Hypochondria - Blog Posts

Update: for once I ran on the treadmill and my thoughts weren't sooo loud I shut them up when they got loud.

Jeff fuck u 🖕

Update on me 😊

So I've been on my anti anxiety meds for four months now and I must say..... I feel so much better now. My anxiety is still there which sucks but am able to shut it up easier now. I also stopped googling symptoms which is a huge thing and I don't ask for reinsurance that much anymore but sometimes when I get scared and Jeff decides to be a dick ( Jeff by the way is what I call my anxiety lmao) I ask but only once or twice. I also don't freak out about every little sensations i have!!!!! if I get a headache, I'm not terrified of it. Even though there has been good things, my anxiety is still there which means I still have some of my stuff still. But what really matters is that am learning how not to let it affect me anymore and I'm learning how to fight because im gonna be honest, its never gonna go away, but if I can get it to be not so loud, that's what matters. 

Okay sooo lately have I have been taking anti anxiety medication and I'm not gonna lie I think it's working, sometimes the negative thoughts are really hard to shut up but recently I can tell them to fuck off and they fuck off, which is awesome! But sometimes I don't know if the pain I'm feeling is anxiety or something bad but I'm pretty sure it's anxiety.

Man I have to take anxiety pills just to hang out with someone 🙃

One thing I hate:

How my doctor says I'm fine yet I still dont believe am fine 😑

Dear my Anxiety, today I want you to know:

Your making me very scared about my eyes that I keep asking people if there fine or I keep checking on them. Your also frustrating me really bad, why?? Because when I'm no longer worried about on thing u always find something else to make me worry about which sometimes makes me want to tell u to FUCK OFF!!! Can u take a break just for one day. Please!

SUCKS ASS!!!

So I recently discovered I have health anxiety and must I say it sucks ass. Every single sensation I have, I think I'm dying. I ask for reinsurance all the time but now even when someone tells me they don't feel a lump or that my eyes are fine I still don't feel fine. Sometimes I wish that it would just go away because am so tired , I just want one day were I can breath without thinking something horrible gonna happen. 

go to sleep x damon albarn

*fluff*

tw for anxiety and hypochondria

i walked up the stairs of our apartment getting ready to go to bed. i did this everyday, get ready, listen to music, fall asleep. but some nights that was just too hard.

i was laying in bed waiting for damon as i started to look at my chest. i found a red mark on it, almost like a blood vessel. i started to get a little hot as i stared at it. i felt around and noticed a dent also, it hurt a bit. my mind went stright too my chest incaving. i couldn’t wait much longer, i had to get some sort of reassurance. i ran down the stairs with a worried expression.

“hey baby” he looked and saw my face and his dropped to a sadend expression “oh no what’s wrong” he whispered trying to be careful with his words.

i started to tear up, i hated doing this too him. i was always worrying and bothering him with something.

“i found another spot, my chest hurts, my head hurts, and i feel dizzy” i said quietly. that sentence was like a mantra for me.

“oh come here” he wrapped me in hug “i know no matter what i say it won’t change your mind but i promise i’m here, and while i’m here nothing is going to happen”

i rubbed my fave into his tee shirt feeling the warmth of his chest. i could hear his heartbeat and it made me smile. we were here and we were okay.

damon then lifted me up on to the counter as he let go of the hug. i watched him as he walked to our fridge and grabbed me some water. he then reached up further and grabbed the ice cream. he turned and smiled a dorky smile at me. he always knew how to make me feel better.

he grabbed my hand and helped me off the counter. he pulled me too our bedroom, lightly gripping my hand.

he jumped on the bed and patted the side next to him as an indication for me too join him.

i blushed a little at how many butterflies he gave me even after all this time.

i crawled up next to him and we started eating the ice cream. with his other hand he grabbed his ipad and put on our favorite show on netflix.

while watching the show i could see damon get sleepy, but i knew he was only staying up to make sure i felt safe.

i reached for my heart ever so slightly to check my pulse. it was a compulsion i had, i just wanted to make sure i was still alive and my heart hasn’t stopped.

“i can see you” he knew this was something i shouldn’t do. something that is just feeding my anxiety more fuel.

“i’m sorry” i said, i didn’t want him to be mad.

“don’t apologize that’s what i’m here for, that’s what your here for too. we’re here for each other”

he always knew exactly what i needed to hear.

i watched the rest of the show with my head leaning in damon’s shoulder. my eyes shutting little by little.

“go to sleep bby, i’ll be here right when you wake up” i nodded, i really needed rest and so does he.

we eventually both fell asleep in that position while damon played with my hair and i traced partterns on his chest.

i felt at peace with him, before when i was on my own doing this stuff i’d cry for hours. but now i feel so settled with him.

he made me feel so safe and so welcome. he is my home.