll most likely say "I dunno." or brush it off in general. You can't take the time to remember right now and you don't know if you're actually remembering it right or if it's all true. You don't want to face the truth. If you're wrong you're accusing your parent of something you can't take back. Because your parent is your parent and you shouldn't feel that way because they did so much for you so bury it. Bury it deep or it'll come up and something bad will happen because it always does. A bit of a rant that went of the rails but yeah. Good job to everyone that worked on it y'all did bomb!

beau is afraid is uncanny in separating who understands or has experienced cPTSD and who has not because those who have not think beau is just irrationally anxious and “too afraid to live his life”. meanwhile those with cPTSD are like um he actually was abused emotionally/mentally/physically (medications)/sexually/financially his entire life and has learned pattern recognition but go off i guess? like these are the same people who think once someone is 18 they have full control over their lives, so they don’t understand why disobeying a parent might result in homelessness which may result in disabling illness which may result in death lolol. they can’t put those chains together because they weren’t constantly abused and punished. they’re the same people who don’t get why gypsy rose didn’t just “tell the police” (even tho she did try that).

another scene i particularly liked was the mother screaming at beau for not making decisions. for needing clarity or asking questions. reminds me of my entire autistic childhood and adults yelling at me. still makes no sense.

Very late but that second to last paragraph is too relatable my gods. They really captured that dread and constant nerve of never actually being alone. Never having a single breath be without the anxiety of what could come if you fucked up or accidentally fell into the same room as a mind reader that somehow heard everything you were thinking and would relay it to whatever person you wanted to have hear it the least. This movie traumatized me in a good way.

Beau is Afraid is the movie I have been waiting for

!Spoilers Ahead! *LONG POST*

TW: Child Abuse, Gaslighting, Narcissistic Abuse, Strangulation, Discussions of Severe Anxiety

Like many people I knew Ari Aster as the guy who made Hereditary and Midsommar. Weird and trauma focused horror and that is definitely what Beau is Afraid is classified as, but it is nothing like his previous films.

To summarize, Beau is afraid starts off with Beau meeting his therapist (well it literally starts with Beau being born but i digress) and here we learn that Beau has a severe and crippling anxiety disorder. From the moment Beau starts talking about his mother I knew exactly what this movie was going to be about(though i don’t think anyone could guess the plot). We see that he is planning to visit his mother the next day because it’s the anniversary of his fathers death. Due to unforeseen circumstances Beau oversleeps and as he is rushing his keys get stolen out of his door along with his suitcase. Beau calls to tell his mom just wanting to tell her what’s happened and as she began to speak I got immediately triggered. You can see him sink into a shell of himself as she tries to make him feel guilty for thinking he should stay at home since someone has access to his apartment. She hangs up on him and Beau begins to lose it a little bit.

A lot of things domino fall and this leads to Beau getting locked out of his apartment (this also leads to the first time we see Beau experience something i’ve never seen so perfectly portrayed in a film. executive dysfunction. and it happens multiple times, he simply freezes in place even though he knows he should move. Part of it is definitely his anxiety as he is afraid to move because thats a decision and he doesn’t want the responsibility of what comes after a decision)and learning that his mother was killed by a falling chandelier. Then we see him get hit by a car. He ends up in the care of a family and long story short he has to run from them and ends up in the woods with a theatre troupe.

This is important because we learn that Beau’s biggest dream is to simply have a job and home of his own with a family that loves him. That’s his perfect future, but even as he’s seeing it playing out his kind can’t help but conjure up the worst case scenarios. We also see it repeated here that Beau can’t have kids because he can’t have sex because of a genetic heart murmur that killed his father. After Beau is separated from the theatre troupe he makes his way to his mothers house(though he should have been healing after being hit by a car and being stabbed his ONLY CONCERN was his mother not being humiliated by not being buried). When he sees her body he isn’t at peace yet but he lays down and gets his first night of good rest in days. When he wakes up he is greeted with his old friend Elaine who asked him to wait for her and he did. Long story short, Beau and her have sex. He is under the direct impression he is going to die when this happens.

But he doesn’t. However, Elaine does. He is rightfully terrified and cowers in fear until the music Elaine was playing suddenly shuts off and he looks up to find none other than his mother staring back at him. She faked her death to get him home and then tries to turn this on Beau saying he couldn’t wait for her to die, when Beau admits he knew she was alive because of the birthmark on the hands on the body. But she’s not done. Out of the shadows steps Beau’s therapist as his mother begins playing a recording of one of his sessions where Beau admits reluctantly that he felt his mothers love was conditional. Since he feels like he has nothing to lose he chooses to finally confront his mother about the dream he has where he sees an identical version of himself ask about his father because Beau isn’t brave enough and he asks where his father is.

His mother takes him to the attic from the dream and tells him to go up there telling him it wasn’t a dream, it was a memory. There Beau meets his twin brother and his father(it’s a lot more batshit than this but that’s the gist of it). He begs to go back down and his mother finally lets him and he LITERALLY KISSES HER LEGS telling her he’s sorry. But she’s still not done. She goes on a whole tirade about how her mother blamed her for her mothers mistakes completely missing how she’s doing the same to Beau. She continues to berate him until she finally says what she means. She hates Beau. And at that point Beau puts his hands around her throat, strangling her. He eventually comes to his senses and lets her go, shocked at his own actions, but the damage has been done, she collapses and dies.

Beau leaves the house the look of shock frozen on his face and he reaches a motorboat on his mothers private little beach. He starts the motor and begins to drive the boat towards a cavern. For the first time the whole movie Beau seems like he might no longer be afraid. Until the motor mysteriously sputters and here’s where shit gets VERY REAL. SERIOUSLY IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE GO WATCH IT BEFORE CONTINUING.

Beau is sitting in darkness for a few seconds and suddenly this cavern is flooded with light and he sees no, it’s not actually a cavern at all. It’s a stadium filled with people. They are all watching him. Through his (and the audiences) confusion a voice booms from a microphone. When Beau finds the source he is shocked to see that it is coming from a man on a mini stage high in the stadium sitting next to his mother. From a giant 4 sided jumbotron video plays of moments from Beau’s life dating back to when he was NINE. YEARS. OLD. All of of which is taken out of context. Beau’s only “defense” is a shitty lawyer who has yell because he wasn’t given a microphone and even when he is heard and things his lawyer says are reasonable his mothers lawyer simply writes it off and moves onto the next thing he’s “done wrong”. (To me this represents all of the times Beau tried to reason with his mother and make her see his side before he just had to succumb to her will for survival, because you can’t reason with a narcissist.) When his defense is literally thrown from his stage and dies on a steep rock Beau is left to defend himself. Through his anxiety and fear he still tries to make them see his side, but Beau is found to be guilty. He never really loved his mother, he was a manipulative child who took from her and never gave anything back.

As this is all coming to a close the motor on the boat begins to flame and the boat begins to sink. Beau is begging, pleading, screaming, for his mother as she watches him in distress. As the entire arena of people watches him struggling and does nothing. We can see the exact moment Beau succumbs to his fate, he says nothing and for the first time in the whole film his shoulders droop. All of his anxiety is gone. He knows his mother won’t help him, that no one will. And the look that crosses his face is one I understood so deeply. One of anger that he dedicated his life to this woman, one of realization that he couldn’t trust anyone, one of sadness that he was truly alone. And I relate to that so deeply.

I remember people talking about the relationship between Joy and Evelyn in Everything Everywhere All at Once and while I definitely relate to their story somewhat there was something missing and I didn’t know what it was until I saw Beau is Afraid.

On the one hand there’s the constant twisting of Beau’s actions that is particularly triggering to me. Him living in one of his mothers apartment buildings and using a card with her money is turned on him when for one thing the apartment is shitty and he is constantly in fear for his life. Number 2 the card was given to him by her to use, because Beau is literally agoraphobic because of HER ACTIONS. He can’t hold down a job even if he wanted to. His whole life is his therapist and his home. I find it so strange that mothers like this will stifle any interest their child has that falls outside of what they want for them and literally block them from opportunities to advance, but then get upset when their kids aren’t able to function on their own as adults.

But that’s not the main thing that stuck out to me and made me realize I had been carrying this massive weight with me I couldn’t explain.

This ever present fear I felt living with my mother that just never left. This feeling that she was always watching me even when I wasn’t with her and that I couldn’t trust anyone because they would turn them against me eventually. That I couldn’t say bad things about her because the words would find their way back to her. When I was actively going to therapy I would triple check my phone to make sure I didn’t accidentally dial her and she could every word I was saying. That’s how terrifying it feels and I’ve never seen that captured on screen. Tears were streaming down my face as I watched Beau’s cries be ignored and as people just let him die. In the silence of the theater I simply stared at the place Beau had been and thought “you have to leave, you have to get out.”

!End of Spoilers!

It’s a great movie and I think you should definitely go see it if you have 3 hours to spare. I’ve personally seen it twice and I relate so much to Beau it’s kinda scary. Sorry for this long post I wonder what anyone who saw it thinks though, i’d like to hear new perspectives. Now time to watch Queen Charlotte for something lighter 😭

Beau is Afraid personal analysis:

From someone that can't put thoughts in order, is neurodivergen, and expects both nothing and everything from a film.

Just started watching Beau is Afraid and here's me just throwing interpretations and a shitty analysis into the void of Tumblr as I'm watching it!

It should be noted that the subtitles aren't working for me so a lot of the audio is hard to understand for me if I'm not absolutely invested. You should also expect some comparisons to Beau's life and mine since mommy issues don't wait for anyone besides the mother who throws them onto you!

In all honesty, I wanted to watch this movie when I first saw the poster but I have the habit of adding movies to my watchlist and then forgetting them if it isn't in my face 24/7 so it got benched. I finally picked it up because of Joaquin Phoenix and the fact that I wasn't mentally prepared for the Joker sequel. During the movie it did an amazing job of stopping my gawking at Joaquin to actually seeing Joaquin as Beau and being in the same room as Beau as if it were my own movie. Props to Ari Aster for making a mirror more than a movie.

Hour 1:

I obviously had to pause the movie while Beau was walking down the hall to the elevator. I really enjoy when people put small little details into media and even though a lot of it was hard to read I wasn't disappointed. It seemed that right off the bat dicks were going to be very important in the movie.

Beau's character was really relatable in the beginning in the sense that his anxiety is so persistent. There were a lot of people that commented on the pacing and scenes being confusing but from my POV it was a good representation of what living with anxiety is like. COMING BACK TO SAY THAT I WAS NOT READY! IT IS NOT JUST ANXIETY! IT IS LEARNED HELPLESSNESS AND SO MUCH MORE!

When Beau imagined a guy running into his apartment I felt the jump and shock just as much as him. It seemed strange that somehow all them people didn't walk inside of the store since it wasn't locked. The best I can take away from it right now although I might add things later is that the outside is just chaos really. I think it might have some to do with the feeling of the outside being so dangerous and the invasive thoughts of what could possibly happen to you when you even leave your apartment. You have one place in the world where everything while not particularly quiet and entirely peaceful is just enough to get away from the hustle and bustle and whatever terror comes with it. And having it invaded would turn anyone's day not just upside down but tossed over a cliff into a massive hole of "My fucking God what next?" and whatever curse words you can toss in with that sentiment.

When Beau missed the flight and had to break the news to his mom it really did feel like a call with my own mother. That silence where Beau is just seemingly waiting for a spur of disappointment to pass on from the other side of the phone. And not even at the situation but at Beau. Like for some reason Beau is the cause of it all and this isn't the first time he's been blamed or at the end of disappointment. And you can even hear it in his mom's voice so shout out to her actor for delivering those lines so wonderfully! Beau borderline pleasing with his mom for help and not getting any actual answer is beyond relatable. People are expected to somehow know where to go from somewhere in their own POV but when your POV doesn't seem to be anywhere in sight there's not a lot of help.

I tried to think about what the key missing could even mean if it possibly were supposed to be about how Beau feels internally and I'm coming face to face with the idea that while Beau wants to see his mom it might be that he struggles so much with reaching the middle of the bridge with the people he cares about along with an overwhelming fear of meeting with his mom in general. We can assume that something happened between them that makes the air so stiff. So maybe the key going missing and him missing his flight is himself trying to avoid whatever might come with going to see his mom in some way. It felt like self isolation. Like Beau wanted to be there but at the same time couldn't bring himself to do it and now he has to face his mom and apologize while also being too scared to apologize for not being able to open himself up enough to see her and let her see him.

Going back to the invasion of his apartment. If we imagine That this world in the beginning and his apartment is just what being in his head is like, that could also be a "Something's gotta give." moment where his fears and anxiety are racking up so high that his mind just lets the lock loose and all that noise starts flooding his head. Almost like when you get overstimulated and try to stop the outside world from coming inside but everything is just too much. I'm not good at explaining this so my bad.

Now moving on to finding out his mom has died. When you have anxiety and not only anxiety but OCD too it's like the smallest fear of something happening or you not doing something makes your fears come true. The idea that if you don't pick up a pencil you drop in the next five seconds a train will hit you at exactly five thirty-one in the evening on your way home even though there's no train tracks within a ten mile distance of you. I don't really know what to say about this part of the movie but his instant shut down and taking a bath with the figure that I'm guessing is some sort of comforting link he has to his mother is definitely what I'd do if I'd remembered that my tap was going and my mom is dead.

There's a point in the movie where Beau walks outside and there's some words behind him from at what point in the movie I don't know that say things like, 'pussy write letter' and 'pussy something whistle' and all that and I was confused by it but really did want to know if that meant someone's vag was writing a letter or if it was some sort of prosthetic you could buy I'm not sure but it was a hoot.

I can already see this being long and I'm not even halfway through the movie. Waking up in the gal's room was definitely something that made my head turn round I thought that maybe they'd bedazzled a hospital room or something. Beau looked pretty rough there so good healing to him throughout this movie. I took their behavior being weird and the dreamy feel as if Beau was craving some comfort and this is what he thought up to get it, which is so relatable. We can basically immediately interpret that Beau is a fill in for something the couple is missing AKA their son Nathan I believe was his name? For me this is so far the scariest part of the movie. And that's Beau being trapped. The actors do an amazing job of making you feel off in general. This feels like some pseudo family and the puzzle scene felt exactly like sitting down with my grandparents and having no idea what to do or what's even happening.

The way they treat what I think is their daughter compared to Beau is definitely a stark contrast. Reminded me of being a kid and wanting my mom to treat me the same as everyone else. Which was simply nice. The fact that they keep pushing him leaving back while he's begging for any way out is really the best representation of needing something NOW, not in the evening, not after a nice dinner and some good hosting, NOW. He's been guilted into believing that his mom's being insulted and humiliated and when he's doing what he can to stop it by leaving he's trapped and no one is giving him a way out of it. He can't even properly give himself a way out because he's been knocked into Saturn by a car and is currently healing from it. Anyways, an hour in and that's all I got.

Hour 2:

Okay that took an insane turn. The peer pressure carpool made me extremely uncomfortable and I honestly just wanted it to end since he kept saying no. The girls saying that they'd accuse him of that stuff put another edge into the situation when it already had plenty of sharp edges. In some way I see it as Beau somewhat needing a good puff but also not needing it. Does he need it or is he convincing himself that he does? Does he not need it or is it because his anxiety and suspicions are so implemented into him that he can't or won't? This scene was definitely good to watch if you need to tip of your blood pressure if it's low.

I knew it was going to cut to the boat when I heard the seagulls but what I expected to be a calm in this chaotic fucking movie turned out to be the exact opposite. This post isn't even interpretations anymore it's going to be me spiraling. Everyone did an amazing job atmosphere wise because what the fuck? Every interaction between young Beau and his mom just made me want to screw my face up so hard you could hammer it to a wall. I'm wondering if Beau recognized the woman that he cut back to in the video on his mom's death and I'm also wondering if this young gal is a positive, negative, or neutral. The scene where she counts down and what I'm guessing lead to a kiss got skipped because it just made me too uncomfortable.

I was immediately hit with what was the worst wham bam in the world. I saw those creepy people's daughter without a shirt and didn't want to go back but was hoping they'd explain and was let down completely with my brain in a twister. Most of it was me thinking "Dear God tell me nothing happened with this teen fucking girl." Don't know if anything did and will probably never know because I honestly wouldn't be able to take it.

By this point we see the mom's obvious want to tell Beau what the fuck is going down especially when we see Beau is being recorded and not only is he being recorded, as far as he knows this little remote could tell him his whole life. Both Beau and the daughter's crashout are completely understandable. The gal wasn't any bit kind to Beau but she was the break in reality. The screw that wouldn't nail in the hole right. And in some sense I feel like Beau definitely needed her interaction to realize something was very deeply wrong. The way he's holding an obvious doll is hilarious but I wonder if it's supposed to be the kink that the audience needs to realize that this isn't real. It's real in the sense that it's happening but everything Beau is going through isn't real. These interactions aren't spontaneous they're planned. And Beau is slowly realizing it bless his heart.

30 minutes later and I'm even more dumbstruck. I really love how when you're watching the play featuring Beau you almost get lost in the story too, seeing yourself walking in his shoes. And it supports the anxiety of it all. You could have a good life, you can have a wife and children and all things in between. All the happiness you want. But it's going to end. Something beyond your control is going to tear it away from you and you have so much life left to live. So much that you'll wonder if that happy beginning is worth the sad ending. I could have this, but I can't keep this. The part where Beau reunites with the children only to find out that his wife is still lost didn't ease it. Congratulations you've found three halves of your soul, where's the fourth? The idea that Beau wants to find family and some place that feels like home for him in a world where he doesn't belong comes up again. Beau wants that but has he opened his can up enough to let it in? To let it want him? There's a lot of him both being the one guilty and innocent. He's guilty of doing all of it in the first place, of having a family and knowing that they'll be ripped away. Of walking into that broken up town and having the audacity to get too involved by just standing there. And at the same time, he's innocent. Because why shouldn't he want a home? Why shouldn't he be standing in that town? The idea of him giving his last bit of change for one empty stomach moment of happiness is worth more to him than a stomach full of food. Personally I can't disagree, happiness can keep you full plenty. But it shows a lack of self preservation trying to just grasp the concept with what fingernails he hasn't chewed off out of paranoia. This explanation isn't good and I'm sure these aren't ideas worth quoting in the next Sherlock Holmes book but I just really loved how this simple robotic voice pulls you into a trance. It felt almost as if they were trying to get him to join their cult up until he snapped out of it and the play looked completely different!

Hour 3:

My jaw dropped and never stopped dropping. It felt like I was watching the tape from The Ring and it only closed when Beau's counselor came out of the what I assume was a bathroom smiling. That's really when the dread filled every nook and cranny of my mind.

When he found his childhood gal I couldn't stop staring and I wondered the same as Beau if it was even real at all. I kept pausing and reminding the part where she turns over in bed to turn a song on Spotify on to see what songs were displayed but it was too blurry for me to see and I eventually gave up after enough tit flashes. Throughout the rest of that sequence I was saying "Wow! Congrats buddy you're alive and you're okay!" only to be completely dumbfounded with my jaw open like a guppy when I realized everything was in fact not okay. The having hanky panky time in my dead mom's bed would throw me off but it makes sense when you realize he knew she wasn't actually dead.

When she revealed herself and started mentioning the times she felt that Beau didn't care enough it really did remind me of my relationship with my mother. I thought that maybe he might've given her the tape because he liked it so much or thought she did but after she said he just couldn't decide on things for himself I realized it was most likely because he really just didn't know what to get her and I definitely resonated with that. My mom expected me to understand what she wanted from the get go but I never knew what to get her for gifts or what to do when she was slowly judging towards an idea. I knew my mom but I didn't know what she wanted and it personally left me stuck in a ditch of guilt every time. Christmas was the worst simply because I didn't know what to come up with without her saying it to my face. I did end up finding something I think surprised her though, it was one of those zen sand gardens since her old one was busted. I think the relationship between Beau and his mom really hut you the worst when you realize she's right in some aspect. All of the people that were hurt because he was lost and even worse, afraid. But how can you trust that? From the woman that manipulated him into believing that she died? From the woman who's been watching him as close as when he picks his nose and from what nostril? And was it really Beau? Considering the fact that most of the interactions haven't been genuine and the pure trauma of it all, was it him or was it the dog that ran him into the fence? Really I don't even know what I'm saying anymore it's just pure rambling.

The final straw was the audio recording of his session. Of him speaking to a man he believed he could trust and saying how isolating it all felt. To be stuck with a mom that was pulling on both of your arms left when you wanted to take just one step right your own way. Of being guilted by your parent and or parents into believing that you didn't love them enough or that you were ungrateful because you simply didn't want to do exactly what they wanted you to. I definitely related to that, my mom would revoke my invitation to join my family when they went out to eat simply because my hair wasn't done how she wanted it to be done and would shame me for my own lack of decision making and control over my life. Beau does lack decision making but it didn't seem like his mom actually tried to help, she just waterlogged off to the side and expected him to when he was wrong no matter what if it wasn't what she expected. I really don't know what to say, his mom deserved a happy childhood and she's valid in wanting her son's love but he didn't have to give it to her how she wanted him to and he also deserved a good childhood. I'm waiting for the cherry on top in the attic so we'll see what happens next.

It's over. This T fuck face of a rex movie is over. Beau's dad literally being a massive dick is what I assume some representation of Beau not being able to see his dad as a person. His father wasn't around, he only knew him as the cock that impregnated his mom and made his pops croak in the same breath because of how God damn cursed it was. In the somewhat accurate words of Tyler the Creator, he was considered a sperm donor. The small man up against a dude with a fucking mic on a large platform was obviously Beau supposed to be Beau's grievances being ignored and quieted because of how wrong his mom made him feel for every inconvenience she experienced. And killing him was what to me meant silencing Beau once and for all. To kill the thing that allowed him the smallest but of self comfort. And all that's left was to kill Beau. I'd like for a happier ending but I feel like Beau's death did make a lot of sense. You listen to prolonged mental abuse like that and in the end again, "Something's gotta give." Beau died feeling guilted and betrayed, begging his mom for help and assistance the same as he did throughout his life only to be ignored by not only her but everyone that was convinced along with her that he was the bad guy one last time. You die that way. Feeling guilty for something no matter what.

I don't really know what to say, this was a wonderful movie and it was the most immersive movie I've seen besides the fact I wasn't in the studio to actually walk the set. I loved the practical giant dick and the slow decent into terror instead of dick jokes. Patti LuPone really took Beau's mom as a character to another level and Joaquin Phoenix is a hard man not to hug at the end of most of his movies. Thanks for reading this if you actually for some reason took the time out of your day to do it. I hope I never forget this movie and if I do I'll buy a bird to squawk it to me every few days.

See y'all sometime if anytime!

please stop associating the term neurodivergent with JUST autism and adhd. like please. there are so many ways to be neurodivergent and it’s not fair to assume that it’s just about autism adhd.

Star Trek, Beauty and the Beast, Fear Street, I want a hundred Funkos on my shelf and more shelves.

I'd also like a few dozen lockets and a good printing machine.

Every autistic person deserves infinite funds to be able to purchase items related to their special interests with

Reminded of someone saying that that was his way of saying "Dude you're gonna follow right after me lol." and that has been in my head for the past month and a half just waiting for the hours to tick by until March.

I don't care what official translations say, I chose to believe "Et tu, Brute?" translates to "What the FUCK, Brutus?"

It's a love hate relationship for me towards the fella, he was such a contradictory yet understandable person and as a neurodivergent person I found some serious similarities between him and people like me that fall under the category.

He wasn't some knight in shining armor but he is owed some due respect that I personally think The Great didn't do a good job at portraying even though they openly and I will admit pretty hilariously admit to not following the exact history as well as they could.

He had faults but it's important that people understand that neurodivergent people and royal who when where and whys have been demonized and negatively viewed throughout history. Especially to show favor and disfavor that would hopefully turn people's opinions willy nilly, Richard III of England is a good example of someone in history that was framed in bad light for political gain and what not.

We'll never really know because at the end of the day, he's dead and buried. But there's such an insane amount of assumptions around him that do more negative than positive when he himself didn't even want the title. There's always the annoying "They were a child" take but in his case, it's true. People's forget that most royals WERE young and if you haven't lived their life or a life similar you can't really understand the kind of damage someone takes going through some heavy weight like that and what all comes with it. He was orphaned too young and then brought up to be king of a country he didn't even want to commit to entirely. There's the theory that he was an age regressor and we can't really prove it but I think it has a fair standing. And if it isn't true, hey, adults can enjoy things people see as childish plenty.

It really sucks that in shows like The Great and so many more period dramas that the faces of historical figures are done such disservices by making them one dimensional people when there's too many dimensions to count. And besides, people sadly wouldn't be too interested in watching a show about a "Hideous" boy turned immature ruler along with his wife who was equally done as dirty as him and unprepared as him. Who's really good for a throne anyways?

Anyways, that's my rant and there's plenty I didn't cover and probably don't know anything about but it definitely rubbed me wrong that so many people don't actually look enough to scratch off the pure villain role he's been dealt.

Edited bit: He was a grown man yes again, there's no denying that. And I wouldn't even try to deny that.

Peter The Third of Russia, in my book, was somehow neurodiverse.

For the people who know him from the show ‘The Great,’ I do not like how that show portrayed him. From my research, he was less of an immature party boy, and more an awkward man who fully admitted he was not king material that happened to enjoy toys. Also, I could not find any reliable sources saying Peter abused animals, and, in fact, apparently some of the incidents described didn’t make a lot of sense when you look at the time period. (Pet bears were illegal in Russia when Peter supposedly shot his.)

Quick moral to the story: adults are allowed to own, collect, and play with toys, and still be mature people.

This was posted 2 years about but this is my exact process when going through books and information, it all ends up in a dump in some notes app or sticky note annotation.

happy 2nd anniversary to one of the weirdest online experiences I've ever had

do you love the color of the christmas eve fat danton? dec. 24 2021 - dec. 24 2023

In case anyone is having a bad night:

Here is the fudgiest brownie in a mug recipe I’ve found

Here are some fun sites

Here is a master post of Adventure Time episodes and comics

Here is a master post of movies including Disney and Studio Ghibli

Here is a master post of other master posts to TV shows and movies

*tucks you in with fuzzy blanket* *pats your head*

You’ll be okay, friend <3

Brokeback Mountain probably stole this. Or this stole this from Brokeback Mountain. Not sure, but one em has their pockets fuller than when they walked in.

If it sounds like the composer is trying to blast you with the orchestra until you're as deaf as he is, it's Beethoven.

If it sounds like the composer might be a vampire, it's Bach.

If it sounds like the composer is trying to set the violins on fire, it's Vivaldi.

Hi Tumblr, here's recent art of my OC's Dawn and Silver! They're a bit quirky and they've been around for generations since they take incarnations but these two incarnations were supposed to be doing their hair before bed and instead got distracted messing around in each other's hair. 🤨🤨🤨🤨

They're my children and they're both as queer as me so please accept them someday, not sure how this algorithm is nowadays.

Bye now! 🤠🤠🤠🤠

Hell yeah! Transness is no one way street and it ain't clear as a blue sky.

Your transness is whatever you want it to be with no care or concern towards others because they don't hold your soul. You do.

If an individual trans man did transition as a trauma response to misogyny, or a trans woman did identify as such because it's tied to her kinks, both of them would still be valid. Every reason for being trans is valid. When transphobes bring out those canards, we act like those are hideous things to be when we should be treating them like reductive stereotypes that are one of ten million different reasons someone might identify the way they do. Neither inherently undermines other trans people.

When you say "how dare you accuse me of being a disgusting faker like that" you're playing by transphobic society's rules. Do not believe that you can convince them your masculinity is truly destiny built into you from birth, or that your femininity is squeaky clean.

crawling back to this tumblr account after the tiktok ban feels like driving back to my old home in the countryside,, gently wiping away the cobwebs and the dust that's settled in my absence,, nothing changed, nothing out of place,, a memory of a forgotten era; frozen in time,,

Tiktok is banned. If you need me you can catch me neck deep in ao3 to a degree I have never been neck deep in ao3 before

Just bought this book so saving this for later!

Dipper and Mabel's Guide To Mystery and Non-Stop Fun: Secret Codes

(Sorry this took so long, BTW.) Here are the codes I have found in Dipper and Mabel’s Guide To Mystery and Non-Stop Fun. The first group of codes will be Bill’s. Then I’ll move on to Dipper’s codes. All of the codes will be bold.(The page numbers will be in parenthesis.)

Here they are:

“Dipper wrote a theme song for himself and sings it in the shower.” (20-21)

“After nightmares, Mabel meows herself back to sleep.”(30-31)

“Soos keeps candy in his belly button for emergencies.”(52-53)

“Stan was a baby model.” (69)

“The mayor of Gravity Falls is not long for this world.” (76-77)

“Wendy wishes she lived in Portland.” (80-81)

“The end of the world is closer than the end of the Summer.”(88-89)

“Something strange is buried under Gravity Falls.” (92-93)

“Time Baby is worried about Bill.” (94-95) (I talked a bit more about this one here.)

“Bud Gleeful wants to run for mayor.”(96-97)

“McGucket has seen terrible things.”(106-107)

“Grenda will marry Rich.”(108-109)

“That burnt tree by Soos’s house is odd.” (116-117)

“Soos writes fan fics about Stan.”(118-119)

“The Gnomes have a clear view of Northwest Manor.”(124-125)

“Dipper and Mabel’s father worked in computers.” (132-133)

“Robbie secretly draws anime.” (142-143)

“The invisible wizard keeps untying Dipper’s shoes.” (144-145)

“The government can be forgetful.” (148)

“Growing up is optional.” (150)

Now for Dipper’s codes:

“Trust no one.” (123)

“Robbie is a jerk.” (123)

“This is way more fun than going outside.” Writing codes, he means. (124)

“To get back at Mabel,Candy, and Grenda for their tickle attack, I’m going to put peanut butter in their socks!“ (131)

The next one is on Dipper’s Certificate of Mystery (151):

It’s missing it in this photo, but there’s a code surrounding it:

As you can hardly see, there some black letters mixed in with the blue ones. Those make up this: “DISNEYXD.COM/ARENTYOUCLEVER” which shows this:

[That code says,”You’re not as dumb as you seem…I’ve got some secrets if you know where to look. The people of this town are an open book…”]

The blue-lettered code on the certificate says: “By signing this official document, you are hereby agreeing to dedicate your life, your afterlife, and any potential clone-lives to the discovery, uncovery (Is that a word?), and exploration of the paranormal, the alter-average, and the extra-usual. When friends ask you to stop being paranoid, you will scoff. When they say that you’ve been acting really weird since you read that book and they don’t even recognize you anymore, that means they’re jealous/you are like me now. We are part of a higher calling. We will meet one day and on that glorious day we will show the small-minded doubters we were right all along, and are also really cool, and they should have been nicer to us. Okay that’s about it. This sort of sounds like a supervillain manifesto in retrospect. But you get the gist.”

Bonus! Gideon code in his letter to Mabel (Page 87):

The letters on the side read, “Help me escape or be destroyed.”

That’s about it. Remember, REALITYISANILLUSIONTHEUNIVERSEISAHOLOGRAMBUYGOLDBYYYYYE!

Fiddauthor may be canon, let’s discuss

At first glance this relationship appears to be completely fanon, but when you dig into it there's actually a lot more to Stanford and Fiddleford’s relationship than meets the eye.

This is a compilation of evidence [And slight analysis] so if I have missed anything or if anything is wrong, please let me know.

Warning: Long post ahead

Setting

-As @ratsbanes mentions during Stanford and Fiddleford’s college years the aids crisis was going on, during this time there was a lot of misinformation and fear mongering as it was falsely thought that only queer men could be affected. This event is very significant in queer history and needs to be considered when looking at their relationship.

-Fiddleford came from a hog farm in Tennessee, a deeply religious state, and as he is told to be superstitious, crossing himself when walking over graves, it can be assumed he too is religious

Religions in the same circle as Christianity tend to hold homophobic views as was common during this time

This creates religious guilt for queer people

-Queer politics were becoming a hot topic and most of society was homophobic during this period, there is a chance it was still illegal to be queer whilst they were in college, depending on where they were

This led to a lot of violence against queer people and a very real fear of being outed as it could have dire consequences

There was even programs in the military dedicated to having ‘gay spies’ to act queer and attract gay men in the military so they could be punished or discharged

There was also the Vietnam war going on, causing political unrest and many protests, america being very unstable during this period

-Lavender marriages [Marriages between heterosexuals and homosexuals, often to conceal the latters sexuality] were still common

-Putting this altogether into Fiddleford’s character it could create a very real feeling of religious guilt and fear of being outed that could of led to him entering a lavender marriage instead of staying with Stanford. Fiddleford would have had to worry about violence against himself and his family’s view of him, which he would likely worry about as he has shown signs of anxiety [But this may just be because of trauma]

It appears Fiddleford and his wife got married quickly when he left college which makes it all the more suspicious, whilst it could be they were high school sweethearts or an out of wedlock situation, it is more likely it's his fear of being outed that led to such a quick decision. [I will talk for about him and Emma-May later]

-Stanford was also in a position not to pursue anything as it can be assumed Filbrick was not the best father due to him throwing a 17-year old Stanley onto the street with almost nothing, leaving him to the wolves after refusing to hear his side of the story, and not coming to Stanley’s funeral. Filbrick instead views Stanford as something to make him money with his talents which is why he's so angry at Stanley for ruining their chances.

This would put stress on Stanford as to not disappoint his father and be the perfect child and it can be assumed that Flibrick was homophobic as many were back then.

Deep bond

-They are close enough Stanford has a measuring system for Fiddleford’s restless legs, knee bounce per second, AKA KBPS

-Stanford knows Fiddleford’s favourite can of beans, and stocks them in the bunker

-Stanford calls Fiddleford his ‘friend’, ‘assistant’, ‘partner’, and ‘buddy’, putting him on the same level as himself, not putting him down until Bill manipulates him.

-Fiddleford could tell that something was wrong with Stanford, even the slightest movement when meditating clued him in as shown in one of the flashbacks.

This itself is further evidence of their bond as Stanford trusts him enough to let him into the worship room and meditates around him, which leaves Ford vulnerable to attacks

Even parallel Fiddleford knows this isn't his own, though that can be explained through an age difference.

-Fiddleford loves his banjos, having multiple collections of them such as the one in the Gideon Bot blueprint, but he uses them as a weapon to protect others, willing to break his most prized possession to help others. He does this twice for Stanford, once during Weirdmageddon and another time to save him directly from Krampus.

During this Krampus attack Fidds had just gotten back when he saved Stanford who was about to basically be murdered, all whilst Bill was nowhere to be found

-Fiddleford only really violates Stanford’s boundaries and trust after the memory gun and neglect of his mental health have come into the picture, he does this when he steals the book to create a thesis to try and help Ford, and when he used the memory gun on him [More on this later]

-Alex Hirsch refers to them as the kind of friends with the same kind of interests and humour

-After 30 years away there is a thought shown on the mind reading machine that just says ‘I’m sorry Fiddleford’, completely unprompted

-The ‘Sorry’ photo in general

-When they first met Ford saved Fiddleford from dropping out due to embarrassment

He stayed up 9 hours with a stranger to help him prove a theory

-Ford takes notice of Fiddleford’s reaction to the cubics cube and takes joy in messing with him, knowing he wont get angry at him

-Both recognize each other at weirdmageddon despite how long they have spent apart [Ford may have seen him in Dipper’s part of the journal, but Fidds, with brain damage, had no reason to recognize him]

-Despite disliking Fiddleford’s tobacco chewing habit Ford allows him to continue with it

-Fiddleford can read Stanley, who has similar mannerisms to Ford, like a book

This is after he has lost his memories, such as when he calls out Stan’s suspicious laughter

-When Fiddleford first arrives at Fords house he mentions being ‘overcome with emotion’ and is overjoyed to see him, going out of his way to buy him banjo strings and microchips

Despite having Bill he is very lonely and is very happy to see Fiddleford again, saying ‘the past few days have been the most energising I’ve had since I first came to this town!’

-Ford originally doesn't tell Fiddleford of Bill because he doesn't want Fiddleford to think he's insane or badly of him, as he knows his friend is superstitious

-Ford teaches Fiddleford to meditate to help with his anxiety

-Fiddleford chastises Ford for staying up too late and not getting enough sleep, to which Stanford is comfortable enough with him to make a retort

-Ford appears to look for Fiddleford after coming to his senses and is immediately remorseful

-Ford keeps comparing parallel Fiddleford to his own, showing how much he misses him

Obsessions

-Ford has an obsession with Bill and Work, worshipping both like gods

Despite this he takes time from work or Bill to spend with Fiddleford instead;

After the gremloblin incident Ford takes Fiddleford to a fair, he throws a christmas party for Fiddleford and when the shapeshifter attacks and ties up Fiddleford he immediately shuts all work he was doing with the shapeshifter down despite his obsession of learning about creatures [This could be because he nearly got his hands on the journals but he appears to have tried to get them before and this event was the catalyst]

-Fiddleford appears to be obsessed with Stanford and later the memory gun due to it

Fiddleford leaves his family very quickly to join someone he hasn't seen in over 6 years, which is the first sign, then he stays after being traumatised and put in near death situations.

This devotion is made obvious when he stays to help with the portal even after his thesis and ideas have been blown off and his safety ignored, only leaving after seeing the horrors beyond the portal. This leads into the memory gun.

Fiddleford creates this as a way to cope and be able to stay alongside Stanford and help him, because he starts using the memory gun instead of leaving this toxic situation after seeing the gremloblin he becomes addicted

The memory gun is symbolism for addiction and self-harm when it comes to Fiddleford, he is aware it might be doing damage later on but he cant stop using it, its implied he even used it after noticing he wasn't wearing a piece of clothing right, which may have been a side effect of the memory gun.

Unlike Stanford Fiddleford does not have anyone to help him realise how obsessed he is or stop him, so he only continues to spiral, making his anxiety and self-harm worse [His hair pulling is also self-harm, though less obvious]

His obsession with Stanford is what led to this sadly.

His obsessions lead to him stealing the book to create a thesis to try and help Ford, and using the memory gun on Stanford [He uses it on him for both unknown reasons and to stop him from remembering construction workers, as well as maybe witnessing him in the red cape using the gun on himself or others. Even then you have to remember Fiddleford had been using it on himself and was not in the right state of mind due to Ford’s neglect, as Fiddleford was repeatedly shown to be kind and have a big heart but as his mental state declined so did his morals] This is sad as it shows that Fiddleford knows its bad but is already showing signs of addiction when he first makes it.

This ultimately ends up with him breaking his own mind to a point where it scares and hurts BILL CIPHER, hurts him in a way he doesnt think is hilarious

Bill Cipher

-Both Bill and Fiddleford are obsessed with Stanford, though they go about it differently

Bill’s obsession destroys Stanford, Stanford’s obsession destroys Fiddleford and Fiddleford’s obsession destroys himself

Bill manipulates and guilt trips Ford into getting what he wants, often using flattery or a twisted form of it, feeding into Fords insecurities

Meanwhile at first Fiddleford is just doing whatever he can to help Stanford, only hurting him after the gremloblin incident that destroys his psyche

-Before Bill came along Ford admired Fiddleford for his ‘brilliant mind’, heart and trustworthiness, but Bill manipulated him into thinking lesser of those qualities of his, even then during the portal incident he calls Fiddleford ‘buddy’.

-Bill repeatedly tries to get rid of anything Fiddleford gets Ford

-Bill and Fiddleford have some similarities

For Stanford’s birthday Bill possessed a bunch of rats and used them to spell out his name [This is interesting due to both Ford and Bill having a tendency to mix up both love and fear, Ford not reacting properly to monsters when he should fear them but instead being fascinated], he then insists on taking Ford out for a drink, when Ford was not the most willing to [Contrasting to him willingly and even suggesting getting drunk with Fiddleford on Christmas after he saved him, drinking eggnog, despite not celebrating Christmas]

Meanwhile Fiddleford handmakes two gifts for Christmas for Ford, despite knowing Ford doesn't celebrate, which makes Ford very happy and makes him want to spend time with Fiddleford [Did Bill have this gift giving tradition beforehand or did he see a memory or dream of Fiddleford’s gift giving tendencies and copy it like he did with Ford’s love language of experiences? Or are they just that similar?]

Both are obsessed with Stanford; Bill using manipulation, flattery and guilt tripping to get what he wants from him, feeding into Ford’s insecurities and ego. Meanwhile Fiddleford is devoted to helping Stanford achieve his goals instead of his own like Bill is. Even when he uses the memory gun it's to help Stanford so he can continue working and so the construction workers can help the portal be built quicker.

Emma-May

-Emma-May and Fiddleford’s relationship appears to already be rocky when Ford calls him

Fiddleford is seen working out of the cluttered garage, instead of a building, this might show he isn't making much money which could cause strain as she would need to work more to help provide for her son

He is isolated from her in the garage and is seen playing his banjo in the garage instead of with his family around, he also appears to have made himself at home in the garage instead of inside his house

This could be seen as a mancave, which was often used by men who didn't love their wives and ‘needed time away from them’, this could be explained through Fiddleford just being neurodivergent though as he shows signs of being on the spectrum- and not every man with a mancave dislikes their wives

She was also rather quick to get divorced for the time when her husband is away getting money for them.

-There is also signs he might not have any romantic interest in Emma-May or women in general, and if he does it is far less than the feelings he has towards Stanford

He rather quickly leaves his wife to go after Stanford

He makes Stanford TWO Christmas gifts [One of which required 5 prototypes], but forgot to even buy her one [This could be because of the memory gun but as its not mentioned that he forgot to get his son anything it can be assumed he remembered his- and we know he loves Tate]

He makes a continued effort to get his son [and somewhat Stanford] back, the gobblewonker is implied to not be the only way he has tried to get Tate back as Tate seems very done with him, and Stanford and him reconnect as he easily forgives him despite everything. Yet he only seems to have tried to get his wife back once with the pterodactyl, the same amount of effort he gave his friend when he didn't come to his retirement party. In the end he isn't even shown trying to reconnect with her even in a friend or co-parent way after he’s regained his sanity.

The robot and raccoon wife can be explained through the same reason; Heteronormativity. In this context it could be seen as Fiddleford wanting to have a nuclear family and be ‘normal’ [AKA, not queer] or feeling pressured to, which might be why he married and had a child so young, seemingly right out of college. Raccoon wife and the robot could be seen as him trying to be ‘normal’ and disliking that its been taken from him, trying to get some semblance of his old life back.

Love language

-Someone on tumblr pointed out both Ford and Fiddleford’s love languages [I cannot find their post…]

-Ford’s love language is experiences

He invited Fiddleford to help him with portal in the first place

After the gremloblin incident Ford takes Fiddleford to a fair

The duo go hiking together to the spaceship

And the biggest one is the Christmas incident, he wants to spend time with Fiddleford after he gave him gifts but is unable to at the time and Bill tries to cheer him up with another experience… Only for Ford to be attacked by Krampus and saved by Fiddleford, he then decorates the portal room for a holiday he doesn't even celebrate and builds snowmen that resemble each other with him.

-Fiddleford’s love language is gift giving

He gives him a homemade snow globe [Which Ford accidentally breaks thanks to Bill]

He handmakes six-fingered gloves that required 5 prototypes [They later give Ford comfort]

He buys him a squash that looks like a face because it reminds him of Ford [Of which Ford wrote an entire page about before throwing out]

He gifts him an axolotl because it reminded him of his sideburns [Bill later manipulates him into getting rid of it after a lot of struggle from Ford]

Downright Suspicious

-When Fiddleford is called by Stanford he very quickly leaves his wife and son behind to travel to Gravity Falls and live alone with him in the woods without anyone living nearby for miles, somewhere nobody can see them work… Or interact

-Fiddleford designed the bunker with only one bed, one small bed for him and Ford to share

Several people have mentioned that they would have to be practically on top of eachother to fit on said bed

Fiddleford would not be aware that Stanford doesn't sleep, meaning they were planning on sleeping in the same bed together. This is furthered by the supplies for years into the future and having both of their belongings littered throughout the space, such as the shmez dispenser.

Stanford in the journal mentions losing Fiddleford’s shmez dispenser, this implies either he was moving stuff around or they were sharing it. And Fiddleford does not like people messing with his stuff, as shown with the cubics cube.

-In journal 3 at the end when Ford goes to see Fiddleford they sit by a furnace and Fiddleford plays on his banjo, Ford says he can practically see ‘the age lift off his face’.

A common thing in romance stories is thinking back on when the duo was younger together, this mimics that plot device.

-Ford draws Fiddleford more than once in journal 3

He usually only draws people once in the journal, but Fiddleford and his family get drawn more than once. This may mean he considers him as close as family

He also draws him from behind, obscuring his face as if Fiddleford doesnt know he is drawing him or if he feels guilty about doing so [Another common romance plot; drawing your crush without them knowing]

-Ford says Fiddleford has one of the biggest hearts he's ever seen, and says he used to hold him so dear

-Bill hates polyamory and calls Fiddleford a ‘third wheel’

Despite the Ford’s knowing each other longer

-Ford lets Fiddleford hug him during weirdmageddon and reciprocates despite disliking touch and only really being shown giving side hugs

Whether this is because he isnt used to Fiddleford full on hugging him or wasn't expecting to be forgiven and trusted so easily is up to debate, as the position leaves the back vulnerable to attack, showing how much Fiddleford trusts him.

They also shown in the ‘sorry’ photo in a side hug, hanging onto each other

-When Fiddleford brings up marriage Ford immediately shifts to him being thankful that Fiddleford is helping him.

-They stargazed together, one again a common romantic plot point

-In journal three there is a quote from when talking about the bunker's security system, ‘Sometimes I think how fortunate I am to be friends with F… because if this room is any indication, it would be terrifying to be his enemy’. This format is suspicious as the wording can make it seem joking, or make it seem like he is making an excuse for thinking this- and why would he feel weird for thinking this if there wasn't some sort of romantic undertones between them.

-In a livestream [‘Alex & Dana Charity Draw-A-Thon’ on TheMysteryofGF on youtube, at 45:48] When asked whether McGucket loves Ford, Alex says yes before expanding on that and calling them friends

At first I thought this was a way to get around Disney’s censors but later he confirms the deputy’s relationship

Story Importance

-Fiddleford is the only reason why Bill was able to be defeated

It took Ford around 30 years to build something able to destroy Bill, and it was a parallel Fiddleford that got him the final component to finish it, just looking at the weapon and knowing what it needed. Then the weapon that actually killed him was the memory gun, something that took Fiddleford under a year to create. [Maybe even in a couple of days whilst he wasn't in his right mind due to the gremloblin]

This combined with him and Ford's bond means Fiddleford is a real threat to Bill, as he keeps Ford grounded in reality and is smart enough to know something is wrong about what they are doing with the portal before anything happens, he even warns Ford, which makes him even more of a threat.

Bill attempts to manipulate Ford into distancing himself and thinking lowly of Fiddleford, and it works, for a period of time. It really shows how strong their bond is because while he is angry at Fiddleford leaving the event planted the seeds of doubt in his brain. Instead of continuing to trust Bill when he starts hearing things after years of being manipulated [Bill would even injure him! And Ford did not react like a person not being abused typically would in that situation], he realises Fiddleford was right and confronts Bill who likely realised that he could no longer manipulate him, as if he thought he could continue he would have, it would have been easier to reach his goal that way.

Fiddleford leaving is what caused Stanford to unravel as Fiddleford was the only one grounding him.

Stanford brushing off Fiddleford’s thesis and fears was the turning point as the ring the witch gave him turned black after this altercation

-Stanford has presumably been carrying the guilt of how he treated fiddleford for 30 years, this likely contributed to Stanford pushing others away and acting how he did towards his brother and family after leaving the portal, as he didn't have that someone that helped him trust others anymore, he's been alone for 30 years.

-Fiddleford was Ford’s first ever real friend outside his family

When he met Fiddleford he helped prove his theory and they finished it together and put both their names on it, this is important to the story as the reason Ford doesn't accept his thesis is because he is paranoid of somebody else stealing his theory. [Parallel Fiddleford and Ford even share a company together]

Furthering the previous point Ford was considering telling Fiddleford of his muse before finding out Fiddleford had created a thesis for him, a thesis where Fiddleford only credited Ford and based it off his work. Ford instead of taking this as Fiddleford wanting to help instead took it the wrong way due to his paranoia

Fiddleford didn't even notice Ford’s polydactyl when they first met and seems completely unbothered by it, basically brushing over it. Bill on the other hand makes a big deal of it, basically saying its why he can become one of Bill’s ‘freaks’, something he was called as a child.

Bill acts as if he is the only one to understand Ford and as if he is Ford’s first and only friend to manipulate him, despite Fiddleford understanding him so well he can tell something is wrong from the smallest movement when Mabel couldn't tell something was wrong with Dipper. 

It takes Bill a long time to drive the duo apart and change Ford’s views of Fiddleford into ‘he wouldnt understand’ as he knows Fiddleford could ruin his plans [Bill had been with Ford since the 2nd journal and had time to manipulate him before Fiddleford arrived, even with this considered his view of his friend is still positive once he sees him again. He may say he has no choice but to ask for help before seeing Fiddleford, yet he is very very happy upon Fiddleford arriving- this hints that Bill has already started manipulating his views]

Ford wants to be famous and Bill feeds into his ego on this, knowing Ford wants to prove himself. Fiddleford can't seem to understand this as he already sees Ford as normal, but he wants him to be happy, which is why he helps because if money makes him happy so be it. Fiddleford does not question it and reserves judgement.

-Thank you to @jellied-beans in the comments for pointing out something I missed! That being without Fiddleford they would not have been able to get in and rescue Ford and all the other civilians.

Jellied-beans points out that Stan did not want to go through with the plan to rescue Ford, but it was Fiddleford who took the lead despite only recently regaining and reliving the trauma Ford had put him through, and even after he and Ford's last interaction was cruel.

Fiddleford is also the only reason the Shack-A-Tron became a thing, as it was his engineering and planning that saw it become a reality. Without him it would have taken much longer to rescue Ford and everyone else

This situation also goes to prove Fiddleford does in fact have a big heart and is empathetic as he not only rescues the man whos hurt him and easily forgives him, but Stan mentions that he led a bunch refugees to the shack with him.

End note; I attempted to keep in any points I have found and tried not to leave any information out, as well as leaving in anything nuanced [Such as the Christmas gift situation maybe being caused by the memory gun]. I find this important as I’ve seen people arguing against the ship and calling it generally toxic, whilst leaving out crucial details such as Bill's manipulation, as well as people calling Fiddleford a bad person due to the whole memory gun thing and completely ignoring why he did it.

[As a side note Fiddauthor definitely toxic during the Bill era, but overall it's not, and unlike Billford they are able to mend their relationship as its built on understanding and genuine feelings, as shown by the parallel world where they were able to trust each other and repair their relationship]

I have not read the Book of Bill yet so this might be updated later, any BoB content on this is just what I have seen circulating around.

🚨 We Need Your Kindness to Survive 🚨

Hello, My name is Mosab Elderawi, and I live in Gaza with my family. Life here has become harder than I ever imagined, and I’m writing this with hope in my heart that you might hear our story.

The ongoing war has devastated my family. We’ve lost 25 family members—each one a beloved part of our lives, taken too soon. I miss them deeply—their laughter, their presence, their love. Every day is a reminder of this unimaginable loss.

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We are now facing daily challenges to survive—things that most people take for granted, like food, clean water, and a safe place to sleep. The harsh realities of life here have replaced our dreams with the constant fight for survival.

Our Current Situation:

💔 Lost Stability: The war has left us without work or a stable source of income. 🍞 Basic Needs: Food and water are becoming harder to afford with rising prices and scarce resources. 📚 Dreams on Hold: Like so many here, my family’s dreams have been replaced by the need to simply survive. 😢 Unimaginable Loss: Losing 25 loved ones has left a void that can never be filled.

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Thank you for reading this far. It means the world to us to know that someone is listening. Your kindness gives us strength and helps us believe in a better tomorrow.

With all our gratitude, Mosab Elderawi and Family ❤️

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