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Adulthood - Blog Posts
Etudier
Avant, étudier c’était pour faire briller des étoiles dans les yeux des adultes. C’était pour faire croire que j’étais quelqu’un de bien, de digne d’intérêt. C’était facile, c’était un jeu, je me racontais des histoires, ce en quoi j’excellais, on disait tu iras loin, et j’étais persuadée que c’était vrai. Longtemps, étudier a été une échappatoire, une fierté, un moteur d’ambition, quelque chose que j’aimais.
J’écrivais mes dictées comme des lettres d’amour. Je récitais l’alphabet comme un poème. Etudier valait la peine.
Aujourd’hui, maintenant que je suis adulte (qu’il est laid, ce mot, qu’il est écrasant), étudier est un mot qui me tord le ventre. Ce sont sept lettres comme une menace irrationnelle, sept lettres en moi qui font résonner les pierres. Pour mes études j’ai créé des échos qui font rouler des graviers dans ma gorge et me lacèrent de l’intérieur, l’angoisse en est devenue physique, et moi je suis : incontrôlable. J’ai des coups de sang, des crises de larmes, des rages infantiles. Je me noie entre mes fiches et mes listes interminables.
Il faut croire que même les études réveillent des monstres. Je suis terrifiée : de rater ma vie, de ne rien valoir, de me battre sans savoir pourquoi. Je suis terrifiée de poursuivre dans cette voie et de me rendre compte dans trente ans que ce n’était pas la mienne, que voilà, je me suis trompée, et que j’ai passé toute une vie à satisfaire des désirs qui n’étaient jamais les miens. C’est que je ne suis pas faite pour choisir, je n’ai pas de voie, non ; je suis mouvante et incapable de faire le deuil des possibles.
Je ne sais pas me définir sans ma quête de perfection, mes ambitions démesurées, mes exigences tyranniques. Je ne suis pas : sociable, jolie, intéressante, drôle, désirable. Alors je ne sais pas qui je suis si je ne parviens pas à réussir. C’est tout ce qu’il me reste. Je ne sais rien faire d’autre que cela, répondre à des exigences académiques, rentrer dans la norme, avoir un parcours sans accrocs.
Pour la première fois, étudier n’est pas facile. Peut-être que je n’irai pas si loin. Peut-être a-t-on placé en moi trop d’espoirs, trop d’attentes : des étouffements. J’ai l’impression que je n’ai jamais grandi, que j’ai fait semblant. Comment se faire à l’idée de décevoir ?
Rmabling, and skip it if you wanna,
but I gotta get this off my chest somehow. i am so exhausted and just came out of my first car accident with enough already on my plate. each time something goes well, something awful happens, and I just...give me a break to regenerate and blossom. we are thinking of a rent-a-car or entireprise(?) till then, but since it's the weekend, I guess we wait 🤷♀️. any comments are still appreciated, funny ones more so. Is this adulthood 😫😭
P.S. I do want to add that I really do love this site and how happy it's made me is imaginable. Especially during those tiring moments.
Something I learned today:
The death of joy and whimsy and all things related to happiness is adulthood.
I'm growing up too fast and my (seasonal) depression isn't helping my odds at being hopeful.
If you're a younger teenager, make sure to hold onto this years with an iron grip and squeeze out every bit of joy from it as you can.
You're gonna need it.
Do the thing, eat the food, ask for help, live the experience and never say no to something that sounds cool (unless it's actually dangerous/goes against your beliefs).
Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
Live your life and be as happy as you can, every little piece of joy counts.
I recently had an epiphany about the nature of adulthood. It's kind of like an oak tree.
In botany, the term "tree" does not describe a type of plant. In fact, many different plant groups have evolved into "trees". The term "tree" is a description of a shape/lifestyle that plants can take so you wouldn't really call a freshly sprouted acorn a tree yet. It is a sapling. I think adulthood is similar but kind of the opposite.
Adulthood is not a description of shape but a description of behavior. I have seen many adults who still acted quite childishly and many supposed children who act very adult-like. And no I am not meaning adults who have fun or otherwise don't fit society's arbitrary description of adult behavior.
To better define it, adult behaviors are ones that are motivated by an understanding of the existence of self, and an understanding of the existence of others.
Adults understand that they, themselves, do exist. They understand that they can perform actions that will change their environment. They know that those actions will have consequences. They know that those consequences will, in turn, impact themselves. I have seen many adult-shaped people who did not understand this and thus acted as though they were not under the effect of their own actions, which is untrue. I have also seen many adult-shaped people who acted as though they could not perform any actions to cause a change in their environment which is untrue. Both of these behaviors are very childish.
But to clarify, I am not talking about people who are struggling. I am not talking about people who don't know what to do. I am not talking about people who are trapped in terrible situations with little chance of escaping without outside help. I am saying that if you are asking questions like "What will I do?" or "What am I doing?" or "How will I get out of this?", then, by those very questions, you are displaying one-half of the mentality that proves that you are an adult.
The other half is the understanding of the existence of other people. Other people exist, and on the surface, many adult-shaped people will claim to understand this, but they don't understand it. They know it, and they hate it. They disregard or don't understand the fact that other people exist and are just like themselves. They are people who can affect their world and cause change, who have their own view of the world and feel things just like everyone else.
It is the combination of these lines of thought that leads to more adultlike thinking. Such complex thoughts like "If other people exist and are as unique as I am, then I have probably felt things that other people haven't felt, and other people have felt things that I could never understand. Both of these things co-exist and are both okay. Experiences that I don't understand are still valid." This kind of thinking is what makes you an adult. If you cannot think like this then you are not an adult, but an adult-shaped child.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Critique away.