Journal - Blog Posts

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of death and passing, grief, loss of family members, illnesses, and emotional breakdowns.*

Thursday, Oct. 27th, 2022 Part 2

4:46pm

Last night, Angel asked me about Granny (my great grandmother) and I told her about Granny’s conditions. After I answered, Gem asked me a lot of deep questions about how I felt about the situation. I’m not ready to witness Granny’s conditions firsthand, even if it’s over the phone. I feel this fear and pressure about addressing the situation. After I finished expressing that vulnerable feeling, she asked if she could give me a suggestion. I had the immediate thought and feeling of apprehension to say, “Not at this time.”, but instead, I nodded my head because I wanted her to feel that she had the space to support me. And, because of the pressure of her being Angel’s partner and the choice of saying no, seemed like a possibility for either of them to feel hurt by that. 

She then proceed to tell me things she wished she had done when time was leading up to her grandmother’s passing. She was extremely triggered and started to sob as she spoke. Then, Angel shared about her experience grieving her grandmother by celebrating her life, with photos and altars, and finding comfort in the qualities in herself that she got from her grandmother. Gem brought up her grandfather afterwards, and talked about that time while crying as she relived it. Angel was getting up and leaving, finding things to do around the apartment, through that part of the conversation as Gem spoke.

Once she finished, I told the both of them that I appreciated what they shared with me, and thank you. But, I really didn’t mean it. I appreciated that they wanted to help and support me, but what transpired and what they said was not what I was expecting or what I needed/wanted in that moment. When I said that I wasn’t ready and as I shutdown when thinking about what they were saying, I thought that it was understood that I also did not want to get in too deep either. Gem inserting herself in my moment of vulnerability with Angel at first, then speaking about her periods of grief while crying, shifted the conversation out of my comfort zone, worsened my fear and anxiety of my Granny’s health, and centered the conversation from me to her. It was triggering and much more emotional than what I wanted. While she and Angel spoke, it was so hard to stay present and not disassociate. I wasn’t trying to go through that and it left me feeling empty and numb afterwards. Throughout that conversation, all I was doing was imagining the many different scenarios of confronting Granny’s illnesses, her death, and after, I almost cried too as she spoke about her grandfather. It was filled with such heaviness. I wasn’t ready then, and I’m still not ready…

Part 1

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of death and passing, grief, loss of family members, illnesses, and emotional breakdowns.*

Thursday, Oct. 27th, 2022

4:46pm

Dear Me, 

It’s a beautiful day today as I sit here at an espresso bar. It’s a clear, sunny day with a chill breeze, I feel comfortable without a jacket. This afternoon, I woke up at almost 1 o’clock, which is very late, but it felt amazing getting up. It was sort of a dead sleep, but because I fell asleep at almost 5:30 this morning, I guess it was worth it.

Angel was able to get her car, even though it was terribly difficult and infuriating. Gem has been really stressed lately and has a lot on her plate because of work, and it has me worried about her.

I feel like today has been probably the best day for me since I’ve moved to New York City 10 days ago. My mind is the clearest it’s been in a long while, and I actually feel more present. Life and the world around me feels tangible and touchable and I feel like an active part of the it today. I hope it lasts!

I’ve been listening to Demi Lovato’s new album lately, and I think that the pop punk/ pop rock genre might be a resonate genre of music for me. This album speaks to me in a way that Willow’s album did in a similar way. It’s an album filled with grief, longing, rage, desire, and love. I’m noticing that I’m gravitating towards the slower songs and those with interpolated meanings. This album is heavy with trauma and seeking relief, and I heavily relate and never knew I needed this album or genre in my life right now. I feel seen and heard by this album and it feels elevating as well as relieving to have this. I think my favorite songs are Substance, Eat Me, City of Angels, and 4 Ever 4 Me.

Part 2

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of abuse, nightmares, neglect, PTSD symptoms, and depressive feelings.*

Saturday, Oct. 22nd, 2022 Part 3

10:30pm

I had a nightmare last night that repeatedly woke me up. I didn’t remember it until I was writing in my other journal. Last night, my Papa told me that my stepdad, James, came with my Mom to California to visit, which in hindsight, I should have realized that sooner. We talked about James being there and how Papa would react to meeting him for the first time, but initially, I was just joking around. It wasn’t until the nightmare that I realized how triggered I truly am by James.

It was about my Papa confronting James about his abusive treatment of my brother and I after getting upset. The situation was really aggressive and resulted in my Mom packing up their things and leaving early, while ending things with Papa.

I find it a little defeating and irritating that James still sets me off after all this time. I don’t think I’ve processed that trauma at all, and it clearly still affects me. I’m still harboring all this hurt and trauma from both him and my Mom. From the moment that man entered our lives, my mother stopped being a mom to me when I needed her to be. I’m disappointed and full of rage towards her and what my childhood was like from that point onward. I really don’t understand why I still talk to her, other than holding out hope.

I want so many things for my mother that I not only grieve my childhood, but also her experience. She is so powerful, resilient, and intelligent, but James stunts all of that. I wish that she felt that she could stand alone, and realize that she does not need him to carry on. I wish that she could have everything that she needs and wants, just not with him.

Now, I also wish that she had those things for my own benefit as well. To have a mother who is not trapped by a narcissistic man. She has only ever fulfilled his wants and desires and prioritized him, while neglecting me. I love my mother to death, but I also resent her. All because of her love life choices. I wish things were different…

I think that I need all the time I can have away from college, so that I can focus on myself and heal. I have so many desires that I want in this world, but it feels like it will never happen. I need the strongest reminder that things are going to be okay, that I will still have a chance, and that things are not over yet. Because I have not suffered through so much for this to be the end. I deserve to be on this journey to heal and I deserve every good thing coming.

Part 1 -- Part 2

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of anxiety and depressive feelings.*

Saturday, Oct. 22nd, 2022 Part 2

10:30pm

But today was different. I slept in this morning, and woke up feeling a lot clearer mentally and didn’t feel as physically sick as I have been. I still feel slower and unstable, but I was in a better state than the past month. I felt like dressing up today and tried to find an outfit that would be cool to wear to go out and purchase some new journals and pens.

My sister, Angel, and her girlfriend, Gem, made breakfast and it was nice. I did notice that my mood started to drop as time passed. I was very withdrawn and didn’t feel like talking, but it was okay, I’m hoping I will start to open up more as I get more settled in here in NYC.

I got up from eating breakfast and started washing dishes to do my part in helping out, while Gem and Angel continued to eat and talk. I was getting frustrated with myself because I felt stunted from everything I’ve been through lately. All of a sudden, I started feeling hot, dizzy, and had trouble breathing, I think it was because washing dishes was proving to be more taxing than usual. I ended up being okay eventually.

Right as I was finishing cleaning, Gem called me over, and told me that she and Angel bought tickets to a dance performance for my birthday. I was grateful for the gift and very surprised that they were thinking of my birthday in the midst of all that was happening. But I still didn’t feel moved, I felt dead and empty in response. I did my best to communicate that this was exciting and that I was thankful, but I felt disappointed that I didn’t respond better.

I started to feel unsettled and anxious after that, the restlessness that I have been feeling here lately has been nonstop. Then, Angel was very late getting ready for work and seemed very anxious, paranoid, and rushed. I was just sitting on the couch while they both were rushing around the apartment. Her anxiety was starting to rub off on me, as I was concerned for her, but also uncomfortable with just sitting in the middle of that. She gave me a rushed hug and ran out of the door, and I realized after that I was anxious because I was anticipating for her to snap at me.

I feel like I shouldn’t be here and that it was a mistake for me to move in with them and that I’m not enough, and I thought they felt similar… still do. I’m waiting for the moment this all falls apart, that I screw up or make a mistake so bad that they resent me. Because I don’t trust myself in anything right now or believe in myself.

But, I found out later that Angel felt bad about how she left and said goodbye. It isn’t really hitting me until now that everything was fine and she probably wasn’t even thinking about me. I need to remind myself that I am not resented or being antagonized for being here. I deserve to be helped. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have the life that I’ve wanted. This is the path needed to get there. I am safe. I am loved and am loving. I am cared for and supported. I will get through this.

Part 1 -- Part 3

*TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mentions of su*c*d*l ideations and feelings and depression.*

Saturday, Oct. 22nd, 2022

7:27pm

Dear Me,

This is Day 5 of my New York chapter, and I don’t feel whole. I’ve been struggling with my depression since the beginning of September and I’ve slowly been losing my perception of myself and the feeling of being alive and real. I was feeling extremely suicidal and lost my will to keep living; my reasons to keep living and to not view my death as my only escape and release.

I went to the Wesley Woods facility to receive more intensive care and to follow through with my obligation of surviving for the people who love me. It was an awful experience, filled with constantly masking, suffering with little help, and lies. I left that facility feeling numb, confused, hurt, betrayed, and like nothing but everything changed. Then, being confronted with leaving Emory U. to go to New York to look for better, proper treatment was earth-shattering. I feel fractured a thousand times over, hurt beyond my bones, and drained of my entire being. I pushed and pushed with urgency to file the medical leave with such disingenuous people because I wanted a change immediately. It just exacerbated everything and left me feeling empty and hollow. Not human, just a shell with no direction.

I left Emory feeling heartbroken and empty (with one friend lost), and arrived in New York feeling unstable, spaced, and unmotivated. I feel completely lost in space and time, and I can’t bring myself to feel positive or negative about this change. I can’t even say what I want right now, I’m just repeating things from months ago. It’s frustrating and disappointing. I feel defeated and I don’t have a genuine reason to keep going.

After being here in New York for 5 days, the answers that I’ve been searching for and desiring have still not come. I feel like my mind is taking up too much space, while also being microscopically small. I’m exhausted and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. My sister and her girlfriend have put in all this money and time because they love me and want to support me, but I don’t even understand what this love feels like… I wish that I could take what they have been saying to me and feel it deep in my bones that it’s true and that it holds meaning, but it feels just as empty as I do. They and my friends have done so much for me, but I’m struggling to see the path and end goal. I don’t feel worth it or that I deserve their worries and effort because I don’t feel it for myself. I wish things were different…

Part 2 Part 3

I’ve gained some new followers lately, and over the last few days, I’ve been thinking about being more active on this page. I honestly started this page to occasionally post some of my journal writing as a way to connect with people that I will never meet. Just to have something that will mean something more than what I was feeling in the moment.

I think I’ll continue doing that more often now, but not with the idea of doing it to “connect with others”. I want to truly do it for myself and to make content that is real and if people read it, they can relate or feel inspired by it. I think this is great way for me to pour into something that brightens my life more. So engage if you like, and if you don’t, that’s fine too! Cheers to 2023! 🎉

i don't fucking care but i'll be thinking of it a couple times a day just because <3

Harris vs Trump?

I’m currently living in a European country. In a place where our parliament isn’t any better than the American one.

Italy is so far away from the US and we don’t realise it.

Italians worry more about Trump winning the elections instead of actually using those dry freaking balls to fight against Italian injustice towards women, immigrants or going against the freaking antique and useless rules that dictate us what to do and what to do in the XXI century. The Italian population submits to the disgusting scholastic system and the professional one at that too. Economy is degenerated to a certain extent that I don’t know how to describe it.

Italians never vote, and the few that actually do, they vote for the wrong ones who have promised to these people lying to them, while looking at their eyes.

And then they start complaining about it. Knowing that they fucked up. And start blaming immigrants and honest faithful people who are way better than these scums.

How can a population be so stupid and dumb?

They are ignorant people. They don’t know anything.

And still, with this recurring issue, they criticise the politics of another state which is far FAR away from them, without having a single care in the world about fighting for themselves against their OWN country.

Yes. Trump won the elections.

And so what?

Do you Italian human, think that you are going to be affected by this choice?

How could you ever think that you can fix something that doesn’t even belong to you?

Italy. Mind your own fucking business. Stop being racist and medieval.

And start treating your own immigrants as HIMAN BEINGS and after that you are allowed to criticize American Politics and population.

Because you are hypocrites. Pathetic beings. With antique and pretty humiliating mentality. Really conservative.

You cannot judge anyone if you still commit sins. You, catholic population who are so devoted to their churches, please start opening your perspectives to something different from your own personal life and dedicate yourselves more to what’s happening in your country.

Stop fucking talking about other countries. Mind your own business.

Just yesterday my cheeks were burning with shame... Not for my children's actions as you might think, but for my own behaviour.

Literally a few sentences said at the wrong time and here I am again feeling this fire on my cheeks... Usually in moments like this I either want to defend myself and talk a lot and fast, or I lose the gift of speech for a while and try to understand the whole situation. Yesterday I was speechless...

Of course, later I tried to explain myself, my cheeks were burning at the thought of creating such an impression with my words, but I could hardly change anything, and since my intentions were not evil, I apologized and just tried to let the situation go.

I didn't seem to be able to explain anything, and it doesn't matter now...

...But my cheeks still burn with shame and offence when I remember all the words of that conversation.

Just a snapshot, but I have so many questions...

... Who's driving this car... Is it a man or a woman?

... Whether he/she is on the way home or to work in the evening shift...

... Or maybe he/she is in a hurry to hug someone...

... Or maybe just driving around town listening to music...

... Maybe holding back laughter or swallowing tears...

Sometimes I just want to write a story and know it will have a happy ending 💛

Sheltered from the weather at home, from the strong wind that brought wet snow to our city, I decided to make myself a coffee and continue sharing my thoughts...

I know how to be a friend.

I grew up surrounded by grandmothers who said, "You can't trust anyone." "Friends aren't real." "Everyone betrays except the family." But family was not easy, I grew up early and friends turned out to be the people I could rely on in any situation in life. It wasn't always perfect, but people have good hearts and can forgive.

I never had male friends. I mean, there were girlfriends' boyfriends, girlfriends' husbands, my brother and my uncle, with whom I am only 7 years apart. There were colleagues. There was a friend of my husband's who at some point in our life became more of a friend of mine. He used to call me, he used to come over when I was alone at home with my son, I even used to joke with him and say, "Well, call him (husband) and arrange your time, we'll sit all together." But he got married and communication became minimal.

Men have always been interesting to me as individuals, I did not like all those female conversations with clichéd phrases that "all men are the same", I was silent and annoyed. This is not the case and all men are so different, so interesting! There is a whole world behind each one of them.

And it is such happiness or luck or magic to find a very similar person in this huge world. Honestly, it's like a gift from heaven, unexpected, inspiring. When you feel free to talk about your favourite movies, books, discuss art, talk about writing fanfics and not feel ridiculous! Not to make excuses for your taste... And also lifting the veil of secrecy and sharing your playlist (which you call "silent shame" because of your weird taste in music) *smiling* is, I think, the ultimate in trust.

Yes, I definitely know how to be a friend.

I decided to share here my thoughts and emotions that I am alone with and that have filled me from the inside out and need an exit.

At first I was afraid, but I thought that my Tumblr is read by 2-3 people, it's like a diary for me, it's personal, it's not Instagram. It is what it was and is because I have not deleted a single post, they are all about me and my life. I often tell my close people that I am also real here, in my online life. I don't like plays, although I think I could be a great actress, and what photos I can take! Everyone would believe it...

But I choose to be real...

I'll probably write a few posts and then I'll run out of words. I have so many questions inside me right now and I keep asking myself in circles.

I feel like I am falling into the same trap. Like when I was 16, 22 and 29... And now that I'm almost 34, I'm back at the same point, with the same emotions. With the same questions for myself. Questions about friendship, about human communication...

I have always been the side with whom communication suddenly stopped, almost without explanation, let alone the possibility of explaining myself. I still wonder what it's like to be on the other side, but I probably wouldn't want to experience that in my life. I don't want those emotions any more, because they turn out to be the same as they were when I was 16, 22 and 29. Can I call them "unpleasant"?

Last spring was the same for me, I was looking forward to it, cheering up everyone around me when the snow caught up with us and covered our yards and streets, but April came, it melted, everyone around me sighed and smiled, and I was confused... Spring came, but my soul felt empty. Last year I filled that emptiness with my stories and wrote a lot.

This spring seemed different, but April came and I was confused again...

We drove out of the city towards the river. My friend was concentrating on driving, but I could feel her worried and warm gaze on me from time to time.

I cried in the passenger seat and just kept repeating to her, "Well, what an idiot I am... I mean, there's not a single reason not to think that I'm an idiot..."

Her voice was calm, soft, even maternal (I had no such support in my life, but I instinctively felt it). "You're not an idiot. Don't even think like that... You just have a very big and kind heart... You share your warmth, there's enough for everyone, Dear. You see... For your family, your friends, and even..." here she stopped talking for a second and added, "you have to keep sharing and..."

"I don't want to," I whispered to her, clearly aware of why.

"You are so... And your heart is so... You have to keep sharing... Things will get better..."

At that moment I was so grateful to her and to myself that I wasn't alone.

One day I'll tell the whole truth about this trip...

One day I'll probably write something about it...

But today...

Today it's important to breathe, to fill my lungs with cold air.