Prose Writing - Blog Posts

so, i came back to tumblr, after all! weird to be here, i've disappeared almost everywhere, the queen of ghosting. it was for a good reason. i've been dealing with a long period of crisis, gave up 2 semesters at uni, been stuck in my bed 23h/day (not a hyperbole). finally, i feel like coming back here.

in this whole period, i haven't done too much. couldn't read, watched not so many movies/tv shows, but i did listen to a bunch of music. that kept me a bit less depressed.

i feel like i have something inside of me that is trying too hard to get out, but i don't know how to do it; it's a feeling of creation. only a few people actually feel this, like they need to create something, to put it out, but haven't found a way yet. it's stuck, and it's a whole interwork.

AND altho i know that not many people follow me, neither know who i am or whatever, but to anybody reading this and going through something bad, i hope you get better. focus on your health. it'll pass, doesn't matter when, just be strong and keep fighting. this isn't a coaching shit or self-help bad book, but for experience of someone who's dealing with way too much. everyday is a new day to begin again, until you get it.

have a really muthafuckin great day, guys. much love to you. (that's for the 2 people maybe reading this lmfao thank you for being here) 🌧🤍

and so we stand, 2 lovers on opposite side of a great river without a clue on how to cross but unable to walk away maybe eventually we will find a way

Love comes back around

Sitting at the airport at 2am

Thinking about love and relationships and how they encompass so much of our lives

How someone you think you’d never love again becomes a life long partner

How a long time friendship turns into a steamy love story

How some people could never really move on from a love that was lost

How two ex lovers, one day, can’t be in the same room because feelings

How we miss our pets when we travel for a bit

How mum’s sometimes live for their kids

We go about our little lives but there is a big part of us and simply wants to love and be loved

There is no love here

Some places are simply selfish, they take and take and take for as long as it’s possible, some places are confusing, there is no back, there is no front, just a low buzzing level of chaos, some places are factual, they lack passion, authenticity, vibes, but the places that hurt are places where you realize that there is no love, knowing there is no love here, gives a different level of pain, it’s like a waking up but instead of coming to reality you are actually waking up on the opposite side, it’s cold and empty and a fucking nightmare

What does it feel like?

Anxiety feels like a weight on my chest

The weight is dependent on the day

Sometimes it’s heavy and sometimes it’s light

Anxiety feels like my lungs can’t suck in enough air

It’s feels like they can’t hold the air in for long

Short breaths

Anxiety feels like an uneasiness

Relentless undercurrent of unsettled energy

Constantly in alert mode

Constantly analyzing, thinking, ruminating

Anxiety feels unsafe

In those moments I just want to feel safe

On my own or helped by someone who cares and adores me

How do you decide what’s best for you?

I’m not sure if I can answer that question, I think it starts with asking yourself the hard questions.

Are you happy?

Will you be happy?

Does this make you happy?

Is this what you really want or is it what I think I should want?

Q: what do you want this year to feel like?

A: like sitting on your front porch with a midnight blue ceramic mug. it is filled to the brim with hot black coffee, the coconut milk still swirling. you are cupping it with both hands and holding it close to your chest, its golden rim glimmering in the early morning glow.

an herbal and floral steam rises from a pregnant earth that drips and dews, fills the air. a fine blanket of warmth falls over your face, your home, as sunlight begins to travel across and down and up and through. the snow is melting. it’s all melting. time is but a faint whisper these days, though you still wear it as a necklace. you take a sip. a bird lets out a sharp cry. then stillness. a car zooms by. then stillness. then stillness.