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Vent - Blog Posts
hello tumblr, may i introduce you to my dearest sona⁉️ they have a simpler design as well, i mostly just use it for journaling tho..
i will most likely use this guy for venting a lot sorryy probably gonna draw some silly art of him too tho cuz i like him sm :o)
tried to finally make them a proper ref sheet with this, kinda as a stress relief too. life is all over the place right now and it doesn't seem to get better any time soon :(
i will try continuing commissions today but they may still take a few days to finish, so sorry about this but thanks so much for the patience i really do appreciate it!!
vent doodle
my parents are arguing about nothing again ogh
i think my dad is going to be late to my brothers doctors appointment
can they atleast argue in the bathroom or something im getting tired of hearing them 😔😔😔
im taking a break from posting my art because my life is a bit hellish at the moment
your friend wanting you dead is a fucking experience
my will to live is fucking nonexistent
Right, so I am currently facing a dilemma. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, my first one in six years. (I'm seventeen). I have to go to a specialist dentist due to being born with a cleft lip. I was meant to have a dentist appointment every three months in those six years I didn't go, the only thing is, my mum hid all of the letters I got from my dentist and canceled all of my appointments without my permission or knowledge. To make matters worse, she didn't even buy me a toothbrush at all untill i was about seven and by that point and her attitude towards brushing was 'do it or don't, it's not my problem.' So I didn't start brushing my teeth until i was about ten (I'd already lost my most of my baby teeth) when I realised it was something you were actually supposed to do. The thing is, ive only started regularly brushing my teeth in the last three years since ive started living with my grandparents and they told me how bad that was for my teeth but i still havent been able to go to the dentist because my mum was the one getting the letters. Now my teeth are in a really bad state and I know for a fact I'm going to have to have at least one filling and a few teeth removed. I'm stupidly embarrassed and I'm really worried that my dentist is going to be silently judging me and I feel like my grandparents will as well since they're the ones taking me. I'm also scared of going to a dentist in general now because of how long it's been since I've gone. Idk why I'm even putting this on here tbh, I just really needed to vent it ig. Wish me luck tomorrow and let's hope I'm not laughed at for my shitty oral hygiene.
I’m sick of being broke. I want fluffy towels. I want cool T-shirt’s. I want pretty dresses. I wish I could wear something different than everyone else, I don’t want to look like everyone else. I want to have bough money to buy lipgloss or a Frappuccino without thought. I want a horde of toki dokis in my arms. I want statues and collectibles. I want hardcover editions of my favorite books. I want to afford being a issue by issue comic fan. I want to buy pins off Etsy.
I want to buy video games and dlc. To buy as many books as I want. I want to have food without a worry about how long it’ll last to my next paycheck. But no. I have to save, save, save, to pay for books for stupid classes I don’t want to take but are required to get my degree so I don’t have to work retail.
I have to save in order to pay for my meds because health care in this country is a joke. Oh, and pay out of pocket because my insurance doesn’t cover behavioral assessments.
This whole summer I bought myself an eight dollar my little pony for nostalgia, a 14 dollar kuchi kopi, and bought a single twenty dollar book.
What I Can’t Say To My Brother
You are fundamentally a bad person. You are furious. You are selfish. You are a liar. You are a gaslighter. You are a thief. You are misogynistic. You are queerphobic. You are racist. You are intolerant. You are abusive.
Everything has been handed to you. You do not have to try to succeed in anything. You’re athletic, charismatic, talented, pretty enough to look like every leading man in an action flick , and every body wants you to succeed. I grew up hearing and watching everyone fawn over you. Kids at school would make friends with me just so they could come over to the house to hangout with you.
“Deven’s so smart, you know when he was little he spoke Russian and Spainish?”
“Deven’s so handsome he should be a model!”
“Deven’s so good at fixing computers!”
Your life could’ve been astronomically better than mine. But you couldn’t even do the bare minimum of effort or pretense of it to even coats on by. You’ve pissed every opportunity away. Every ounce of goodwill people have given you, you’ve sucked it dry.
The money you stole to party with your rich kid friends (who you also mooched off of to the point they stopped talking to you) almost made our family homeless. Every girlfriend you’ve ever had would sheepishly admit that you bragged about stealing money from me to pay for the date and would slip me a twenty from their purse as an apology.
Every girlfriend you’ve had you also drove to have an emotional breakdown. You purposely went after women with emotional problems and no support structure so you could bully them. These were women who wouldn’t know what a real healthy normal relationship is supposed to be. You did that on purpose.
You claim our mother is the person you love the most in the world (after yourself). You take money from her (you steal from her on occasion).The few times she tried making boundaries you guilted her and blamed. Our mother, the one parent we share in our blood, the one parent who actually stuck around for you.
My poor mother had to give up her dreams of travel and further education, of making beautiful art, all so she could give birth to a pitiful man like you. She was sixteen and scared out of her mind. She was hurting from a father that abondomded her as well, and you fucking play on that with your POS dad’s behavior. You use your fear of abondomenr as a fucking excuse.
You dare try to lecture me. You dare try and take some sort of moral authority and intellectual stance. I only speak to you at family functions out of the bare necessity to not hurt our poor grandmother’s feelings.
How fucking dare you try to explain the origins of storytelling and myth. I’m a fucking English Major with a concentration in creative writing my thesis is based around archetypes. I’m not taking intellectual or academic sources from a man who got a full ride to college but flunked our his first semester because he didn’t show up to class and didn’t do homework.
You only showed up to take tests. (College students who do this have the brains to check the professor’s attendance policy and grading system to see if they can pass and get away with it.) You also didn’t have the spine to tell our parents what you were actually doing, you would drive up to college and sleep in your car, like the jellyfish you are.
It took everything I had in me not to tear you down with a few sentences. You have to feel like the smartest person around. You dared to say you were, “The Muhammad Ali of Knowledge.”
Every memory of you cornering me and screaming at me to agree with you and your shitty pints. You would t let me leave til I said you were right in between choking back sobs burned in me. You and your need to control every body around you.
I could’ve destroyed you. Just a few flippant words, because let’s be real, what we say causally is usually what devastates others the most.
“Relax, you’re only my half-brother.”
“So, how smart do you have to be for your dad to finally give a shit about you?”
“What’s it like to have a dad that doesn’t love you?”
But I didn’t, you know why? Because I’m not you. That would’ve been a Deven move.
I promise to be better from here on out, for my family, for my girlfriend, and for anyone I've effected by my actions.
I've done bad things, and I just want to be better and actually take control of my life.
So hi if you see this, I'm really going to try. Because my actions and words have affected people, and I refuse to let myself ever treat anyone like shit who doesn't deserve it again.
So, hi, if you see this, thanks for reading, and from now on, I'm really going to try to be better and to help not only me but all who have I've hurt.
♡
!! vent !!
I don't believe i deserve anything other than the necessary needs that will keep me alive, as an example; i don't think i deserve books, i don't think i deserve friends, i don't think i deserve human connection, i don't think i deserve having hobbies, i don't think i deserve having a blanket, i don't think i deserve having a phone, i don't think i deserve anything other than food, water and hygiene needs— and stuff like that. I am just someone who is overly selfish, i can't even take care of myself properly. I know i am talking absolute nonsense right now, but i don't want to just snap out of it and just try to brush it off. Because i think i deserve to suffer in my emotions, i don't really deserve anything. However, i keep selfishly using them. I am a terrible person who can't even figure stuff out by herself, i am a filthy someone, and i don't want to be comforted, i don't think i deserve to be comforted and feel happy. It's embrassing of me to talk about my emotions. I don't even understand what people see in me to actually care for me, maybe they think i will fit them as if i am an accessory? I don't know, can never.
TRIGGER WARNING:
fake bl0od :/
keep yourself safe plz plz plz
lmao
WARNING: some digital bloød! not real, just my doodles! be careful
tap ⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇
vent art :(
TW: kinda a Vent?
I have noticed recently that all my kins have either killed themselves, or tried to... Don't know how to feel about that.
Michaelangelo ( the last ronin)
Stan Uris ( it)
Zenitsu ( Demon slayer)
A little vent piece
I'm currently writing a new part for the Tom Gets Therapy series. This time it focuses solely on Tord's perspective, and I'm facing a problem.
See, when I first wrote TGT, I had the intent of just making it a one and done fic. So Tom's mannerisms in therapy were ones I frequently showed when I was in therapy with my better therapist. The scratching into the arm chair had been something that I did, the more erratic talking and the need for a break. All of that was how I was in therapy when I had a good therapist.
So writing Tord's therapy, I want to portray how drastically different his experience is with Tom's. Tom is comfortable in the office and with his therapist. Tord is not, he hates the office and while he can appreciate his psychotherapist's more blunt nature, she can be very pushy about the topics they'll be talking about. She is the one that is forcing him to talk about his old friends and he is uncomfortable the whole way through.
Naturally I dive into my own past experiences and use them like I did for Tom's situation right? Welllll I may have gone too deep. I went through several family therapists thanks to the divorce and custody battle with my mom and dad, so bad experience on top of bad experience... these therapists were chosen by my dad and anything I told them would be told to my father and then used against me, it built up so much mistrust and resentment when I should have just been given mental health care... so needless to say, this is going to take me a while and I think I need to go cry. This sucks, I thought I was over this shit.
My reaction whenever i see someone calling trauma bonding "sexy"
IM SORRY??? BUT LIKE DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?! ∑( 口 ||
PLEASE search up what it means. Trauma bonding isn't two people with trauma bonding over it.
Just a vent rant
had a mental breakdown last night about who tf i supposed to be I watch 60+ about how to change my self for the better and 20 being love affirmations the only thing i really want is for someone to tell me they love me sooo bad like i literally have school in the next 5-6 days i think and i fell like committing . like im so fucking ugly I want to starve my self to the point where i am skinny but i can't stop fucking it I'm literally a pig I want to change my body for female and male appreciation. But every single time i get with somebody is all ways them touching my ass just my ass like is there nothing else you like?? Last school year ONE DAY i came to school with my sister pants on since i couldn't fit mines i step in the classroom QUIET one class period later 4-5 boys in my class come up to me if they can grab it. Are you fr? You'd never showed any interest in me but now? and just bc of my ass pathetic. I was always a people pleaser I'd do anything to get on ppl good sides but THIS is too much since that day my ass was the only thing i thought was good on my body nothing else and still trying to improve it.
some more at school doodles. creds for the message on the right go to alex one eleven on yt. they’re literally my idol as an artist
I fucking hate quadratics and complex numbers. Just math in general. Makes me feel like a fucking idiot.
GUESSWHOJUSTREALIZEDTHEIRMOTHEREMOTIONALMANIPULATEDTHEMFOURYEARSAGOANDITWORKEDSOWELLTHEYDIDN'TREALIZEITUNTILNOW
Yeah, I know my life is better then others. I'm not starving, I don't get beaten, I'm not in a war-torn country, I don't need to worry about if we'll have food tonight.
But I'm just a kid, I can't do anything to help them, if you care so much help them instead of bitching about it only when it benefits you.
Why do parents get so defensive when you say "I've been feeling overwhelmed lately"?
I know I don't have a job, I know I don't have a kid, I know I don't have to worry about bills. But that doesn't mean that my feelings are less, this is the most school I've ever had to do and it's only going to get harder, I can't hang out with my friends because their busy, and you invalidate my feelings by listing all your responsibilities you have, and because I am getting older I do have more responsibilities then I ever have before.
Your "lecture" to "help me" is just making me bottle up my feelings and not tell you anything.
Why do parents get so defensive when you say "I've been feeling overwhelmed lately"?
I know I don't have a job, I know I don't have a kid, I know I don't have to worry about bills. But that doesn't mean that my feelings are less, this is the most school I've ever had to do and it's only going to get harder, I can't hang out with my friends because their busy, and you invalidate my feelings by listing all your responsibilities you have, and because I am getting older I do have more responsibilities then I ever have before.
Your "lecture" to "help me" is just making me bottle up my feelings and not tell you anything.
The Girl With The pinned Smile
there is a girl with a pinned smile that “everyone adores”
She knows what they say when she closes her door
and knows that her tears dropping like flies will not help her
The girl with the pinned smile is a model student with straight A’s
She feels like screaming every time everyone says that she will be fine when they give her double the normal amount of work
She wants to drop dead when everyone gives her all the work in a project
When she tries to tell anyone her accomplishment that she worked for and she gets in return is a “yeah, we get it you're smart.” or a “stop showing off.” She wants to stop trying.
The girl with the pinned smile won the lottery with her looks
She has such smooth skin, that isn’t covered with bumps
The bumps are scratched until crimson runs down her skin
When someone says she looks pretty she will respond “thank you!” even though she knows they are lying
When they say that she is ugly she doesn’t respond to it and walks away, and she believes it
The girl with the pinned smile says “I love you too” as she closes her door
She walks over to her mirror and looks the stranger in the eye
She unpins her permanent smile as tears race down her face, her cheeks are sore
Her perfect curls look like bramble bush on top her head
She pushes up her hair revealing the ugly bumps on her forehead
She takes off her shirt showing the bumps on her back and the ugly pudge on her stomach
She takes off her shorts, and bra
She puts on some cute pajamas that don’t match her at all
Words such as Ugly and useless cloud her head
She wants to shut them up
But she agrees with them
A small voice says the opposite she quite’s it so it is not heard
That small voice is lying
She curls up on her bed
So small in the big world
She is scared
And lonely
And fat
And loud
She wants to scream but knows that will only make her more loud
She wants to be quite, but knows that is not her
She gets up out of bed and grabs her sandals
She runs out of the house which is silent
She runs to the closed park
No one ever goes there anymore
In the dead of night when not even a mouse awake
She lets her silent scream reach the world
the monthly whining (tm)
I feel like such a black sheep on the horny side of tumblr. I'm severely mentally disabled to the point where I can likely never take care of myself and be fully "independent" or "functional", but almost exclusively dominant. Not into any of the usual "dom" things like degradation, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I require almost constant validation to not mentally crumble, so how can I ever be someone else's strong pillar to lean on. I desperately crave affection and affirmation but am so shy and so afraid that ill hurt someone by being myself that I never approach anyone. Still trying to get myself to realize that spam-liking cute peoples' posts is not a recognized method of flirting. Maybe I'm just not cut out for intimacy. I just wish someone would tell me all this is OK, that I'm not some fundamentally incompatible freak of nature for being like this.