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Tw: vent
Im going to scream. I hate the beginning of relationships. I want to skip to the middle. I want to be able to sit in silence with each other or not talk for a few days and still pick up where we left off.
I hope I make it to that point in this relationship since it's my first on but I keep messing up. I'm always the one who messes up and has to apologize.
I sent a fucking poem, deleted like three times and then sent it again. I'm going to fucking scream. He told me not to send it if I'm just going to delete it and we're both adults. I'm fucking embarrassed. Why did I think it was a good idea?
It was hours ago and he hasn't responded. I'm literally crying over this. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I've a good partner? Why are relationships hard? I want to scream.
We were already having issues because of me and I just continue to screw up and make things worse. What if he thinks I'm ignoring him? I'm 99% sure he's going to get sick of my bullshit and be done with me any minute. He's forgiven me so many time already.
Am I even cut out for relationships this point? Am I sabotaging myself subconsciously? I don't even know and I can't go to therapy because its expensive.