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This is the most amazing feeling, it really truly is. And when you find a person who gives you that experience, you’ll want to hold onto them forever.
But although you might consider them magical, it isn’t really coming from them. It’s you. You brought something real into world, out into the open, and that is a powerful act. You enabled that moment of truth and vulnerability and healing to occur. It couldn’t have happened without you: your choice, your courage, your presence.
So that person isn’t the only source of acceptance, resonance, and true connection. Because you carry the potential for it with you, every day.
And there are many amazing people in the world. People who will respond with warmth and steadiness to your dark secrets and your truths -- if you can dare to show them.
Learning to receive that from a variety of people is ... difficult. And beautiful, and empowering. It means learning to let them in, to let in the love that’s around you.
avpd concept: I tell someone everything I’ve been too afraid to say my entire life and they don’t think I’m a monster. They don’t run away. They stay. And that means I can finally stop running, too
(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder. You can read part 1 of this post here.)
When you have a safe person in your life, that relationship becomes really important. Here’s why.
With a safe person, I am welcome. It’s okay to exist.
They’ve demonstrated that they won’t hurt me, even when they have the chance. (They prove this by just literally not doing it, over time.)
They don’t react in the ways that I fear.
They’re consistently kind and supportive of me.
They’re actively considerate of my feelings.
They really want to know how you feel, and they want to make sure you’re okay. How you feel actually matters to them.
And this is SO important for us -- because with AvPD, we are not good at dealing with our feelings. We’re not good at standing up for them, expressing them -- or even sometimes being aware of them.
So when someone proactively cares about how we feel, and maybe even encourages us (gently!) to open up ... it’s like they’re creating a space where our feelings are OK. It’s OK to have them, and to feel them, and to talk about them. And that’s something I don’t think people with AvPD get to experience much.
This could happen as subtly as you having an anxiety attack, and them acting calm and accepting instead of freaking out. You just get the sense that it’s okay. You’re okay with them.
Because our feelings are “allowed” in a relationship with a safe person, we’re able to let our walls down and let them see who we really are. It may only be a tiny bit of visibility, but it’s often a lot more than we have in any other relationship.
And when they respond positively to our self-revealing, we get emotional affirmation, and we can feel accepted. Which is hugely healing.
When we’re with them, we feel more like a whole person.
And that’s why it’s so important to us. We have the same need for acceptance, friendship, and being liked as anyone else -- it’s just so much harder for us to receive it.
So with the rare person who can soften our defenses and let us feel safe being close to them ... that’s a treasure we never take for granted.
I do think there’s some potential overlap with being dependent on someone (like with DPD or codependency). I became absolutely obsessed with my first safe person, and it wasn’t good for me or for them.
But I also think it's natural to value a “safe person” type relationship very highly, and to want to be close to them, and I don’t think that’s automatically unhealthy. This is just something we need to be aware of, and it’s a good idea to check on boundaries and comfort levels once in a while.
Just like people without AvPD can have more than one positive relationship, people with AvPD can have more than one safe person. It’s just equally rare to find a second person you “click” with that way. But there’s nothing automatically exclusive about it, and it can be nice to have more than one person to talk to.
It’s also a spectrum. Each relationship is unique, and it changes a little with every interaction. You might have one safe person who you’ve known for a long time, and then another one you’re still building a relationship with. The important thing is whether you get that sense of emotional support and acceptance from being with them.
And who knows? Eventually, you might just start calling your safe people “close friends” -- because that’s pretty much what they are for us.
(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)
I realized recently that I tend to try and categorize every relationship I form. Here’s how that breaks down.
The quantity of time I spend feeling safe vs. scared with them
Past evidence of them being judgmental or trustworthy
How possible intimate connection seems
How rewarding intimate connection seems
“Scary” person:
someone I usually feel frightened around
they’ve shown frightening behavior: they’ve treated me or others negatively in the past (acting critical, judgmental, rejecting, or cruel)
Intimacy is impossible.
I will never choose to be vulnerable with them, for any reason.
“Friendly” person:
someone I feel comfortable around
who has NOT shown frightening behavior
Intimacy is possible, but even if I achieved it, I think it has a very low chance of turning out well.
I could choose to be vulnerable with them, but I usually won’t, because it’s not worth the risk.
“Safe” person:
someone I feel comfortable around
who has shown trustworthy behavior in the past: I have been vulnerable with them, and they responded in a kind, supportive, accepting way
Intimacy is definitely possible, and I think it’s likely to have a positive result: they’ll probably be kind and supportive again.
I will probably choose to be vulnerable with them as often as possible.
It’s not this clear-cut or this conscious in real life. But looking at the patterns in my relationships, that tends to be how it divides. When I’m with some people, I feel really, shockingly good; with others, I feel okay; and with others, I feel really bad/afraid.
For me, I assume most people are “friendly.” Acquaintances who have never frightened me go here. Strangers go here -- for me -- because why would they bother judging me? What are they judging me against?
People who are abusive or who violate my boundaries go in “scary,” of course. But, for me, so do people who are just really opinionated or blunt, because I have such a low tolerance for conflict and hostility. (People vary! Your criteria for “scary/unsafe” or any other group might be totally different, and that’s okay.)
Because finding someone who’s basically never frightened me, who I’ve risked being open with, and who responded to me in the exact right way to put me at ease and make me feel heard and accepted -- well, that just doesn’t happen very often.
For me, the chances are better if they’re naturally mild and considerate people. And the chances are really good if they genuinely like me.
For more about safe people, you can read part 2 here.