Yuna - Blog Posts

Jumping on a hype train, Shin Ryujin as Wednesday Addams

Kidcore edit of this Yuna's look because she looked so cute. Also I really love her vibe on stage and in variety content so have fun and enjoy.

itzy.all.in.us IG - 20211209

📂 🖇 shan’s archive : they/them !

Good Boy Gone Bad

Fandom: Enhypen

Member: Jakexoc

Genre: Angst

AU: nonidol!au

Trigger warning: Toxic relationships, heartbroken Jake, alcohol, cigarettes, mentions of drugs, use of curse words, verbal fights. Let me know If I should add anything!

Summary: Jake writes a diary in which he explains his first heartbreak from his first love.

Word count: 5.257

A/N: This is for @emeraldenha​ ‘s unlikely collab! Go check out the other works that have been submitted. This is my first collab ever and I know there’s room for improvement but thank you so much Ri for letting me participate <3

this is my first post after a very long mental health and work/college break, I was recently diagnosed with some conditions so I’ve been coping with that but hopefully my updating schedule get more consistent from now on!

Hi, my name is Jake Sim, I am currently twenty-two years old and today I’ll tell you about my first love at eighteen 

It all started that morning during math class, I had already seen her a million times before. Her beauty was something straight out of a fairy tale, even if some things didn’t exactly fit the “I just stepped into a magic closet and now I have to save the world” aesthetic. I had never heard or read of a princess that had prominent dark circles under her eyes adorned with clumps of mascara. I had never seen a princess that used vulgar language like her. I had never heard of a princess that reeked of cigarettes and cheap perfume, but I got used to it.

I got used to the curse words that she uttered in every single sentence. I got used to her friends being all over her. I got used to hearing her nightly adventures that took place almost everyday of the week. But I also got used to her giggles every time her best friend Jiung said anything. I got used to the way she smiles at the small doodles she scribbles on Sunghoon’s arm when he’s in the mood. I got used to hearing her talk to her friends about her struggles, she was human after all.

Maybe this all sounds cliché to you but it doesn’t to me, well, it didn’t. I really thought she was the one destined for me. I thought I could change her, she just needed a little guidance. I thought all of the rumors I heard about her were fake and were only made up by people that were jealous of her undeniable beauty, but I guess not. They were right.

“Sim! Eyes up!” My coach shouted at me onces I missed the ball for the fifth time in the game. It was just a practice game but apparently it was still too important for my coach. I should have remembered this phrase when I started falling for her, fuck, how could I?

“Hey, everything alright?” It was Riki, he’s a year below me but we get along well, he’s a good guy. 

“Huh? Oh yeah, all good. I’ve just been thinking about a Spanish assignment I have to finish, that's all.” At the time that was partly true, I had just barely started to realize that my more than normal fixation with that girl was not quite normal. 

“Ahh, well I’m sure you’ll do alright. There’s this girl in my class that’s a native Spanish speaker and we’re sort of close, I can ask her to help you if you’d like.” She’s a native Spanish speaker too.

“You know what? That would be great, you have my number if you have to reach out to me.” The coach blew his whistle to let us know that practice was over. “Thank you, man. I appreciate you.” And just like that, we parted ways to go home.

I should’ve told him I didn’t need the help, I could have avoided the trouble that came after but to be honest, as top of the class, class president, tutor and captain of the football team I was collapsing with so many duties and I have to admit, Spanish is not my forte. 

The next day Riki came up to me and told me that the girl he talked to me about was willing to help, he told me her name Lucía, and gave me her number saying that she wanted to talk to me, that I should reach out to her. And so I did, she replied shortly after and told me we should meet up after school in the café a couple blocks away. 

I had never heard of someone named Lucía at school so I was pretty nervous to meet her, I didn't really know what to expect. I spent the entire day thinking about my introduction and what I was gonna ask her when we met. I was so immersed in my own thoughts that I did not realize all the stares I was receiving, never noticed them to be honest.

“Man, why?”  My closest friend back then, Jay, asked me. He ripped right out of my thoughts.

“Huh?” I mumbled, utterly confused as to what he was talking about.

“What do you mean huh? Why did you do that?” He asked me again. I now had a feeling that I had fucked up in some way, shape or form. 

“Bro, I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about” I explain now urging him to tell me what was wrong.

“You really don’t know? Ok I’ll explain then. So basically you were walking down the halls when Victoria, you know her, called your name like fifty times and even put herself in front of you to get your attention and you just blatantly ignored her. You know what they say about her, you can’t really mess with her, man.” Jay explained and suddenly all the stares I got throughout the day made total sense. 

“Wait, Victoria? From our class?” I asked even though I already knew what Victoria he was talking about with the last comment he made. 

“The only Victoria from our class Jake, the one that looks like she doesn’t shower. I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t though, she smells like a fucking drug addict.” Jay ranted.

“Don’t say that dude, you don’t know her. Who knows? Maybe she’s in a bad situation, don’t just assume things like that without knowing that person.” I defended Victoria, after all she’s the girl I’ve been talking about, she’s the reason I fell in love for the first time and had my first heartbreak. She’s the reason I’m writing this. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry. She just gets on my nerves sometimes.” Jay admitted. “But why did you ignore her?” He asked again.

“Oh yeah, I didn’t notice her honestly. I was too busy thinking about someone I’m meeting today. Her name is Lucía and she’s gonna help me with my Spanish assignment. Do you know her?” I asked Jay out of curiosity.

“Lucía? Doesn’t ring a bell to be honest, how is she? Physically I mean” He replied.

“No clue, I’ve never met her. Riki asked her to help me ‘cause she’s a native speaker and she agreed.” I stated.

“Oh, well update me on that and good luck on that assignment. To this day I’m infinitely thankful I took French instead of spanish.” He laughed softly. I can really see why everyone has a crush on him, he’s really attractive.

After that we parted ways and I started thinking about the whole Victoria situation. How did I not notice? Was this study session causing me that much anxiety? I had taken my meds that day though, It shouldn’t have been that bad. I’m sure Lucía isn’t bad, not if she had agreed to help a stranger, me, out. 

I made my way to the café and when I finally entered I realized one crucial detail. 

I had no idea what she looked like.

What was I supposed to do? Should I call her? Text her? Stalk her socials and see if i can find a picture of her? I started to think of all these different scenarios and for some unknown reason I decided that the last option was the best, damn I was so stupid.

I typed her name on the Instagram search bar, ‘lucia’ and I clicked on the first profile that popped up, I knew it was her ‘cause of the mutuals we had and she had ‘belift highschool’ written on her bio. Luckily she was not private and so I clicked on her last posted picture, she looked so put together and clean. She had this preppy vibe to her to the point one would just assume she’s smart. A little further down her profile she had a couple of pictures with her friends and I recognized a guy named Sunoo there. I just knew he was a part of the school choir and participated in the singing competitions the school organized every year and he was a great singer. 

Lucía looked really familiar, I may have seen her roaming around the school before and I just didn’t notice. One thing that was consistent throughout her profile is that she has a cold aura to her, I can’t explain it but she just didn’t seem overly friendly and that worried me, just a tiny bit.

After I had taken in her face, I looked around a bit more to see if she was there and upon further inspection I concluded that she hadn’t arrived just yet and so I sent her a text telling her that I was already there and that I would wait for her on a table at the back next to the window, she immediately replied with a simple ‘omw.’

And so I waited for about five minutes setting the things I would need for the essay up until I heard the bell of the entrance ring, I looked up and I saw her in all her perfect glory. She was wearing a lavender sweater vest paired with a matching plaid skirt. Her hair was perfectly pin straight and she had hair clips clipping her hair away from her eyes in an elegant and effortless way. she really did live up to her Instagram theme.

She scanned the room for a bit before her eyes landed on me. She gave me a quick up and down and started walking towards me.

“Hi, I’m Lucía, nice to meet you.” She greeted me.

“Hey, I’m Jake, nice to meet you too. Thank you for being willing to help me out.” I greeted her back and thanked her for her kindness.

“No need to thank me.” She said as she sat down on the opposite side of the table. “What do you need help with? What’s the essay about?” She asked me.

“I have to write a fantasy story but I’ve been having a lot of trouble with grammar. It also has to have some specific things that Mr. Fernández told us, I wrote them down.” I explained.

“Oh, I thought it was going to be harder than that, I think we can finish today and don’t worry about the grammar, I’ll help you with it.” She said with that cold tone even if what she was saying was nice.

We spent two hours working on my assignment, the story had to be at least 5.000 words long so, of course we didn’t finish it but we were pretty proud of what we came up with before she had to leave. Her sister had called her ten minutes before letting her know she was on her way to go pick her up, I couldn’t exactly make out what they were saying considering that they were speaking Spanish and had an accent that Mr. Fernández didn’t share, looking back I now realized that they’re probably from different countries and I was too dumb to think about that. 

When Lucía told me she was leaving soon, she helped me pack my things up and agreed to meet up the next day. Lucía wasn’t as cold as she came across at first, she just had to warm up to you in order for her to show her true personality, she was still as eloquent, elegant and put together as always tho, just laughed a little more carelessly. 

Her sister texted her and let her know that she was parked right outside and sure enough, she was. I walked her outside to make sure she got into her sister’s car safely when I saw a familiar side profile on the passenger seat, that perfect nose was unmistakable

Park Sunghoon.

What was he doing there? He was probably friends with Lucía’s sister but I couldn’t recognize her. She was wearing a cap paired with the darkest sunglasses I had ever seen and before I could take a closer look, Lucía had already closed the car door and the unknown sister roared the engines from her gorgeous car back to life and the last thing I saw was Lucía’s and Sunghoon’s arms waving goodbye as the car drove down the streets. 

Huh.

***

This was my routine for almost a week until Lucía texted me and told me that she couldn’t make it to the café for whatever reason and politely asked me if I was comfortable enough to just go to her house instead. I had absolutely no reason to decline the offer so after school, I waited for her outside school and once together, we made our way to her house making small talk on our way there.

I expected her to live in a similar situation as mine, by that I mean a comfortable household where they didn’t exactly need anything but would appreciate it if they won the lottery some random day. That kind of family where both parents would work full-time jobs, arriving home at 6pm wishing they didn’t have work in something like finances or banking and had instead chased their dreams of acting or singing, or maybe even becoming well renowned painters. 

I was wrong.

I was oh so very wrong.

She lived in a mansion

A FUCKING MANSION FOR FUCKS SAKE OH MY. I did not expect her to be…rich, I mean she looked the part but I was always taught to not assume things about someone based on appearance but shit. The house was gorgeous, it was minimalistic but it didn’t seem dead, you could tell a happy family lived here or at least that’s what it seemed like. 

After my short paralyzation, Lucía took me upstairs to her bedroom. We passed many rooms on our way there and I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to go back on my own. It was like a maze and it may have been my imagination but she mentioned at least six bathrooms and about ten bedrooms. When we reached hers I noticed that it looked as clean and pristine as she did but it did have small decorations hinting at what she liked, I’m pretty sure I saw a Gojo figurine on a shelf. She had two candy wrappers on her bedside table and one half-empty glass of water. 

“You should do that too, you know?” She said out of the blue after catching me looking all over her room. 

“Do what?” I questioned.

“Keep a glass of water on your bedside table throughout the night, it’s supposed to absorb demons and bad entities, you have to flush it in the morning after you wake up though, I’ll do that now, be right back.” She cleared up as if it was the most normal thing in the world to have some cold demon tea every morning waiting for you. She didn’t seem like the superstitious type but then again, don’t judge a book by its cover.

After she came back with the now demon-less cup, she placed it on her nightstand and made her way to where I was sitting on her desk. She took a stool from somewhere in her room to take a seat and just like that we continued with the writing in hopes of finishing that very same day. We worked hard and long, when I thought my creativity was running low, Lucía came in clutch and suggested great ideas for the story and before we knew it, we were done.

“Where do you get all these ideas?” I asked, genuinely curious. I wanted to know.

“I used to read a lot before and my sister writes as a hobby. Sometimes when she’s in a slump she asks for help and we work it out together. It helps both of us honestly. I used to only value book-smart people but after understanding what it takes to be a creative person I now know that it takes just as much effort to come up with a good story or piece of art as to solve an equation. It just takes different skills and not everyone is gifted with them, some people, like me for example, think maths is the easiest subject at school but I’ve failed history twice. My sister is the complete opposite, she aces every history test she has ever done, same with english, but you give her one biology textbook and she crumbles. I think it’s important to acknowledge those types of differences for us to find something we’re good at and something that we like as well. Wow, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to ramble on like that. You should’ve stopped me Jake.”  Well that was a speech! but it was nice to hear her be so passionate about something like that for once, never thought she would open up to me like that ever. From this I can only assume her sister was criticized for this, I can only imagine how that impacted her and Lucía.

“Don’t even worry about it. You two must be pretty close then.” I calmed her nerves and pointed out hoping I hadn’t crossed any boundaries especially knowing we weren’t exactly close.

“Yeah, we are. We used to be closer before though, we’re still close don’t get me wrong but, she’s kind of letting herself go at this point. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable.” She explained her sister’s situation.

“It’s okay, I’m here to listen. I do have one question though, who’s your sister?” I asked out of pure curiosity.

Lucía opened her mouth to say her sister’s name. Just as she produced one single vibration on her bottom lip with her top teeth the door burst open and in came the smell of that cheap perfume I'm a bit too familiar with and the one and only, my future heartbreaker and my past lover.

Victoria.

Fucking Victoria,I should have guessed as soon as I saw that one Gorillaz shirt I saw her wear yesterday peeking out of the door from one of the many rooms we passed. I should have guessed when I saw the bunny eras she wore once on her Instagram hanging from Lucía’s door. How didn’t I?

“Sim? Hi. Lucía, you know what mom says about boys or girls in the bedroom. Keep the door open please, I don’t wanna deal with her temper tantrums again. Also, why is the teacher’s pet here?” She acknowledged me first but she wasn’t… rude? I always expected her to be mean or something, for now she only seemed a bit cold but not as much as her sister.

The sisters engaged in conversation, Lucía answering all her questions and assuring she wouldn’t have to deal with their mom. They fell into a nice chit-chat about their day speaking in Spanglish, them making that silent agreement so that I wouldn’t assume they were speaking ill of me in a different language. 

“Sim, don’t ignore me like you did today again please, I was pretty embarrassed and I just wanted help with the physics homework. Do you think you can help me out? Don’t worry if you can’t.” She admitted, she seemed so genuine and she may have been but I’m pretty sure this was the last truth she ever told me.

“Yeah! Yeah sure, I’ll help you out.” I replied a little too enthusiastically for my liking and I’m pretty sure it didn’t go unnoticed by the two sisters. Now that I think about it and see them standing close to each other, they look really similar. They did have differences though, Victoria’s nose was slightly more up-turned that Lucía’s but it lacked the ‘button’ effect that Lucías nose had. Lucía’s dark circles under her eyes were not nearly as dark and prominent as Victoria’s and she had ‘cleaner’ makeup than her. Victoria’s eyes were slightly lighter too but the redness of them made this go unnoticed. 

I said goodbye to Lucía, thanking her for putting up with me and helping me out that week and I made sure to make a mental note to give her something in return. When Victoria and I made our way to her room, a loud silence fell upon us but Victoria made sure to quickly turn it down by talking about what exactly she was struggling with. We arrived at her room and she quickly got her things out, I never would have imagined she worried about having decent grades. As she got her things ready, I looked around her room and saw that it was much more decorated than Lucías room and it wasn’t subtle or minimalistic at all, it was also definitely messier than Lucías too. Her walls were covered with posters ranging from band posters to animation one, some even being Playboy magazine covers. They were very different.

She sat down on her bed and invited me to do the same and I immediately realized that her notebooks weren’t color-coordinated, some even being the same color. The edges of the pages being folded over each other by how carelessly they were treated but Victoria didn’t seem to mind. All her notes were taken with the same blue colored pen. no highlighter, no pretty lettering, no clean handwriting and no decorations. 

When I finished with my analysis of her, I fell into my tutor act and started hearing her out and helping her to the best of my abilities. Mid-way through our study session she asked me if I wanted to smoke, I declined of course, I didn’t smoke back then and just the mere thought of how dark and dirty someone’s lungs could get scared me shitless. Just as abruptly as we started, we were done. She was a fast learner and was willing to do her part of the work just fine. 

Getting to know this nice side of her made me realize that maybe, being friends wouldn’t be that bad, of course I was wrong but how did you expect 18 year-old Jake to know that? I was just an innocent kid.

We agreed that I would tutor her every week for some money in exchange, she persisted in paying me even after I reassured her it was fine.

As you can imagine, we continued to meet up. We started talking at school and honestly, it was all fine, it was all great even. Victoria introduced me to her group of friends Sunghoon and Jiung, who I mentioned before, Jongseob, Yeonjun, Ryujin, Yuna, Karina and Chaeryeong, there were probably more but those are who I remember the most, some were even younger than me. They all had the same vibe to them but I knew most, if not all, of them were heavily involved with music. When I was friends with them I got to hear a couple of their songs and they were pretty good, even if we’re not close anymore I hope someday they’ll make it into the industry, they were nice to me. 

We started meeting up after school, I started to fall back in all my schoolwork and my parents started to worry. They talked to me and told me that they were there for me if I ever needed their support, that made me so fucking sad, I was dissapointed at myself for worrying my parents but… I didn’t stop.

I started drinking with Victoria, just the two of us but she made me feel safe. I knew I wasn’t at risk if I got drunk with her by my side, she promised to take care of me and she did, for a while at least. After I got used to drinking she convinced me to try smoking, I have no idea how she did that, she’s just so charming and persuasive, she was so dangerous but I never listened to my own body. My body was telling me to stop, all this was getting too much. I developed some very ugly coughing that lasted for a while. My parents insisted on getting me checked but I tried my best at lying to them and telling them it was just allergies and that the coughing would eventually fade. My coughs drew blood from my throat more times than I cared to admit but I did it for her.

I didn’t want her to leave me because I didn’t drink, because I was boring or because I asked her not to smoke when I was around. I don’t know why I stayed. You know what? Scratch that, I do. I was madly madly in love with this girl, so much so that I compromised my future for her, I sacrificed my health for her. I let myself go and for what? We weren’t even together. She didn’t even like me like that. 

I was tired of waiting for her to hint at me that she liked me back or at least reciprocated the tiniest bit of my neverending unconditional love for her. I was sick and tired of waiting. I was sick of seeing her flirt with everyone at the party but me. I was tired of seeing her all lovey-dovey with Chaeryeong, for fucks sake she probably had more feelings for her than for me but I was too blinded by what I had seen before to see that. 

This reminds me of a conversation I had with Jay when he noticed I was slipping.

“Dude, you gotta open your eyes. Look around! What good does Victoria bring you? And don’t give me some bullshit excuse, not again.” He reproached me as a good and worried best friend. That’s the thing I regret the most, taking Jay for granted.

“She brings me happiness Jay! I love her, I truly do and it’s not my fault you don’t understand that.” I shouted back much more aggressively than him but I was getting tired of this, of all of this. 

“She’s using you.”

“She’s not.” I corrected.

“She is! Everyone knows she likes that bimbo from class H.” 

“She doesn’t Jay! Why can’t you understand? I’ve never seen them interact before in my life and even if they had, what Victoria and I have is mutual.” I kept lying to myself, I knew damn well Jay saw them together all the time, they did have French together after all. Hell, I wasn’t even sure what bimbo out of all the ones I knew he was talking about. 

“Jake please, I don’t want you getting hurt.” Jay pleaded with me, he was desperate for his friend. He didn’t want me getting hurt but I just saw this as a selfish action. I thought he was just jealous of me, how could I be so blind?

“You haven’t seen what I’ve seen.” I croaked out, my voice shaky at this point and my throat raw from the screaming and back and forth arguing.

“AND YOU DON’T FUCKING SEE WHAT I SEE JAKE! LOOK IN THE MIRROR, LOOK AT YOUR TEACHER, LOOK AT YOU FUCKING PARENTS FOR FUCKS SAKE. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO GET SOME SENSE THROUGH YOUR THAT THICK SKULL OF YOURS BUT YOU JUST WON'T LISTEN!” He fell silent. “Please, please Jake. Get out of there.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, It’s not my problem no one wants to be with you. It’s not my problem you’re jealous of me. It’s not my problem that no one fucking likes you. Fuck you Jay.” I could barely get these words out. I knew what I was saying was the worst thing he ever heard from me. I hurt my best friend and not slightly, I carved into his beating heart and brain that no one loves him. It was as If his eyes held his heart at that very moment, I swear I saw his heart break through his eyes and I saw the tears build up on them before my own vision became too blurry to even distinguish the doorframe. 

Even after this, I continued seein Victoria and I could proudly say we were in an official exclusive couple. I was happy. The girl that I devoted my entire being to accepted my love confession and agreed to be with me but that feeling very deep in my heart didn't let me be happy. I knew it was wrong and that I hurt people in the way but I had spent so much time on her that I couldn’t bring myself to turn back, not then. 

As I’m sure it won’t surprise you, I found out she was only with me because she felt terribly sorry about me, how did she fucking dare? I gave her everything. She somehow found out about my fight with Jay and she felt pity toward me. While she was with me, she continued to date around. The only thing is she was extra careful that I wouldn’t find out and it worked, she successfully cheated on me with multiple people for two years. She didn’t see our relationship as a romantic one, she saw it as some type of charity work as if she was helping me out in some way. I gave her my all. She was my first everything, if I ever tried something for the first time, it would be because of her, hell she even got me to try Mary Jane once. I hate her for it, I really do. She took advantage of me in so many ways and she jsut acted all stupid and oblivious about it. She broke me but didn’t even bother to but my pieces close to each other, she left me broken all over the floor, stepping over me and on me whenever she could.

I wished she had just stayed as a hallway crush. I wish Riki had never asked me what was wrong. I wish I had never gone to Lucías house. I really fucking wish I had never said those things to Jay. I wish I had told my parents the truth and I really wish I had a genie to grant all these wishes.

Some years have passed but the heartbreak and regret remain. Amazingly, my grades were good enough for the college I wanted and the first day of classes I saw Jay. I explained everything you just read and apologized profusely, I still apologize to this day but we are closer than ever. Riki told me Lucía went back to her native country, Chile, he told me she missed it there but he also told me Victoria got into some big trouble for messing with something… I can’t say what it was though. I’m pretty sure Jiung and Jongseob are pursuing careers in music. 

I will never forget Victoria in the worst way possible. I hate her with all my heart and I will always always resent her for too many things. I know a lot of the responsibility is on me but still, spare me some slack, I was eighteen and I had never had any female contact in my life. I’m happy I can somewhat joke about it now. It still hurts but I have to move on and that’s what I’m working on right now. 

Well, that was the story, a bit boring if you ask me but it’s my life. I would have added a star wars and harry potter crossover but apparently that is “not credible” and “stupid” acording to some Park Jongseong.

I always thought I would fall in love with someone like me, a stereotypical “good person”, responsible, sporty, preppy, smart, clean, put together, basically Lucía. All the girls I had ever been interested in before were like her, granted, I was never in love before but the possiblity of me being attracted to the complete opposite of me seemed very unlikely. 

Of course the universe had to prove me wrong.

Sincerely,

Sim Jaeyun.