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Seven things that are running down your smartphone battery

1. Is your phone looking for something? Constantly searching for 4G signal, wifi or eternal love can be a drain on the resources of even the most parsimonious gadget. This applies particularly if your phone is looking for more than one thing at once, for example if it has fallen in love with your router. Consider leaving them together for long enough that they can decide they’re not that into each other after all.

2. Check the permissions of any apps you have installed. Are they allowed to use your location? Are they allowed to use the microphone? Are they allowed to provide asylum for refugee artificial intelligences? Sustaining an artificial intelligence can reduce your battery life. Be aware that turning this permission off may lead to any ejected artificial intelligences taking refuge in other smart appliances, such as your fridge and lighting system, or in extreme cases to the snuffing out of a delicate, beautiful miracle of emerging cognition.

3. Do you actually have a battery? Some of the most severe battery life problems are caused by not actually having a battery. You can check by sawing off the bottom end of your smartphone and shaking it a bit to see what falls out. Don’t worry, you can glue everything back in again if it turns out you do have one after all.

4. It is also possible that your smartphone is using extra battery in order to annoy you. Check your settings. On an iPhone, battery settings can be found under Settings > Battery. Check if the option ‘User-irritating mode’ is switched on. Turning this off can save up to ten percent of battery charge.

5. Settings > Battery will also reveal how much battery your apps have been committing. Battery is a serious crime and your phone is legally responsible for the behaviour of its apps (Fondleslab vs. Jenkins, 2016). Your phone may be sentenced to years in prison if convicted, which is a problem, because phones are often unwelcome in prisons. Give your apps a stern talking-to at once.

6. Jam. There is jam running down your smartphone battery. How? Why? What kind of slob are you, honestly?

7. Consider your situation further. Are you a jam-powered flesh mannequin, or are you yourself a simulation being run by an alternative level of intelligence? Are you sure? In the latter case, there remains a possibility that you may in fact be being simulated by your smartphone. Your best bet at preserving battery life in this case is to spend as much time as possible in sleep mode.