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The Disastrous Life of Saiki K: Extra Stories of Psychics, Volume 2

Light Novel Translated by: Corredor1230 – Juan Pablo Corredor

(Link to masterpost)

Intermission Guest Chapter 3: The Disastrous Life of Saiki Kusuo — The Regular Person

My name is Saiki Kusuo, and I’m… not an esper.

That’s right. I’m not an esper. I’m a regular person. No, what does that even mean? That almost makes it sound as if I hadn’t been a regular person until recently. That’s strange.

I’m just a person. I’ve always been one. I’m an average guy with no outstanding abilities. There’s no way I’d have any in the first place. I just felt like I could for a moment right now, for some reason. That’s embarrassing. Am I getting Middle School Syndrome? Sometimes people my age still think they’re different from others, and have some kind of special ability, but I’m sure I’ll go back to normal after I calm down and analyze my situation…

No, but I really feel like I was using some superpowers and had morphed into a girl until just recently. Is it just my imagination…? I’m a guy, there’s no way I could transform back and forth into a girl.

What does it even mean to “morph into a girl” in the first place anyways? Am I going insane…?

As I ponder that, I suddenly hear the sound of taiko and a Japanese flute.

I come back to reality, and I find myself in the middle of an Ennichi festival. There are many people around me celebrating in yukatas, as well as food stands neatly decorated with lanterns that sway back and forth.

It’s still summer. I don’t really remember how I got to this summer festival, though.

I stand all by myself surrounded by traditional sweet stands and people.

Why am I just standing still in a place like this…?

Ah, I remember now. I thought it was noisy outside, so I decided to go out and check what was going on. Good grief, how could I forget, when I just went out a few minutes ago…?

However, there’s something off. I can feel there’s something amiss, but I don’t know what it is. I keep wondering about it, as I look at the lanterns shining in the dark night sky.

Just what’s this indescribable sense of loss…? Maybe it’s just puberty?

I feel like I just lost something very dear to me, and I forgot about it…

At the same time, I also feel an intense sense of deja-vu. Why? I feel like I’ve been to this festival before. Did I… Did I see anyone at this festival? I don’t think I came here to meet up with anyone in particular, but I get the feeling that I just bumped into them somehow. However, that makes no sense. I’m always alone. I don’t have any close friends. Who could that mysterious someone be? This is bad. Am I getting a full-fledged case of Middle School Syndrome? I’m talking about some imaginary friends now? Why do my memories feel so vague? Did I bump my head or something…?

Among the crowd I see couples, students, but they all walk right past me. Everyone is smiling and having fun. That’s right. What was I even thinking? Why am I worrying about something like that in a fun place like this?

I’m here already. Might as well have some fun after all.

I look at the stands, and start walking.

I can smell the scent of oil and fried foods. There’s a stand that sells fried corn. There’s also a grilled steak and yakisoba stand nearby. Sausages, squid, takoyaki and fried potatoes stands as well.

There are so many options, I don’t think I will ever get sick of eating all these. I don’t even know what I should get.

That’s right, maybe I should try a shooting game or something instead of eating right now. Or maybe I’ll try to get a fortune.

These types of games are where the real fun is in an Ennichi Festival. There’s also goldfish catching and balloon catching, and of course fishing as well. I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to enjoy any of these if I had superpowers.

When I was little, I remember my parents took me to a festival, and I used my powers at every one of these without holding back. Thinking back on it, I gave the shopkeepers a hard time. I’m sure by now I can control my powers much better and perhaps just use half my total strength when playing…

No, wait, I’m not an esper. Why am I thinking about that?

However, I do remember catching every single goldfish they had… What even are these memories? Maybe I’m just embellishing them since I was pretty young back then. I’m sure I’m not the only one who does that, and I know there are also some people who have trouble telling dreams and reality apart sometimes.

However, I’m extremely average in every way. There’s no way I’d ever be a master at catching goldfish or anything like that. It’s especially unlikely I would manage to capture every single fish they had.

In that case I must’ve made up these memories at some point in my life…

But I do remember even the shopkeeper’s expression when I caught every single goldfish. It feels so vivid, it’s hard to think I actually made it up…

Everything feels hazy inside my head.

I guess it was a long time ago. It’s not surprising the memories would be pretty vague.

More importantly, I should be enjoying the festival. Maybe I should get something to eat.

I look around the different stands, trying to figure out what I’m going to get. The colorful yukatas from the other shoppers around me catch my eye. Maybe I should’ve worn a yukata as well after all…

I suddenly think about that.

A shirt and denim pants… That’s a pretty bland outfit, come to think about it. Maybe a yukata and some sandals would’ve been better. Walking around the festival being followed by the clacking sound of the sandals would be more appropriate. I could even get myself a Kitsune mask. That traditional Japanese style is particularly good. And accompanying everything with a goldfish in a plastic bag would be just perfect. That’s my ideal summer festival style. Especially since it’s Ennichi already. It’s definitely not bad at all.

But I guess going back home and changing my clothes right now would be a bother… If only I could teleport, I wouldn’t be worrying about something so trivial. Though I still have to wait three minutes before teleporting again, so I wouldn’t be able to come back immediately afterwards. That’s right, if only I were an esper, I could change my clothes freely whenever I pleased. Wait, can I just quit it with the esper thing already?!

What’s going on…? Why do I keep coming back to the esper thing? What’s with that “three minute rule” anyway? Isn’t it far too specific to come up with debuffs for imaginary powers that I just came up with? Give me a break. At this rate I’m going to end up writing this “Dark History Notebook” in a few years, with all sorts of esper scenarios.

I turn my head, still thinking about the superpower thing. I start looking for some candy stands, so I can at least get the sour taste out of my mouth. Eating sweets outside isn’t bad either.

I see a few children walking around with cotton candy in their hands. That’s pretty standard for a summer festival. However, I guess the most standard option would be a cold ramune. There’s also a bakery… Oh! And they’re selling baby castellas! That’s not bad at all!

But maybe I should get the chocolate banana first… No, no, a sweet apple! A banana covered in chocolate and colorful toppings and a sweet apple dripping in caramel.

I don’t even know where to find either of those, though… What do I do?

I know! I’ll go buy both of them anyway! I’ll sure have fun with one in each hand.

Alright, the apples cost 300 yen each. I feel like they’re trying to scam me here with those prices, but I guess it’s fine. I take out my wallet and… and… Where’s my wallet? Did I drop it?

I look around my feet, but it’s nowhere to be found. And then—

"I don’t have my wallet!! Someone stole it!!" someone nearby shouts.

Several people check their own pockets and realize their wallets are missing as well, which causes quite a commotion.

What a disaster… I can’t believe they got me too…

I can’t buy any apples without my wallet. And not only that, I can’t buy any chocolate bananas or baby castellas either. I can’t even buy next week’s Shonen Jump issue. I think that’s about how much I had inside my wallet. Who would be so cruel to steal other people’s money…?

I just stand in place, feeling incredibly frustrated.

I can’t do anything. I’m just a powerless background character.

If only I could use my superpowers…

If only I could do that, stupid incidents like this wouldn’t keep happening. I don’t want to keep thinking about this stuff, but I can’t stop thinking about this fantasy, for some reason.

There’s a version of me inside my head that does have superpowers.

That’s right, if only I did, I could catch whoever stole my money. Though I guess I still wouldn’t be able to find them, since their thoughts would blend in with the rest of the crowd and I wouldn’t be able to pick them up with my telepathy. That’s why I should just find an abandoned bike or something, repair it until it has a value equal to my wallet, and then exchange them. That way I would get my wallet back in a second. That would settle the score for me, but we still shouldn’t let criminals like that on the loose. We can’t have people stealing others’ wallets and ruining a fun time. If I could use my clairvoyance, I would find the culprits by looking for the bike that I’d exchange for my wallet. I would go to them, and return the wallets to the people they stole them from. However, I’m sure the culprits are no weaklings either. They probably have knives and they’d threaten me with them. As if a simple knife could hurt a real esper. In the blink of a second I would make them lose consciousness, tie them up, and call the police. I could return the wallets to the victims using my psychometry. Espers are able to do things like that without breaking a sweat. That way the entire problem would be resolved, and everyone could go back to enjoying the festival…

I can’t believe I’ve been pondering something like that so seriously in silence.

That could never happen in reality, of course.

I know that. I know that better than anyone else. No matter how much I wish it happened, reality will never be like my daydreams. I’m not an esper.

That’s why I’m sure I’ll never get those wallets back. I can’t find the culprits either. And even if I did, I’m sure I couldn’t do it right now. And even if our police force was completely excellent, they wouldn’t be able to capture them in an instant like an esper could. I'll keep enjoying the festival to the best of my ability, ultimately be unable to buy anything, and go back home.

That’s reality, after all. Espers are nothing more than fantasy… There’s no espers around to help other people when things like these happen.

I really feel like an idiot. For a second I even thought that espers could be real…

“Wait! What are you doing, you bastard?! Give me back that wallet!”

I turn around to see whose voice that is. Two men are struggling nearby. One of them is a tough big guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and he’s taking a wallet away from a guy wearing a cap. What’s that? Is that a scene of crime? I stare in silence as the man with the cap hurries off in a panic. However, he’s pushed down by a nearby officer.

Ah, he was the culprit.

Several wallets come out of the man’s clothes, all the way down to his shoes. I thought the guy in the Hawaiian shirt was the culprit, but it seems like he was getting his stolen wallet back.

Among the pile of stolen wallets, I can see mine. A crowd starts gathering at the scene…

“Here you go.”

I get my wallet back. I almost fall to the ground, surprised at the sudden interaction. I rapidly cling on to it. Why is this wallet that I was so sure had gotten stolen suddenly in front of me…?

“I saw him take your wallet, so I took it back,” says the man in the Hawaiian shirt, pointing his finger at the man getting arrested by the police.

No way… does he mean he purposefully put himself in danger and chased the culprit just to get back my wallet…? Why would someone go that far for me…?

I take a look at this man. He’s tall, well built, and his Hawaiian shirt looks good on him. However, I can’t get a good look at his face. My sight is a little blurry. His face is darkened by what looks like dark ink, and I can’t make it out. There are so many lanterns around us, and lights from the stands. It’s so bright, it could be noon. So why can’t I see his face? What’s going on…?

“You should really check its contents. He might have taken everything out,” the man says with a grin.

I stay quiet. No, I can’t see his face, so there’s no way I’d know he’s smiling at all. I just got the feeling that he was.

I open the wallet and check its contents just like he said. The cash and cards are all inside. That’s good.

“Are you okay? Good to hear! Huh? Wait a second, where’s my wallet…?”

Did he steal yours too?

The officers already arrested him. I guess they confiscated your wallet as well.

“Well, I guess it can’t be helped. I already ate some takoyaki, and at least I got this wallet back, so I guess it’s all good. Oh, right, listen! The takoyaki didn’t have any octopus inside! Five out of six didn’t have any octopus at all. And the last one only had a tiny and chewy piece. It was awful. I guess they forgot the 'tako' and only gave me the 'yaki'."

What’s with this guy? He just won’t shut up. Besides, did he just say that it was all good? Just how unlucky is he?! Did he draw the worst fortune today?

“Oh? That’s right, there’s something I want to show you.”

Why is this man acting so friendly toward me? He doesn’t even know me, so why is he having so much fun talking to me? Of course I’m thankful he got my wallet back, but he sure is acting too friendly.

“What are you doing? Come on, let’s go!”

The man grabs me by the arm. For some reason, instead of feeling surprised, I feel somewhat nostalgic. He carries me away, and I’m just completely speechless.

Just who is this guy? I wonder as I look at his back.

No matter how hard I think about it, I can’t even remember his name. I can’t remember his face either. Maybe I’ve just never met him before. This must be the first time I’ve seen him. I guess that’s the only explanation I can come up with.

That’s right, I don’t know this guy. There’s no way someone would be so close to me anyway.

I’ve been living all alone my whole life, after all. I’m used to solitude. If anything, I prefer it. It’s better if an average guy like me lives without standing out. I’ve been like that ever since I was young.

I can’t handle crowds. I get tired easily whenever there’s many people around. One of the main reasons why I don’t walk in crowded areas is that I might physically bump into others. However, for some reason, I don’t dislike festivals, but most of my life is spent at home or at school. I don’t walk home from school with any friends either, and I prefer to avoid ramen places by myself. I guess you could say I’m a timid person.

I suddenly think of something… I feel like there was someone who also used to drag me around like this. Someone who lived an easygoing life, and couldn’t read a room. Someone that used to butt into my lonely life and drag me around. I’ve thought that having someone like that around would be pretty fun. But that’s just an idea. I’m always by myself, in the end. I’m not the type to hang out with other people, and my ideas aren’t reality. That’s how it’s always been.

However…

Right now I’m running around while this nameless, faceless person is dragging me along with him. We keep moving forward through the crowd. The lanterns light the way, and the shops on the sides feel like streetlights.

Am I dreaming? Is this even real?

We walk past the stands, and it suddenly gets darker. Next we start walking up the shrine’s stairs. The crowds and the sweets all seem very distant.

I’m already out of breath, since we started running all of a sudden. An indoor type like me isn’t really used to physical activity, unlike the man in front of me.

However, despite being panting already, I still keep up with him. I have to. I don’t know why, but that’s what I think. I cannot let this man go.

“We’ll be there soon!”

The man says as he turns around. His face is so dark, I can’t see it. The darkness around here doesn’t help, although I don’t think I know his face in the first place. I find myself thinking back on my superpowers while we’re still running.

Maybe if I could shoot fireworks, I could light up the night sky and see his face…

But still, no matter how much I think about it, having superpowers definitely sounds like a delusion…

I hear a loud bang, and a ring of colorful lights spreads through the sky. Everything turns bright for an instant.

No way.

“Eh?! I thought the fireworks started an hour later?!” the man says, surprised. “Damn it, run!”

One after another, the fireworks keep illuminating the night sky.

I look at them in awe. He keeps dragging me with him, but I can only look at the sky. Was that a coincidence…? No, no way. That was…

“Here we are! What do you think? This is my special seat!”

We run past a small forest near the temple, until the man finally comes to a halt. You can see the wide sky being illuminated by the fireworks from here. There’s not a soul around. This definitely is a “special seat”.

“The fireworks look awesome from here!” the man says, and then laughs violently. You’d think he was a rocket about to take off from his laugh. However, I’m feeling a little confused.

How long has it been since I’ve run this much? I’m bad at sports. My heart is racing and my lungs are desperate for air. I might not even make it to the end of the fireworks show.

I’ve never been this tired… tired? I’m… not tired…

My body doesn’t feel tired in the slightest. In fact, I feel perfectly fine. I’m breathing normally as well.

Summer nights are still a little warm. However, I’m not sweating at all. In fact, I might start sweating just because of how strange that is.

It truly is strange. I feel like I might be able to do anything right now.

“Fireworks are fun, right? Everyone just looks at the sky…” the man says absentmindedly as he looks up.

“Every year, whenever I look at the fireworks… I think that I should try to live more like fireworks. That’s the kinda man I’d like to be…”

What’s he even talking about? Does he mean he wants to live for a second and then die?

And then I get a strange feeling.

…What is this? Deja-vu? I feel like this happened before…

The fireworks explode, and then the sky turns dark. I can’t see the man’s face even though he’s standing right next to me. I can’t see him.

I try to look at the tall man’s face, and right then, a colorful explosion lights up the sky.

“Don’t you think so, partner?”

Right at that instant, I can see the man’s face thanks to the fireworks.

All of a sudden, I hear many people’s voices. I’m not going crazy.

This all feels incredibly natural. I can hear the thoughts of all the people attending the festival. I can hear one after the other, almost as if they were a fire spreading from one leaf to the next. That fire is like a light that surrounds me.

As we’re enveloped by the sound and light of the fireworks, every single person is looking up at the sky. No one is looking down. Fun, happiness, beauty… countless positive emotions flow into me like the fireworks, one after the other. I’m inundated by kind thoughts.

The only voice I can’t hear is that of the man standing beside me, just like always.

I can’t read his mind, even though I’m an esper. Because he’s an idiot.

However, it doesn’t matter if the world around me is real or just a dream. It doesn’t matter if I’m just a regular guy. You’ll still always call me your “partner”...

Nendo.

HELLO WHAT EXCUSE ME WHAT- yes saiki, you just wanted to try the coffee jelly she made because you felt bad- no other reasons, ignoring the fact she won't even NOTICE what you did so tbh, you only did it for yourself- boy you just wanted to try her coffee jelly don't kid urself....

Terusai is so real actually....

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K: Extra Stories of Psychics, Volume 2

Light Novel Translated by: Corredor1230 – Juan Pablo Corredor

(Link to masterlist)

Chapter 2: The Disastrous Life of Teruhashi Kokomi

My name is Saiki Kusuo. I’m an esper. Although I introduced myself around 20 pages earlier, allow me to repeat myself, in case you’re one of those people that skipped the first chapter for some reason.

Well then, what did you think about Toritsuka’s first chapter? Was it as bad as you expected? That’s good to hear. Well, it was no laughing matter for me… There was a high chance that you would shut the book immediately after realizing that Toritsuka would be the one talking. So thank you for getting this far.

I’ve been able to hear all of our readers’ thoughts on Toritsuka’s chapter thanks to my telepathic skills, but if I had to summarize the most common opinions, it would be something like:

“Toritsuka’s chapter…? Why are they doing something so risky…?”

“Did they forget the tragedy that was Chapter 30 in the manga?! They must be out of their minds!”

“I don’t care if it’s a novelization, I don’t think there was any need to make a bet so unfavorable!”

I’ve been hearing voices following that same train of thought for a while, but don’t worry, I completely agree.

Not to turn this into an ad, but I want you guys to think back to our first book. If you have it readily at hand, I would appreciate it if you could open it up and check the beginning.

Do you remember what the first chapter of our first novel was?

It had a subtitle: “Try to guess the ESP cards!”

It was an average first chapter for a novel, where we introduced several of my classmates as characters, but there was also something in particular I’d like you to pay attention to. In this chapter, the most featured character wasn’t Nendo, or Kaido or Hairo, but it was Takahashi. Did you notice? We even added an illustration of him near the subtitle and everything. Saying the first chapter was Takahashi’s chapter wouldn’t even be a stretch. In other words…

Our first chapter was dedicated to an extra. Our first chapter was about Takahashi. Takahashi of all people.

And that’s what our first introduction to novelization was…

Oh, I think some of our readers are starting to catch on to what I’m trying to say.

Speaking about this volume’s first chapter:

We started off talking about spiritual powers and mediums. Our first chapter was about Toritsuka. Toritsuka of all people.

That’s how we decided to start our second volume, the one you’re reading right now.

How dare we do something like this? What kind of challenge were we trying to accomplish?

Did we throw a die with the faces of all characters on it, or some other similar stunt straight out of a TV variety show?

And then as luck would have it we ended up in this complicated situation?

Of course, it was nothing like that. This was all written with completely serious intent. In which case, my best guess would be… that the person writing this novelization is completely out of his mind. That’s my only theory.

I’ve never heard of a novelization where the own protagonist has to take the reigns because of so much incompetence. I guess you could say that I care more than most other people due to my telepathy, and picking up others’ thoughts, even when I don’t really want to.

For instance, right now I can pick up the thoughts of everyone inside the classroom, and it’s a bother. And it’s not just because Kaido is fantasizing about writing the entire novelization using runes or anything. That’s just business as usual. But this time is different.

(Saiki Kunio… Coffee Jelly…)

That’s Teruhashi-san’s inner voice, who has been thinking about me and coffee jelly with a somber expression on her face for a while. It’s unusual for Teruhashi to doze off in the middle of class like this.

However, Teruhashi isn’t her usual self right now, and although that has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I normally wouldn’t worry about someone having mundane thoughts like these, this time is different.

I listen to hundreds of different thoughts all day, every day, and I generally make an unconscious effort and manage to ignore most of them. But whenever I hear my own name, for some reason, it immediately catches my attention. Even if I misheard someone and they weren’t thinking about me at all.

I think everyone has experienced hearing their own name in a crowded place and immediately turning their heads to see what’s going on. The only difference is I can do that psychically.

That’s why I get pretty uneasy whenever I hear someone thinking about me.

Besides, why was Teruhashi-san thinking about coffee jelly as well in the first place? I can’t just tell myself to ignore it. There’s nothing I can do about feeling curious.

(Saiki Kunio… maybe he would offu for me with coffee jelly…?)

What was that? I feel like I just heard a very unsettling thought…

I’ll try focusing specifically on her. Since we’re in the classroom, I can hear all my classmates’ different thoughts, and it’s pretty noisy. I won’t be able to hear if I don’t focus.

(If only I had coffee jelly bwahahaha!! This is the mark of darkness!! Kunio would Gaze upon it!)

Kaido’s thoughts are in the way. This is turning into a weird collaborative experiment.

Geez, if only I could get Kaido to shut up for a second. Well, I guess he is sitting quietly in class, but his mental delusions are always so loud…

Listening to a particular person’s thoughts when I’m walking around town, or even while I’m in class can get very difficult with everyone else’s thoughts echoing at the same time.

But I think I’ve figured out more or less what Teruhashi is thinking.

Apparently Mera told Teruhashi-san that I frequently stop by our local store and order coffee jelly. Good grief, can’t she mind her own business?

(I’ll use the coffee jelly to make him go ‘offu’ for me!)

And now this is the result. I’ve started to realize what Teruhashi wants to do.

(I’ll make you realize, Saiki Kunio… wait a second! Why am I, the very image of perfection, worrying so much about a secondary character like him?!)

Apparently, Teruhashi can’t even grasp the possibility that a single human on Earth won’t go “offu” after just seeing her, considering she’s widely accepted by others, as well as herself, as an exemplary perfect girl. Unfortunately for her, I have my own pride, which means I’m never going to sigh for her, no matter what.

Catching the attention of someone who stands out as much as Teruhashi-san is incredibly dangerous for me, when I just want to live a quiet life as a secondary character. Which is why I respectfully refuse to go “offu”. I don’t want to offu her at all. Wait, am I even speaking English anymore?

In any case, I know no matter what she’s planning, it’s not going to work out.

(But how do you prepare coffee jelly in the first place? I guess I need to get some beans first. And then the recipe…)

She’s going to do it from scratch?! Or rather, she’s planning that far ahead? Can you please spare me the anxiety? Just choose a simpler method. You could probably prepare some easily by buying some jello and instant coffee or something. Just do that. Actually, don’t. Just don’t prepare anything for me. I’m not going to offu no matter what you do, anyways.

(No… as a perfect girl, naturally I want to prepare the perfect coffee jelly, but at the same time, I can’t put in so much effort that the poor boy gets the wrong impression…)

I’m not going to, so you don’t have to worry about that. I’m not going to “get the wrong impression” or go “offu” either.

(But how would I go about giving him the coffee jelly in a natural way…? Should I just say that I prepared too much, so I had to give it away? I have to make it clear that I didn’t prepare it just for him, or he might get the wrong impression…)

So you’re just a tsundere?

(Besides, if I ended up preparing some just for him, it could lead to a stealing frenzy, just like with valentine chocolates. It would be homemade coffee jelly that I prepared by myself, after all. I’m sure everyone would be at each other’s throats just to get some.)

An image of me being attacked by several strong-looking men, getting my glasses broken, and collapsing unconscious on the floor, flashes on Teruhashi’s mind.

(But still… even if I prepared more to avoid creating any conflict, I don’t think it’s realistic to think I could prepare enough. Even someone perfect like me can’t create enough coffee jelly for all humanity, after all…)

Teruhashi’s expression becomes gloomy. She seems to be completely out of options, which I’m perfectly fine with.

(What should I do? A single piece of my own homemade coffee jelly could start World War Three. Even trying to make more jelly for everyone could lead to an all-out global collapse…)

Aren’t you exaggerating a little? By the way, an all-out global collapse just took place in Kaido’s imagination. And now “Black Wings” is wandering aimlessly around an abandoned wasteland.

Kaido’s delusion (new volume) is starting to get intense.

(Only the fittest can survive in a post-apocalyptic world. A manly guy with a mohawk then starts attacking a group of people who need water, food, oil, and coffee jelly to survive.)

Why are you thinking about coffee jelly as well?! What kind of world is that?

Good grief, I need to focus on Teruhashi-san’s thoughts.

(How would the world end in the first place…? I’m sure it would end up with a guy with a mohawk attacking other people who need water, food, oil, and coffee jelly to survive… Or something like that?)

Why are both of your delusions in sync?!

(Sigh… I can’t think of anything. I’m at a loss. What should I do?)

Teruhashi-san starts wondering.

Just don’t prepare anything. Don’t give me anything. Just don’t. You can’t think of that option? I guess I won’t be involved in any troublesome developments if she doesn’t come up with anything, anyways…

(That’s it!)

Wait… what?

I guess I can’t say I’m surprised, though. She’s pretty much blessed by the gods themselves.

(I just have to work part time with Mera whenever Saiki stops by to buy coffee jelly! And it will be me of all people who brings it to him. Hee hee, this will make him go ‘offu’ for sure!)

A distorted image of me going “offu” and then saying “Te-Teruhashi-san?! You’re so beautiful I thought an angel had descended from heaven!” appears on Teruhashi’s mind.

(That’s right! If he won’t go ‘offu’ normally, then I just have to go for a surprise attack!)

So there are different types of “offus” with her? I have to admit I’m a little surprised! Well, I have to admit this is all quite strange.

(You better prepare yourself, Saiki Kunio… I’ll make you go ‘offu’ with my surprise attack!)

She quickly glances at me, and laughs to herself. Sorry to tell you this, but I know exactly what your surprise is even before you’ve started preparing it.

Alright then, so what am I going to do about this?

I have a habit of visiting that store once a week to enjoy the best coffee and coffee jelly while reading a book or something. And it just so happens that today I was going to go there.

I take quick glances throughout the day at Teruhashi-san, who has looked quite pleased ever since she planned her “surprise”, and I also think about that. Should I just go to the store as planned? Or maybe I should call it quits?

The same road, the same store, the same seat and the same coffee jelly as always.

Of course, logically speaking, it would be better for me to just not go today, considering that I was looking forward to enjoying the same as always. This is all Teruhashi-san’s fault, of course. I could very well find my expectations of normalcy completely betrayed by her surprise.

So what would happen if I didn’t show up today?

I would manage to splendidly avoid the surprise that Teruhashi has carefully planned. And that would take care of her for today. But that’s just today.

What about tomorrow?

What about the day after tomorrow?

I really don’t think Teruhashi-san is going to give up just because I avoided her once. Worst case scenario, she’ll keep working at that store until she manages to get her “surprise offu” attack. Not to mention she may attempt something similar at school or on my way back home, and give herself any excuse to try to get her “surprise offu”. I can see how avoiding her time and time again could potentially just make things worse in the long run.

Besides, if I keep doing that, I won’t be able to go back to the store for coffee jelly ever again.

Don’t you think that’s completely ridiculous? In that case, the answer is simple.

I have to do the same as always, get my coffee jelly like I always do, and just not go “offu”.

I cannot go “offu” no matter what. This goes against my policy to avoid trouble, but at the same time, avoiding it this time could lead to further trouble eventually. It’s all a plan to live a life as normal as possible. Alright, let’s get this surprise over with once and for all…

I keep thinking about that, as I walk down the same road as always and head for the shop, when suddenly…

What’s… going on…?

I suddenly notice something strange.

There’s a huge crowd of people in front of the store. The little cafe that would always sit quietly on the side of the road has suddenly become as crowded as a department store during a bargain sale. That’s because Teruhashi-san is there, of course. It’s the only possible reason. But I never thought it would be this bad…

I use my clairvoyance to take a look, and I see Mera-san and the manager freaking out. Instead of jumping and screaming with joy, the manager is truly screaming and looking about to cry.

I can’t blame them. There would usually be some empty seats around this time. This isn’t an hour that sees much traffic for cafes in general. There’s no way so many customers would start crowding the place out of nowhere. Besides, this is truly a ridiculous amount of people. And for some reason the clients are all ordering coffee jelly. Every single table is getting coffe jelly. I just scratch my head in confusion. It’s true that this shop’s coffee jelly is the best in town, no doubt about that. But for every single person to order the exact same thing, one after another? That’s abnormal. What’s going on?

I decide to check up on Teruhashi-san, and figure out the reason immediately.

She’s wearing a maid uniform and preparing the coffee jelly herself.

What a disaster… I’m at a loss. Usually it’s Mera-san who wears the maid uniform, but apparently they decided to give it to Teruhashi-san, despite being a part-timer.

That’s obvious. Teruhashi-san will stand out more and draw in more customers. They’ll see her, go “offu” and order the coffee jelly she’s preparing.

I can’t believe the single different variable today is Teruhashi-san, and moreover that she can draw in so many customers. I’m starting to wonder if her World War Three delusion was actually an exaggeration.

Alright, guess I’ll leave.

I turn around after taking a quick glance inside the shop.

I don’t have enough courage to walk into a shop full of such a large “offu” gang. Besides, I hate crowded places in the first place. Even if I really were into Teruhashi-san, there’s so many people I probably wouldn’t even be able to get close to her.

As I turn around and begin walking away, I hear Teruhashi-san’s inner voice.

(I can’t believe working part-time at a regular shop is so demanding… I won’t make it in time…)

She’s starting to break a sweat as she moves on from one order to the next. Her pace begins to gradually slow down. However, a perfect girl like Teruhashi-san won’t be discouraged by something like this.

(My arms are starting to get numb… but I have to give it my all until Saiki gets here. This is what I practiced at home for… It was all to make him go ‘offu’!)

So she wants to make me “offu”… That’s the sole reason that’s driving Teruhashi-san to keep making coffee jelly beyond human limits. Good grief… Curse my telepathy for having such inconvenient timing.

I guess it can’t be helped…!

(I can’t take it… my arms are at their limit… wait… what?! What’s going on?! I can prepare them much faster now?!)

Just as she was about to faint from exerting herself, suddenly Teruhashi-san’s arms start moving at an incredible speed. Looking somewhat confused, she keeps preparing coffee jelly several times faster than she had been so far.

Just kidding, of course I helped her out with my superpowers. I would feel bad if she ended up passing out from overexerting herself.

Helping out…? I remember doing something similar to Nendo with the fire incident at home. I use my psychokinesis to give Teruhashi-san a boost in speed and strength. With this, she’ll be able to keep working without feeling any exhaustion for a while.

(No way! My arms feel light as a feather! Hah! I guess this is what it feels to go over the wall. Just as expected of me!)

Yeah, let’s just leave it at that.

Alright then, now what am I going to do about this guy?

There’s a male shadowy figure hiding behind a telephone pole and observing me.

(I finally found you, you dirty four-eyes…! I’ll keep observing you to make sure you don’t get even a step closer to my Kokomi!)

I notice the prescence behind me. Geez, this troublesome guy found me…

I wasn't expecting even her creepy older brother to show up. Couldn’t they have gotten rid of him now that we’re doing a new novelization? Besides, I’m starting to worry about this book’s sales, considering we’ve had one pervert after another on our first two chapters.

Teruhashi’s creepy older brother, Teruhashi Makoto, is a popular TV actor and idol who performs under the Mugami Toru psuedonym.

(Where do you think you’re going, useless four-eyes? Did you think you could chase my Kokomi all the way here without getting caught?! I will be the only one who gets to marry Kokomi!)

This is his true personality.

He has an uncontrollable sister complex, and he wants to marry Teruhashi-san, despite being her real brother. No, this goes beyond a normal sister complex, this guy can only be described as a pervert.

(Were you hoping to see her? Hah! I was right to miss work today and come here instead!)

They should’ve fired you from your job already, then.

(Wait for me, Kokomi! Onii-chan is on his way! Ah! My beautiful Kokomi! Onii-chan is calling out to you in his thoughts! Kokomi, Kokomi, KOKOMI, Kokomiiii!)

He might be wearing a hat, sunglasses and a face mask to hide his identity, but that’s not going to fool me, since I can hear everything he’s thinking. These can only be his thoughts.

(I was pretty lucky to notice Kokomi practicing her coffee jelly skills at home! Though it stings that she didn’t want to tell me what it was for, even after pressing her about it. I wanted to think she was going to give me a surprise present, but I still prepared myself for the worst case scenario… and that’s when I found you, you damned four-eyes! You want to taste Kokomi’s coffee jelly so badly that you’re loitering around with that glint in your eyes while you wait for an opening?! How stupid! Your mouth doesn’t deserve to taste Kokomi’s handmade coffee jelly. It’s a premium item that not even the highest quality ¥3000 coffee jelly can compete against! Know your place! The only one who deserves to eat Kokomi’s handmade coffee jelly is me! Ha ha ha! What a shame, creepy loser!)

I’m starting to experience some gestaltzerfall after hearing “coffee jelly” so many times.

(By the way, Kokomi’s practice coffee jelly from yesterday is still in the fridge at home, so I’ve successfully managed to stop you, four-eyed creep, from licking all over her coffee jelly, and I’ll get to enjoy the sweet nectar of victory by licking all over her coffee jelly!)

Why can a dangerous guy like this roam around the streets freely? What’s the Japanese police up to? Not to mention they let him perform on TV, and he’s even popular among viewers. What has the world come to?

Now what am I going to do? I don’t think I’ll be able to go home right away. I don’t want someone like that following me. But I also don’t want to walk right into that offu-ing crowd in front of me. Fortunately, it seems like this creepy older brother still hasn’t noticed that Teruhashi-san is already inside the shop preparing coffee jelly at this very moment. His thoughts right now are:

(Come to think of it, why is there such a huge crowd there? Did a famous actor show up or something?)

Something like that.

Meanwhile, the crowd in front of the café keeps growing. How did it get so large…?

Seems like the rumour of a perfect girl preparing coffee jelly at an unreasonable speed has spread around town. I didn’t expect that to happen. What a mess…

The information has spread so widely, that even a news crew showed up.

And so their live report begins.

“Please take a look! This is the famed perfect girl preparing coffee jelly at an unreasonable speed! She’s ‘offu’! This can only be described as ‘offu’!”

Even helicopters have begun flying around the shop. And also several curious onlookers are stopping by and offu-ing. They’re oofing as they walk by. Apparently even the perverted older brother has started to notice all those people offu-ing.

(So it’s not an actor…? Don’t tell me that crowd is there because Kokomi is preparing coffee jelly while wearing a maid uniform?! The “offu” density per square meter seems appropriate. That’s the only option!)

That’s far too precise. When did you become an esper as well? Besides, what was that about the “offu” density? Don’t start coming up with your own original concepts. That’ll only cause confusion among our readers.

And then, all of a sudden…

“What the hell do you think you’re doooooing?! Stooooooop filming!! Stooooop it!!”

The perverted older brother started yelling as he ran towards the crew. He walked through the crowd of curious onlookers and jumped at the cameraman.

“We’re not filming! We’re not filmiiiing!!”

The crowd starts yelling back at the perverted older brother as he lunges himself on top of the cameraman like an enraged ape.

“Whoa?! What’s with this guy?! Is he a criminal?!”

“Stop it! Someone call the police!”

“Stop watching TV!! Stooop it!! Cut your broadcaaast!!”

The television crew and the enraged perverted brother. Why is he freaking out all of a sudden?

I listen to the perverted older brother’s thoughts on Teruhashi-san.

(I can’t let them show a perfect girl like Kokomi on television. If she appears on a news broadcast or something, she might eventually be known as the ‘perfect little girl’, and will get invited to variety shows and even film appearances. She will then be turned into a famous idol, and after making her debut, not only will she be well known in Japan, but also the entire world. And so she will have fans from all over the world as well. Her songs will explode abroad, and she will get called to do international movies. First she’ll win an Academy Award, but eventually she’ll win every single renowned award from every country on earth for sure. Cults that worship Kokomi as their Godess will start appearing, and then humanity will start fighting blood with blood, and wars will start taking place. People will start fighting in the name of offu, which will undoubtedly lead to… that’s right… World War Three. Damn it! Only I can touch Kokomi as her older brother! You bastards aren’t even on Kokomi’s level! However, despite my wishes, the battles for Kokomi will start getting more and more intense, and finally will destroy the entire world. And in that post-apocalyptic world, certainly a manly guy with a mohawk will show up and start attacking the innocent villagers as he looks for water, food, oil, and Kokomi’s homemade coffee jelly. In that fallen world, Kokomi will still be worshipped as a goddess, and keep giving people hope by making them go “offu”. However, the evil man with the mohawk will try to capitalize her beauty and keep her for himself. But I won’t let him do that. Kokomi, run away with me. I’ve figured out mohawk’s plan completely, so let me take your sweet, pale hands, and let’s run away together to the wasteland. I won’t let you go no matter what… Because in order to save this destroyed world, we will have to become the new Adam and Eve…!!)

That’s too long. I’m not going to read that.

As he attacks the news reporters, the perverted older brother’s sunglasses, hat and eventually mask as well, end up falling to the floor. Which means that now everyone can tell that person was Mugami Toru, the famed actor. And so the crowd of curious onlookers start gasping in surprise.

“Huh? Isn’t that Mugami Toru?”

“What? Why is he here?!”

“Eh? What’s going on? Are they shooting a TV show?”

Hearing the people start talking around him, the perverted older brother manages to cool himself down a bit, and he puts on his Mugami Toru face. He slowly steps away from the camera he was about to destroy, and says:

“That’s right…? I’m Mugami Toru. I’m a… surprise guest…?”

The news crew look completely astonished, and can only look at him as he calmly starts speaking.

The perverted older brother— I mean, Mugami Toru, starts beaming and waving at the crowd of onlookers. And he also shakes their hands, one after the other. He’s also giving out autographs.

I guess this guy is only good at maintaining his appearance.

However, there’s no way that a popular actor will show up in the middle of the street just like that, and people will let him be. His female fans start screaming and pushing against the crowd of onlookers.

To be honest, the crowd so far was mostly male, since people wanted to see Teruhashi-san in a maid uniform as she prepared coffee jelly. And while the crowd inside and around the cafe remains mostly male because they want to see Teruhashi-san and Mera-san, a much larger female crowd is also starting to gather around Mugami Toru.

So what now?

The place has practically become a battlefield.

Men and women, young and old are hearing the rumors and gathering as well. Even more reporters, police officers and even a manly guy with a mohawk are starting to show up as well. It’s a sight to behold, accompanied by the loud noise of the helicopters flying over the scene. Wait, so there really was a manly guy with a mohawk who wanted to get some coffee jelly after all.

I get pushed into the crowd without being able to do anything, and get completely stuck. In the chaos, my glasses start to slip off.

Ugh! This is not good…

I can’t do anything when I’m surrounded by crowds like this, despite being an esper myself.

What a fearsome pair of siblings Teruhashi-san in a maid outfit and Mugami Toru can make.

All jokes aside, I’m really scared the entire world would collapse if Teruhashi-san ever were to wear some cat-ears.

I keep moving along the crowd, until eventually I find myself right in front of the café without even noticing.

This is great. Now that I’m this far, maybe I’ll be able to have some coffee jelly and finally go home. My original plan was to get some coffee jelly regardless of whatever Teruhashi-san was doing. I don’t care if the offu gang shows up in front of the shop, I don’t care if her perverted older brother starts harassing me, I have no reason to change my original plans for any of those things.

I finally reach the door and open it, when suddenly—

(We’re out of ingredients…)

Teruhashi-san is standing there, looking pale and worn out.

I discreetly close the door.

(What a shame… and Saiki didn’t even show up in the end…)

Teruhashi-san is completely motionless, barely catching her breath. The clients are offu-ing as they eat her coffee jelly. Mera-san is beaming as she counts today’s profits. The manager collapses on the floor completely exhausted… I check on the situation inside the café one more time, and finally decide to go home.

I see the perverted older brother smiling, surrounded by his fans. He seems to be completely occupied with the TV crew and fans, so I don’t think he’s going to follow me anymore.

I have no business here if there’s no more coffee jelly.

I somehow slip away from the crowd, and begin walking by myself. What a terrible day. I got swept away by a large crowd, and couldn’t even get to eat some coffee jelly.

The only thing that could make me feel better was that coffee jelly in the first place.

I stop by a close-by convenience store and buy some coffee jelly. I choose a very high quality coffee jelly that costs a good amount of my monthly allowance. Maybe this might help me get rid of the sour aftertaste left in my mouth after this awful day.

After going out of the convenience store, I realize there is still a large crowd in front of the café. Actually, it seems to be getting biffer for some reason. The Teruhashi siblings are truly scary.

And then suddenly, for some reason, I start hearing Teruhashi-san’s thoughts very clearly from inside the shop.

(I’m not going to give up… A perfect girl doesn’t budge even after one or two failures! Saiki Kunio… I’m going to give you a surprise offu next time!)

I figured. Teruhashi-san is definitely thinking something along those lines. That’s why I wanted to get rid of this surprise ploy of hers today.

(That’s right!)

Teruhashi-san seems to have come up with something yet again.

(If I’m going to surprise him anyways, I should prepare something with more impact than some regular coffee jelly. Like for example, a coffee jelly that looks completely white but still has the same taste.)

Sorry, Teruhashi-san. We already did that.

(Hah! And I will be the one carrying that pure white coffee jelly dressed in a pure white dress myself. I’m sure not even Saiki will be able to hold back his offus after something like that! Pure white is the color of a bride, after all… N-No, that’s not what I mean at all!! Don’t get the wrong impression, there’s no deeper meaning to that! I’m just thinking of a surprise, after all!)

She keeps repeating that same excuse to herself.

(...But still…)

Teruhashi-san sighs.

(I practiced so much… I really wanted you to try some… Saiki…)

I turn my back to Teruhashi’s voice inside the cafe, and start walking.

“Practiced…” huh?

I take out the coffee jelly from the bag I got at the convenience store. That’s right. I don’t know if this is going to work, but it might be worth a try. I gaze closely at the coffee jelly I’m holding in my hand, and suddenly it transforms.

Bingo.

I use my apport skill, and in an instant, change the contents of the cup. The new jelly is, in fact, the leftovers from the practice Teruhashi had been doing at home that were previously in her refrigerator. I only happened to find out because of what her brother was thinking. Who knew he could be useful sometimes.

I look at the newly acquired coffee jelly, and hear Teruhashi-san’s thoughts once again.

(Ugh! Why didn’t Saiki come?! I’m waiting for him with a surprise! Any other guy would’ve been over the moon!)

You make no sense at all.

It wouldn’t be a surprise if they already knew about it. Besides, no normal guy would’ve been able to predict a surprise was waiting for them in a place like this.

As long as they weren’t an esper…

I walk back home with the homemade coffee jelly inside the bag.