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I don't see myself and my child self as the same person. As a child I was so good. I love her and I think that she deserves the world, but it breaks my heart to know that she is cursed to grow into me.
One day food stops being a treat and then it becomes a sin. One day she will start to smile as she almost falls as she stands up because that means that it's working.
When she does eat she hates herself.
And she misses the days where she felt beautiful. When she didn't get dizzy every time she sees sharp objects. When she didn't know what they feel like in her skin. When she didn't do it anyway because it hurts twice as much when she is so afraid.
And she can't help but wonder when it changed. When she started looking for the diet version of everything. When she stopped eating with her family. When she convinced herself that she was so utterly unlovable.
I wish I could save her because I deserve this but she doesn't. She was young and good. She deserved to end up happy. But she will end up where I am now. And playing dress up will change into dressing the cuts on her skin.
Suddenly make believe food is all that she will eat. Suddenly she's afraid to hug her mom because she knows that she'll feel her bones and she's come too far to stop now.
And she will realize that there is nothing keeping her here except for her fear.
This young girl who had so much love and so many dreams and ambitions is withering away as she grows but nothing changes because she is already too far gone.
And she watches as her health deteriorates because that means that she is small.
But once upon a time she was small, but she was happy and she didn't need to be small because that was not all that she was.
She was smart and kind and hopeful and so so loving
But now she is dying
And she is happy because she will finally be small again and then maybe someone will finally love her like they did back then
Because no one loves her unless she is fading
And she just wants to be held but no one is there anymore and she dreams of the big and warm arms from when she was young, but now her concerns don't make sense anymore, and people are getting tired of her
But she was once a small girl and that girl is doomed because one day she will stop loving herself and she will change everything just to feel loved even for a second
I'm sorry little me. You deserved better and I love you and I'm sorry that I failed you. You were too good for me.
I've never been good with reaching out to people but I finally had my group and I thought that I had found my people
But then time after time as soon as there were other people there it was like I didn't exist anymore and I'm so fucking tired
Is it really so selfish of me to want to feel important for once
Like damn I do everything I can for these people and when I haven't reached out in over a week nobody cares
Nothing changes and they move on without me and then when I finally suck it up and go back because I'm a whore for any sort of attention no matter how fleeting they will act like it's just a silly little thing that I did
I can't stand being alone I can't be alone with myself anymore
But they make me feel so goddamn pathetic
when you finally reach that numb after the breakdown >>>