Incorrect Marauders Quotes - Blog Posts

Barty: I’m just realising that you and I are actually quite similar

James: I can’t believe you just say that.. that’s so mean..

Sirius: but they’ll take a man that can’t read!

Remus: I can read!

Remus: I can read.. just not very well..

James: can I try rizzing you up?

Anyone: ..okay-

James: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLESS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PELASE PELSSE PELASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PELASE—

Barty, Dorcas & Evan: *walking into the Gryffindor common room*

Remus: *with his face in his hands with his shoulders moving up and down*

James: *on the ground laughing loudly*

Peter and Marlene: *with their hands on their knees, laughing loudly*

Dorcas: …what happened?

Remus: Marlene was trying to see if she could get on her broom inside-

Evan: uh oh

Remus: and she almost hit Peter with it and James said duck and they both quacked.

Sirius: where are you going Prongs?

James: to the aquarium.

Sirius: ..why?

James: because I’m an adult! And I can do what I want??

Lily: he saw a photo of a teddy seal and now he needs one.

James: why don’t you have a bf?

Lily: cause my parents aren’t really cool with that yet

Lily: what about you? Why don’t you have a gf?

James: cause your parents aren’t okay with it, yet

Marlene: gaslighting doesn’t work on me

Mary: ..oh?

Marlene: because I already don’t trust my, terrible, memory and I don’t care what really happened

James: I think I broke something

Barty: I’ll buy you two more

James: … (I can buy my own stuff..?)

Barty: don’t even worry about it

James: I think I broke a bone

James: we literally just met.. I hardly know you-

Sirius: I would kill for you.

James: ..

Marlene: *bitching about another quidditch player that got best player because her and James got injured*

Marlene: I hate that bitch

James: [who has a concussion] you want her on a ditch???

Marlene: no, I said “I hate that bitch” ..but that too

Remus: things I want in my mouth..

Sirius: ..

James: ..

Remus: chocolate.

Pete: ..oh!

Mary: what did you want to be when you were younger?

James: I wanted to be a F1 driver

Marlene: I wanted to be a firefighter or a musician

Lily: I wanted to be a painter or an author

Mary: I wanted to be a model

Sirius: I wanted to be loved

Peter: I wanted to be a teacher

Remus: an astronaut or a doctor

Dorcas: movie star

James: what about you Mary?

Mary: oh! I wanted to be a nurse or a doctor

Sirius: how do you get half siblings?

Lily: well if your parents-

James: car accident.

Marlene: yeah, happened to my cousin.

James: [in a costume] And on the third day-

Remus: [who has mistaken James’ Dumduldore costume to a Jesus Christ costume]

James: Jesus made boobs.

Lily: oh god! ..wait-

Marlene: is this blasphemy?

James: and he was like “nice”

Remus: my dog just got hit by an ice cream truck.

Regulus: aww.. :(

Pandora: Reg.. what did you do?

Regulus: what? Sirius was being a bitch

Barty & James: oh!-

James: alright I need to swear-

Sirius: fuck.

James: swear as in promise??

Remus: is he the one that is so fucking insufferably annoying and never shuts the fuck up and has never been hit it his entire life?

James: .. I wouldn’t say that, but if I were going to say that, I would say it about him.

Marlene: is he the one that is so fucking insufferably annoying and never shuts the fuck up and has never been hit it his entire life?

Lily: .. I wouldn’t say that, but if I were going to say that, I would say it about him.

Mary: if you could kiss any woman in the world feet, who would you choose?

Marlene: my beautiful girlfriend, Dorcas

Mary: that don’t count you do that anyway

Marlene: [with no hesitation] Euphemia Potter.

James: REALLY??

Remus: he’d like me better if I wasn’t a “bitch”, I’d like him better if he wasn’t 5’9

Lily: I mean you’re both at a loss

Mary: But who’s actually gonna recover from this?

Marlene: Remus.

James: do you ever think that-

Remus: he doesn’t think

Sirius: uh. I do-

James: okay imagine that you did-

My new favourite headcanon that I made up, last night when I was supposed to be sleeping:

It’s that Pete made up all the marauders nicknames while he was high and the conversation went a little something like..

Remus: Pete how much did you have?

Pete: [very clearly high out of his mind] .. ‘othing.

Sirius: oh you’re absolutely wasted

Pete: nuhhh..

James: cmon Pete, let’s get you to bed

Pete: no!!.. you heard did ya?

James: sorry?

Pete: that people make nicknames.. like moonguy over there.. [lazily points his hand over to Remus’ direction]

James & Sirius: [laughing] moonguy??

Remus: oh my god.

Pete: I mean y’all.. don’t talk

Sirius: ..we can’t talk..?

Pete: yea.. you- have pads on your feet.. so you- *gags*

James: oh Padfoot come help me bring him to the bathroom *smirks*

Sirius: ..I hate you

Remus: Not so funny anymore is it?

Pete: oka.. moon..y

Sirius: ..moony..!

James: I like Moony better

Remus: I hate you all.

Sirius: *blows a kiss to Remus*

James: *helping Peter get to the bathroom*

Pete: why..?

Prongs: pardon?

Sirius: what’s he saying?

James: uhh, I don’t know

Pete: you have no..

James: who? ..Me or Sirius?

Pete: both.. you

James: what don’t I have?

Pete: noo uhh. no, no collar-

Pete: I see deers with collars in zoos..

James: well I don’t want to wear a collar, that’s for wild deer

Sirius: *walks in*

Pete: you should get a.. met.. ual one..

James: metal?

Sirius: a what?

Pete: Like a..

Sirius: a metal collar? What like a prongs? Aren’t they for dogs..-

Pete: prongs..! *hugs James*

Sirius: oh! Ha Prongs!! *hugs Pete & James*

Remus: huh?

Sirius: Pete came up with another nickname!

Remus: Hold up we’re not actually gonna use them? Are we??

Sirius: of course we are.. Moony

Remus: I hate you

James: *says from the bathroom* So Remus is Moony, Sirius is Padfoot and, apparently, I’m Prongs.

Remus: what’s Peter going to be?

James: well his Animagus is a rat so we can make something out of that-

Sirius: ..rattail..!

Remus: rat’s tails look like worms kinda.. or maybe-

Sirius: wormtail!!

Pete: nuh.. uh. *still over in the toilet*

James: it’s perfect.

And that’s how they got their nicknames, thank you for listening

Harry: i grew up with a lesbian mother and a bisexual father, both of which have a wife and husband so I didn’t know straight people existed until I was like 6

Ron: [is confused on who has a wife and who has a husband] Hold up, I’m confused say that again but slow

Luna: wait me too

Pansy: that’s the life every child deserves.

Remus: [texting Sirius] im out rn so I can’t listen. Is it important?

Sirius: nah just listen to the voice message later

Remus: alr

[later]

Remus: *open voice message*

Sirius: THERES A FIRE- PETE!! YOURE MAKING IT WORSE STOP- (!!)

James: *screaming in pain*

Marlene: *laughing*

Peter: *screaming in fear*

Pete: what would you wish for if you had three wishes from a genie, and you can’t wish for more wishes, more money or to bring people back from the dead

Pete: I’d wish for everytime I’ve ever wanted

Lily: ..okay, im feeling some undertones

Marlene: I’ve had some pretty bad wishes icl..

Remus: cause have you ever had a bad thought though, like ‘I wish I was dead’ or something?

James: or like you wish you could disappear?

Mary: exactly

Peter: ..no.

Sirius: I try to think positive..

Dorcas, Barty, Evan & Regulus: [who just wanted to stop by] . . .

I show a post saying Barty went around telling everyone him and James were dating

so I wanted to make a little thingy

It probably started when someone was flirting with Barty and he wanted to get away and went: “shit I got to.. go see” *tries to think of something, mind goes to James* “my boyfriend!” (??). Then he keeps it going for shits and giggles, and then he panics when ppl ask him about it cause he doesn’t know why he thought of James out of everyone

———————————

A Ravenclaw: *flirting with Barty* so crouch.. I heard a little rumour that you fancy people with brains..

Barty: [who would rather be anywhere but there]

Barry: uhhh.. yeah I do, did you know Gryffindors are quite smart too? Like uhhh.. James Potter, for example, like his my boyfriend yk? and all-

Ravenclaw: ..what?

Ravenclaw: Oh. That’s cool I just thought- ykw nvm.

Barty: yeah you didn’t know that? We’re dating

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Hufflepuff: so Barty..

Hufflepuff: [flutters eyelashes, smirks and puts hand on Barry’s thigh]

Hufflepuff: what do you do even Quidditch is on? Do you go back to your dorm.. because I could tag along..

Barty: no, I don’t. I actually uh, I normally go hang out with my.. boyfriend, James Potter. Yk the one who your team lost to? The captain and prefect? The one-

Hufflepuff: .. I’ll go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Doesn’t even make sense cause James would either be playing or watching all the games, but Barty wasn’t thinking)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marlene: Barty!

Barty: what?

Marlene: what is it I’m hearing ‘bout you and Jamie?

Barty: ..

Barty: uhh, where’d you hear that?

Marlene: I was near some Hufflepuffs and heard a mention of it

Barty: why you snooping near Hufflepuffs?

Marlene: don’t change the subject. What’s the deal?

Barty: I needed an excuse to get away from ppl so yk.. I used him as an excuse

Marlene: why James tho? Wouldn’t Evan be more useful, cause you see him daily

Barty: .. James was just the first person I thought of

Marlene: ..

Barty: I guess

Marlene: ..alright then-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorcas: Barty.. why?

Barty: ‘why’ what? I didn’t even do anything!

Dorcas: Oh, so running around saying your dating, Potter? Is nothing?

Barty: you heard that did ya?

Dorcas: of course I did, I hear everything. May as well call me “Rita fucking Skeeter”

Barty: okay I did! People were annoying me and I just said “My boyfriend needed me” and just threw Potter’s name in there so people would shut up and leave me alone!

Barty: god do people ever stop and leave me alone? Stop asking me about it god!

Dorcas: ..

Dorcas: okay.. my bad then

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter: ..and then she ran into a wall and-

Sirius: I’ve done that before

James: I don’t doubt that

Remus: then what happened?

Peter: and then..

Marlene, Dorcas & Barty: [laughing in the corner]

Sirius: where did you come from? Planet Loser?

Regulus: as opposed to planet ‘Look At Me Look at me’?

Sirius: what did I do to be this short, like why do I deserve this??

Peter: maybe it’s revenge from something you did in a past life

Sirius: you think I did a crime in a past life?

Remus: you do crime in this life, you definitely did it in another

Sirius: ..

Sirius: I guess..

Peter: what crime do you think it would’ve been?

Lily: break and entry

Peter: murder

James: arson

Remus: aggravated assault

Marlene: he ain’t a pussy guys (!!)

Sirius: thank you Marlene! I cannot believe them-

Marlene: he definitely did them all

Sirius: …

Marlene: and probably more

Sirius: okay thanks let’s move on-

Regulus writing in his pink glittery diary with a glitter gel pen: I am going to stop the dark Lord..