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Stuff's pretty miserable. I don't feel good. I don't even know how I feel, I guess its loneliness even though I do have lovely people around...I literally don't know...
Started to feel like there is something wrong w/ me. My circle is not one which resonates with me, I still love them but no one is ever "just there for me". 17 ,and still don't have a "bff" other than my sister and mother. My cousins aren't a fan of me either, have one who is my same age but still matches "vibes" with my younger sister. We were great 2 yrs ago but...
I try so hard to be nice to people, yet I see people effortlessly happy, I wonder why I make any extra effort, no one has to, they get on fine without thinking much. Sometimes I feel sick of feeling so much and not being able to cry.
Things which give me happiness like writing or reading novels or photography or nerding out on cosmology etc., I can't do any of it without being guilt stricken every singe minute. Even as I write this I realize I need to complete my Chemistry notes and physics assignments and practice math, afterall its 12th grade, the LIFE DECIDING YEAR... but I seem to do neither hard work for 12th marks nor extra stuff I like.
Sometimes, when I like ,sit down to think, I feel like I'm a no-one sitting in middle of nowhere , meaning nothing to anyone except my family and teachers. I AM REPLACEABLE. The worst thought... I am not an indispensable part of anyone's life other than my family (which is obvious I guess + cuz they are lovely coping up with me)...
No, I don't hate myself. I love myself. I just am at a phase where nothing is moving...All still...and in that stillness, I feel... not very happy.
I wished so much after I came out of 10th, but my life has been nothing but monotonous...
The people I thought were a gift to me, turns out I don't matter that much to them, and I feel guilty of expecting too much. Still, I wonder, is it too much to expect some kind of care or support from people who claim to be yours? Maybe, it is.
The biggest yet the most painful thing one learns while growing up is that, Nothing Lasts Forever. Time flies, things change , people and places change and so do our relations with them.
Even in any sitcom , you see the cast not only bond on screen but also in real life. Yet , as years go by, they get busy and we hardly see them together. We are left, wondering, if they still matter to each other as much as they used to. What changed? In life, we learn, nothing ever doesn't change. And no matter how much it hurts our heart and makes us weep, we can't control it. The Art of letting go is mastered by few fortunate people. As for people like me ,I still get tears seeing the last season of Girl Meets World, realizing that thunder and lighting was not forever, time and distance came in between, something and everything changed. I get broken-hearted , keep wishing for their caste reunion and Happy Ending. But turns out, that's life.
No matter how much it sucks, each and every life any human lives, it is full of forevers turning to nevers...
-mauli