Latest Posts by paradoxf0x - Page 4

I don’t care if this was supposed to read “Healthy Burgers,” this says “Heal Thy Burgers” and nothing can convince me otherwise

2020 is that one guy you know who has to take everything up to 11

Printers: now with attitude

Kids these days don’t know how easy they have it with their internet and cellular phones and the absence of regular tiger attacks

Maybe it’s Mystique shapshifting again

Maybe she's born with it.

Maybe it’s glamour magick.

Yesssssss the puns

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

I’m gonna need you to perform a full memory wipe before leaving, thanks

if we break up u have to return your keys and all knowledge of my personality traits & netflix queue

When I was in high school I managed to get myself haunted by this really helpful passive aggressive ghost. I’ll elaborate: one of the times I lost my phone, which was on silent, I started panicking and I asked my friend Jessie who was with me if she’d seen my phone anywhere, and at that moment the ghost threw it across the room with enough force to dent my wall.

I still think about that ghost anytime I loose my phone. If you’re out there reading this, please come back; I can’t find any of my shit.

I’ve always been a bit of a kleptomaniac, but to this day I’ve never taken anything that made any logical sense. For example:

A wrench off the top of a fire hydrant

A coil of rope from behind a dumpster (it wasn’t dirty)

A big ass tree branch I carried for two miles that barely fit in my friend’s car; reaching from the driver’s seat through the little door thing and into the trunk

A broken piano from the side of the road that I dragged toward my house for half a mile before giving up (pianos are heavy)

Say it Ain’t So on infinite repeat in a Barnes & Nobel that never closes

Procrastinating be like

Add a sense of mystery to your RPG by not doing any game planning until 25 seconds before the first session.

hey so being autistic is a defining part of my personality and identity. most of the good and interesting things in my life stem from that. and most of my friends are autistic or neurodivergent, and are my friends because we’re neurodivergent and have cool things in common. I like myself, and my life, and the people in it, and i’m getting damned tired of seeing our mental divergences portrayed as innately negative and scary. being autistic means we face unique challenges and deserve respectful accommodations, full stop. Our lives are full and very much worth living, thanks

something u need to understand about me is that me and my brain are NOT friends and she is NOT helpful to me. bitch gives me all these thoughts and feelings and is like "deal with these for me will u?" GIRL YOU'RE LITERALLY THE GUY IN CHARGE

(Credit to CollegeHumor for making this wonderful trailer)

An Enchanted Map

it shows you a map of an area of your choosing in any amount of detail but every time you use it the DM plays the map song from Dora first. it plays in-game too.

Anyone else feels like they overshare everything with others and at the very same time haven’t opened up at all to anyone

Prosecution: Your honor, the defendant has been scamming people into buying fake “immortality elixirs” for years!

Defense: Objection! Your honor, the defense requests the prosecution specify exactly how many years?

Prosecution: Gladly, your honor. As you can see from the arrest records submitted into evidence, the defendant has had the audacity to continue committing this felony for 148 years!

Judge: I’m sorry, did I hear that correctly? The defendant has been selling immortality elixirs for 148 years?!

Prosecution: Yes, your honor, the earliest documented arrest was in 1886.

Judge: It’s 2014.

Prosecution: Yes, your honor.

Judge: And you don’t see anything weird about that? Anything at all?

Defense: In light of this stupidity, the defense demands the immediate release of my client followed by a drop of all charges and would like to file a lawsuit against the arresting officer for slander.

Judge: Yes. Right. Bailiff, please release the defendant. Oh, and bring me any of the elixirs taken into evidence.

New hot take:

River Song is Miss Frizzle

Prove me wrong, I dare you.

It is our duty as feminists to protect and respect women in Hijabs

Friend: “How’s that book coming along?”

Me: “Which one?”

Friend: “You already finished one?!”

Me and my seventeen half-finished prologues of various novels and thirty other abandoned books with absolutely no endings: “Well, you see...”

How my high school friend group was formed

I’m sorry but name ONE trope better than “broken people with different kinds of baggage come together and form their own family” there is nothing to top it

Relatable

this morning when i was on register this guy gave me cash n it was all wet n he said sorry i fell in a lake

Group projects be like

I asked you to “sign me the fuck up”, not “assign me the fuck-up,”

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In english,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” - A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Now I can’t stop thinking of a vampire politely knocking on the bedroom window of a house whispering “can I come in please?”

I was thinking about how vampires need permission to enter a home and then immediately thought: Damn, vampires would make really bad house burglars.

I was thinking about how vampires need permission to enter a home and then immediately thought: Damn, vampires would make really bad house burglars.

You like a girl with a lot of personality, you say?

meirl

Maybe he has a hoarding problem maybe he doesn’t. You’ll never know unless you open the box.