System Vent - Blog Posts

Thats exactly how we feel too, so good to see were not alone

A comic about how our system (especially our host) feels about our experiences as a P-DID system, and our place in the system community as a P-DID system.

text written out under cut

"I wish we weren't a P-DID system."

"I've been the lone host of this system for 11+ years. The dominant part of it."

"It's been a lot to deal with."

"I wish I wasn't the host of our system."

"I wish I could switch out with someone willingly,"

"Because sometimes it's all too much."

"I know it would probably be just as - if not more- distressing."

"But sometimes I find myself envious of system that can switch and share responsibilities."

"I want to switch, but I'm also scared of the idea of letting go of front. Maybe that comes with being a P-DID system."

"I'm scared of what might happen if someone else fronted, alone."

"I feel guilty for thinking that, because I know of a handful of instances,"

"and all of them were FINE. Nobody even suspected it was Titan or Harby, not me."

"Of course, they only front very rarely. I can count all instances I know on two hands. And only when I physically can't front. Due to sleeping\being unconscioud or something similar."

"I feel bad that the others don't get time to do the things they want to."

"I feel like none of this might be real, because I rarely see people talk abt [about] P-DID experiences."

"I feel like an outsider in the system community."

"I wish there was a bigger P-DID community to share experiences with."

[text in boxes say: "*something about switches* #pdid" "*talk abt switching* #pdid" "*switching meme* #pdid" "*switching* #pdid" "*switches* pdid"] "I feel sad everytime I see post[s] about switching in the PDID tags. They remind me that's not me."

"You can't do that."

"I'm -- we're -- tired of constantly hearing P-DID is just the OSDD-1 of the ICD. We don't think they're the same at all."

"When we hear people with OSDD-1 share their experiences, we can't really relate. Neither subtype reflects our experience as a P-DID system."

"I feel broken and wrong."

"I feel like we don't belong in the system community."

"We don't share a lot of the common system experiences, because we have P-DID."

"But we don't feel like we belong to the singlets, either."

"We feel alone with our struggles."

so so very tired. i can't take being tired anymore... so tired of being disabled because being disabled makes me tired. i am exhausted and i wish someone else could front to get the load off of me.

i will absolutely grab one of the random nameless, bodyless fragments that are probably in my system and morph it into someone who can help me. but like i've done that before, i've created parts. they haven't fronted after their creation and it fucking sucks

please i just want someone equipped to help me with this to front. why can't i push through this constant neverending lethargy and exhaustion. i can probably almost fall asleep standing up right now, and yet i have to help mom clean up the room we share with her (because our bum ass housemates have; a, taken my room and the living room and b; don't help with anything and pretend everything is fine because they give us money for rent sometimes.)

long kinda vent ahead hooray. it's kinda system-flavored this time. tastes like lemon. 🍋

sometimes it's really hard being a system, especially one that is so, like, hyper-aware of everything i have. every disorder, every disability. thing is, i can't do anything to fix myself!!

i've literally told my own mother about separate identity states and the memory loss and whatnot. she said to my therapist that i "was right about the dissociative thing," even if we were only diagnosed so far with unspecified dissociative disorder. the dmdd diagnosis typically leads to an adulthood diagnosis of bipolar, which i'm actually scared about. i fit much more into borderline, just like my mom.

ugh, i don't know. i don't even know what i'll be diagnosed with, come adulthood. i mean system-wise. we're a trauma-endo system (which some fuckheads will already think is enough to not warrant a diagnosis, thanks for that) that doesn't switch from the main host a lot. we have good communication when i can switch out from the front, but we don't have complete memory loss. if anything, it's more like emotional amnesia and the memories are kinda gone too, but they can come back at a later date.

for example, our medic fictive had to call the cops (they didn't even do anything either, but it was our mom's last resort) one night at 2 am last year. i don't remember it well, but i remember it happened. he was terrified that night and he couldn't switch out.

but what the fuck could we even be diagnosed with? i want a diagnosis. i want to figure out exactly what is going on with my brain. most of my parts aren't exactly same-y. they're different people, at least most of them are. sure, we have to mask a little bit, but they think and act a little different than me. we have the memory loss, but i've always had a horrid memory, even before our late syscovery in january of 2021. but i sometimes feel like it's not "bad enough" to warrant a full-on did diagnosis.

it just confuses me. a lot of the times before, my mom would see me looking up disorders and go "oh, shi's just looking hirself up again." but i'm just that aware of what's wrong with me. people either see me and disregard my research, or i just don't know how to help myself. those are the 2 results. yes, i have a therapist. yes, i open up to her and she makes me feel safe, much more than any other therapist i've had in the past.

i just don't know how to help myself. to help us. i want to live in functional multiplicity, mostly because i get so tired and i get so lonely. i don't want these people to be gone at all. if anything, they give me someone to talk to, even if our headspace isn't permanent and we don't remember our own conversations, even if we jot them down. my memory absolutely sucks. i can't remember faces, names, or even voices sometimes. i can't remember people.

basically, i love and yet hate being disabled by anything my mind and body throws at me. i like the community, i like learning about myself. i hate the symptoms, i hate the confusion and the doctors not being able to do their fucking job. ahem, looking at you doctors who only tested me for SLEEP APNEA, which i definitely do not have. now they want to test me for narcolepsy... which i probably don't have, either.

sometimes i wish what it was like to be of sound mind and body, even if it was for just one singular day.