I'm Ready To Die - Blog Posts

О БОЖЕ О БОЖЕ ОБОЖЕ ЫЫЫАААААА Я ТЕБЯ ТАК ЛЮБЛЮ Я ТЕБЯ ОБОЖАЮ Я ХОЧУ ХВАСТАТЬСЯ ВСЕМ В МИРЕ КАКОЙ МЕНЯ ХОРОШИЙ СЫН Я ТЕБЯ ТАК ЛЮБЛЮ МОЙ МАЛЬЧИК МОЙ ХОРОШМЙ

вкусный торт кстати

Реально сырный

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY ONE OF FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!! @dirty-toad !!!!!!!

ТЫ НЕ ПРЕДСТАВЛЯЕШЬ КАК СИЛЬНО Я ТЕБЯ ЛЮБЛЮ. ТЫ ЛУЧШАЯ МАТЕРИНСКАЯ ФИГУРА НА СВЕТЕ, ТЫ ПРЕКРАСНЫЙ ДРУГ, ТЫ ПРЕКРАСНЫЙ ЧЕЛОВЕК!!! Если б ты не появилась в моей жизни, то я не знаю что было бы. Спасибо тебе за всё!!!! И желаю тебе всего при всего самого хорошего!!!

А ну и да, ты говорила что тебе нравится чизкейк, вот я и сделал чизкейк. Взгляни! Кейк есть(клубничный кстати) и чиз тоже есть!!!!

Ещё раз с днём рождения! Люблю тебя <3

I was... Familiar with the grief box? There's a box in your head for the horror you've been through. In each box there's a button and a bouncing ball. When the ball hits the button you get to feel grief and pain. Over time the ball shrinks, but never goes away.

It's not like I was abandoned this time. But it looks like a duck in the distance, and stinks of a duck, but is walking only a little like a duck. Maybe I won't be fully abandoned this time.

I'm just not strong enough. I wrote my first draft of my note. I usually feel a little better after doing that. It's weird, I know. This time it felt different. It's a good thing my state has real good gun control. Too bad there's other ways.

I'm not allowed to be fulfilled. Not allowed to be happy. I am allowed grief and trauma. Parents made sure of that.

Not like I have a future. I barely have a present. You should read Midnight Nation. I think if it wasn't for one person I would have slipped through to that side.

Nobody cares. Nobody. Why would they? They have good lives. I'm stuck. They have all moved on. I'm stuck. That's a good way of putting it, but like most quick phrases it misses nuance.

I'm in the back of a concrete mixing truck. If I stop moving, stop the drum from spinning, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. If I try to get out, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. So I'm alone walking in that drum. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to care. Why would they? I'm not even sure I'm human.

-C

I just... Hate myself so much. It bleeds onto the things around me. Today was hard. Much harder than it needed to be. I'm not meant to be loved. The attention and affection i do get is not only alien, but feels like the universe teasing me. I know it won't go anywhere beside that fleeting moment. But fuck me. I want to die. Kill me. I'm never going to figure this out. I'm never going to be given a chance. I'm not built for me. What a sentence that is. Just let me die.

I stood up and defended a friend from a weird situation on the street the other day. The group was amazed. The trick is hoping to lose. The trick is wanting the end..

I'm in my epilogue and the universe won't let me even think of trying anything else. No new stories. No new connections. No nothing.

This has been a rough year, in a rough life. I make light of it, but I really do feel like I'm living my epilogue. The plot threads were taken care of. Life isn't really giving me any new ones. I'm ready to die.

I've tried explaining this but it's hard to explain. I'm living in my epilogue. My friends think I'm courageous for the way I stand up to and for people.

It's not courage, it's apathy with delusions of grandeur. I just don't care, my life's story is over.

Today I felt that even stronger. I'm ready for this to be over and am just waiting for the end.