Your gateway to endless inspiration
Tw Sh - Blog Posts
It's that lurking anon again, please forgive me for this long ass thing I'm probably about to ramble on about, in advance. TW for unaliving and SA.
I loveeee your new drabbles especially the rockstar one, he's so precious. I loved pm Dazai and ADA reader as well. To be honest though, if he asked me on a date I'd fold immediately 🙃 no need to beg, buy expensive wine etc. I know technically he's supposed to be the complete opposite company of reader but I'm all for opposing sides of something falling in love, like an angel and a demon. I feel like even though Dazai is technically a good person now or at least on the good side doing good things, if it came to the person he loved to get hurt or almost die(because I refuse to even entertain the thought of this man having his heart broken again) he'd sacrifice the world for them. "A hero will sacrifice you for the world but a villain will sacrifice the world for you," and I think Dazai when it comes to his love will do the latter.
I especially love Persephone and Hades love story....minus the kidnapping. But I mean Hades loves his wife even though he's supposed to be this horrific devil because he's a God but people demonize him all the time, I see Dazai this way. I love to say he has the luck of the devil but the mind of a God. I have the biggest soft spot for people who I feel a desperate need to take care of and he's definitely one of those characters. Dazai reminds me of myself in sometimes, I've never seen value in living and have tried to not be here any longer twice, but I'm here still and I'm learning to not just exist but actually live. We aren't exactly the same but I genuinely wish I could reach the parts of his heart that he hides behind the shadows of his past. I know this is a lot for just an anime character but I can't deny he's incredibly realistic and I feel deeply for everything.
I know a lot of people don't ship him and Oda(I don't either btw) but I feel like he definitely was in love with him. I've read the manga and as much about this show as I can(I hyperfixate) and whenever it comes to them, I just see the definition of first love and "love of my life." Everything I've read with Dazai on Oda (Oda being older than him and considered him a friend, definitely not brotherly nor fatherly, I don't think Oda knew)and all the things he's done with Oda on his mind and his name in every beat of his heart, I can't deny I see true love there. I know a lot of people ship him and Chuuya(don't attack me fans of this ship please) but I'm not sure I can see him loving someone as much as Oda, after all, look at how much he's changed and done because of Oda(I don't mean he can't love anyone else, he definitely can and I hope he will but it's that eternal love he'll never forget). I know a lot of people think he's incapable of being loyal/would cheat but I think quite the opposite(because this isn't Author Osamu Dazai, this is Dazai who was inspired by two book characters, they're not the same, they have some similarity but only a few things in common), seeing how much love Dazai is capable of makes me feel like, even though he's seen as a womanizer, he has SO much love to give and he'd be so incredibly loyal to whoever captures and secures his heart. That man won't ever betray the one he loves because he's still Dazai and that person will most definitely be his lifeline, the reason he's living, his heart beats for them.
Also reading the characters he's based on makes me sad because he's based on a character that's been through so much sexual assault(both men and women took advantage of him). I feel like it could explain why Dazai is such a womanizer as well. He's not a coward for being traumatized by people in his past and yes I know we don't know if the author will bring anything up about this part of his past that relates to the characters he's based on but I can't help but wonder, you know? And as someone who has been assaulted like he has as well, I understand why he's like that, he's not purposely playing with anyone's heart(I mean the women he's with), he's protecting himself from what he's felt in his past.
Anyway I'm ending this before it gets too long even though I probably went past too long a few paragraphs ago. So sorry if this was too much or weird.
Anyway stay safe love🥺💖 I hope I didn't dump all this on you unexpectedly. I'm so sorry if you hate this or hate anything I said 😭😭
tw: mentions of sh
hope ur doing alright anon ❤️ i agree w a lot of this in terms of dazai's backstory and such ! i have to say tho i can still totally see dz cheating almost for the same reason you say you can't... like, he loves his s/o so much that he wants to drive them away so he doesn't hurt them/get them caught up w his shit, so that they don't die in his arms and he loses another person he loves, etc - what better way of getting them to leave than shattering their trust? (which is still not an excuse ofc)
i also have a hc that dazai is actually some form of asexual and doesn't actually enjoy the meaningless sex he typically has and uses it as a form of sh - like on a rough night he gets horrifically drunk and goes home with a random just because he doesn't view himself as human and wants to make himself uncomfortable. esp w how he was brought up in the pm, using his body to achieve his end goals (shown w kouyka when he says to atsushi that she'll seduce those bodyguards and then take them out, and she's 14; same w when dazai slept w that nurse to get his phone back during the cannibal arc i believe) like it's clear mori expects some pretty horrific things from his subordinates, so he's definitely used to viewing himself as less-than and viewing his body as a tool...
it's all food for thought, idk. hope you're in a better place and taking care of yourself, anon ❤️
small insinuation of self harm
Dazai realizing he loves his s/o, telling them, and then wanting to tell the world ! He's very dramatic, so he repeats it religiously at the agency - a mantra that follows him everywhere :))
Until afterwards when he's alone in his apartment, heart beating out of his chest and feeling especially anxious. What's wrong with him? He didn't do anything differently today than he normally does...
He thinks hard as to what might be causing this, when the door opens and you step in. Oh, he's anxious about you.
But why? He loves you! He's quick to say it as you close and lock his door, and the feeling suddenly returns.
Oh.
He feels a sudden urge to break up with you, loosen contact, drive you away - Does he love you? He didn't want to tell anyone else (he did, he regrets it now). What happens if he falls out of love? Why did he do that? His chest just keeps squeezing, keeps constricting — feeling almost as though he was drowning in his thoughts. A moment of reprieve is granted only by the gentle placement of your hand over his heart.
"Are you alright?"
A few deep breaths and Dazai's heart rate is back in his control. Yes, he loves you, he thinks. But saying it is too scary.
Dazai just looks at you, a war tearing between his brain and his heart, unable to decide how to feel. His brain wants him to vanish: pack up and leave you forever so he doesn't have to deal with this vulnerability. His heart, however, wants to pull you closer. Never leave you, never let you out of his sight, always keep you within six feet of him to protect and love— and like you.
You pull his head onto your chest, cradling it in one hand as the other cards through his hair. "You can tell me anything, you know."
Dazai knows. But telling you he's not actually sure he loves you after his huge breakthrough what was merely the night before feels cruel.
It took a lot for him to open up and admit that, and he's not sure he can open up and admit that he regrets it. He should leave you - you deserve someone better, someone who can shout from the rooftops that you're theirs. But selfishly, he wants to hold you close and let you sooth him.
Seeing him still so torn, not moving as you hold him, causes a frown to come onto your face. All you want is for him to be happy and healthy and loved, and you'd thought you had a 66.67% success rate (you're working on the health thing). Like Dazai had moments prior, you wrack your brain for a change, and quickly land the same place he did: his love for you.
You smile softly, maybe a little sadly, and pull him closer until he's sitting on your lap. "Osamu," you press a kiss to the crown of his head.
He says nothing, just staring blankly. This is the hardest he's ever had to work to keep his heart in check, to stop the frantic beating. Is it hot in here? Should he take off his coat? Why can't he tell everyone he loves his partner? He does love them, he does.
How are you supposed to approach this? If you say you don't have to love me, he could go on the defensive. You just want him to relax. "I'd never force you to do something against your best interest."
Dazai meekly nods. Of course not. You always focus on him and his needs, emotionally and physically. You pack him lunches so he doesn't skip it at work and force him to eat dinners with you most nights. He just now notices the plastic takeout bag on the table - you must have brought that in when you first arrived. You want what's best for him, and he loves you for that! Doesn't he? Does he?
"I don't want you to force yourself into doing anything— saying anything you aren't ready for yet."
Dazai shuts his eyes tightly. Of course you figured it out. Feeling anxious, his heart beats desperately as he relinquishes control, not caring if you notice. Several soft apologies begin to fall from his lips quicker than you can stop them. The turmoil of this is eating him alive, and he hates it. Is running still an option? Does he even want to? The only thing keeping him from opening up new scars tonight is the feeling of your fingers in his hair. He's not sure if he'd leave even if you made him.
Fuck, but staying is so hard. His hands move up to tightly grip the fabric of your shirt, bunching it up between his fingers in hopes to ground himself.
You say nothing, allowing Dazai time to collect himself. Minutes pass, the food you brought likely cold now as Dazai just breathes in your embrace. A small growl from your stomach pulls him from his head finally, a small smile on his face as he looks up, seeing an embarrassed blush decorating your cheeks.
"Sorry, sorry!" Suddenly you're burying your head in Dazai's chest, seeking solace from your embarrassment. You trust him, love him enough to let him comfort you, just as he does you. A groan comes out of your mouth as your hands cover your face.
Dazai chuckles, pulling your head up before gently removing the hands covering your face. Your shoulders fall as Dazai's smile makes you relax. Whatever's bothering him won't go away over night, but you'll always be there to help.
"Come on, let's go eat," Dazai says, voice much calmer than it is when he's loudly boasting about his s/o at the agency. You don't mind. You like this version of Dazai all the same.
He loves you, he's sure of it. He just needs some time to properly accept it before yelling it from the rooftops - and you're more than happy to give him that time.
bbg, i know how it feels (personal experience with that kinda thoughts). but i'd suggest this;
any time you wanna hurt yourself, count in numbers.
I like the number five, so i count by fives. five groups of five. count it, tap my foot, my fingers, clench my hands to fives.
five and twenty five. i count by them to try and just distract myself.
How do i not start harming myself one day? Out of a weird curiosity? I'm scared of that idea the most bc that 'try' won't stop and my own actions and thoughts will manipulate my personal beliefs and the limits I'm trying to set- both for my mind and actions.
But seeing and learning others losing against themselves hurts me so much. I don't have a strong personality. I'm trying, for months, to not get a reflexive answer to stressful moments as the mere words of 'i wanna kms'- just so i dont get used to it or don't get affected by it. And yet now those words are what escapes my mind during any kind of a breakdown and im trying to not think like that. İm still trying to not think like that but idk. İm scared. It hurts me so much seeing people hurt. I hate this world :(
hope ur doing all right <33 🫂
who out here stroking it! and by 'it' i mean the knife on my wrist.
dming you after cutting myself like a cat running up to you after abusing its scratchbox
you can like Doki Doki Literature Club and also admit that people used the game's story and plotlines as an excuse to make incredibly insensitive jokes about suicide, self harm, and abuse.
when you were planning to go nintendo 64 mode and end it all with prozac Or a knife but your parents hid the knifes and you don't have enough prozac and all you have is a safety pin and pencil
you need it.
thanks dude <3 dw, I didn't have enough prozac anyway ^^
me after watching two middle aged men make a shrimp gun becuase a shrimp gun is better than sh
I relapsed, idk why I'm posting this, just needed to say it somewhere ig
Edit: I feel awful, like a piece of shit, ughhhh
sometimes i forget cvtting urself n sui thoughts arent just silly goofy things
funny to think that i started cvtting because my former fp was getting distant with me
filter: cvts deeper sesh
filter: bone skinny bruises scars
filter: cvt skin knife carving stab
filter: relapsing relapse
filter: sh vape drink od starve rot
“you hurt yourself so what’s the difference of me hitting you” im mentally ill and your just crazy.
