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i can't // mitch rapp x reader
the day was long enough as it was; your body lethargic, dirt staining your skin as it burrowed toward your nail beds, forehead slightly pink from the blood that you wiped away. you stared at the remnants on the back of your hand as you waited for the elevator to reach your floor.
time was moving slowly, caused by the exhaustion from the mission you had just completed. barely completed. alone, but with enough luck to get you by. the beckon to report your conclusion in person was a weight that made your shoulders drag. your head hanging with as much disappointment. you cursed, aloud, and to yourself, but still found your empty body waiting in the lobby of the CIA's empire.
leaning against the frame, you listened as the elevator sung, the contraption opening at a decreased pace, predetermined energy conserved to just get you past the doors -
you saw gold. you always did whenever you looked at him, it was the first feature that entrapped you from the very beginning. they were hidden behind hooded eyes but you were still magnetised. he looked just as tired as you, if not more, the length of his hair long enough to lick at his cheeks as he finally focused on your waiting form.
his gaze grew slightly. it was as if realisation hit, and you only just managed to stop the door from closing as you spent your time staring at one another in silence.
you were alone today because of him. he was alone today because of you. it was never like this - never alone. you and mitch rapp shared every second of your lives at one point, and it was glorious to revel in a partnership that stretched beyond the field. but you didn't just have each other's backs, you had each other's hearts.
muscles that not only pumped blood, but held passion and endearment. that kept promises and oaths. hearts that were given to another for safe keeping - but they ended up shattered, like everything in this cruel world that kept you employed.
you took a step forward and spun away from him, your nose inches from the closing door. he remained at the back. it is a shame that your job left you both bitter and stubborn - emotional regulation gone out the window, patience slipping through fingers that hardly had the energy to grasp anymore. you both would argue from the moment the sun exchanged roles with the incandescence of night, to when the birds sung their morning lullabies.
it provoked two souls to tear apart. but the giddying warmth, the contentedness that often hid behind closed doors, the love that pulled you two together once upon a time still lingered. and it fucking hurt.
"i miss you."
your voice was hardly recognised by your own ears, but mitch heard perfectly. it was a thought that swam in your mind daily and the courage to let it slip past trembling lips was only found when all defences were down. a bitter-sweet opportunity forced by your fatigued demeanour. your tone was quiet but it still shook. nearly as much as the contraption you were standing within.
it made mitch gulp. the innocence of your tone thumped strongly in his chest, the confession making his fingertips twitch with need. he stared at the back of your head before you were getting closer, his feet absentmindedly pulling him toward you.
the next sound he heard was your breath hitching. his own hitting your neck as he stood behind your form, hands desperate to grab onto your waist. but he forced himself back before the roughness of your denim jeans could graze his callused skin.
florals. even after the day you had, he could still smell the floral scent of your shampoo. or maybe it was just burnt so thoroughly in the back of his mind that he was imagining it. just like this moment. he dreamt of it so much.
he also dreamt of the moment he would hear the angelicness of your voice again.
and the way you would touch him.
how he would touch you.
but this world is indeed cruel. and this man has loved and lost before. twice, now.
he wanted to reassure you, but found it difficult to push sentiments from the weight of his tongue. he could end it right here, right now. but he won't. he can't hurt again, and he would only hurt you more in the end.
mitch drew a deep breath and you felt it once again as it tickled loose hairs on your neck.
"i can't."
strained syllables escaped him as his pained tone cracked through the empty elevator space. it echoed, digging deeper in your hearts the more the sound reverberated. he squeezed his eyes closed, the honey shade disappearing.
the movement around you both stopped, the door opening to your destination.
you drew a deep breath now, finalising the anguish that pushed and pulled in your chest.
"i know."