Deacon - Blog Posts

Fallout 4 companions... PART 2!!!!

Fallout 4: Where is the Lone Wanderer?*

*a vague conspiracy theory which doesn’t actually answer the question at hand. We all have our own ideas of how the lore should go, and I’m sure yours is very canon-compliant and valid, but this is mine and I have support for it. Looooongpost.

First off: What do we know about the canon Wanderer?

We know they activated Project Purity (or had a companion do it) without the FEV and were inducted into the Brotherhood. We know they’ve met with MacCready (you can’t finish the game if you don’t), and he has dialogue indicating they had further contact. They also took the Brotherhood’s side at Adams Air Force Base.

We don’t know what happened with The Replicated Man, but since the canon Wanderer appears to have good karma, and info from 4 implies Zimmer’s disappearance was more recent than ten years ago, it seems likely they took the boring ending, which secures their membership in the Railroad.

Why aren’t they in Fallout 4?

The Doylist answer is that they’re highly customizable, and so they have no canon appearance, personality, gender, etc. But in-universe? Something happened.

“Accepting outsiders like yourself has proven disastrous in the past.” - Kells

“I've seen other soldiers come and go. Some were brave, some were honest... hell, some were even downright heroic.” - Danse

“Every doctor I've talked to was worthless. [] I don't need them... I need someone like you.” - MacCready

When Duncan first got sick, “someone like you” would have meant the Wanderer. This suggests (to me) that they’re not in the Capital Wasteland anymore. But they’re certainly not in the Commonwealth either.

The weird thing is that the Lone Wanderer is all over this game - they’re the namesake for a male hairstyle, a perk, a DCR song, a motorcycle brand… and the codename of Deacon’s mission to save the Railroad from certain destruction by recruiting the Sole Survivor.

Someday We’ll Find It, the Deacon Connection

Oh yeah, I’m going here. Desdemona’s terminal entries confirm it was always Deacon’s plan to get you onboard and use you to destroy the Institute. There are Railroad lookout posts near 111/Sanctuary and Red Rocket, and of course he followed you in Goodneighbor, Diamond City, and Bunker Hill (at least). His court jester vibe hides it a bit, but he’s manipulating you more than he’s manipulating Desdemona in the intro scene. And do you notice he rarely gives you a firm verbal disapproval unless you’re hurting the Railroad?

What could have caused Deacon’s interest in you, unless he’s made the connection between you and the Lone Wanderer? He’ll vouch for you if you haven’t accomplished anything yet, or even if you’re a Brotherhood member. A Pip-Boyed stranger emerges from a vault in the middle of a crisis, gaining friends, skills, items, and special abilities at a suspicious rate? Probably with the same gender and playstyle as the previous one? Heck, when he first heard the rumors, he probably thought you WERE the Lone Wanderer.

There are other indications the Railroad has been in contact with them — Desdemona mentions the Capital Wasteland as their primary destination for synths, and Deacon references Harkness’s recall code. If you refuse to pick a codename, Desdemona even assigns you “Wanderer.”

So what happened, then?

I think the answer lies with the Brotherhood, specifically in Deacon’s hatred of them. Sure, ideology is enough to hate them for, but Deacon sure seems suspiciously happy if you nuke their base of operations. (Some of) his comments on that:

“The Brotherhood... well, I met them on an op in Capital Wasteland a few years back. But now with Elder Maxson... Let's just say, not a fan.”

“That bastard Maxson really screwed them up. The Brotherhood used to be the good guys. Well, goodish.”

[Who’s Elder Maxson?] “He’s a piece of work, is what he is.”

And on his time in the Capital:

“Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Capital Wasteland? Now there's a tale.”

“Capital Wasteland. Exports: purified water, some decent tech, oh, and an insane suicidal cult that worships radiation. Thanks, guys.”

“I miss Capital Wasteland. You can actually drink the water there.”

And a few lines I’ve decided (with no evidence) directly refer to LW:

“Last partner I had wound up going... well, a little insane. I think it was all my show tune medleys.”

[After Maxson orders you to hunt Danse down] “See? This is what the Brotherhood's really about.”

And my favorite: “I’ve been looking forward to kicking the Brotherhood’s teeth in. I owe them.” This line comes before Glory is killed, so he’s not referring to that. The Brotherhood only recently arrived in force in the Commonwealth. He’s talking about something that happened in the Capital Wasteland.

So Here’s What Might Have Happened:

In early 2286, Deacon moves to the Capitol Wasteland for awhile, probably to get a face change and lay low for a bit. He contacts the Lone Wanderer, who has barely heard from the Railroad in nine years. They begin to work together.

(In context, this journal entry looks like he’s somehow gathering intel to predict when Vault 111 will open, but I can’t think of a way for him to get that information or know why it’s important, so I’m not going to believe it just yet.)

The Wanderer is still a knight, maybe a paladin. Maxson has been elder for 2-3 years and is monitoring the Institute. Meanwhile, the Lone Wanderer and Deacon are setting up infrastructure to receive escaped synths.

And then the Brotherhood finds out about one of the safehouses. With their limited understanding, they believe that the Institute is holed up there and attack. The Wanderer intentionally throws the mission — maybe disobeys orders, maybe downs a vertibird or collapses a subway tunnel, or maybe even attacks their brothers to protect the synths.

And, well-

Either they were killed, or they escaped court martial and execution by a hair’s breadth and fled the Capital, leaving Deacon to believe Maxson had them killed.

There you have it. That’s why they aren’t in Brotherhood dialogue or records. Their accomplishments couldn’t be recognized because they’re a traitor. And that’s why it’s personal for Deacon.

Was thinking about Deacon yesterday and became possessed by a spectre or perhaps some kind of demon that compelled me to draw this.

This is technically a WIP, I intend to eventually finish the background and colour it properly but I like this version too

And the Devil, himself did in fact take him away

Hes so gender to me

Deacon head canons from my old blog be upon ye!

The UP Deathclaws were never real...the L&L gang is though

“He’s sharp as a whip, feisty in the field and extraordinarily cautious with his actions and even more careful with his words”

Deacon’s favorite color is green, hazel green

If he had a character theme it would be Deacon Waltz by Christian Sedelmyer and Jerry Douglas (The name’s just a coincidence)

A very very light sleeper, before Wanderer he would only sleep for around 3 hours peppered throughout the day

It always takes him an hour to fall asleep, even after he & Wanderer start ‘their you sleep and I’ll watch over you’ deal

He’s not religious, but he still prays

Before Wanderer he’d have, what my old therapist calls, micro-bursts of stage three sleep without realizing it (REM sleep) people can do this while looking and cting completely awake, which is why Carrington doesn’t take him serious in meetings... he looked like he’s not paying attention but nada, the man’s brain was just shutting down a little bit

Because of the lack of sleep he got for so long, Deacon disassociates between himself & his body constantly. At times careless with himself...cracking jokes & laughing in dangerous situations... his brain was teetering the line between being asleep and awake so often he couldn’t tell the difference. (sleep deprivation makes you feel unstoppable...cocky even)

Another thing he lost as a result of Wanderer was being able to sleep standing up, because his body doesn’t need to take over for his mind anymore

Smells faintly of cigarette smoke (mainly because of Dez) and basil and something else that can’t really be placed

He fell in love with a school teacher once, she was the one that taught him how to read

Can write/read French but oh god pronounces every letter like how they sound in English... so he sticks to writing messages to himself that most people think are ramblings of a child when/if found

October is his favorite month... June makes him ache

If he’s not at Wanderer’s side or on his own op, he’ll be at the Church... but after Tea Party? He settles on the couch in Wanderer and Shaun’s home until she convinces him to just move in, they’ve slept in the same room for so long at this point but he can’t fathom having a home again. It’s a hard adjustment

If you look of the definition of a ginger you’d find a picture of him at age 14, the freckles keep coming back no matter how many times he gets them removed

You know how you can catch him spying on you in the settlements? Yeah, he wanted you to see him... but not near 111 or a few other places

He’s the person in the Third Rail that points Wanderer to MacCready before they meet, he can’t have her traveling alone like that when she still so green to the world

In codes, D is for Desdemona and d is for Deacon

If not written, agents that are high enough to know their names say Big D and Little D (Dez hates it but he thinks it’s cute, if not clever)

He tenses ever so slightly when he hears the name John/Johnathan

Holds tension in his jaw like no one else, it’s a wonder his teeth haven’t shattered

Hates the taste of coffee but constantly drinks it

Was a hell of a swing dancer in his youth, now he likes slow dancing though that wasn’t discovered until Wanderer showed up

He’s 37 at the youngest and 45 at the oldest

When he left the gang at 19, they shattered every bone in his left hand & wrist, it aches when it rains

Hides his eyes because they were her favorite part of him, the one thing he can’t change ironically, also the sleep thing. He can’t let people know how tired he is all the time

He was born in Rivet City and his mother was a hairdresser, father a drunkard of a city security officer

His ma taught him how to French braid hair

His last name is Deacon. Baby Shaun is the only one who knows that though... Shaun said “Hey Mr. Deacon” & he said “Hey Mr. Hale” (Wanderer’s last name) & Shaun being the clever kiddo he is, cocked his head to the side connecting some dots cause if his first name was Deacon why would he respond with Shaun’s last one?)

Absolutely fascinated with the old world, collects information and fun facts about that time forgotten which Wanderer feeds into

His favorite thing Wanderer tells him about/teaches him is the proper pronunciation of some words and how to spell others

The man has always had a temper, got it from his dad, he works very hard to keep it under control (I can think of a few pieces of dialogue where he’s talking through gritted teeth, anger threatening to boil over)

At first, he was only by Wanderer’s side so nobody could pull her away from the Railroad - he knows what a game changer she is... but they work so well together and she plays along with his tall tales so often that after a while he forgot about the first part

A terrifyingly good shot, better than MacCready and he’s doing it with sunglasses on

He 100% is John D, the terminal entry where Pinky(?) says a runner was the sole survivor and then immediately tried to get people to go back for documents?? A classic Deacon move

Only smokes in HQ (I’ve actually only seen his idle animation of that in the church and at Mercer) unless he’s in a role or somewhere where Wanderer is comfortable... or is extremely stressed out

He hates Hancock, well not hate- but he’s not on the Christmas card list

Deacon knew Shaun was taken 60 years before Wanderer woke up. He knew and he didn’t tell her and it is the secret he hopes she never finds out

Dee’s gotta special soft spot for Tinker Tom, loves him like a crazy brother

His sniper rifle is named Church Bell, lovingly crafted by Tinker

Not sure how he feels about gen 1’s and 2’s, especially after knowing Nicky V but... if he’s gotta do it

Exclusively refers to Nick Valentine as Nicky V

He knows Preston Garvey has a fat ass crush on Wanderer but has neglected to tell her this little fun fact

Tries to shave his head nearly every morning, when he’s with Wanderer he does so when it’s his turn on watch and she’s asleep

The Railroad is his family, they mean so much but of course he’s always kept everyone distant after what happened with Agamemnon

Deacon has been with the railroad between 14 and 20 years

He genuinely doesn’t like Carrington but he’s not going to avoid going to him if he’s hurt of course

His hands are always warm, which is great cause Wand’s are always cold (being frozen for 210 years will do that to a gal)

Do I need to go into the heights thing??? He hates tagging along to set up MILAs but he’ll be damned if he lets his best friend fall off a roof again

He picked the name; Wanderer (don’t get me started on Project Wanderer and Dez’s “it seems fitting” I’ll rant for so long guys)

Doesn’t like sweet foods but fancy lads is a whole other topic

Open spaces stress him out, too much he can’t see

Non-binary but uses he/him pronouns

Doesn’t drink more than a beer or two, but has an unsettling high tolerance

He won’t ever instigate a relationship beyond what he and Wanderer have, as his va Ryan Alosio put it in an interview, his heart’s been absolutely shattered and he can’t stand the thought of being the cause of someone he loves getting hurt because of him again. He loves her but he can’t

Before he got surgery for the first time, he looked like Ryan (the devs actually tweaked his design to resemble him) his original face looks close to what he has now, not that he remembers what that face looked like

Deacon would fall for sole first but would never actually admit it, I mean of course he would fall for sole, how could he not? They embody everything he stands for, they rose from the ground frozen and broken and still fought for him when he didn't think he deserved it

It would eat him up inside, the constant fear that something would happen to sole. The thought that if he was to tell them how he felt, it would be more real and easier to take away.

Sole would have to act first, and only after years of being around each other so that deacon could accept that nothing would be able to remove them from his life without a fight

so, i just hit max approval with deacon again, and maybe it’s just because i know more about deacon and that i’ve explored the world more now, but i think i might actually believe the story less.

(spoilers below, obviously!)

the first time i did it, i only went through one tree of the conversation – i was hesitant to believe him, and ultimately told him it was a lot to process. i didn’t ultimately support him and deacon took that fine.

the other dialogue branches are interesting, especially if you insist it’s a lie throughout and ultimately condemn him. you still get the perk, the relationship still maxes out, but man, deacon shows way more emotion when you condemn him than perhaps you ever hear him otherwise. (i also strongly agree with the analysis here.)

particularly worth mentioning is this:

SS: The Railroad let you in? Even though you were in the Deathclaws?

Deacon: So many years had passed I don’t think anyone, well except for the Claws, knew that. All they knew is someone fought back.

there are a lot of things about deacon’s past that are … well, murky at best. could he have been involved with a violent gang at university point? i keep going back and forth on this, and it’s all because of the huge unmarked quest at university point.

the unmarked quest takes place entirely through terminal entries and recordings, and is dated 2285 – which, according to pam’s terminal is long after deacon was part of the railroad (at least 2273, but i believe he’s johnny d, so that’d be 2266). when you take him to UP, he mentions offhandedly that mass state used to be a big player in the commonwealth, but that that was a long time ago, and the way he says it implies personal knowledge. paranoia against synths has reached a fever pitch in 2287, when the game takes place, but how bad was it in those days? we don’t know.

(in the unmarked quest, it seems that UP has a decently sized community, enough to have a mayor and council meetings, but since it’s all after the fact we can only guess at how large the settlement actually was. there are ruins, though. side note: highly recommend the quest, it’s one of the best parts of the game.)

so– yeah, there are hints that his story is true. and yet… and yet…

i dunno. the thing about deacon is that it’s so easy to go back and forth with him. you can read his story as an allegory, a story he’s telling for a purpose. or, you can take it at face value, and accept that for the first time in what is probably a very long time, deacon is opening up and letting someone else see his past.

i suppose what i get stuck on is the why. why you? why should he finally tell this truth to the sole survivor, if he hasn’t told anyone else? (the answer tends to be “because you’re the player character,” and that’s not an answer that sits well with me. i suppose that’s part of why it keeps making me lean away from it.)

but then, that’s the problem when you establish a character as a liar. how can you tell when they’re crying wolf?

We need to talk about Deacon

We need to talk more about the Railroad in general, but I’m going to focus on Deacon here. First, some Railroad background:

So, P.A.M’s terminal has entries from the last three Railroad leaders, including Desdemona, that briefly document the challenges and changes the organisation has been through over the last two decades. This includes the creation and implementation of the dead drop system that is in use currently, the Institute destroying their previous Headquarters (three times!), and the discovery that synths were suddenly being programmed to head towards Diamond City and the subsequent discovery of PATRIOT.

-The first entry is from the new leader, Wyatt, in 2266. It is written after the Institute found their Headquarters, and names a runner, John.D, as the only survivor of the massacre that killed off their entire leadership.

-John. D’s role is explained more in the next entry, 2267: “John D has been finding tourists at a pretty good clip. But he keeps their identities to himself. Operational security he calls it.”

-In the 2268 entry the Institute is attacking the Railroad again “They found one of our safehouses, but no one there knew where our HQ is. John D developed a dead drop system we’ve been using.” John D seems to have made contributions to the structure of the Railroad as we currently know it. This is the last time he is mentioned.

-In 2273 the new leader, Pinky, begins making terminal entries after Coursers once again found HQ and killed Wyatt. “Deacon (that’s what he’s calling himself now) had an escape route planned, and most of the survivors owe him their life.” The first mention of Deacon.

-Desdemona is elected as the new leader in 2277.

-In 2281 they find the Switchboard, and P.A.M. An Institute synth managed to find and infiltrate one of their safehouses, but Deacon caught her before PAM did. PAM. The robot specifically designed to predict and calculate possibilities.

-PAM is stated to be working even harder to find the Institute in 2284. “Deacon’s convinced the solution lies in the past, not future. Deacon already knows the big secret - we know nothing about the Railroad before Wyatt was in charge (or is Deacon Johnny D??). Deacon’s been digging into Institute sightings from years, even decades before. Or at least that’s what he says. Getting real tired of his lies.” Even Desdemona doesn’t get the full breadth of information that Deacon works with.

-In 2286, the year before the Sole Survivor leaves Vault 111, Deacon is barely seen at HQ. Since his role in the Railroad is to spy and gather intel, he must have been away a lot for Desdemona to note his absence in the logs. He was apparently “chasing ghosts.”

-In 2287 Desdemona states that Deacon is working on a secret project (a continuation of what he was doing the year before?) She refers to it’s code name Wanderer “Deacon has a wild theory, and an even wilder plan (Tea Party). I agree there’s something strange there, but I’m with holding judgement.”

A lot of things to look at. And some of these had me wondering what the hell I was supposed to make of them for a good long while. But I’ve come up with some things~

I think it’s very likely that Deacon was John.D - Deacon possibly being his last name. Maybe. There are several notable Railroad members whose admittance is noted in terminal entries - Deacon’s isn’t. The first mention of him is of someone changing their name to Deacon after the second time the Institute found HQ. Neither John D’s exit or entry into the Railroad is documented; if Desdemona suspects that Deacon might be John D, then it’s fair to say that his death or disappearance isn’t documented at all. In 2275 Deacon is referred to as ‘face-changing’, but John D never was. This could mean that he only started changing his face after becoming Deacon, after the second mentioned attack by the Institute on their HQ.

It isn’t mentioned when the rail signs were created or who thought them up, but I’m willing to bet it was Deacon. Deacon is the one that we are introduced to all of the secrets of the Railroad through; even though there’s a chart of rail signs at HQ and Glory or Desdemona or even Tom could have explained them to us. But no, it’s Deacon. He is the one that explains all these precautions that they take; talks them up, gives approval when the player plays along and uses code words. In fact, aside from tourists, he seems to be the only person that regularly employs all of the tactics. And they’re all effective: it seems that the only way the Railroad can be destroyed is through player action. It’s entirely possible that the reason they seem to be so effective and well-implemented is because Deacon is the one who created them after his experiences. He is the only survivor from the Railroad that existed 20 years ago, he knows much more than others and, as Desdemona says, rarely gives information to the rest of the group. 

Because he knows the risk of information being spread among too many people - the terminal entry for 2266 names members in a safehouse knowing HQ’s location as the reason for it’s destruction by the Institute. Each new leader of the Railroad notes that their predecessor messed up in some way, which led to their death. “I think where Agamemnon went wrong, is that HQ was known by too many people. I’m theorizing here, but once the Institute hit a safehouse and leaned on anyone the HQ would be easy to find.” “I figure you should know how we messed up… if one safehouse goes down assume that all Hell’s coming for your ass, because it probably is.”

He lies so much because he has seen what being under-cautious will get people, he’s seen three HQs destroyed and seen what led to their destruction - he has taken it upon himself to do everything he can to make sure that doesn’t happen again. Even if it means he’s the resident liar, even if it means he has to be someone he doesn’t like. Lying is instinctual to him, it has to be. He is dedicated.

At one point he attempts to lie to the player and tell them that he’s actually the leader of the Railroad and, honestly, I think this might actually be the most truthful thing he’s ever said. He might not be the one making the big decisions, but it seems that he’s heavily involved or influenced them all in some way. _______________ As noticed by many people, Deacon will keep track of the player and appear in certain locations in disguise before they meet the Railroad. Diamond City, Goodneighbour, Memory Den, Bunker Hill. He can even admit that he’s been following the PC through speech checks.

And also I found this

(I couldn’t take a screenshot so I hunted this down)

This is overlooking Vault 111, with a very clear view of the platform, from a perfectly concealed position. It’s location is near the edge of the map, quite out of the way and unlikely to be found by most people.

What the shit does this mean? Let’s explore what we know.

PAM states that the SS was not predicted by her - not predicted to appear, or their involvement was not predicted? - But PAM is not infallible, she has been proven wrong before, she was ‘out-predicted’ by Deacon and she also didn’t predict the Brotherhood finding their HQ.

The Railroad also apparently didn’t view Vault 111 as important; they thought it was destroyed (I haven’t seen this dialogue myself and I can’t find a source so if anyone can point me to one that would be appreciated). It’s odd that, with Vault 111 being the last unopened Vault in the Commonwealth, there aren’t more signs of attempted break-ins - because all Wastelanders know that, if anything, vaults will contain valuable supplies and tech, so it should be a target. But the signs point to the Railroad not viewing it as important. So why is there a small shelter with the rail sign for ‘ally’ overlooking it?

I thought it could be nothing, just a little easter egg for people who go to the edges of the maps - until I remembered that there is a Regional Vault-tec HQ in the city. There is a terminal inside, that isn’t password locked, that states that Vault 111 was to have hundreds of gallons of liquid nitrogen delivered to it, and a note wondering what it would be used for.

The information is out there in the open, easily accessible by anyone who would think to go to the Vault-tec HQ and would be able to put the pieces together. Deacon often jokes around and tries to not put too much emphasis on his abilities, but it’s clear from the above analysis that he is one of the main reasons the Railroad has been able to continue - he’s smart. Very smart, and good with information and drawing conclusions. So, he could have used this completely offhand bit of information and conclude that Vault 111 was using cryogenics in some capacity, and that there’s the chance that there would be people still in the vault.

(Further analysis of the railsign by the vault over here)

But this can go deeper- Deacon knew that there would be someone in there. In the 2284 entry Deacon is looking into sightings of the Institute from “years, even decades before” and in 2286 he is “chasing ghosts”. Remember that Kellogg and the Institute entered the vault 60 years prior - and while the Institute is incredibly enigmatic, they aren’t completely unknown if there are recorded sightings or energy readings that Deacon has access to. Vault 111 was opened 60 years ago “sightings from years, even decades before” and Kellogg hasn’t been heard of for several years “chasing ghosts”.

So, there’s now the possibility that

the Institute was documented near Vault 111 60 years ago

Deacon found this out while working to figure out where they are located

since he’s regularly in the field he would have ample opportunity to look through Vault-tec HQ for any information on the vault

and since the vault was closed up again he concluded that there’s likely someone still in there.

This is Deacon acting independently; he was waiting for the vault to open up again. Actually, he could have even concluded that since it was the Institute that opened the vault the first time, and the Institute is never involved in anything good, the person(s) left inside might be interested in working with them, as opposing the Institute is one of their main goals. This is why he follows the player.

“Deacon has a wild theory, and an even wilder plan (Tea Party). I agree there’s something strange there, but I’m with holding judgement.“

(Some thoughts about the meaning of ‘Tea Party’ over here)

Desdemona knows, but she’s being cautious. But the rest of the Railroad is in the dark; they don’t consider Vault 111 at all. Because that’s how Deacon operates. He has been withholding information since he was John D, and he’s only done it more frequently as the years went on. He knows better than anyone the importance of compartmentalizing information and the possibility of infiltration in the Railroad.

I will say here that I’ve been torn over whether or not his last story is a lie. And after writing this I’m leaning more towards it being a lie- which might be disappointing to people used to the idea of being able to change a character (or at least how they view the PC) at the end of a relationship, but I personally don’t find it so. Deacon’s entire character is built around the fact that he lies, that he has to lie. All of his previous conversations involve him lying right to your face, it’s not exactly subtle that lying comes to Deacon as easily as breathing.

Whether or not he keeps information and plans from the Railroad because he doesn’t trust all of them or because he knows how dangerous the Institute is (or maybe both), he has known them for a while, cares a great deal about them, and even refers to them as family. And he likely even feels a sense of responsibility in making sure the organisation survives, being the only original member from before their decline. But they know next to nothing about him.

I guess it could be interpreted that Deacon feels a kinship with the SS, thus leading to the revelation of his past … but I don’t believe so. It doesn’t fit with what we know about him. There’s also the possibility that the SS is working with other factions, and since Deacon follows them in disguise he would be aware of this. And is it just a coincidence that, while John D is never mentioned as changing his face, both Deacon and his face-changing only appear after the second assault on HQ? If the original interpretation of his final conversation is that he changes his face because of what he did to Synths and what happened to his wife, shouldn’t John D be mentioned to also change his face? It’s only after he survived a second attack that he becomes Deacon and seems to start doing it. “Deacon (that’s what he’s calling himself now) had an escape route planned, and most of the survivors owe him their life.”

What I’m trying to say with all this is: why should Deacon believe that the SS cares about the Railroad and is as dedicated to it as he is?

I don’t believe it takes anything from his character or the friendship the SS can have with him. If anything it presents a more interesting example of a character utterly devoted to their work, and the drawbacks that come with that devotion.

One last thing: Desdemona knows that Deacon is working on a secret project, which is code named Wanderer. When you join the Railroad you have to choose a code name; there are several options- Whisper, Fixer, Charmer … but there’s a hidden name that Desdemona will give you if you refuse one. A name that she thinks fits you best - Wanderer.

I’ve seen complaints that, in addition to not being a romance option (and therefore not as complete as characters that are for some reason??), Deacon has very little story, with most of his content being disposable lies. I have always disagreed - and this just furthers my stance. He is likely to be one of the most interesting and well thought out characters in the whole game.

_______

This post ended up taking a lot longer than I thought it would, and I haven’t really had a chance to look into much meta or analysis of Fallout 4 and god, I’ve missed it ~~

But this is done. And I’m going to be looking at other aspects of the game and getting the other huge post I’ve been working on finally finished. As always, any feedback is welcome - thank you for reading !

Edit: This has turned into a series of meta on Deacon, which I am using this tag for.

Day 18 -- Deacon

The (nsfw) details for Kinktober, Day 18 are just below the cut!

Minors, please don't interact.

Voyeurism with Deacon x g/n! Sole

Whoops, big surprise, this got angsty. Sorry Deeks! I just can't help it with this man, I don't know why 😅 but hopefully y'all still enjoy it regardless!

Here is the link to my Kinktober 2022 Event list so you can stay up-to-date, or re-visit these works as you please.

Included: Voyeurism, (non-consensual voyeurism), masturbation, angst, wishful thinking, pining.

1.6k words.

--

Yeah. This is cute. 

Deacon’s mind said to him dryly. 

This is a healthy response to this situation. This isn’t weird. Sole will understand. They’ll get it. 

The spy shook his head, eyes closed tight as his brain spewed unwanted words of restraint, of undesired and unneeded common sense. 

What the hell is sensible about any part of this situation? We’re in an abandoned ice cream shop that Sole used to visit on weekends before giant bombs blew everything to hell, and they took a nap for 200 years. We’re surrounded by packs of super mutants on one side, and raiders on the other, and I’m biting into the back of my hand to keep quiet as they moan through the fabric of their shirt on the other side of this thin, crumbling concrete wall. Nothing about this situation is even remotely expectable. 

He could hardly fucking stand it. 

You’re both doing the same damn thing, if you’d just talk to them about it, maybe, the two of you could finally–

Deacon hissed through his teeth, his uncomfortably dry hand stroking too harshly over his erection as the frustration built up in both his mind and body. 

This isn’t the same. Another side of his mind refuted. I’m over here, pining the skin off my cock for them, while they’re undoubtedly thinking about their late spouse-- Or… anyone else, even. --at the feel of their own hand.

He didn’t know.  

I should be thinking of Barbara. Or of someone– anyone, but them. Right along with them.

They’re the only fucking friend I’ve got. I’ve had, in… what? A decade? Maybe more? I can’t count right now. 

Deacon’s head fell back against the wall, a grimace coating his expression, even as his blue eyes hazed over with climbing bliss. 

I can’t lose them over… what? Wanting to engage in a little hanky panky with them? Wanting what? A close connection? Intimacy? Vulnerability? When– in what universe would that ever happen? 

We both know I could never have anything like that again. 

A deep breath escaped him, throaty and louder than he would’ve liked as his thumb grazed over his slit, collecting some of his slick pre-cum and stroking it over his length as the only way to ease the friction of his rough hand. 

A noise sounded through the thin wall behind him, and Deacon ceased his movements., holding his breath. 

Shit. Did they just hear me?

Just as he was contemplating trying to zip his jeans up over her cock, to hide the evidence; just as some half-assed story was forming on his lips about why he was sitting back here against the wall, rather than out where he should be, out on watch, another sound interrupted his train of thought. 

He felt his cock throb at the sound, as he heard Sole’s moan fill the air around him. A gasp followed shortly after, and then a bit of silence, but Deacon could still feel them there, somehow, he could feel Sole’s lingering presence just on the other side, and he knew they were just worried. Worried that someone would hear what they were doing. Worried like he was. 

What am I doing? Deacon asked himself for the upteenth time that night, and so many nights before now. 

This is wrong. It’s gross, and it’s wrong, and it’s not fair, for you to hear them like this without earning it, without them knowing. It’s wrong to be out here doing this in response to it. 

Deacon’s hand stilled on his cock, refusing to stroke himself, but gripping tight enough to hurt as his mind flooded with thoughts like these. He wasn’t unused to self-loathing, nah, he and that go waaaaay back, but this? This seemed low. Even for the likes of him.

Sole wasn’t some stranger in a pub, not some escort or one-night-stander, not someone he didn’t know on the other side of a hotel room, who just happens to be engaging in the same fun little activity as him. No, Sole was the reason for this… activity. They were in his thoughts, always, even when they weren’t in front of him, or by his side, on the days he went out on his own, they were still there. 

And he fucking hated it. 

That they were reduced to this. 

They’re his best friend, his partner, the reason his smiles aren’t so forced, the reason he feels he might still, after all this time, all these years, have the capacity to love someone when he thought that had all died long ago. 

His body jolted as another breathy sound left his partner from the other side of the wall, and his eyes rolled back in his head. 

Goddamn, if I could see what they look like when they make that sound. 

With that very image coming unbidden to his mind, Deacon’s hand unwittingly was back to stroking over his cock. He worked himself slowly, savoring the feeling, allowing his mind to wander to the possibility of him being the one to make them sound like that, to make them look as he imagined they would. Their gorgeous eyes rolled back in their head, their lips spread as they moaned his name, their skin glistening, their hair wild. Their skin would be flushed, eyes hazy as they blinked them open to steal a glance at him as he ravished their body, as he used his silver tongue to work towards a goal more worthwhile than any other. As he did as they deserved, as he worshiped them like he were one of the deacons of the old world and they were his God, shepherding their release like all the poor sinners those men would bring to the light. 

Sole’s gasps were leaving them more rapidly now, building to a crescendo that Deacon would give all that he had left to be a part of. Hell, he’d throw his choice shades off the top of trinity tower to be the one to bring about their thunderous release. 

But he was doomed to be a bystander. Invisible, as he always was, as he heard them groan out from the other side of the wall. A thud sounded against the concrete as he imagined their head falling back at the overwhelming feeling of their release. 

It was the sound that got him.

Deacon hadn’t thought he was close, he’d been so caught up in his own fantasy, all of his tormenting thoughts, he couldn’t feel his body’s signs, and now, he was caught completely off-guard. The spy bit hard into his wrist as a low grunt escaped him against his will, his light eyes prickling with tears of pleasure as he finally felt that pressure release within him.

His seed sprayed down onto the dirt, leaving him in enthusiastic spurts that had his hips writhing and his head knocking against that same wall Sole was surely collapsed against. 

The next battle came in the form of his breath, as Deacon pulled his hand away, he realized how fucking loud he was still being, even as the last white rope of his cum was emptied onto the floor. He released himself, forcing his mind to rally, to focus on easing his breath, as his cock softened where it laid over the lip of his boxers. 

“Fuck me.” He whispered, eyes closed tight as the guilt all came swirling back into his mind with a vengence. 

Again? I just did this again? One of these days, you know–

“Deacon?” 

His eyes shot open as Sole’s voice carried from the other side of the wall. 

“I-is that you?” They asked, uncertain, their voice almost shaking. 

Every thought entered his mind at a million miles a minute, swirling together in a confused traffic jam of ‘what do I say’s?’ and ‘what the hell do I do’s?’. 

“Ahh,” The sound escaped his throat, as a way of aiding his thoughts, but he hadn’t meant for it to be verbal goddamn it. 

“Ahem, uh, yeah. Deeks here.” He bit his tongue, tasting metal from the pressure. 

Sole’s silence scared him more than their call of his name had. 

“How, uh, how’s it hanging?” 

Oh my god. One part of his mind panicked, while the other tried to grasp onto some form of sanity, of common sense. But that part of his mind, he didn’t know what it was, but it always seemed it’s hands were wet, or that common sense was made of ice and sanity was liquid water, always managing to slip frustratingly from his hold.

There’s no god out there that can save you, you buffoon. Nothing can. That was it. You finally did it. Finally managed to get caught. 

He almost told his thoughts to ‘shut up’ out loud, but thought better of it at the last moment. That likely wouldn’t go over well with Sole. Especially after they hadn’t said a damn thing. 

“You heard me, huh.” 

The blood drained from his face. It wasn’t a question from their end, but worse than their certainty was the shame that he heard drip from every word. 

“That… uh, that I did. Yeah.” 

If he was gonna be the creepy asshole sitting out here while they did their personal business, he at least could own up to it. Deacon may be a liar, but Sole, Sole wasn’t dumb. They’d know he was lying, and that would make it even worse. 

“But, um…” He closed his eyes, taking a breath. “But you heard me too, so, you know. Guess we’re, uh, even. Right?” 

“Yeah…” They said quietly, almost too quietly to hear with the wall in the way. Deacon didn’t have time to try to make what repairs he could before they were speaking again, this time louder than before. 

“I won’t tell you about it, if you won’t tell me.” A light humor touched their voice. 

Deacon let out a dry laugh, his chest aching for a reason he refused to acknowledge. 

“Won’t tell you about what?” He said back, hoping they couldn’t hear the strain in his voice, the strain to sound humorous and light in return. 

He heard their laugh from the other side, a lovely sound that tugged at the sides of his mouth, despite the lingering throb in his chest. 

“Yeah, exactly. Good talk, partner.” 

“Yeah.” He whispered, his brows creased beneath his shades. “Partner.”

Payne recruits baby Deacon to the UP Deathclaws >:)

When you just want to stay for a moment and enjoy the view…and then he comes :D

Rummaging thru the Railroad's old intel, SS Bullseye finds... an old foto?!

I’M DEEKPOSTING AGAIN, RAILROADIES

Deacon’s relationship with children(/his own lack thereof) is one of the most fascinating and understated pieces of character development in Fallout 4. I’m maybe too hg&:ghlkd@ to create a unified narrative here, so I’m just gonna make a list of details from the game and let you interpret from there.

Obviously he directly says that he and his wife were trying to conceive before she died. We don’t know whether it would ever have been possible, but, most likely, neither does Deacon.

He’s the only companion besides MacCready to love it if you share your grief at losing a child with Blake Abernathy. Also, as far as I can tell, he’s the only one to love it if you tell Miss Edna that children need love (and that love conquers all).

He seems to have some aversion to the subject of children, however, at least pre-war children. In the abandoned nursery he says, “When you’re done here, I’d like to leave,” in a very unDeaconlike tone. He also says he hates playgrounds.

Reaction to rads: “Great. I didn't need to have more children.” (Yeah okay you liar)

He has two different pieces of dialogue that make it sound like he would have been interested in being a teacher. “So teachers, all they did was teach, right? They didn't farm or run shops or run guns on the side? Wow.”/“If I wanted steady work I would've stayed a teacher.” (Yeah okay you liar)

There’s a very cute conversation where he gets intel from a little girl (possibly Meg?) who’s his informant. To all of our devastation, the man is great with kids. Considering that and his dialogue with Travis, I think he’d be an amazing dad.

He also seems to have a good relationship with Shaun. He pulled out his “actually I’m a synth” lie with Shaun, but knowing Deacon I’m guessing it’s to prepare him for the eventual realization that he’s a synth himself.

[idk when this dialogue triggers, possibly also in radiation] “If I keep tromping around here, guess there won’t be any little Deacons scurrying around in the future.” I really hope this isn’t a joke and he still has hope of being a father. He’s obviously not interested in the player character, but that doesn’t mean he’s ruled out remarriage. He’s been a Railroad agent for over fourteen years, so he probably feels like he’s running out of time.

Don’t let me in with no intention to keep me,

Jesus Christ.

Don’t be kind to me.

Honey don’t feed me,

I will come back.

More Honest Work For Bad Liars Deacon

The thing about Deacon, Danse, and Hancock that I find most relatable is the fact that they are surrounded by so many people they get along with, but yet don’t consider anyone a friend (except maybe Hancock) until Sole.

It’s like they put themselves out there by offering to be Sole’s companion with subconscious hope that it may lead to somewhere (although they may not be sure where or that’s why they are doing it). And then it pays off in the end.

(And they didn’t offer that to just anyone.)

companions react to sole crying when they raise their voice at them

AWW this one's sad

For clarity I'm going with the idea that the companions aren't yelling at Sole out of anger (like, a low affinity talk) but more like they're either scolding Sole over something minor ("you could have gotten hurt! Be careful!") or ranting out loud about something unrelated and Sole is very sensitive to that sort of thing!

Companions react: Sole crying when yelled at

Includes Cait, Codsworth, Curie, Deacon, Desdemona, Danse, Hancock, Haylen, Maccready, Nick, Piper, Preston, Rhys, X6-88

Cait

Uhh. Fuck.

Cait is probably Least Capable of dealing with a crying person

First instinct might be to use tough love because that's what she uses on herself and it works fine

Like "Oh come on suck it up, it wasn't even that bad"

Actually starts to feel bad after a few moments though and will change trajectory into something more gentle

Gladly lets Sole have alone time if they ask because she really needs a minute to try and think of what to say

If Sole comes back completely ignoring what happened she'll also ignore it, but if they continue to seem upset she'll make the first move and actually apologizes

Very awkward with it, every sentence is like she's testing the waters for Sole's reaction.

The apology IS genuine, though, and Sole can tell just by how awkward she is about it. She won't just brush it off if Sole won't brush it off.

Codsworth

IMMEDIATE GUILT

Poor Codsworth would do a complete 180 and start comforting Sole

Sort of has a hard time if they want to be alone to collect themself, he's worried they'll hate him forever (he has a bit of separation anxiety after being alone for 200 years)

Will note exactly what made Sole cry and will never talk about that topic with that voice again

Like if they cried because he was worried about them getting hurt every interaction like that afterwards will be "You NEED to take better care of - I mean, please take better care of yourself please"

Curie

If Curie is raising her voice at Sole she's probably scolding them for not taking care of their health

She wants them to take care of themself but she didn't mean to make them so guilty they cry!!

She'll immediately comfort them and apologize for being so strict

100% mom friend, will not stop apologizing and trying to make it up to them via food and comfort

Gives Sole a hug and a forehead kiss and tucks them into bed with a warm cup of soup. Maybe cries a little

Probably tries to stand up for them on their behalf in the future, like if someone yells at them she'll scold the person yelling for being mean

Deacon

Ah shit

Deacon prides himself on being able to stay calm during conflict and read the other persons facial expressions, it's his job after all

But anger always managed to get to him somehow, and it made him ignore the small signs that Sole was getting stressed out

He wasn't even upset at them, he was just having a bad day, but he knew he fucked up the second their face scrunched up and they looked away

They're crying. Sole is crying because of him

Might try to fix things by making jokes but if he realizes Sole is genuinely upset he'll probably end up leaving and giving Sole their space

He leaves them to cry for a while and comes back once they've calmed down so he can sincerely apologize

Tries to make Sole feel better for the next few days by pulling some strings

Their favorite animal is brahmin? What a coincidence, Des is telling us to go to a safe house with a huge brahmin farm! They really like Blamco Mac and Cheese? Deacon just found a HUGE stash behind HQ, we better eat it!

Desdemona

Just kinda. Freezes.

This never happened before?? And either she doesn't really know Sole that well (agents faces tend to get confusing since so many come and go) and doesn't know what to say, or they're like, the best agent in the Railroad and she's very worried that she managed to make them cry.

Tries to brush it off as smoothly as possible and excuses them somewhere private to calm down so at least they're not crying in front of everyone

If she's closer with Sole she'll actively search them out herself and apologize directly

If not she'll honestly probably go to Deacon or someone first being like "Are they pissed at me?? Should I apologize or do I pretend it didn't happen?"

Might take the silent approach of giving Sole less work/more support and makes the mental reminder not to yell at them

Danse

Listen, this man is used to reprimanding people. He can practically do it in his sleep

But when he hears Sole burst into tears? He immediately loses all train of thought

He's probably the type of person to go "... Are you crying?" because this has never really happened to him before

Super worried that he's pushed Sole too far, regrets even yelling at them in the first place

Doesn't really know what to do, ends up waiting for Sole to make the first move (explain themself, run away, etc)

If he isn't as close with Sole he'll probably hesitantly give them space - it's what he would want if he burst into tears

If they're close/romanced he'll default to trying to talk to them and calm them down

He is a bit awkward and tends to fumble a lot, so Sole may have to be direct with what they need from him (Space, comfort, apology, etc) but Danse will do basically anything to get them to calm down

Like a person who is very bad at dealing with a crying toddler: "no no don't cry... Here's some candy... and twenty bucks... we can get ice cream if you want just please stop crying"

Hancock

I imagine Hancock to be a pretty touchy guy, so if Sole started crying his go-to comfort is by hugging them or rubbing their arm/back

He has high energy and expresses himself loudly so he realizes that he can be overwhelming at times

He'll quiet down and focus on comforting them and getting them what they need

Absolute KING at respecting their space and autonomy

The only thing worse than crying is crying in public so he's bringing them to a quiet room and letting them cry it out distraction free. They make the tiniest action that seems like they don't want to be touched and he'll back off, no questions asked

Also a bit of the "poorly dealing with a crying toddler" person: "You want chems?? No? Candy?? Would it make you feel better if you punched me??"

Haylen

Very empathetic towards Sole, immediately switches to a "Oh, hey, come on, it's okay..." type of voice

She gets that the Brotherhood is overbearing and it can take a while to get used to being reprimanded/spoken to in such a harsh way

If she's spent a good amount of time around Sole she's probably pretty in tune with their emotional needs and can work with that

Sole won't even have to ask, she'll just show up with some hot chocolate and a blanket, or apologize, or pretend like it never happened, or any mixture of those

A little worried and overprotective of them for a while after, though, especially if she's already worried about their mental health

Might talk to them to try and see what's wrong or convince them to take a break

Maccready

Another member of the "Wait... are you crying?" group.

Panics, probably. Doesn't know what to do or what to say.

He'll end up apologizing to them either way

If he's close with Sole he's more likely to do so first and more quickly, if not he might wait to gauge Sole's reaction before talking to them

A little bit awkward but he's got the spirit, will probably try to understand what made them cry and what he can do to make sure it doesn't happen in the future

Will also do a sort of follow-up check in after the fact or if they're having a rough day some other time

Tries a lot to stay more in-tune with Sole's emotions and what makes them upset after this point so they don't end up crying again because of him

Nick Valentine

For Nick to raise his voice like that he'd probably have to be distracted in some way

Either thinking about his words and not his voice as he reprimands Sole or snapping about something unrelated that's on his mind

So he doesn't even realize Sole started crying until their tears manage to snap him out of his thoughts

He's the type to try and comfort them straight away by cautiously reaching in for a hug and apologizing

If Sole runs off or yells at him he takes it personally, getting upset at himself for making Sole so uncomfortable

He will eventually reach out to them and get them to talk about what's bothering them, even if it takes a while

He'll immediately step up and sincerely apologize, and then turn his focus onto Sole's mental health

He realizes Sole has A Lot going on and them crying was probably the result of many days/weeks/months of bottled up emotions

Piper

Sole crying stops her in her tracks and makes her re-think everything that's happened between them in the past 24 hours

Was it something she said?? Or something she did?? What did she do wrong!?

Depending on the situation will either try to explain herself ("I didn't mean it like that, no don't cry I was just joking I swear -") or immediately be worried for Sole and try to comfort them

Might take Sole needing alone time a bit personally, she'll end up worrying that they're REALLY mad at her

She feels like she's not the best at comforting people so she'll try to turn to acts of service/gifts to bring them comfort

Buying them their favorite food, carrying more of their items, giving them hugs, etc.

Preston

Almost confused at first

He's never had anyone shy away from him before - if anything people didn't take him seriously and tended to look down on him

So the fact that he managed to make Sole cry really made him reassess their entire conversation up to this point

Immediately apologizes and asks what's wrong because surely there has to be something else going on for them to cry like this, right?

If Sole doesn't give an explanation he'll default to assuming they're overtired and stressed from work

Probably ends up feeling guilty for every time he gave them more Minuteman-related work to do

Might end up in a bit of a self-deprecating spiral of "I pushed them too hard, now they're upset, it's all my fault, how the hell can I fix this..."

He'll really focus on being there for them, whatever they need.

Less work? He'll take on their load. Shoulder to cry on? He'll stay up all night for them. A warm hug? He won't let go until Sole lets go first.

Rhys

Laughs

Alright he's an asshole

Kind of goes on a power trip about it too

Like "Haha yes I made them cry. Because I am the strong alpha male of the group"

At some point might come to the conclusion, either through his own means or by Danse/Haylen calling him out, that he was being a little bit of an asshole

If he apologizes though it's extremely short and awkward.

Like "Hey. Uhh. Sorry for making you cry. Just don't do it again. It's weird." And never brings it up ever again

Alternatively, takes the "Older Brother When The Younger Brither Starts Crying" approach of "Don't tell Danse! I didn't even yell at you that much! You can punch me back so we're even just please stop crying dude Danse will hear you and he'll get mad at me"

X6-88

It stops him in his tracks

Part of him is freaking out because Oh God Someone Is Experiencing Emotions Around Me

And the other part of him is freaking out because He Made Sole Cry Uh-Oh

Will probably give Sole some space immediately and waits for them to calm down - he's never been good at dealing with emotional people

Once they're calm he'll revisit them with a peace offering of sorts, like a fancy lad snack cake or some tea or something

Very curt apology, hands them the gift, leaves a moment of silence as an opportunity for them to speak up about what made them cry if they want

Once that's over he'll just try and pretend it never happened while also keeping them safe from whatever else could trigger that

He'll try not to yell at them and actively avoid putting them in situations where they'll be yelled at again whenever possible

[Deacon Idolizes You]

➼ Word Count » 0.6k ➼ Warnings » None ➼ Summary » Headcanons based on how Deacon treats you once Idolized.

He might actually disappear for a minute after he opens up to you about Barbara. Having his whole past spread out on the table for you to see is incredibly uncomfortable for him and he's gonna need some time to get used to having all that open to you.

Sometimes you’ll just find him sleeping on your couch. If he needs to get away for a minute he’ll go crash at your place for a bit. He almost hopes that you’ll show up and so the two of you could talk or something. It always makes him feel so much better when you do.

He somehow got a hold of matching leather jackets for you both to wear and always does his best to incorporate them into his disguises.

Deacon will bring you pre-war board games and ask if you could teach him the rules because the instructions had been burned decades ago and he desperately wants to learn.

He's actually really interested in fashion and will gladly put together a great outfit for you whether you asked for it or not. He also just loves sitting in a room and brainstorming disguise ideas together.

He's really curious about a lot of things from before the war and you'll find that he likes to randomly drag you into different areas and ask you tons of questions. He's especially interested in cartoons and other forms of media and is constantly questioning why they existed or what they usually had on them

He's weirdly good at spas? Massages, and manicures, and all that. He'd give you one if you asked/felt comfortable enough.

He loves sneaking around Goodneighbor or Diamond City with you and watching any fights or drama that happens throughout the day. It reminds you of when you used to watch reality TV shows back before the war and he always has the best comments.

He likes doing graffiti with you on random buildings in the Commonwealth. He’s actually really good at art but refuses to utilize that talent, instead, he just draws stick figures everywhere.

The two of you spent a day disguised as the other to see how long you can get away with it. (it wasn't very long)

He’ll ask if it could be possible for the two of you to set up small safe houses in some of your settlements for any passing synths, although, he always ends up making them look like man caves than temporary homes.

He'll leave these random lanterns all over the place with little jokes or messages carved underneath them. He does this so that if he ever disappears for a minute, you can go look at those to remind yourself that he doesn't hate you, he just needs a bit of time.

Whenever you’re on a mission, he’ll give you both the worst codenames on purpose to annoy you.

He once tried to see what the most outrageous lie you both could pull off was. Needless to say, you both ended up getting in a lot of trouble with Dez because it was 'irrelevant to your mission’.

He's great when he's around, and still loves you when he leaves. In all seriousness, it's been so long since he's had a connection like this with someone, and is so incredibly grateful for you and all that you do for him. He'll show his appreciation in whatever way he can, just understand that you've got to be patient with him while he gets used to it all.

Mystery Swim ↠ Deacon x Reader

➼ Word Count » 0.5k ➼ Warnings » None ➼ Summary » You go swimming to find the Yangtze only for Deacon to start worrying about you getting sick from the water.

“I know I said you should go check it out but I didn’t actually mean it! God, you’re freezing!” Deacon frantically spoke, pulling you out of the ocean's cold grasp.

“Ha! That kid wasn’t lying! There’s a submarine out there!” You exclaimed, shuddering as the cold night air stung your glistening skin.

“Yeah, that’s great.” He said dismissively, “We gotta get you to Carrington before you die."

The old harbor docks creaked under your weight as you climbed out of the murky water. It clung to your clothes and you began ringing out puddles from the bottom of your shirt once you found yourself on stable ground again.

“A cold's not gonna kill me Deek.” You laughed, still excited at your discovery. It wasn't every day you found something so incredibly pre-war—especially since it still happened to work!

His hands gripped your shoulders potently, concern evident on his face, “You never know out here. And what about the radiation? Come on, we’re going back to the church.” He spoke quickly, spinning you around and pushing you onward toward the base to get you looked over.

"What's got you so worried?" You chuckled, opting to follow along with where he was guiding you to move. "I've been through worse."

"I know, It's just—I dunno, it feels like there was a lot at risk this time."

"What, were you scared I wasn't gonna resurface?" You meant it teasingly but you felt his hands subtly tense on your shoulders. Softer this time, you spoke, "Quit worrying so much about me, Deek, I know what the risks are."

"Yeah, yeah, I just—it took you a minute before you came back and—well—" He trailed off once the church was in sight, the small lantern that resided beside the doorway illuminating the space surrounding it, beckoning you toward the entrance. "Here we are." He breathed out, seemingly relieved at being able to see the familiar building.

“(Y/N) is fine, just a slightly lower temperature, but that’s to be expected,” Carrington announced, waving you off, desperately wanting the two of you to leave his corner.

You glanced up at your companion, who stood directly behind your chair, still fidgeting with his hands. "What'd I tell ya? I knew what I was doing."

“Yeah, whatever. Nothing wrong with being cautious.” He draped a tattered coat around your shoulders as he spoke.

“Are you sure it was just caution? It seemed to me like a little more.” You edged him on. Sure, Deacon was cautious, but you don't ever think you've seen him this worried about you before. It was endearing, to say the least.

He flicked the back of your head lightly, “That’s all it was. Now, tell me about that submarine you saw? Was there anyone still left inside? Wait a second, don't tell me—you saw a ghost, didn't you?"

You giggled at his sudden change, wrapping the sides of the jacket around your damp form as you told him all about what you saw. You'd dig deeper into Deacon's conscious later, for now just knowing how much he cares for you is enough.

Things in fo4 cannon I can't stop thinking about

The amount of scared tissue in Deacons face from all those face changes. Ouch

The fact that Maxson is only 20 and already a raging alcoholic

That Nick probably knew Hancock while he was growing up and that's why the two of them are so close

That Deacon is probably older than Hancock

that Pipers dad was probably apart of the minutemen

that Curie probably had ptsd and abandonment issues from being locked in vault 81 and watching everyone she ever cared about die

That Deacon might have a kid....

Prestons survivors guilt and how deeply traumatized he is

That though people like to give maccready shit for being dirty the man's canonically super allergic to dust so he's more likely to be a cluttered kind of messy than actually filthy

both Hancock and Preston canonically crush on sole but are to insecure to initiate it for their own different reasons

That Deacons been to capitol wastland and maybe even the Mojave or at least has deep knowledge on both

That the lone wanderer is technically apart of the railroad...

That Maccready met Butch Deloria at some point and has knowledge of the tunnel snakes

That the current BOS chapter looks down on the Lyons even though they were the best leaders in bos history....

If the sole survivor had died in the bombs instead of being cryogenicly frozen the railroad wouldn't exist because Shaun would have never been used to create Gen 3 synths, the bos would never have come to the commonwealth because there would be no strange energy readings, and the minutemen would have died in the raider attack at the museum of history

Caits backstory is probably one of the darkest and shes severely traumatized by her own past and uses drugs to escape it

That if he has max affinity with sole X6-88 doesn't seem to care all to much about the institute being destroyed

That though Danse may have a power armour fetish people tend to forget X6-88 also does....

That it was sole who introduced Mac to the mutfruit thing and not the other way around....

That Nick an Irma from the memory den definitely fucked at some point

that magnolia from goodneighbor and Sturges are both synths

That after defeating the institute Deacon quotes Plato and is highly educated on philosophy and literature in general

That Nick just had another detective coat lying around presumably waiting for a partner

Fallout companions react to sole telling that they don't want to even lose them and then breakingdown. I need all the angst!

God, me too. As much as I say I hate angst, I'm definitely a sucker for it! This idea, especially, is super exciting for me since I feel like the Fallout 4 companions have a lot of opportunity for angst (I play through Nick's personal quest just to cry at the ending) Anyways, I hope you enjoy this one and it was worth the wait!

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Companions React to Sole Breaking Down - TW: Mentions of Addiction and Suicide

(Includes: Cait, Codsworth, Curie, Danse, Deacon, Hancock, MacCready, Nick, Piper, Preston and X6-88)

Cait She isn't really sure what brought this on. Cait knows she isn't great at keeping herself safe or even having much concern for her own wellbeing, but she hadn't realised that upset Sole so much. Was it the chems? Maybe how she often charges head first into battle. Whatever it is, she admittedly feels guilty, not realising Sole cared so much about her. She isn't the best at comforting people, but she tries her best to make Sole feel better and reassure them that she isn't going anywhere. It may result in some awkward shoulder pats, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Codsworth It's probably not the first time that Codsworth has seen Sole break down. After all, he was the first living being they ran into after escaping the horrors of Vault 111. Still, this particular breakdown takes him by surprise, he didn't know he mattered that much to Sole. He's probably the best at comforting Sole, considering he knows them so well. Later on, he'll likely bring up how touched he is to know that he's important to Sole and promises he'll stand by them.

Curie She's extremely apologetic when she realises Sole's breaking down, at first thinking she'd done something wrong, before they explain that they can't stand to lose her. She understands where Sole is coming from, they're the most important person in her life and she doesn't want to begin to think what things would be like without them. She apologises if she ever scared them and reassures them that she's much more formidable than she seems

Paladin Danse He immediately panics when Sole starts to break down. Being in the Brotherhood, he's never known how to deal with his own emotions, let alone the emotions of someone else. He'll try his best to comfort Sole, but he definitely won't succeed. If he's still in the Brotherhood and him and Sole aren't extremely close - or romantically involved - he'll only insist that, due to his training, he's confident nothing bad will happen to him. However, if they're closer, Danse will go out of his way to make sure Sole knows they won't ever lose them, he loves Sole and he'd keep surviving so long as it made them happy.

Deacon He has no idea how to react at first. Sure, he'd been travelling with Sole for a while now, but he figured it was just out of convenience, since he was showing them the ropes in the Railroad. He'd figured his lying would've annoyed them by now and yeah, they were close, but he didn't know he mattered this much to them. He wants to crack a joke, but even he knows it's bad timing. Instead - because he understands how devastating loss can be, and he knows what Sole's been through - he actually does his best to comfort them, which he's actually good at, much to both his and Sole's surprise.

Hancock Like Cait, he initially thinks it's down to his reckless behaviour when it comes to chems and almost immediately promises you that he knows not to overdo it and if chems were going to kill them, they would've by now. He assures Sole that so long as he has them by his side, there's no way he plans on dying early, even though life hasn't exactly been kind to him in the past. Sole gives him a reason to keep going and he'd rather not ruin that.

MacCready Similarly to Deacon, he understands - maybe better than anyone - just how hard losing the person you love can be. The death of Lucy still haunts him, in spite of how much he cares for Sole, so he feels terrible that they share concerns he once had to suffer the aftermath of. He promises them over and over that they'll never lose him, no matter what happens. He even goes the extra mile and makes sure to be careful when they're outside the walls of a settlement, just to give Sole some peace of mind.

Nick Valentine He's better at comforting Sole than most, he knows a lot about their past and how they ended up in the Commonwealth, widowed and searching for their child. Besides, he's used to dealing with people breaking down in front of him - albeit, it's a little different since Sole means a lot to him. He knows he and Sole have grown close, so he understands completely why they'd be worried about losing another loved one. Nick will jokingly point out that if he's survived this long with only a few - a lot of - bumps and scratches, they have nothing to worry about. If Sole brings up their concerns again, he'll be more than happy to reassure them further.

Piper Wright She understands that with her line of work, she's a lot more likely to meet an untimely demise, but who doesn't die young these days? She's surprised she's made it this far with the amount of attempts on her life. She can stand seeing Sole cry though and instantly wraps them in a hug, telling them that as long as she's got them by her side, she'll be fine. Piper trusts Sole completely to protect her, just as she'd protect them. It breaks her heart to see them so torn up though and she almost feels guilty, deciding she'll find a way to make it up to them soon, even if she hasn't necessarily done anything wrong.

Preston Garvey As someone who often struggles with seeing the meaning in his own life, Preston is completely taken aback by Sole's worry towards his wellbeing. He instantly feels terrible for having any thoughts about taking his own life and apologises profusely to Sole, insisting that nothing bad will ever happen to them. He hasn't had an easy time recently, but having Sole by his side has helped more than he could've ever imagined and if they care about him enough to want him to keep fighting, then he will, without question.

X6-88 To nobody's surprise, X6 doesn't really know what to say or do. He simply clarifies that coursers were designed to be near enough formidable, so the likelihood of anything happening to him is extremely low. He does show some genuine concern, by asking if Sole would benefit from speaking to someone professionally, it's not enough to comfort Sole, but he's trying his best.

Fo4 Companions and their Love Languages

Words of Affirmation

- Curie was locked in her cage for god knows how long, and really just wants to impress you. So when you say nice things to her, she gets all giddy.

- Deacon doesn’t like getting close to people, but he really enjoys your company. So when you tell him how you appreciate him, it really hits home.

- Hancock is like, lonely. Bless him, he doesn’t really have a lot of people around him, other than his citizens. It’s just nice to hear appreciation from someone who truly cares.

Acts of Service

- Cait doesn’t feel that she deserves good people in her life. So doing things to help her, no matter how small, she appreciates so deeply.

- Codsworth was literally built to please.

- Preston A SETTLEMENT NEEDS YOUR HELP-

Gift-Giving

- Maccredy grew up really poor, so any time he receives gifts, he’s a very happy bunny rabbit. Literally healing his inner child.

- Strong like shinny thing.

- Gage, much like Maccready, grew up with nothing, so he likes to receive gifts. It’s also how he shows his appreciation and love.

Quality Time

- Nick feels comfortable when he is with you. You stop the random memory flashes, the fear of people judging him, and you make him happy. That’s all he needs.

- X6 isn’t really sure how to express his emotions. He has never been allowed to. So just being in your presence has helped him get a good start.

- Ada feels lonely a lot, so when you guys just sit and talk, she loves it. And she has A L O T to talk about.

Physical Touch

- Danse is literally just a big teddy bear. He loves cuddling with you and just basking in your presence. He’s a big ol baby.

- Piper hates it, but she’s severely touch-starved. She just loves being held so much, it’s not even funny. But if you tell anyone she’s a softie, she’s killing you.

- Dogmeat is literally a dog lol. Just a baby :)

oh gosh thats the day after my birthday 😟

ONLY ONE MORE MONTH!!!AHAHAJSHANSHAKABSNS WE CAN TOTALLY DO THIS

THATS A GREAT POINT like how many times has boris done this??? how many shirts has deacon lost to him??? how many pieces of clothing have they lost to it in general???? 😭💀💀💀

How...how often exactly has Boris broken into a literal house that neither Chase nor Deacon question it anymore

nick and deacon are so suicidally dedicated to helping others, much to their detriment, which i find highly relatable. how could i not like them?