Tatter - Blog Posts

I'm letting Bada take me anywhere without a question

231022 bada and tatter in gocheok skydome today

©mivniverse22

YOUR BEAUTIFUL

Unlucky. That's all I felt when I woke up this morning. From the very beginning of my days to the very end. It's all I ever feel. I used to tell myself, "People will like you if you just be yourself. And if they don't then fuck them". That was my thought process, until I realized I am the fucking problem. No on wants to be around me or tries to get to know me, then I start to feel like 12 year old girl eating lunch in the bathroom because no one gave a shit about her.

I get up to make breakfast, only to see the eggs and pancakes sitting front there waiting for me with a note. "I'll be back in a couple of hours baby, make sure you eat. I will check before you try to lie. Love you." My girlfriend, Tatter. When I first got to Korea, I had no one and could barely speak the language until I met her. My Sun.

Flackback

"I'm literally never going to find this place. I could've sworn that nice-looking lady said, "Take a left. Now that I think about she didn't look that nice and now that's what I get for trusting old people." I start to rush around the street trying to find a bus stop, it's getting dark outside and I have no fucking clue where I am. Until I bump straight into someone, already fed up with everything I immediately go off on them.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, can't you look or see at all? I'm literally going through shit right now and everything is shit and omg fuck." I yelled out at the person without looking at them. Then I hear laughing, which pisses me off even more, and I look uo ready to fight at this point until I see her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to knock into, but I've kinda been watching you talk to yourself and have a meltdown for a minute. I thought you were crazy. " She says, trying to hide her laugh.

I'm not paying attention to anything she is saying. It's hard to focus, she's so fucking beautiful. Then I realize I'm staring, "Guess you are no help." She gives me her hand to help me up. That's right. I've been sitting on the ground staring at her for the past few minutes. So, not smooth, Kat. "I actually was going that way. You can come with me. Unless you would like to continue your conversation with yourself." I stare at her for a while again. "I'll come with you, but only because you know that way." She laughs loudly. "That's fine, I'm Tatter, by the way. I look around, confused. "That's a unique name, I'm Kat short for Kathleen." I said smiling maybe we might become friends.

Present time

Looking back is such a weird thing for me. How different I was is wild. You see, dating Tatter is amazing. It always has been until well I happened, I guess. It's like my brain has never allowed me to be happy. From being extremely insecure to unhappy, I don't know how she deals with me. The thing that bothers Tatter most is my body dysmorphia. Almost everyone I see are people she hangs with, that's skinny, beautiful, talented girls. And as much as I try to hate them, I hate that I can't ever find any flaws. Unlike me, whose flaws are so evident. I've never been skinny, I am I'm a thick girl. Some would say slim thick.

Until they see the belly, and the stretch marks all on my thighs and stomach. I try to work out, but it's hard. I mean, going to the gym is scary. All those people around me are judging my size and weight. Then Tatter is a dancer, a great one at that. She always tries to get me to show up to her classes or hang out with her friends, I know she will eventually feel like I'm blowing her off, but I'm ashamed. Ashamed of myself, my girlfriend is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and hangs out around other beautiful women. Yet her girlfriend looks like a fucking horror movie.

I've been sitting her losing track of time before I her the door open and Tatter stepping in with a bag in her hand. "Hey, bubble, I'm back. And you won't believe it while we were at the mall just window shopping. I saw the most beautiful dress. And I got it." She tells me while smiling. She is always smiling, ughh she is so fucking gorgeous it hurts. She pulls out the dress to show me. It's a long, backless dress, with a slit going down the right leg. "You seeing was literally made for you. It's pretty right? Well, it's gonna look even pretty with you in it tonight, at the crew dinner." Oo shit, crew dinner, I forgot that was tonight. It's too late to make my an excuse on the spot and bail. I just look at her nodding, "yea it's pretty."

She pushes me in the room and tells me to start getting ready. I sit there contemplating my life while staring at the dress. It's really pretty, but will it still look the same on me. I turn my hand and notice Tatter is walking around getting ready as well. She is wearing pants, a and sweater. Though it's really tight fit to her body and makes her curves pop. I paid attention to the dress again and finally decided to put it on. "OK, I mean this sint that bad. It could be worse." I tell myself until I hear my phone go off. So much for motivational pep talk. It's a notification from some random girl I don't remember following on Instagram. "Hey, her dress is similar to mine."

There it is, happening like always. I start to overthink and analyze every detail about myself. Making comparison after comparison. "We look like we're wearing two completely different things." I notice, what the fuck did I expect. She is skinny and pretty, and I'm me. I look out the bedroom door to see Tatter, happily walking apurnd the room finished with getting ready. "What am I doing? This is stupid." I walk outside the bathroom and tell her I'm ready she notices my expression and stops." What's wrong?" I just look at her. What could she possibly like about me. "Nothing, let's go." I tell her to end the conversation before it even starts. I'm not gonna fuck this up for her, I'll just hand with her crew and come home and cry about it later. It's not her fault I'm like this.

She grabs my arm as I walk out of the room. Turning me around to face her. "You look beautiful." No, no, please don't do this now. I was so close to keeping it together. "The dress was made for you, baby." I look at her with a pleading face. "Please stop, don't lie to me, I'm aware of how I look." She immediately frowns up when I start to cry. I was seriously trying to avoid this. "What are you talking about? I'm not lying. Why are you crying, baby? What happened?" I really can do this right now. " I happened, how can you stand here and tell me this fucking delusions. I look fucking disgusting, I always look nasty and hard to look at. So let's just get this over with and go see your friends, please." She grabs me and stands right behind me.

So closely, I can feel her breath on my neck. I look up, and we are facing a mirror. I try to move or pull away, but she has a firm grip on me. Keeping me in place, being forced to stare at myself. "Look, what do you see? I stare back at her. "Our reflections, what else would I see. She cuts me off before I can throw out another remark. "No, tell me what you really see. Do you want me to go first? I see the most beautiful women I've ever laid eyes on. The same woman I bumped into on that dead-end street that cursed me out for a solid 5 minutes. The same woman that lights up a room whenever she walks into it. The woman who works so hard not only takes care of others but makes sure to put everyone above herself. But most of all, I see the absolutely gorgeous curvy girl tempered girl I fell in love with the moment I walked her to the bus stop. I don't love you because of your looks baby. I smile while crying fully now, "That sounded like a backhanded ass complement Tatter", I say while slightly laughing.

"My love, will you shut up and let me finish or so help me, God? I continue laughing and gestures for her to continue. "Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I don't love you because off your looks, they are simply a bonus to the full premium package you've come with. My view of you hasn't changed since that day. You're beautiful." She tells me while kissing my shoulder and rubbing my stomach. "I love you to Tatter, so so much. You wouldn't even begin to believe." She smirks before saying, "My speech was better, but I'll let you live. "Wow, and you are an asshole." I tell her before she grabs my waist holding me. "Now let's go to that dinner, baby. I'm pretty sure Bada is ready to call the fire department to check on us."

(P.S. this is a shoutout to all my insecure girlies, including myself. Remember, you are beautiful. We were made with diversity, and that's a beautiful thing. Big, small, and midsized are just different versions of gorgeous.)