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How to Marvelously piss off a Bat: A Guide by Billy Batson, Pt 1

Bruce: Hint at anything and everything prophetic, alternate futures or timelines where something goes horribly wrong. The sheer amount of stress will piss him off, weather its true or not.

Ex:

Billy: Well, this could be worse…

Batman: Superman is flinging himself into buildings high on fear gas, how does this get any worse chum?

Billy: Well hes not murdering his wife or lasering my eyes out right now so we’re definitely in the better timeline

Bruce: he’s not What now

Dick: Midair super-speed pokes. The slightest jab at the side, ankle, or even knuckle mid leap or drive freaks him out and leaves him fumbling a lot.

Ex:

Nightwing, happily summersaulting off buildings preparing to grapple to another mid flip: It’s a bird, its a plane, its the Lord Gray-

Captain Marvel, gaining righteous revenge for his bowl of marshmallow only lucky charms: (Pokes the back of his right knee) bop

Nightwing, now clutching his right knee 57 stories up: so-IIIIIEEEEEE

Jason: Stick a plunger on that crome dome of a helmet, bonus anger points if its during a meeting or in front of people he’s trying to intimidate

Ex:

The Red Hood, scourge of Gothams criminal underworld, in a meeting with his lieutenants: Next thing on our agenda-

The Red Hood, now with 3 plungers stuck to his helmet: We- what the hell

The Hoodlum from the warehouse rafters: THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR SELLING ME OUT TO BATMAN JERK FACE!!!

Hood, taking a plunger off and pointing it at Hoodlum: I KNOW 17 WAYS TO KILL YOU WITH THIS THING YOU LITTLE SHIT, SO YOU’VE GOT 17 SECONDS TO RUN!!

Tim: Mutter something sounding like a vague hex within his proximity, he’ll think you cursed him if he knows you’re petty enough. Basically a magical non-magical psych out

Ex:

Tim, very tired: I am not helping you beat Damians score on Cheese Viking Billy, that goblin will know you cheated and then its my head on the same stick as yours.

Billy, muttering under his breath while walking away: oi karpoí tou kópou sou na xekinísoun sto stóma sou (may the fruits of your labor sour in your mouth)

Tim, understanding the Greek and that billy has ties to Greek gods and magic: *panik*

@thefantasmarex

Canon

Reblog this!!

I need Joker to fear Captain Marvel so dam badly. Let me explain.

So we know how we, as a community, all accepted that Billy Batson / Captain Marvel is the most egregious Tax Evader of DC (for this who don’t know, there was a whole poll and our boy Billy won out of literally everyone, including supervillains).

And in the Batman Cartoon (and some comics), it’s stated that Joker is terrified of the IRS.

I think you see the picture.

Joker: I may be crazy enough to fight Batman, but I am NOT crazy enough to deal with the IRS

Captain Marvel: lol imagine doing your taxes

Everyone present: w h a t

*clip goes viral*

IRS Agent: So, Captain Marvel was it? According to this footage, you have no been paying your taxes

Marvel: prove it.

IRS Agent: What?

Marvel: to make me pay anything, you need to know who I am and what’s to pay. I got nothing to pay.

IRS Agent: that’s not-

Marvel: not even Batman knows who or what I am. For all you know, I could be living in a multidimensional rock situated in, quite literally, the middle of nowhere.

IRS Agent: …

IRS Agent: I- w h a t

*some time later*

IRS AGENT: YOU BORE A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO LATE CC BATSON. SOMEONE WHO HASNT PAID TAXES IN 70 YEARS! YOU OWE US TAXES

Marvel: no I’m not

IRS Agent: Don’t try-

Marvel, holding the lasso of truth: I am not CC Batson, I don’t owe you shit. Plus he’s totes dead so can’t be me.

IRS Agent: DAMMIT

Joker: This mofo is crazy! Crazy? I was crazy onc-

*later*

IRS Agent, in Fawcette: why is none telling me anything!!!! You, Child, what do you know of your local hero?

Itty Bitty Billy Batson: lmao aren’t you that Agent harassing Cap

IRS Agent: it’s not harassment if he owes the government taxes

Billy: good luck taxing anyone in Fawcette lmao, magic doesn’t give a shit about that. Also we have different currency’s that just switches on random basis. So unless the government takes Drachmas, you’re cooked

IRS Agent, on the verge of tears: this has never happened before

Lex Luthor: WRITE THAT DOWN WRTE THAT DOWN

Bonus:

Billy: you know, I know someone who has been commuting tax evasion, tax fraud and more charges. His name is Ebenezer Batson. That’s E B E N Z E R and he lives just outside of Fawcette. Can’t miss him.

IRS Agent, who has a fridge with ‘CC Batson’ and is more than happy to get old man prey: thanks kid

Bonus 2:

Billy: Sweet, the IRS put my uncle in jail and the police gave me back my inheritance. Now to convert this into Fawcette currency (they will not be taxing this money)

Joker, visibly weeps

Happy @shazam-secret-santa my friend, @syenago ‼️

Sorry your gift is being posted slightly late! I messed up the time zone when I queued this😅

Hope you enjoy!! I loved your idea for Cap being seen as Billy’s dad, and with this audio being pretty viral… I thought it was perfect.

Hope you’ve had happy holidays🫶✨💕

The stills‼️‼️

Today's reminder.

AO3 COME BACK!!!!!!

Ao3 I swear to god if you say I need to get rid of something or log in I’m going to cry. Like stop logging me out when I’m trying to go to the next page or when I’m trying to click on a fanfic

This is the only day you can RT this