Golden Child - Blog Posts

vent post bc im tired and feel alone in this

TW; dysfunctional families, implied abuse kinda I'm not really being abused

I fucking hate being "perfect." Stupid, I know, I feel like I should be grateful.

Have you heard about golden child and scapegoat dynamics in dysfunctional households? Because me and my brother are living examples of that. I'm the golden child and I loathe it.

I have it so much better then my brother, I know. But being the golden child, I am my mother's trophy, and it's exhausting. I am a doll, not a person. A bragging right. An award. I have to always do what I'm told, be smart, achieve high things, always have to look pretty, have perfect manners, tons of impossible expectations, be the perfect little girl. Or she starts yelling. I hate it so much. I'm tired, I'm really tired. I stress myself out to be enough for her. I'm the definition of a burnt out gifted kid. Yet i feel like i'm supposed to be grateful because the one above made me smart and pretty. I can only be who I really am online, with my s/o, or with my friends. And I loathe it.

And I just feel alone. I see posts about how golden children will become the abuser and it scares me. I don't feel like anyone understands that both the golden child and the scapegoat suffer. I don't want to be my mother, I swore I'd be better. I don't want to be her. I don't know how to break this cycle.

Fuck.

Being an older sibling, and seeing a younger sibling upset will never stop being painful.

It only adds to the pain when you aren't equally close to all of them, and the one with the most distance is the one in need of help.

We've never been overly close, and they seldom, if ever, come to me for help. Our parents were more gentle raising them, so they grew up healthier and more independent. That's a bit of a double edged sword, though. I could at least try to calm the others down and encourage them, but not this time. They probably don't want me to, and I wouldn't know how, even if they did.

It's strange how people who grew up in such close quarters, with the same parents have such drastically different connections with each other. The rest of us a close-knit clique, with a thin, frail connection to that island. It's not like any of us deliberately excluded each other growing up, and it's not like any of us saw it coming. It's no fault of our own, and it's upsetting, but that's the way things came out.

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