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Diary - Blog Posts
Growth
Growth is great until you slowly out grow people you thought would always be with you.
Changes
Being told you look happier than before is probably one of the best compliments that I have been given🥰
I had my chance, I missed them, or blatantly turned away; every single one. I had many chances. Now, this grief is entirely on me. I'll spare you of any final apology. I'm sorry. Goodbye. I hope you'll turn out to be well, whatever might the situation be.
I stole this from myself, lol. R.I.P. to this Deetzy when she wrote that.
learning that many things are not mutually exclusive has changed my ability to deal with difficult situations. life is so complex and nuanced and i can be sad and happy and grateful and nervous etc etc all at the same time if i want to
med students all over the country are celebrating their match by partying and i am doing my taxes
when i got my car i was so overjoyed to have this tiny piece of the world that was solely mine and that is how i feel now with my apartment. this is adulthood, this is responsibility, this is if it's messy it's on me and if it's clean it's on me! i get to choose how i decorate it. i get to choose who i invite into my space. which i am very excited about being able to have people over
Feeble though sweet
light pours
over the immense meadow
expanding in my eyes,
unmoved by the night sky
thundering upon it.
The moon is to follow its own instincts
navigating the ocean of endlessness
not hiding in itself,
but with a open-heart
bleeding and scarred
and cold.
It is not a bringer of sadness.
It is a reflection of reality.
Not the one we’re living in,
yet both our senses
and mind
are touched by it,
as if it were no more a caress
than it is a warning.
Lonely moon,
and lonely woman,
not to be found in rationality
but in the inexistence of both
the self and the ego.
Bonds are burdensome.
They are what makes life worth living,
albeit the feeling of burdening someone else with your own emotions or lack thereof obliges you to take a step back or running away on a 180 degree path in comparison to the one you’re on at that moment.
You begin craving that loneliness that picked at your heart every night,the one that made you cry your own blood since tears did not hurt enough.
I want to turn back in time,or keep being the myself i knew before giving out pieces of it to others.
Opening up is not much of a good decision sometimes,or easy to accomplish either.
Everything just hurts.
It’s overwhelming.
It’s flooding my well.
Oh wait—
how long has it been since my well last had a shape?
What is happening around me?
What am I?
Tranquility engulfs me;
to breathe
feels redundantly inadequate.
The sky
urges my meekness
to come forth.
As a sombre feeling
now lays itself on my heart,
a forlorn memory
makes its way
across my walls.
A nurtured wish;
A longing for the unattainable;
A void wishing to be filled.
No more than an instant,
yet unreachable from this well.
And as upon me
the start begin their show,
I have but two choices:
drown,
or rushing into a dead sprint.
Though I am keen
on embracing my wish,
I luck the strenght
to get on my feet.
In a world
it all came to a halt.
Unbreathing,
disrupted time,
it can no longer flow.
In this world
we are alone,
grasping,
pushing,
climbing—
falling—
Or are we?
Thus we wonder
“what is life?”
In my world
I begin clutching at my chest,
sheltering my heart,
wishing to live
one more day.
Here I hide,
running from what,
you say?
All.
All that breathes
while I cannot.
All that feels,
while I bear its weight.
All that smiles,
for I do not know how.
03/25/2021+03/26/2021
The unconscious act of clinging to one’s tangible emotions removes all possibility of these coming into existence.
The backwards law plays a paramount role in these cases.
Trying to draw out something,which not even the owner can feel on command is foolish.
It’s like stomping on the ground and then start fishing,meanwhile believing to go home with a handful of goods.
To actually be able to accomplish what you set out to do,you have to immerse yourself in the environment and follow where the current brings you.
Then,and only then,the reward will come to you.
The focus should not be one’s own emotions,and therefore not even themselves as a person.
Shifting it on a purpose beside that which has been the constant object of such attention,would prove benefiting for the primary objective itself.
For one to receive love,they must first know how it would feel before being able to open the doors to it.
By bestowing close ones with your own small acts of love,each in their different shape,will open the one-sided path of love.
Do not covet from others what you have never given to them.
03/10/2021
It wasn’t a long time ago,though it supposedly was.
Here I laid,in this same bed,hugging my covers as tightly as I could,
genuinely wishing to become one with them and vanish in that exact moment.
It felt like a void,the harshest and heaviest one could experience within their bodily existence.
My mind,an abyss.
My body,an havoc.
Somewhere,somehow,I envisioned a version of me which could grasp that forlorn warmth.
She welcomed it in the most easy-going manner,very-well knowing how fleeting that emotion would be.
It was not light,nor was it fuzzy,or bubbling or anything at all.
It just was.
It was right.
May it be precognition or the strength of my will,I do know that THAT was the precursor to who I am now.
I’m alive,living who I yearned to be.
And a lot more than than that as well.
02/28/2021
A person’s actions may be a result of careful thinking;
they may be a wim based on precursor principles and ideas,
although they might just as well be without a meaning.
A shell.Or not?
A wall.Or not?
Ensuring the groundwork behind every action should be the first priority.
None can be commenced whenever it is missing the meaning that should be conveyed.
However fundamental I regard this notion to be,not many do so nowadays.
Therefore I am left wandering about whether the meaning I see is real or made-up by my own beliefs,thoughts and needs.
Humans can be rather imaginative when it comes to deciphering the smallest of actions.
Nothing is almost ever delivered in its integrity,
May it be for fear of giving away the true meaning and reason they formed in their minds;
Or for a specifically intended reason,which,for all intents and purposes,is intangible.
02/27/2021
It feels warm inside.
Like a boiling well that makes you feel fuzzy;
Its water ascends so as to reach the furthest parts of the body.
Its heaviness is counteracted by how lightweight the body feels.
It reminds me of the aftereffects of getting drunk.
Chat help
So a few days ago it was basically new years for me
Kai-yaking through life
Episode Two
16/09/24
Traveling to the other side of the world is both a terrifying and exciting experience. I made wonderful friends from both Italy and Quebec, and saw many gorgeous plays!
We also went boating and kayaking on a beautiful lake, and discovered many new things.
It was such an inspiring experience!
I'm waiting to see the others again to know how they see the future for the troupe, but even if the adventure together continues, it'll be rare to work because well, they're nearly all at university now.
I was expecting it, and had mused about what I'd do then already.
I decided to do theatre on my own, and maybe recruit others.
First of though, I think I'll go with a solo performance, but I've not given it much more thought as I'm waiting to adjust into my new routine of aromatherapy and singing lessons.
I'll update you with some more of my ideas and adventures soon!
Until then, stay you, and read you soon 🫧
-Kai 🧭🌟
I've been having a hard time realizing what I have left behind, in my home town.
I was everyones everything.
People liked me they would only asked for me.
I helped everyone with whatever they needed, I gave my whole heart and soul to them.
We grew up in the same shitty little small town together, ate at the same restaurants with our family's.
Before I left we even walked at night in the streets, doing nothing but been kids.
Now since time has passed, and we all grow into bigger and better people.
They all grown into wonderful, motivated and independent people.
And I've been come the laughing stock.
I haven't contacted anyone from my town in a year, but some how I still hear them talking about me, they all say how "they knew me" and "she was our friend how could she". You say my name like I'm the monster. I wouldn't have done this if you would have helped me. But now its too late it finally has a grip on my neck.
~✧°+* 4/100 days of doing better*+°✧~
01.08.2023
This has turned from a getting my life together challenge into a 'How can I fuel my Cillian Murphy obsession most efficiently?' challenge. Needless to say, I continued watching Peaky Blinders with my friend (daily Tommy Time, as we like to call it). But that's okay, because this Tuesday was rest day and now I am rested and shall try to get back into the groove.
I also recently found out about the Magical Readathon hosted by Book Roast over on YouTube. I doubt I'll actualy finish it, but I'll at least try to make use of the reading motivation I got from it. So far I've read the first 60 or so pages if Im Westen nichts neues (All Quiet on the Western Front in English). I really like it so far. It's sad (obviously) but I like that in books. And once I've finished it I can also finally watch the movie.
Positive things I did today:
kept the duolingo Spanish streak going
cooked two warm meals
went for a walk and read at a café
finished season 1 and started season 2 of Peaky Blinders with my friend
Hours slept: ~9hrs Screentime: 7hrs 30mins (how did I spend 4hrs on WhatsApp??) Steps taken: ~5.600
~✧°+* 2/100 days of doing better*+°✧~
28.07.2023
This day was a bit all over the place.
I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but I'd say it was a succesful day none the less. I got to spend some quality time with a friend and that's worth a lot to me.
For all that it's worth, I'm actually really excited for studying tomorrow. I'm making progress on the witch hunt revision and it's starting to be fun. Hopefully I'll finish my summary of the slides tomorrow.
Positive things I did today:
cooked a balanced meal
continued history of witch hunts revision
kept the duolingo Spanish streak going (very last minute tho)
handed some books in at the library
spent time with a friend
watched a movie (Schatten in meinen Augen / The Bombardment on Netflix; very sad)
Hours slept: ~7hrs 10mins Screentime: 5hrs 30mins Steps taken: ~7.600
~✧°+* 1/100 days of doing better*+°✧~
27.07.2023
It's been very rainy and quite cold for the season here and the drastic change in weather (it was incredibly hot and humid before temperatures dropped) really affects me. I've been sleeping a lot more than usual which makes being productive difficult.
I try not to beat myself up about not getting things done easiely; or not getting things done at all. Instead, I take breaks when I feel like I need them and try getting back to work once I've had a little rest. And that seems to be working (somewhat).
I got a history exam this coming monday which I've barely done anything for. It's open book, so I hope it'll go alright reagrdless but I'll still try to revise all the slides over the weekend.
Positive things I did today:
did the dishes first thing in the morning
finished work for my professor
started revising history of witch hunts notes
went grocery shopping
kept the duolingo Spanish streak going
enjoyed an iced coffee while playing some animal crossing new horizons
Hours slept: ~9hrs 30min
Screentime: 6hrs 10min
Steps taken: ~4.800