All For The Game - Blog Posts

The way Neil Josten switched into Nathaniel in order to process and handle the abuse and trauma of being found by his father's people and the reality of his looming death will never not fuck me up, he literally said I can't handle this but maybe the Butcher's son could. And then. And then!! The way those two versions of himself coalesce into Neil Abram Josten (legally recognised) after Nathan is dead and the truth is out? The Neil Josten we see in The Sunshine Court has all of the attachments of Neil Josten, the slow unraveling of family and care but all of the hard edges of Nathaniel, unflinching from the reality of the world he lives in and the decisions he has to make to keep his life. Nathaniel would never have stuck around long enough to care about Jean Moreau and call a hit out on his abuser. Neil would never have trusted those resources available to him (or potentially the trail it could leave) in order to deal with the problem in one brutal but efficient move. But Neil Abram Josten reforged could, would and did.

I was reading the extras and was graced with a chapter, from Renee's POV, on Jean's rescue from the Ravens

And can we just stop to admire how, when she wants, Renee can serve cunt very well??

That peace sign for Riko while leaving in a masseratti with Jean at her side was pure GOLD

Also, fucking telling Zane that Riko can take it up with her if he "has something to say about it" was THE boss move.

Adding the "Im sure he knows where to find me" was the cherry on top of the cake

And that was the day the Ravens fully confirmed that the Foxes dont tolerate Neil's attitude problem, they all have an attitude problem

Anyways, we all stan Renee Walker

something about jean having to live under the ground in the nest for so long but the people he loves are from the sky

renee is a rainbow. kevin is a star. jeremy is the sun.

If that right here isnt a print from the chat between Kevin and Andrew, then Im crazy

This is 100% cannon, it is true, I was the cellphone

Forever a Kandreil shipper

But also, it is important to note that, independently of any romantic feelings they might have for each other, Neil and Andrew both care deeply for Kevin

Kevin has become a part of Andrew's considered family. For Andrew, Kevin is his ppl and will always be. If you mess with Kevin, you mess with Andrew. Even after the deals are over (his with Kevin and with Neil), Andrew still takes them to the Court at night, bc those are his ppl, his family.

Neil literally decided to stay on the Foxes because in his own words, between him and Kevin, one of them had to live. He wanted to make sure Kevin would be able to outlive it all, bc he was sure he wouldnt. In the Foxhole Court he says that if something happenned to Kevin, he wouldnt be able to handle receiving the news on the other side of the world, he needed to be there, with him.

Neil was basically the one who convinced Kevin to stop accepting being number 2 when everyone knew he was better then Riko. He cared about Kevin and wanted to see him in his rightful place as the best striker, he could literally not bare to see someone he cared about holding themselfs down.

Both of them in canon have a deep connection with Kevin. The inverse is also true for Kevin, that also deeply cares about them.

Thats why he gets so mad when he sees that Andrew doesnt take Exy seriously, or why he accepted to keep on helping Neil in the Court, even when he found out Neil was basically a living-dead, walking around on borrowed time. Thats also why he made sure Neil knew he would be there if Neil wanted to talk after arriving from Evermore(even though he is terrible at dealing with emotions), or why he didnt want Neil to go in the first place.

Denying how much they care about each other ir absolutely CRAZY. Even if you dont believe there is romantic or sexual attraction (which would mean you are wrong), denying there is at least platonic love between them is just kind of stupid

Very random but I just saw social media posts that were funny but also do not seem to understand how much Neil and Andrew love Kevin (though they are also all cunts to each other) and do not have that underlying care within them and I had to leave and Became Distraught. Back to the kandrew tag with me. When will everyone understand The Love There. That’s their best friend even if you don’t ship kandreil (I will never stop shipping kandreil and do literally like it more than just the two of them alone however. Which is just basic math because then there’s more things I like in there when you add those other dynamics)

kandreil is real till I die and 200 centuries after that!!! also you're right Andrew and Neil are deeply in love with Kevin even if they don't want to cross the line between their weird friendship and even more weird 'nothing'... they do respect Kevin's choice to remain straight... if he'd only made the first move... oh andrew would crash him between his fingers

it's sad ofc that sometimes people see kandreil as a weird thing from drafts or a sexy threesome but honestly we should bring our hopes up and make kandreil great again!! live laugh love kandreil 💋

This would definitely be the type of gossip I tell absolutely everyone, like: "do you know Neil Josten? The exy player that is a son of a crime Lord? Yeah, I played with him in the last year of High School, let me tell yall, kid was weird"

y’all ever think about neil’s high school classmates? like this weird kid played with them for a year and then a few months later shows up playing for a shitty team and then the media coverage about him just gets progressively more unhinged. (kathy’s show, his press duty, his looks post-evermore, the coverage post-baltimore, etc)

and then a few years later he’s playing in the pros, is like the fastest starting striker in the history of exy, he’s gonna be on the olympic team, and it’s revealed he’s married to the angry blonde goalkeeper

Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that in that scene Dan kissed Matt to the sound of the crowd's roar??

Like, that shit is f-ing epic

Imagine you are the captain in the team your boyfriend also plays, you just won a game and got yourselfs to round three of the championships for the first time ever, which is something you have been dreaming and working towards for ages.So you run over, take your boyfriend's helmet off and kisses him in the middle of the Court, with the whole crowd cheering and roaring. Literally "the alchemy" (by Taylor Swift): "cheers chanting cause they said there was no chance. Trying to be the greatest in the league. Wheres the trophy? He(she) comes running over to me"

Off course, Neil barely payed attention to that bc our demisexual king only had eyes to Andrew

Still epic as fuck. You go Queen Dan Wilds

"you're crazy they don't even interact in canon!!"

WHAT'S THIS?!?

anyway they're funny and kissing a boy would fix kevin so that's enough to ship them

I just love how Nora isnt afraid of giving scars or weird/ugyl marks to her characters

And like, not that cool type of small sexy scar on the lips and eyes, they are ugly, just like the violence they have suffered and endured. They are marks forever ingraved on their skins of the terrible things done to them, or of what the horrible things done to them made they do to themselfs

Like, fuck, Neil's face has the scar of a cut cauterized by a lighter on one side and on the other he has the scar of cuts in his entire cheek, one of them goes from near his eyes to the side of his lips. Not to mention tge burn mark of an iron literally printed near his shoulder or all the cuts in his chest and back

Not cute at all

Andrew is full of self harm scars on his arms (and anyone who has seen those knows how many looks they attract and how they get ugly with time)

Both Jean and Kevin are full of scars on their chests, specially Jean, but Kevin too (which is confirmed in cannon many times, but the first one of them is when Riko is about to carve Neil's chest with a knife and he says he is gonna love to hurt him just like he used to love hurting Kevin)

Kevin has that horrible scar on his left hand bc of what Riko did

Renee has scars from knife fights and has that ugly ass tattoo made literally with almost the same type of ink they use to make tattoos in prision (have you ever seen a prision tattoo?? That shit is ugly as hell)

Matt has the injection scars all over his arm from when he was an addict (many ppl forget that)

If I remember correctly, Aaron also has the injection scars

Those kids have gone through hell and back. They carry the emotional and physical scars of that. And yes, it is not pretty or romantic, but it isnt supposed to be. All of those marks and scars are reminders that the Foxes(plus Jean) were failed time after time again by the ones who should protect them or even hurten directly by those who should be their family and protectors. They are there out of spite, but everything they gone through doesnt disappear just bc things have gotten better, and I feel like the scars and marks are Nora's way of reminding us of that. All the memories and pains will still be there, still aching from time to time. It will hurt less and less, but that distant reminder of what was done to them will always be there

And honestly, I love Nora for it. So many authors make their characters go trough the worst of it all and they seem to get out of it just fine (physically and mentally), it is a relief to see an author who is not afraid to remind us that all those things always leave their marks (even though it hurts like hell to read it, my babys should have been protected)

can we repost with Neil Jostens search history

credits to this post for giving me the idea

So I have been thinking and I noticed one kind of disturbing thing in the backstories revealed in TGR

So, we all know Jean tried to end his own life at the Nest and Riko tortured him for it and then locked him basically on a box with breathing holes

During the time Jean was locked in there, Kevin went to talk to him and made him promise to not try it again, bc he wouldnt be able to handle being left alone with Riko again (before Jean's arrival when they were all 14ish, it was just Kevin and Riko). Jean promised it to him, and not matter how much he wanted to, he never dared to break the promise, even after Kevin had left.

Riko never knew this talk or this promise happened, which means that this mtf probably thought the reason why Jean never tried to kill himself again was bc of the torture he faced after he tried it 🤡

Like, Riko was probably outhere thinking that locking someone up in a coffin for days is a super effective way to prevent future suicide attempts (kinda ironic since Riko died of "suicide", aah the karma that came to this little bitch will never not me amazing to me)

Anyways, just wanted to share with yall my disturbing thought of the night

"Just please let me go" was the most hearbreaking wording choice Nora could have done

It shows everything

First of all how done and tired he is ("just")

Also the "let me go" part: he is not asking only to be left alive, he is asking his father to let him go, let him live his life.

In book one he says that everytime he wakes up he has to remind himself everything is okay bc he always wakes up thinking his father found him and he has to take a few deep breaths and ground himself before starting his day

This has been this boy's life EVERY DAY for NINE YEARS, in other words, this has been his life for about 3.200 days.

This "let me go" isnt just a desperate plea for his life, but it is the plea of a kid who cant stand being afraid, scared and always on the run anymore. It has been NINE YEARS, and Nathan just cant let him go, for NINE YEARS Nathan didnt allow neither him or his mother to really go and he made their lifes a living hell. So what Neil is asking here is to be freed from the nightmare his whole life had always been, because of Nathan

He knows it is not gonna work, but he cant take it anymore. He had been strong for too much time and at that moment, all he wanted to was to live, but really live, not just be alive. And he couldnt do that unless his father letted him go

Another thing that always hurts me about this part is that he had accepted he was gonna die, literally until he saw his father

When it comes to kidnappings you should NEVER allow your kidnappers to take you to a second location. If you get kidnapped and you plan on trying to run, you gotta do it BEFORE you get to the second location. No matter how hard it seems to scape, it will be even harder once you are in the second location. Once you arrive where your kidnappers want you, then it is almost surely game over

Neil probably knew this very well. Like, even my mom taught me that, Mary definitely taught this to him

But even knowing that, when does he decides to try to scape???

Not only when he was already inside his father's house, at his basement (aka: second location), but also when his father arrived (aka: the worst possible time)

And this wasn't a rational decision

When Neil received Lola's call, he accepted he was gonna die that day. He didnt fight it, bc he had already accepted he was gonna be dead before may. Off course, it was earlier then what he wanted it to be, but it felt just like destiny knocking earlier at his door

But then he saw his father and reality hitted, HE WAS GONNA DIE

And at that moment he realized he wasnt fucking ready to go, not now, not this early. There was so much he wanted, most importantly there were the Foxes, he didnt want to leave them, he didnt want to leave Andrew, he wasnt ready. He tought he was, but he wasn't

And thats when he makes his desperate scape attempt and his desperate last plea "just please let me go", that wasnt a plea just for his life. He was asking his father to, after nine years, allow him to be happy, to be safe, to "go". It is the last plea of an abused kid to his abuser. "Just stop abusing me, Just stop obsessing with me. LET ME LIVE"

He knows it wont work, but at this point, after finally finding what to live for, he had to at least try it

If Nathan had found him at the beggining of his first season with the Foxes or while he was still in his HS team, he would have died without letting out a single scream or plea. Bc at that point he was living out of spite. He was living with the hopes he would eventually find what to live for. He had nothing but his pride, and he sure as hell wasnt gonna allow Nathan to take it from him.

But when Baltimore happens, he had found what to live for, his wildest hopes became true, he had what to live for. He realizes it when he finally sees his father after all this time. So at that point, fuck his pride, the Foxes were more important then that. So he begs. Knowing it will fall on death ears, but the life he had built for himself was way too important for him to not try. Nathaniel, the kid raised to endure all sorts of pain and scape from an entire mafia, would never beg shit to his father. But the Foxes had humanized him, so at that moment he does what any other human would do: he asks for his life. There, it was the first time In the whole series Neil does something remotely similar to what a 19 years old would (and even so, he still kept a certain composure). And that was when Neil Josten finally buried Nathaniel Wesninski. He did what Neil would do at that moment, not what Nathaniel would

Anyways, he was just a kid and I hate Nathan so much

I just hope this bastard is burning in hell and having to watch his son heal and live in spite of him

genuinely the most heartbreaking part in aftg like out of the whole series is at the end of the kings men when neil snaps and starts begging for his life

like his “please, just let me go, just let me go i’m not—” LIKE UGHHHH

to me it really emphasizes just how young he is…like he’s literally only 19 he’s a teenager!!! begging for his life!!!! (after trying so hard to save face in front of lola in the car it didn’t even matter in the end bc fuck i’m about to die)

and also just the parallel with andrew and his hatred in the word, that he also said please and it didn’t work

(and the fact that he probably also came to a point where he knew it wouldn’t work but he had to try and beg anyways bc there’s no way out he has no other options he has nothing to gain but nothing to lose either just please let me go—)

*Said with a heavy French accent

Literally a whole series about second chances and yall are mad a character has fucked up and needs a second chance????

Ppl scare me honestely, like, how can you not understand it so hard that you read the whole series only to get to TGR and hate Jeremy???

tbh all these people I see who hate Jeremy because of what was revealed in tgr have a fundamental misunderstanding of not only the golden raven, but the entire message of aftg as a whole. and I'm not sorry for saying that.

the biggest act of love Andrew has ever done for Neil I think it’s when Neil was too much hurt to shower and he helped him. When he covered his bandages to not get them wet and he helped him out of his clothes and took his time to clean him. When he says “you’re a mess” so fondly, so caring, without being mean or without making him feel bad about it. You know what they say when two people are getting married, “in sickness and in health”, Andrew is such a great lover. The way he was consistent with his care, when Neil was hurt and when Neil was okay. I hold this pages of the kings men so close to my heart. Cause Andrew did so well, even though he went insane at the notion of losing Neil, in his craziness, he was perfect at taking care of him, at grounding him, gifting him matching armbands, cause he understands and he knows how does it feel to have scars and to not want them to be shown to others, the stares, the quiet condescending, the questions, the judging, the fake compassion. He knows it all and he never wants Neil to feel it too. When he let him stay in the shower, when he first let Neil see him so vulnerable when all the other time he couldn’t and he always wanted Neil out of the room, when he scrubbed him dry and when he wore Neil’s clothes in front of everyone, without a care in the world, when he opened the snack for him cause he couldn’t, when he prepared drinks for him at their holiday and let him chill a little bit, when he put his hand under Neil’s pillow. How I love him. How I cherish their love.

Screw it… Enid (from Wednesday) as Renee Walker.

Send tweet.

Neil is that stray cat who will scratch the absolute sh*t out of you if you try to hug or pet it

He needs ppl who will just accept his presence there, no matter how many cups he pushes off of the balcony(and he WILL push every mug or cup he has the opportunity to, bc he is just waiting for the time it is gonna be too much and everyone is gonna leave him, like he is used to) and ppl who will not bother or make a big deal out of it once he eventually decides to get close and lay on their laps or by their side. But getting close has to be his decision, bc his problem isnt that he thinks no one would ever show him love, his problem is that he believes he is too much and that this love will never be something permanent, at some point he is gonna cause too much trouble and ppl will give up on him. So he has to be the one to get close and he just needs ppl to be prepared for when he realizes they arent backing away, no matter how hard he tries to make them. Those are the Foxes. They respected all his limits (biggest example is the shower thing), stayed away as long as he needed to (but always in arms reach) and once he believed he had gone too far and nobody would be there for him (Baltimore), they still are there waiting. Thats when he opens up and allows them to come in his world. He would never survive the Trojans shower of affection or their worried intromissions in his life (not bc he didnt like them, but bc he would never see them as genuine, so he would see it as threat and run)

Jean is that dog that has been beaten and put to sleep on the outside way too many times. He doesnt know love, but he also doesnt know freedom. He doesnt need ppl to prove that they will stick by him, bc his abusers have stuck by his side all his life. He needs ppl to prove to him that they will stay by his side not because they hate or despise him, but because they love him deeply. Once he sees affection he will find it weird, but he will accept it (bc he was taught not to bite, unlike tge stray cat, that learned to bite and scratch at the smallest sign of a threat) long enough to actually start liking it. He will see the love he never had and even though it scares the fuck out of him, he will stay. He doesnt believe anybody would ever love him, but he has wished to be a loved qll his life with every cell of his body, so once he is in fact loved, even though it scares him and he doesnt think he desearves it, he cant help but to be drawn by it. For him it feels like a trap (why would anybody ever love HIM??), but he just cant help to fall for it. And once he realizes it in fact isnt a trap and that ppl actually like and find him worthy, he will also start to give this love back, bc thats all he ever wanted, to love and be loved. It still feels like ge is in a fever dream, but he just wants to enjoy every single part of it, like someone who has walked on a desert for days and suddenly finds a river with clean water

They are completely different, but at the same both Neil and Jean just wanted to find a family, to find ppl who would love and accept them for who they were and both have found it 🥹🥹

I just love them so much

The more I think about the differences between how the Trojans show affection vs how the Foxes do, the more I come to the conclusion that they unwittingly created the perfect environment for Jean and Neil’s arcs respectively.

Take for example the way Cat and Laila show Jean affection. The forehead kisses, the hugs, the endless reassurance and compassion. It may go without saying but Neil would’ve hated it if he ended up in that situation. He would’ve booked it faster than you can say Wesninski. But Jean? I mean sure he was baffled at first, but the way he grows to lean into it? The way he shows affection the same way back? Jean needed that brand of affection in a way Neil won’t ever. He needed to learn that he was deserving of such love; that there are people out there now who cared about him as deeply as he does them.

Neil on the other hand needed to learn a whole different set of lessons. The Foxes showing him that they care was less such obvious displays of love and more about patience in the face of his complications. More about their willingness to stick by him when the fabricated life he clung so hard to unraveled at the seams. Jean wouldn’t have flourished as much in that environment because he didn’t need understanding as much as he needed love. He didn’t need someone to help piece his life back together as much as he needed someone to love what was already there.

Neil is like an innocent looking stray cat that the foxes still kept even when they got bit; while Jean is like an abused show dog that the Trojans nurse back to health. And good lord do I love them both for it.

Whenever i think about post PSU Neil i just think about during signing season for Neil every PR team on all the pro teams just having a nervous breakdown and begging the managers to NOT sign Neil