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If this isn't what it is, then what is it that it is? Or what would it be that it is? Just tell me what is it... Or what it would end up in..?
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Why is one particular thing interconnected to so many particular things that to have one particular thing all other particular things must get in order to that one particular thing....
Me, myself again
The other day someone asked me, whatās the most precious thing in your life? Or maybe something that you hold on to? I thought for a very long time and my answer was ānothingā. Yes, I do not associate feelings with objects anymore. There was a time when even the smallest of objects meant the world to me, where I was close to all petty things and anything anybody gave me it meant the world to me. I used to cry and drain my tears out if I lost something, but now things have changed. I first thought that it was because of the so called āmaturityā I gained with increasing age and that it was normal. I thought it was childishness that I expressed before.
But I just feel that day by day I am getting detached from things. I think that I donāt associate feelings with objects because then, being objects they tend to get damaged and when that happens it hurts. And I thought maybe Iāll leave objects and associate greater amount of feelings with people. There are very few people in my life with whom I associate. I thought this was what growing up meant, that when you become matured this is what you do, but alas I preferred the childishness.
There was a thing with associating feelings with objects, there is no expectation of the object to have the same feeling towards you and thus without expectations there is no scope for disappointments.
With people it complicates things. You have to get what you give and when that does not happen you feel disappointed. So was I. With all those disappointments in life from people every now and then, I just realized that I canāt associate with anything. I just canāt.
Neither people nor things. After every failure, breakup of every relationship, loosing of objects I tend to move on very easily in life and people think that Iām emotionless, a lot have said too but I have just become so. From too emotional to emotionless. I couldnāt take the disappointments so I stopped expecting. Maybe this is good maybe it isnāt. I donāt know and I donāt want to know.
People say that I use them for my gain, well when I was being used I dint complain, but when you get the taste of your own medicine its bitter now!
People say that my behavior and attitude isnāt right, well you just get what you give.
I have always been told that my ego is my biggest enemy, you call it ego I call it, self respect.
I donāt care about others and their feelings you say, when no one gave a damn about me I just stopped caring.
For me, I am the way life has tamed me. I might be emotionless, egoistic, rude, emotionless or anything. Itās your perception about me, and I canāt do anything about it. But donāt give me hopes, donāt talk about me or regarding my presence in your life to someone associated with us and I get to know from them. If you want to say something, tell it to me right at my face I wonāt feel offended. Donāt be surprised when I get worried about the people in my life, even though I donāt show any emotions Iām very protective when it comes to my people. I loved the old me but I wasnāt practical, the new me is just a reflection of how Iām treated. The people around me and situations I have been through have made me think this way. Maybe it isnāt it pleasing and convenient but this way Iām not hurt every now and then. So I prefer being this way because I now care more about me than others, as that phase of me putting everybody else before me has passed long time ago.