Second Chance - Blog Posts

SECOND CHANCE | s01e06: Paper x Tong Fah: HE

we're about to graduate already, we might not be able to see eachother like this again

I seek organization in my chaos

I constantly live in chaos but seek organization. I envy those who do great but am not jealous. I love it when someone compliments me, but don't know how to react. I love the fact that I am liked and disliked by a lot of people at the same time.

And all these thoughts bring about a lot of question in my mind. I have been aloof in a long while about everything. I have been pushing away deadlines, stay awake and do nothing. I have wasted my time and energy doing nothing as if I have got nothing.

There is indeed a lot of things I want to do. And that question I was talking about which haunts me is "where is all this leading to?"

I am completely insane about the fact that I have a lot of errands to run and I am still aloof.

It is actually astonishing and weird that I notice all the chaos in life and still do nothing about it. But I know that I am seeking for organization. But something, some force, maybe the biggest enemy of mine is pulling me down. "Laziness"

Its completely strange and crazy to say this, but I think I am responsible for my failure, it is my stupidity of all that makes me react and overreact to unnecessary, well let's say not so important things in life. I am angry at someone for being good and dissapointed in me for staying aloof.

I am not pinpointing anything or infact pinpointing myself. I think its the 3:30 am thoughts. Maybe sleeplessness. Maybe the disturbance in my head. But again there is peace and a sence of calmness in my head. I guess I have a clear head now and the morning would be without the laziness and the aloofness. I guess I'll be fine the first thing in the morning.

I guess its all in your head. And yet again I seek organization in my chaos.

I Wish for a Second Chance

Have you ever wondered how life would change if you just got another chance. Have you thought that if you could go back in time and say that one thing you ached to tell her so many times, maybe things would have changed between the two of you? Well I have. I think about her every single day and think how wonderful it would have been if I could’ve just told her how much I loved her. But now it’s all in vain. She is getting married today, yes she is and all I am able to do is think back and analyze how I missed the chance.

Parvathi; she was just breathtaking. She was tall, perfect curves, had hair that was flawless and her smile, worth a million dollars. She was the perfect girl. She was my junior in college.

On the opposite, was me. I was the most introvert person in college. It took me a year to get acquainted with the girls of my class; it was difficult for me to look at girls. Having studied in a boy’s school throughout my life, it was difficult for me to even be with girls. With friends, classmates and others I was able to talk to girls after a year.

When she came I just fell for her. Love at first sight if you call it. And when I told my friends they were surprised of course, but they wanted to know what made me fall for her of all the people in college?

“Well, I had a strange reason, she looked like Anne Frank.”

Yes, I loved Anne Frank. I loved the way she smiled, her charisma, it was just magical. And I always used to wonder whether there would be a person with the same charisma and then there came Parvathi. I dint care about what others thought. To me it was just important that she was the girl I always wanted.

She knew nothing about it. Well, by now the entire boy’s hostel knew that I was in love with her and then the girls in my class knew and I bet some in their class would also know about it.

I had to start trying to let her know how I feel. But I was scared, scared as shit. It’s not that I dint try, I did but nothing worked out. I went everywhere she went to, the cafeteria, the book store, everywhere but never got the guts even to say a simple hi. I would not even look into her eyes when she was passing by. I wanted to but I just couldn’t. All I did was stare at her beauty without her knowing about it. My friends started to pressurize me to tell her my feelings.

Finally, one day while we were having an inter-college fest I decided to tell her, I went to her class, told my friends to call her out, my buddies did so and then when she came out I went numb. I dint know what to say. So I stared with a very odd sentence on asking her regarding her residential area.

“Aren’t you from Vettur?

“No I am from Attipara.

Well they are places of complete opposite directions. Having realized about the blunder I just made, I lost all the confidence to talk to her and I left the place. That was a disaster, my first ever conversation with her was just the worst of all. My friends consoled me in all way possible. And then a friend of mine gave me an idea,

“Hey, why don’t you try the virtual world? Send her a friend request in facebook, get acquainted and tell her how you feel.”

That was a good idea, and so I sent her a friend request, but she dint accept that, after days I cancelled it and sent it again, nope this time too she ignored. It was not that she was inactive or something, she had in fact accepted the friend requests of other guys in my class but not mine. Finally, after sending her a friend request 5 times, I gave up.

My friends dint, they badly wanted to help me out. So a friend started trying on my behalf. We both used to travel by the same bus to college. The bus would first pick up the boys from hostel and then the day scholars, so everyday he used to save a seat for her next to me, and whenever she got in he would just offer her the seat, but every time she refused. And that was when I slowly started to realize that maybe she really had no interest in me. I still was in love with her, but dint want to try anymore.

One day, a senior of mine called me and asked me regarding her.

“I hear that you like this girl Parvathi, is it true?”

“Yes” I murmured

“Forget about her bro, I like her now and she is mine that is all”

“Excuse me, you can’t just tell me to forget about her, I liked her even before you. She can’t be yours.”

Well I was fighting for a girl who doesn’t even know that I exist.

“Well then, lets both tell her about what we feel and let her decide whom she wants to be with”

If I was able to tell her that, then even after a year and a half I won’t be just looking at her, rather she would have actually become mine. I was a chicken. But I just was like that, I couldn’t do anything.

This guy started doing tricks, she was sitting next to him in bus, they were seen along quite often, and a month or so later I came to know that she was with him and that they were both in love.

Today they are getting married. I wish I had a second chance that day during the fest to tell her how I felt about her, I wish I was not such a pussy and had told her about my feelings. I wish if only I could go back in time and fix everything up. I just wish… I just have never felt the same for any other girl the way I felt for her. She was my real life Anne Frank. I just wish I had done something. I wish I got a second chance.