zella-rose
I write posts about AvPD. You can read them here!
160 posts
Latest Posts by zella-rose
I know covid 19 has been going on for long. It is terrible and I hope with all my heart that it is over soon. I want you to know that following the restrictions save lives, and it’s okay if they make you sad. It’s okay if everything seems harder now than in the first months. We have been in this a long time and now it’s (for some of us atleast) very dark outside. It is hard. It is lonely, but we got to keep on going. We will make it. There is light ahead with vaccines. More and more restrictions may be added, dependent on where we each live. It will be okay again. Hang in there. For what it is worth: You are not alone and your feelings are valid. It’s scary and it may be getting to you a lot more now as the months went on. Winter is already a tough season for many people. Adding covid 19 on top of that? That is a lot. Do not beat yourself up. Hang in there, do what you can to take care of yourself and talk to someone.
We will make it through. It will be hard, but we will make it. 🌸
tips n tricks for cool kids Add your own tips if you got em!
‘The world is out here celebrating like it’s the end of Return of the Jedi.
That’s because it kind of is.’
(via twitter @RanttMedia)
hey, remember how a while ago i wrote a book about how cooking is a pain in the ass and keeping yourself alive is endless drudgery? it’s been pointed out to me that maybe, here in 2020 with…all this…it’s the kind of thing that might be useful to people.
so hey! i wrote a book about how cooking is a pain in the ass. i literally called it cooking is terrible, and you can read a bunch of posts (mostly asks) about it in my cooking is terrible tag.
you can buy it through most ebook retailers, you can request it at your library, you can buy it on gumroad and amazon and kobo and a bunch of other stores, and there’s also a paperback on amazon.
i’m actually a pretty good cook, and i love a cooking project, but the day to day of having to eat (multiple times??) and do dishes and plan everything is just like. so much more work than i care to put into it. so i started making lists of things that you could do if you were literally only going to spend, say, five minutes in the kitchen, and ways you could cook that required as little equipment, time, and energy as possible.
it was partly written for my kid, and partly for me, and partly for anyone else who’s disabled or pressed for time or struggles with executive function or just fucking hates cooking. if you’re staring into the barrel of 2020 and only just barely dragging yourself out of bed, it’s for you, too.
also, it’s been marked down to $2.99 us on all the sites i can do it on, because i think it’s nice when we do things like keep ourselves alive, and i’d like for people to have a slightly easier time of that.
your bare minimum isn’t actually that bare or minimum. my dad once told me that there’s nothing in this world that’s easy and that’s true tbh. everything we do takes energy, time, and effort. even the little things. if you feel like you’re not doing enough please try to think about your circumstances and what’s currently available to you: chances are, there’s something that’s diverting or otherwise draining you. and to pull away from that and get something done regardless? well, i think that’s really admirable! please try to take pride in the things you do accomplish in a day, no matter how small or trifling you perceive them to be. you can’t be proud of your growth if you don’t notice where you already are!
Workbooks and Self-Help Books for Mental Illnesses & Symptoms
Hello everybody! I was just thinking about how I always recommend people who can’t get therapy to use workbooks, so I thought I’d make a quick list of some you could look at. I’m not comfortable recommending books for things I have not struggled with (like, if I was looking at the description of a book on OCD I’d have no idea if it was good or not) but I think I’ve covered a lot. Some of these are series which have workbooks for specific disorders like bipolar, etc., if you want to find some. Plus, you don’t have to be diagnosed with something to use a workbook if you think it’ll help you.
Workbooks are sometimes made to be done in conjunction with therapy, or something like that, but anyone can still get something out of them if you put in regular work and try to apply the skills.
I’ve linked them all the Amazon because they’re usually cheaper on there.
For reference: DBT = dialectical behaviour therapy, CBT = cognitive behavioural therapy, ACT = acceptance and commitment therapy
Anxiety, Depression, and Intrusive Thoughts
The CBT Anxiety Solution Workbook
The Anxiety and Worry Workbook
The DBT Skills Workbook for Anxiety
The Anxiety Toolkit
Depressed and Anxious: The DBT Workbook
The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression
The Cognitive Behavioural Workbook for Depression
Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts
The Anxious Thoughts Workbook
Borderline Personality Disorder
The BPD Survival Guide
Stronger Than BPD
You Untangled
Mindfulness for BPD
The BPD Toolbox
Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery
Interpersonal Problems
The Interpersonal Problems Workbook
ACT for Interpersonal Issues
Anger
The DBT Skills Workbook for Anger
The Anger Workbook for Teens
Anger Management for Everyone
ACT on Life Not on Anger
Trauma and PTSD
Overcoming Trauma and PTSD
The PTSD Workbook For Teens
The Complex PTSD Workbook
You Empowered
Self Harm
Freedom from Self harm
Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Self-Injury
Rewrite: The Journey from Self-Harm to Healing
General Emotional Issues/Multiple Disorders
Letting Go of Self-Destructive Behaviors: A Workbook
The DBT Skills Workbook
Don’t Let Emotions Run Your Life
The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions
The Mindfulness-Based Emotional Balance Workbook
Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods Workbook
Apologies for the format and need to zoom, but I thought this response was wonderful
Just a PSA: if you’re starting to feel like your mental health has been going down the drain and feeling really low and fatigued and finding it hard to do stuff, please be kind to yourself.
My psych has told me she’s seeing LOTS of people go into this state, and it’s because all the adrenaline and anxiety and stress at the start of corona has been used up, and now your brain is going into a sort of depressive mode.
So please be kind to yourself, don’t push yourself too hard and ask for extra support if you need it! !
If you’re struggling, here’s some words from Angry Prayers for Furious Survivors
Shop, Patreon, Books and Cards, Mailing List
“In that way, you’ve acknowledged that you’re unsure, that you don’t know what to do or say. You’ve acknowledged that you see them. They feel seen. They feel heard and acknowledged, which is huge for someone who’s in crisis.” Wentworth Miller | Q&A at Oxford Union | 2016 | x
there’s no rule as to how big or how small you’re allowed to dream. if you just want a small home and an orange kitchen and four cats that’s just as reasonable of a goal to work for as a big new york penthouse. and if all you really want is a simplistic career that isn’t the center of your life then that’s just as valid as dreaming of becoming a famous fashion designer or ceo. i know everyone keeps urging you to dream big, but dreams can be as simple and small as you want. they’ll always be valid. you decide how you want to live and what kind of life you want, no one else.
PsychologyDaily.com ➤ Sleep App ➤ Google Play: https://ift.tt/2Oplarb
^NPR link.
Under the rules of the order, renters have to sign a declaration saying they don't make more than $99,000 a year — or twice that if filing a joint tax return — and that they have no other option if evicted other than homelessness or living with more people in close proximity.
There is an EVICTION MORATORIUM in the entire U.S. until the new year, but you MUST declare it to your landlord in order for it to be effective. This does not cancel your rent, but it will delay a potential eviction. PLEASE share this info so that those who need it, have it, bc they aren’t being vocal in promoting this.
source
Ah the free market at work. (Similar to when I went to CVS to pickup a 90$ prescription and they had their own generic version for 7.99).
“Darling, you deserve it all. You deserve love and peace and magic and joy dancing in your eyes. You deserve hearty, deep-belly laughter and the right to let those tears fall and water the soil. You deserve freedom and goodness and company and days of bliss and quiet too. You deserve you happy and healed and content and open. So keep going, darling. Keep going.”
— Unknown
#Coping with coronavirus and dissociation
The following recommendations might be very basic, but I find they’ve been helping me to stay on track. I have been having difficulties with DID and complex PTSD symptoms and almost ended up kind of losing touch with reality in certain ways because of feeling so far away from the world but also not wanting to interact with ‘the outside.’ Things got pretty rough during the cold months in my country when winter storms and frigid temperatures kept everyone indoors and miserable, which made me withdraw from friends even though I was thinking of them and wanting to see them. It was like the pandemic was inspiring me to disappear, which was nice at first but soon became problematic as my issues with depression, anxiety, etc. went haywire. I had to come up with some fundamentals to figure out how to cope through it all.
I’ve recently taken up photography, using solitary adventuring to explore and contemplate or even meditate while snapping shots of the world around me. It’s also turned into an exercise for mindfulness, which has been helpful especially as summertime hit. Since photography is something that can be done pretty easily with company and while physical distancing, I’ve been visiting with friends within my ‘social bubble’ of less than 10 people, keeping it safe and relaxed as I’ve incorporated visits on a weekly basis to add some socializing to my routine.
Speaking of routines, the ones I’ve fallen back on daily have made me feel more stable and in control on multiple levels. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep from working all of the time or becoming lost in never ending creative projects and burning out, so I’ve also taken the time to do yoga, which has given me the opportunity to meditate on how I can be there for others and perform acts of kindness, support, and compassion while also figuring out how to care for myself and tweak my perception so as to avoid becoming lost in cognitive distortions that would certainly make things worse.
Though routine is a big source of comfort, I also find that it’s been equally important to have things to look forward to, certain moments with friends and loved ones that seem to be given more meaning in the disconnect. One thing that has happened recently, which has been a source of comfort and fun for both my partner and I, has been the adoption of a young kitten. I feel like spending time with pets can be as comforting as spending time with people and has helped me find a balance when it comes to lingering for too long in front of screens.
Last but not least, a huge source of stability has been to spend a decent amount of time outside, soaking in a bit of light and enjoying the fresh air, or even stepping out to enjoy the cooling freshness of a rainy day. We might not be able to spend time up close with friends, but it can be very helpful to connect with nature however and whenever possible.
It might sometimes feel easier to withdraw and disappear, but that line of thinking can be pretty misleading and counterproductive. I feel like creativity is often overlooked during such stressful times but is something that can help release stress and provide distractions from wanting to constantly check social media or wind up in a black hole of television/streaming binges. No matter what you end up doing, however, always remember to treat yourself properly, care for your body, and also remember to be gentle with yourself when necessary. Even with this insanity going on in the world, you are worth it and deserve to feel comfort even and especially during the loneliest moments.
Thank you for submitting this! This is all very good advice. I’m glad that you’ve found several ways to make the pandemic easier for you to cope with, and I hope that this helps some of our followers as well. Take care.
——————————————-
We’re welcoming asks and submissions about coping during the coronavirus pandemic with the hashtag #coping with coronavirus and dissociation. If you’d like to participate, send us an ask or submit a post! More details can be found here. For those who missed it, we also have a masterpost about coping techniques during the pandemic here.
i mean, but also, knowing your limits and knowing when you need to step back so that you don’t act resentful or stressed out by your own kids, is part of being a good parent.
everyone has limits. getting to take a break can make you a better parent, because you’re a little refreshed when you get back, and you’re actively glad to see your kids, and it makes you happy to be with them! they can see that stuff clearly, too.
it’s OK to recognize that you as a parent need more support and more time to not-always-be-parenting. to retain your sanity and self-perception as your whole self and not just the parenting role. burnout is a real thing, and shutting down people who are grappling with this particular stress isn’t going to help them acknowledge or move through those feelings — or figure out ways to help themselves de-stress, recharge, and nourish themselves in spite of their life pressures.
no human can be 100% on, 100% of the time, and that doesn’t change when you have a kid. this is a huge part of why extended families and local communities are so important in child-rearing (‘it takes a village’) — having support makes you, yourself, a better and more patient parent, because you aren’t constantly running on fumes.
speaking from personal experience, my parents raised me without any help. it was really hard on them — and on me, because that just isn’t how children are meant to grow up. but it’s not how parents are meant to parent, either.
i understand that better now that i have kids myself and, hey, i’m still autistic! my limits are clearer than most people’s, and maybe as a result i need more help (=auxiliary carers so that i can take care of myself). it sure has made me aware of this balance.
of course, yes, it’s absolutely not okay for your kids to think or know that you resent them/parenthood, or that you don’t want to be around them. and they REALLY DO know much more than others guess. (again, i was one of those kids. a lot of us were, i imagine.)
but the best way to prevent that whole mess from happening is to handle your feelings yourself, so that you can engage in parent-child interactions better. (with calmness, affection, wisdom, humility, blah blah.) but that requires time and energy for self-care, which is obviously in short supply. aaannnd it also helps not to be judged by strangers on the internet.
sometimes venting to an adult is how you meet your emotional needs enough to leave that stuff aside, and go be genuinely present with your kid, with gratitude instead of resentment.
self care skills are parenting skills. ❤️
I just read the line “President Donald Trump also indicated that federal squads would likely target cities run by the party that opposes him” in a real-life news article and I’m just thinking about how people really thought Democrats were overreacting in 2016 and that we should “give him a chance”
I’ve always struggled with social anxiety and self-confidence in different areas. It waxes and wanes in amplitude, but it’s always there. This affects my ability to do research as I struggle to do things like use the phone, send emails asking people to do things in a timely fashion, and finish work due to perfectionism. It was really bad a couple of years ago, during my PhD. We had official annual meetings with a member of staff to check on progress back then, which were a good idea but terrified the students. I always had mine with a member of faculty a lot of people are scared of. I’m not sure why, maybe because their courses were very difficult and they was a strict marker? I’d heard they’d mellowed over the years so maybe, like a fear of the dark, students’ wariness passed down the generations. Whatever the reason, I’d never been scared of them, and always saw them as a fair mind when it came to assessing my progress. I wouldn’t believe myself or my friends mostly, but I’d trust them to tell the truth. On my last meeting they knew I wasn’t very well. I always cried in these meetings through stress/lifting of stress, so true to form the box of tissues were ready and they offered me a fruit tea. I had the summer fruits. It was really sweet and calming, and I didn’t need the tissues that year. We spoke at length about why I was struggling within myself when my work seemed perfectly fine, even really good in places. And we got talking about anxiety when not at work. Turns out both of us have similar social anxiety problems! We both struggle to go in a shop with no or few other customers, because we hate being watched by staff. It’s really specific but I bet it’s common haha. We both hate using the phone, even ordering take away is difficult! Maybe this is why I wasn’t scared of them? At any rate, it was great to know I wasn’t alone, here was a full professor with the same problems I have, still doing science! But, I asked, how do you do it? How did you get this high up the ladder and not quit, or not take it out on yourself? How are you not anxious all the time? Oh, I am anxious, they said. I was really bad for years. Wouldn’t use the phone at all. But then I was made Head of Department. That’s terrifying! What did you do? Well I was still anxious, about using the phone for example. But I realised, the Head of Department uses the phone to call people to get things sorted quickly. And at the moment, I’m Head of Department. That’s the hat I’m wearing. The Head of Department picks up the phone and the Head of Department speaks to people to Get Things Done. That’s a role I’m performing, that’s all, and people expect me to be the Head of Department. And it helped, and now I can use the phone because I’m used to it. Hearing them say that was a bit of an epiphany. They weren’t saying “just suck it up”, it’s a complete reframing of the interaction.
YOU might not like using the telephone to ask so-and-so to do something, but Scientist-In-Charge-Of-Making-This-Thing-Work DOES call Collaborators to remind them, and then Collaborators can respond that they forgot, or they have it scheduled in for next week, because it’s their role to do something.
YOU might be scared of going into that shop, but a Potential Customer does go into shops and look around. Potential Customer might be asked by Sales Rep whether they need help, and Potential Customer can say just browsing. Sales Rep may watch Potential Customer browse, but that’s okay, because they’re waiting to perform their role. And when Potential Customer leaves the shop, they aren’t that role anymore, back to self. Interaction done.
YOU might not want to email that person to ask them for a reference, BUT a Final Year Student DOES send the email, because part of their role is to get a reference at the end. And the person receiving the email also has a role, and that is Someone Who Sometimes Gets Reference Requests, that they can response Yes or No to. Then Final Year Student can get their reference about Final Year Student or can move on to someone else. Interaction over. Slate clean. Sometimes we get so caught up we forget that many of the things we do are divorced from our own self, and we worry about judgements from other people. But in a lot of our interactions, especially at work or school, we have a set of roles and rules. When it’s getting really hard for me to do things like email, phone, or go somewhere, it helps me to think of that Professor’s first day as Head of Department, them sitting there with that weight of responsibility and internally screaming as they pick up the phone the first time, because that’s what Head of Departments do. If they can do it and normalise it, I know I can too. One day! :)