Nuuxta Yapping - Blog Posts

The Order : Let's Talk about it !

Oh dear.... Let just say, this movie wasn't fun. But I like it anyway !

Ok, first : how and why did I watch it ? Saw the trailer a lot while watching Invincible on Prime (yeah yeah, I know, Amazon sucks, but I love watching movies and series, and my usual streaming is down soooo)

Now, let's get deeper. The movie is really, really great (I mean, with a main actor like Jude Law, it has promises). It talks about Nazis in the US in the 80s. DUDE HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING ???

Ok I'm not gonna spoil, but the first time we saw a swastika (had to go and see how it was written), it made me so uncomfortable. Like, really. The movie is from 2024, so before everything that happened early 2025, but. Spot on. Truely.

Scenario wise, really nice (i mean, it is based on real life events, soooooo), the acting is real good (Jude Law, again, but everyone else ! Dude the acting was so good !). The emotions are there when you need them. God I don't even have the words !

But to be honnest, it is a pretty heavy movie, so, maybe don't watch it before bed like the idiot I am...

I am terrified tonight.

Tonight, March 5th, my president talk to France. God, I am terrified.

What is going on in the world ? Between Russia, the US and now Europe ? Fuck, I am european. It terrifies me. He's talking about creating a european army, to 'defend'. But fucking hell ! you can just see he wants to go to war, so he can stay president longer !

I'm going to put what he said -cause I found it-, and put the translation for the non-french speakers : "C’est notre sécurité qui est menacée. Si un pays peut envahir un autre en Europe, c’est la paix qui est menacée" -It is our security that is threatened. If one country can invade another in Europe, peace is threatened- Yay, national security, how nice ! You're going to cost us. Even if he says that it wont, it will.

"La menace russe est là, et touche les pays d’Europe. La Russie a fait du conflit ukrainien un conflit mondial" -The Russian threat is there, and affects the countries of Europe. Russia has made the Ukrainian conflict a global conflict- New world war ? Welp, I'm studying history. Never really intended to live what I'm studying...

"Qui peut croire que la Russie d’aujourd’hui s’arrêtera à l’Ukraine ?" -Who can believe that today's Russia will stop at Ukraine?- They won't. Unfortunately, in my opinion, unless Putin dies -and even then, nothing is sure-, they will continue. They will be world war soon.

"Nous restons attachés à l'Otan, et à notre partenariat avec les États-Unis. Mais l'avenir de l'Europe n'a pas à être tranché à Washington et à Moscou." -We remain committed to NATO, and to our partnership with the United States. But the future of Europe does not have to be decided in Washington and Moscow.- This is probably the thing I agree the most : peace shall not be made outside Europe. It is not a matter from the US to decide who's right and who's wrong. It is not to the US to decide who wins or not. But, arms race is not the answer either. Unfortunately, it seems we do no longer have a choice.

And you know what's even more terrifying ? My brother. He listen, arrived arround half the speech, and then tried to tell us that it was not so bad. That the world wasn't changing a super speed. That, no, our president wasn't trying, in subtext, to invite more people to join the army. He does not believe war can start that fast -we told him he could'nt wait 'till he finished his masters degree at the speed the world is moving, he doesn't want to believe us.

I am shaking, 45 minutes after the speech begun. I am terrified. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I am simply terrified. I would love this text to be one of my dystopian creation. Unfortunately, it is the world today. And fuck, I don't want to be in that world.

Fire In These Hills

“Why are you like this ?”

I turn towards the voice.

“I don’t know. I never knew.” I sigh. “I guess I was always this way.” I hear them hum.

“But why ?”

I don’t know how to answer. Why am I the way I am ? That’s the question of my life. I’m insecure, I never know what I want, I don’t really understand other people. Yeah. I’m weird. And the worse ? I know that. And I know that people look at me weirdly because of it. But here I am. Still here, after 20 years of this.

“I don’t know.”

There’s no one with me. I know I’m imagining this voice. I know I’m trying to cope with everything going on in my life. I had to change everything. My friends. Where I live. How I live. So, I don’t have time to ask myself why. And yet, here we are. I’m imagining a voice to answer that very question. Right now, I just want to go back home, and let myself not think. Let myself be myself. But I can’t. I’m stuck here, and I’m sick. I can feel my body temperature rise. And I just want to go home…

“You must have a reason ?”

I sigh again. Do I ? Do I need a reason to be myself ? To be weird ? I don’t think so. But if I need to find one ? Well, I would say that it all came from my childhood. The way my parents treated me. Telling me they treated my brother and I the same way. What kind of bullshit is this ? Some big ones. They never treated us the same. Every time he’s sick, or hurt, or doesn’t like to do something ? Well, let strong and younger brother do the work, right ? Yeah well that only works for some time, before crumbling down.

“I told you. I don’t know.”

And that is true. I was always kind of like this. I could blame the ADHD, the autism. But in reality, I know it must actually be the anxiety.

“Are you sure ?”

I close my eyes. I know a part of it.

“I… I miss them. They’re not gone, but gone at the same time. They… They take so much out of me. I don’t know why, but they sometimes make me feel like I’m not worth it. That, maybe I’m not enough. Or maybe I’m too much. I put so much efforts. I put so much effort in everything. They know it. I feel so powerfully. And yet I am let yearning for scratch. Am I not worth a bit of effort ? Is our friendship this easily forgotten ?”

I start to feel my eyes water. There’s a fire in my soul now.

“Would you like more ?”

Would I like more ? I want more ! I need more ! I’m not just a kid who’s insecure now, I’m a young adult, constructing myself. I need my best friend around. Even if it’s just a few messages here and there. But I have to yearn for scratch. And I feel like I’m going to have enough of scratch.

“Of course I’d like more. I’d love more. I need more. But how could I be so selfish, right ?”

“I know.”

“I’m so tired. Can I please come home ?”

This feeling. I’m exhausted. But kind of in the good way. I am shaking like a leaf. Home. My home is the people I love. I feel at home with them.

“If you can. If they will let you.”

It’s true. I could come home to my friend. If they let me one day. If they open the door once more. I keep a sob. I won’t cry for something that might be nothing. I’m shaking so much. I can’t feel the world. I need my home. I need my friends. I know myself. I don’t trust myself.

But after everything you’re here with me still. Or at least I hope you’re still with me. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I feel like we’re growing farther apart, when you were once my rock. I feel like I’m not strong enough to just suck it up as usual. I need you. I need my friend. I need my best friend.

“So why do I feel like they’ve abandoned me ?”

“I cannot tell you.”

Right. ‘cause that’s just the little voice in my head making me go through my emotions. I take a deep breath, still shaking. My body is so full of emotions. I can’t handle them. I don’t know how to handle them. That’s why I need my friends. That’s why it hurts so deeply.

I feel like I might wreck this home. Do I really want to let go of all those years ? Fuck no. Am I ready to wreck this home ? Fuck no. Will I have to ? Maybe. And that’s what hurts the most !

“I really just want to come home. I really just want to go home. But right now, I don’t know where home is.”

“You’ll find home where you need it.”

I know that. But I don’t want to. I want the comfort of my home. I want the comfort that my friend still wants to talk to me. I want the comfort I felt younger. I want the innocence of those quiet moments. I want to feel that again. Is that to much to ask for ? Am I really worth all that ? Everyone tells me that, yes I do. But am I strong enough to believe them ?

“I don’t think that I’m strong enough.”

“You’ll find the strength to face it. You’ve faced much more.”

Maybe. But maybe that’s my limit. Is it ? I don’t even know if I hope it is. I just want to come home. I think I’ve lost the will.

Mercury stained my soul the way only my bones can know...

Or my skin

(this was just after the tattoo was done in October... It's still gorgeous)

And I have another one of Mercury Act I album picture, but it's hard to take it behind my arm 😅